


nobody's watching

by WolfRampant



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clueless Gabriel, Controlling Behaviour, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Gabriel doesn't like to eat and that's alright, Gabriel is still a prick, Gaslighting, Hurt Gabriel (Good Omens), M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Rape/Non-con Elements, Sandalphon Being an Asshole (Good Omens), Stalking, Unwanted Sexual Advances, Verbal Abuse, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-02-19 01:56:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 89,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22036687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfRampant/pseuds/WolfRampant
Summary: This is a fill for a kink-meme prompt https://good-omens-kink.dreamwidth.org/3161.html?thread=1681497#cmt1681497After the Armageddon, Gabriel and Sandalphon get together. A lot of people think it's cute. Except Sandalphon turns out to be an abusive asshole, just taking and taking things from Gabriel. Other angels refuse to listen. Out of options, Gabriel seeks help from Aziraphale. He might spit hellfire at him, right?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley/Gabriel (Good Omens), Gabriel/Sandalphon (Good Omens)
Comments: 569
Kudos: 552
Collections: Good Omens Kink Meme





	1. prologue

Crowley didn’t want to come. But his Angel insisted on meeting his old boss one more time to sign the last of the termination paperwork that would free him from Heaven for good this time, and of course, Crowley had to accompany him. He didn’t trust Gabriel not to pull anything nasty.  
  
Heaven should have already left them alone. It had been several months since the Armageddon that failed to happen. They made the whole agreement about being left alone, didn’t they? Except for Heaven, bureaucratic as ever, made a stink that Aziraphale continued to perform miracles on their dime and hadn’t filled the proper reports about it. It created chaos in the paperwork, they claimed, and Aziraphale was still technically considered Heaven’s employee.  
  
So Aziraphale agreed to see Gabriel one last time and sign termination papers.  
  
Aziraphale chose his favourite sushi restaurant for the meeting and watched with a satisfied smile how Gabriel’s face contorted into a disgusted grimace once he entered and saw the happy diners and smelled raw fish. He looked uncomfortable in the setting and made a beeline for them.  
  
The archangel looked like he always did; every inch a huge asshole CEO who was about to bust the union and explain to the workers that their pitiful salaries can’t be raised because it’s too expensive for the company.  
  
Right behind Gabriel entered Sandalphon and Crowley resisted an urge to roll his eyes. He wasn’t all that surprised that Gabriel couldn’t step out of Heaven without his sycophantic sidekick. But he wasn’t happy about it. He hoped that if Gabriel had to bring someone he would bring Uriel and even Michael. Uriel was a cold bitch and Michael was a wanker, but there was something sinister about Sandalphon. The angel made Crowley’s skin crawl and trust him, he knew a lot about crawling.  
  
“Gabriel!” Aziraphale was aggressively polite, greeting his boss with a fake I-am-so-glad-to-see-you smile. “Please sit down. Can I order something for you?”  
  
“Gabriel doesn’t need anything from _you_ , traitor.”  
  
There was only one chair left and Gabriel sat on it with a guilty glance at his fellow angel. Sandalphon wasn’t invited nor wanted. If he wanted to sit he would have to either miracle a chair; thing not to be done when the restaurant was full of humans; or he would have to ask one of the puny little mortals to borrow a chair from their table. Crowley smirked when Sandalphon remained standing at Gabriel’s shoulder, so close he was almost touching him, his hand resting at the back of his chair, looking the exact image of a proper bodyguard.  
  
Gabriel looked a bit on edge. Probably afraid that Aziraphale would spit hellfire at him again. Crowley smiled at the memory of Gabriel’s horrified face. He replayed it quite often.  
  
Sandalphon sneered at him. “What is _that_ doing here?” Crowley has sprawled on his chair and made himself intentionally take as much space as he could, to annoy the angels.  
  
Aziraphale didn’t let the way Sandalphon spoke about his lover bother him. Truth to be told, he didn’t expect anything else from his fellow angels. They were always so closed-minded. “Crowley is here on my request.” That wasn’t exactly the truth. Crowley was here on his own insistence and Aziraphale’s inability to say no. Frankly, he was glad to have him at his side. Gabriel always managed to make him feel small.  
  
“That wasn’t part of the agreement. Only Aziraphale was supposed to come.”  
  
“Aziraphale and _Gabriel_. So what are you doing here, Sandy?” grinned Crowley, turning to Gabriel. “Seems you can’t keep your word. I’d have expected better from the Archangel Fucking Gabriel.” he winked and Gabriel actually coloured.  
  
Sandalphon put one hand on Gabriel’s shoulder and squeezed. Gabriel looked back at his sidekick. Whole silent communication passed between them.  
  
“Just sign the paperwork.” Gabriel turned to Aziraphale with a resigned and tired expression on his face. “So this is over and we can never see each again.”  
  
Gabriel handed him a thick folder he fished out form the leather case he brought with himself. Aziraphale set to reading it, word by word, sentence by sentence, page by page.  
  
There was a frustrated huff from Gabriel. “Come on. Just sign it already.”  
  
Aziraphale smiled for himself, head down. Now that he was free to do so, he enjoyed riling Gabriel up. “Excuse me, Gabriel, if I don’t entirely trust that you don’t try to put some hidden clause to trick me into giving up my miracles entirely.”  
  
“I wouldn’t.” protested Gabriel. Crowley believed him. Gabriel was cruel and thoughtless but he didn’t have a mental capacity to think up something as shifty and dishonest as that. Gabriel was straight-forward kind of an angel. But that didn’t mean someone else couldn’t sneak something in, someone like Michael. Or Sandalphon.  
  
Sandalphon snorted above him. “Don’t accuse us of trickery,” he said forcefully. “You forget _you_ are the traitor.”  
  
Gabriel rapidly nodded in agreement. “There is no need to play a harmed party, Aziraphale. You are getting what you want, so just sign the damn papers and we can be all on our way.”  
  
“Harmed party? You tried to kill him.” protested Crowley.  
  
“And he survived,” replied Sandalphon smugly. His hands were so close to Gabriel’s neck that Crowley suspected he was close to putting them on his shoulders and massaging them like a concerned wife trying to keep him calm and relaxed.  
  
“Please, stop interrupting, it will go much faster,” said Aziraphale, not lifting his eyes from the papers, turning the pages very slowly. He was enjoying this, the bastard angel, and that was why Crowley loved him. Well, one of the reasons anyway.  
  
Gabriel fidgeted and tapped his foot impatiently. Sandalphon glowered. Crowley made himself comfortable, loudly sipping his tea.  
  
“I am sorry,” said Aziraphale after a moment. “I can’t accept this.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“It says here I can’t use miracles over a certain amount of celestial power.”  
  
Gabriel narrowed his eyes. “We can’t allow you to perform large scale miracles.”  
  
“And why is that?” asked Aziraphale. “Our deal was that I will be able to perform any miracles as long as they won’t be used against Heaven and its mission on Earth.”  
  
“Aziraphale, be reasonable. We can’t just let you do whatever you want.”  
  
“Please,” Crowley chimed in. “You let him do whatever he wanted for six thousand years. When was the last time you checked in before Armageddon?”  
  
“It doesn’t concern you.” Gabriel glared him.  
  
“Just from interest, when Aziraphale sees a bus full of children hanging from the cliff he is just supposed to let it fall.”  
  
“Bus?” mouthed Gabriel quietly.  
  
“A human way of transportation,” explained Sandalphon, his sycophantic voice grating.  
  
“I suppose so.” Gabriel shrugged.  
  
“How unangelic of you.” sneered Crowley. “But then you wouldn’t recognize a good deed if it smacked you into a face.”  
  
“You are a demon,” said Gabriel with a sneer twisting his handsome face. “What do you know about good?”  
  
“More than you, apparently.” Aziraphale put his hand on Crowley’s knee under the table. His look was clearly begging him not to antagonize the two angels.  
  
Meanwhile, Sandalphon squeezed Gabriel’s shoulder again. “Now, stay calm. Don’t let the demon upset you.”  
  
“I am calm.” huffed Gabriel.  
  
Sandalphon bent to Gabriel’s ear. “A word?” and dragged Gabriel away without waiting for confirmation. Sandalphon was saying something urgently, while Gabriel was nodding although with a slightly confused look on his face. Figures that Sandalphon carried Gabriel’s brain around for him. Crowley strained his ears, but he heard only snippets of the conversation. He thought he overheard something about contact, younger angels, example and corruption.  
  
Eventually, Gabriel nodded and turned at them. “Aziraphale, I don’t really want to continue to deal with you.”  
  
“Likewise,” muttered Aziraphale.  
  
“So, don’t use any miracles for some indulgences and I think we’ll just,” his eyes flicked to Sandalphon, “ignore each other.”  
  
Sandalphon nodded in agreement.  
  
“Well, then I have no more problem with signing this,” said Aziraphale, removed the offending part of the contract and turned to the last page, drawing his sigil at the bottom fluidly. Crowley watched him fondly. Aziraphale handed the signed paperwork to Gabriel. “I hope that it’s sorted. Will it be all?”  
  
It seemed Gabriel was opening his mouth, but Sandalphon jumped in. “No. And good riddance. Let’s go.”  
  
Gabriel shrugged and he and Sandalphon strolled out of the door.  
  
“It’s almost surprising these two didn’t leave holding hands.” sneered Crowley.  
  
“Oh, Gabriel and Sandalphon had always been very close. Sandalphon practically worships the ground Gabriel walks on. It would be almost sweet if it wasn’t them.” Aziraphale shrugged.  
  
“Well, these two assholes deserve each other.”  
  
“Let’s not talk about them. I am finally free of them. Now let’s go home.”  
  
And that made Crowley forget entirely about the two angels.  
  
\-----------------------  
  
  
Crowley wouldn’t have loved anything more than to forget about the angels for the rest of eternity. They kept their promise and Aziraphale is left completely alone. And apart from regularly checking the protective sigils on the bookshop, they didn’t think about their old offices at all.  
  
Of course, Gabriel had to ruin it by literally crashing through their roof.  
  
Crowley first heard it than he saw it. He was in the kitchen, preparing tea and a snack for Aziraphale when there was a sound of breaking glass and few crashes as several bookshelves toppled over. He heard Aziraphale scream and curse. His heart leaped in his chest. Crowley grabbed the first vaguely weapon shaped item in the vicinity - a table lamp - and rushed to the shop.  
  
“Don’t you dare to hurt him!” he shouted, brandishing his lamp. Not that it would help him. Crowley knew that as the fighting went, he was rubbish at it. But he was ready to buy Aziraphale time to escape.  
  
“Crowley,” said Aziraphale. He was under his broken skylight, carefully lifting heavy tomes from the figure on the floor.  
  
The figure was Gabriel, but Gabriel unlike Crowley had ever seen him. His wings were out, spread almost from one end of the bookshop to the other. They were grey and Crowley almost thought with glee that the Archangel was well on his way to Falling. But no, his wings were just that dirty and frankly a mess. It seemed he didn’t preen them for some time and falling through the skylight didn’t help them any. Some of the primaries were badly bent.  
  
Gone were his immaculate suit. Gabriel wore no shoes and he was dressed in a loose white robe that was reminiscent of a hospital gown. Last time angels wore something like this, it must have been even before the flood.  
  
He was badly cut in the face from the broken glass and underneath that his face was pale and drawn and he had dark circles under his eyes. He seemed to have lost weight too. Which was strange. Angels didn’t really need to eat and as a result, they couldn’t lose weight or starve.  
  
“What do you think you are doing, Gabriel, crashing here?” Aziraphale berated Gabriel as he lifted a particularly heavy manuscript off Gabriel’s back.  
  
The archangel turned around slowly. Crowley noted there were dark bruises on his wrists and there was a smear of golden ichor on his stomach. He was shaking badly and seemed to be on the verge of crying. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He shrunk as if expecting to be hit. “I am sorry,” he repeated more quietly.  
  
“Well,” Aziraphale seemed confused. “No harm done. But what are you doing here?” he continued sternly. “I thought we agreed never to contact each other again.”  
  
“I am sorry.”  
  
Aziraphale shot a concerned look in Crowley’s direction. Gabriel’s behaviour was positively bizarre. “Yes, you already said you are sorry. But what do you want?”  
  
“Please Aziraphale, I am sorry I tried to have you killed. But you got to help me!” There are genuine tears in Gabriel’s eyes. And blood. A small piece of glass was lodged in one of his eyes. Crowley cringed.  
  
“Help with what?”  
  
“Please, he is after me!”  
  
Aziraphale looked baffled. “And who is he?”  
  
“Sandalphon.”  
  
Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged worried looks. Gabriel looked terrified. What could have Sandalphon done to get him into such a state?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway not much action in this. I wanted to show Gabriel and Sandalphon's relationshi from outside. At the first glance nothing seems that wrong. Next few parts will be snippets of what happened between scene one and scene two.


	2. love him

Sandalphon was always around these days. Not that Gabriel exactly minded. He was used to Sandalphon and he liked him. He was always the first one to volunteer to accompany him to any mission on Earth and he was always so helpful with advice. Really, promoting Sandalphon to the position of the Archangel that Raphael so thoughtlessly abandoned was one of Gabriel’s better decisions.

Still. After the Armageddon, Sandalphon literally stuck to his side. Accompanying Gabriel to his regular runs and sitting on the bench the whole time, never leaving him with his eyes, that was a bit excessive, wasn’t it? He also touched him more. There was a hand on his arm one time, a friendly pat on the back the next day or accidental brush of their bodies when Sandalphon leaned to look at some report over his shoulder just yesterday. It made Gabriel feel things. It made him, let’s just say, antsy. There had to be something behind Sandalphon’s change in behaviour, Gabriel just didn’t have any idea what it might be. He could admit to himself that other people’s innermost thoughts were always a mystery to him. Gabriel was always open with his emotions and it frustrated him when others weren’t.

A long time ago, Gabriel used to share whatever troubled him with Raphael. Of all his fellow archangels, Raphael was the most open and understanding. But Raphael had been gone more than two thousand years, disappearing the Almighty only knew where. After that, he shared his troubles with Michael. She wasn’t as easy-going as Raphael, but at least she was patient with him. But Michael was gone now too. Not forever, thank God, she was just away to decommission more exotic creatures and weapons the Heaven prepared for the Armageddon. Her updates were short and to the point. She was way too busy to write regular reports, so she must have been also busy with Gabriel’s petty concerns.

That left Uriel out of his close circle and Gabriel was always a bit in awe of Uriel. They were always so distant and composed and competent and Gabriel knew she didn’t suffer fools gladly. And he always felt a bit of a fool, having to ask for help to figure out things that were evident to others.

And of course, Uriel was visibly trying not to roll their eyes when he presented them with his problems.

“Of course he keeps close to you. For Heaven’s sake, Gabriel, how can you not notice it? He loves you.”

“Well, of course, he loves me!” Gabriel laughed weakly. “We are both angels. Love is what we do!”

Uriel shook their head, exasperated. “It’s no angelic kind of love. He loves you. You personally.” when they saw no comprehension in Gabriel’s eyes, they sighed. “In a romantic sense? Like Captain von Trapp and Maria love each other? He wants to be with you, and hold you in his arms and kiss you, and all that nonsense.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

“That’s why he is always around me?”

“Probably, yes.” Uriel leaned back in their chair. “Now, don’t take my word for law, I have never been interested in a relationship, but wanting to spend time with your loved one is one of the signs of love.”

“So I should let him do these things?”

“If you like him too. You do like him, right?” Uriel looked at him sternly, like he was a naughty fledgling, not a fellow archangel. “Because if you don’t, you have to let him down gently.”

Gabriel thought back. He certainly liked Sandalphon. He always made him feel good and confident. He steadily picked him as an angel to take on a deserted island whenever angels wanted to have a good laugh and fill the stupid human questionnaires. Was it love? Gabriel supposed it must be, why else he would like Sandalphon better than any other angel? He had to bit shamefully admit that if all angels suddenly disappeared, he would probably miss Sandalphon the most, even more than Michael and Uriel. And the idea that somebody would love him, him personally, not because he was a fellow angel, but because he was Gabriel, made him feel giddy.

“I guess so?”

“Well, why don’t you talk to _him_ about it? Frankly, it has been tiring watching you two dancing around each other all this time.”

Gabriel frowned. “Is that even allowed? After all, he is…” he tried to find a correct word to describe Sandalphon. He was going to say subordinate, but of course, Sandalphon wasn’t his subordinate for a very long time.

“Archangel. He is an Archangel.” Uriel filled for him. “And he has been for more than two thousand years. And he had a crush on you for just as long. Seriously there is a betting pool on when you two get together!”

“There is?”

This time Uriel did roll their eyes. “What I want to say, you two are the same rank, there is no conflict of interest. There are plenty of other couples in Heaven. So stop bothering me and go kiss him already.”

“Alright, I’ll do that.” Gabriel started to rise, already planning how he would invite Sandalphon to his office and...well, he didn’t get that far. He would think something up on his way.

“And Gabriel, don’t do anything thoughtless.”

“Huh?”

“You know, don’t say and do anything that would hurt him.”

“I would never hurt him!” the idea was preposterous. Gabriel was an Archangel. He was incapable of hurting anybody! Plus he loved Sandalphon. People didn’t hurt people they loved!

“Not intentionally. But sometimes you can be a bit...clueless. You say a cruel or callous thing without realizing it and it hurts other people. Do you remember when you said to Jophiel that the Library of Alexandria was just human trash, and she shouldn’t bother with saving it and she didn’t speak to you for a year?”

“But I was only telling the truth!”

“Truth to you. You know that Jophiel loves any knowledge, no matter how useless.”

Gabriel nodded. “So what you are saying, I should be nice to Sandalphon.”

“Just be careful, okay? Don’t roll all over him. I’ve heard a relationship is all about compromise and you can be quite forceful sometimes. This could be a good thing for you. You have been so out of sorts since the Armageddon. I know you have taken the failure personally.”

That was quite a news to Gabriel. He had thought he got over it pretty fine, sans the burning the traitor incident. But maybe other angels viewed him differently. Apparently he had been hurting people without meaning to, perhaps this was the same situation.

“Well, thank you for your advice.” Gabriel turned to leave.

“If you need some more, don’t come to me,” Uriel called after him. “Find someone who is experienced in these things and ask them!”

Gabriel was sure that he wouldn't do that. Just the idea of coming to some lesser ranked angel and talking him about his relationships made him cringe. He imagined the rumours that would float around Heaven, that the Archangel Fucking Gabriel is clueless about his love life. Nope, he could control his own life, he didn’t need some Power or Virtue, or Heaven forbid, Principality to do it for him, thank you very much.

  
  
  
  
  


Gabriel didn’t have an opportunity to speak to Sandalphon until later that day. He spent several hours pacing listlessly in his office, not managing to do any actual work, of which there was a copious amount after the Armageddon. The Miracle Register wanted to know what to do about Aziraphale’s missing miracle reports, but Gabriel had no capacity to spare to the traitor right now. He planned what he should tell Sandalphon. He didn’t want to ruin it, yet nothing seemed to sound just right. Being in love was novel to him. 

Finally, Sandalphon arrived, slightly out of breath.

“Gabriel, I was just given your note. You need to speak to me?”

“Yes.” Gabriel put his hand behind his back to hide that they were shaking but changed his mind. It probably made him look too imposing. Instead, he knitted them together on his stomach. “It has come to my attention…” Gabriel swallowed. That sounded imperious, didn’t it? Sandalphon was looking at him expectantly.

Better start again. “Won’t you sit down?”

Sandalphon looked around Gabriel’s office. Except for his desk chair, there was nowhere to sit. Gabriel wasn’t in the habit of letting his underlings sit why he was giving them orders or berating them. With a sign, he snapped his fingers a set of perfectly functional purple armchairs and a coffee table appeared to the side. They sat down.

Gabriel licked his lips and tried again. “Sandalphon, we’ve been friends for a while, right?”

“Of course.” 

“Um, I have feelings for you. That are more than friendly. And I have been told that you...might share them.”

Sandalphon’s smile was blinding. “Oh, Gabriel, I’ve waited for you to say this for so long. Of course, I love you too.” 

“Oh.” Gabriel’s heart missed a beat in his chest. Sandalphon was happy and Gabriel was happy that he caused it. He smiled. “Right...love.”

Sandalphon vanished the table that separated them and embraced him, squeezing him around his waist and pressing his body to his chest. Gabriel wasn’t prepared for that. His body froze up. His first instinct was to push him away but he stopped himself. He just wasn’t used to this, to such intimacy. He couldn’t afford to, it would make him look needy in front of the other angels. But he guessed that with Sandalphon it was alright. He put his arms around Sandalphon and returned the hug. It was arm and kind of nice.

“What took you so long?” Sandalphon murmured. 

“I am sorry. I guess I have been a blind fool.”

Sandalphon looked up to him with a golden smile. “Don’t worry. I love you even though you are a fool.” He leaned on his toes and pressed his mouth to his. Right, kissing was part of love. Gabriel opened his mouth obediently when Sandalphon’s tongue brushed against his lips insistently, trying to enter. He wasn’t sure about the kissing yet, Gabriel decided. Hugs seemed much better. Kissing seemed so wet and...he yelped when Sandalphon nibbled at his lower lip. Their teeth clashed painfully.

“Sorry, I am not good at this.”

“Don’t worry,” Sandalphon grinned widely. “I’ll teach you.”

  
  
  
  
  


Being in a relationship was...different. The first thing was, everyone knew almost at once and congratulations and good wishes came from all sides. They were usually in the shape of _I thought you would let him pine forever_ or _You make a very nice couple, don’t ruin it._ Well, at least Gabriel received this kind of encouragement. Was he really like Uriel had said? He thought back and maybe there was a grain of truth to it. He wasn’t always considerate of others’ feelings and didn’t care about their concerns. It just made him think of his greatest failure, Aziraphale’s treason. He didn’t always listen to what Aziraphale had to say about human matters. And left him alone on Earth, sometimes for centuries! Was it why the principality turned to the demon? Gabriel resolved that one day when the tempers cooled down, he would seek out the other angel and ask him. And maybe apologize. But that was a big maybe. Aziraphale would have to show regret first. Maybe then Gabriel would let him come back to Heaven. He would have to be demoted first of course. 

Still, he didn’t know why the other angels assumed he would do anything to jeopardize his relationship with Sandalphon. It made him happy! He even started to keep lunch breaks, spending it with Sandalphon. None of them ate, but that didn't matter. Just being together was fine. Sandalphon taught him about kissing. Gabriel thought he was getting a hang of it. He looked toward off-hours now. Previously he just took on more work. He realized, now that he had someone to spend time with, that he had been a bit lonely. It made him feel fluffy inside that he now had someone who thought about him on his free will, not just for work. He wanted to hit himself for not seeing Sandalphon’s affection for him sooner. He could have been this happy for a long time already.

Really, the only snag was the gifts Sandalphon kept bringing him.

Gabriel felt some guilt over accepting them. Angels weren’t supposed to crave material possessions! But Gabriel’s stylish suits were evidence that this particular angel did. So he impatiently tore into a package. Gift giving was a sign of love too and Gabriel was giddy that they were now in this stage of their relationship.

It was a tie. Very ugly tie. There were big shapes in purple and gold. Such an obvious garish pattern was not his style. Gabriel eyed Sandalphon’s boring outfit. He supposed fashion wasn’t his strongest suit.

“Do you like it, Gabe?” Sandalphon asked expectantly. “I thought purple and gold would go nicely with your eyes. And wings.”

At least that Sandalphon got right. While Gabriel’s wings were mostly white, his primaries were purple, tipped with gold.

Gabriel managed a weak smile. “It’s lovely.” He swore to lose the tie at the back of his wardrobe at the first opportunity.

“Great.” Sandalphon’s teeth flashed gold. “Show it to me then.” And he tugged at Gabriel’s actual proper tie.

“Really, I have already coordinated my outfit. This will clash.” he waved the new tie around in emphasis. 

“Gabriel, I spend a really long time finding a perfect gift for you. I want to see you wear it.” There was something forceful in his tone, as if he was saying _If you don’t wear it, I’ll be very disappointed._ Gabriel gave up. Telling Sandalphon that his gift was awful would be hurtful. And it was the gesture that counted after all and Sandalphon’s gift was an expression of love. He let him place the new tie around his neck.

“After all, I want everyone to see you in it, to know that you belong to me.”

Gabriel cringed at the thought of anyone seeing him in this monstrosity. He would have to redo the knot at the very least.

The gifts really didn’t get better. Gabriel was conservative, for Her sake. He preferred analog watches, not digital. Sandalphon was clearly getting upset when Gabriel clearly didn’t like it though, so Gabriel relented and wore it with a huge fake smile for anyone to see. 

He protested more at the sneakers. It didn’t matter they were leather. Wearing sneakers with a suit was...was for Millenials. But Gabriel didn’t even know how it happened, the shoes ended up on his feet.

Then Gabriel received a pair of designer sunglasses. At least they were stylish, but when did Gabriel ever wear sunglasses? The answer was never.

“When are you going to give me something?” Sandalphon pouted. “I am beginning to think you don’t love me and only keep me around because you like getting stuff from me.”

If Gabriel knew the human saying the deer in the headlights, it would be how he would describe his current expression.

“Oh.” he looked down on Sandalphon, who had his head in his lap, guiltily. He looked weird through the dark lenses. “I have been thoughtless again, wasn’t I?”

“Don’t worry, Gabriel, that’s what I am for, to remind you and lead you on a correct angelic path.” Sandalphon aimed for a playful tone, but there was something chiding in it.

Gabriel confided in him what Uriel said to him, about hurting others with callous words. Sandalphon had said that what they themselves said was hurtful, but not entirely wrong. He promised to tell Gabriel when he did something like that, so he could avoid doing it in the future and he already felt progress.

“I am sorry. Of course, I will get you a gift.”

Except Gabriel had no idea what Sandalphon would like. He asked Uriel.

“Didn’t I tell you not to come to me for romantic advice?”

“Uriel, please.”

“Alright. It’s easy. What does Sandalphon like doing?”

Gabriel thought hard. There weren’t many options. “Smiting?”

“There you have it. Glad you finally pulled your head out of your ass.”

“What does it mean?” Gabriel asked. 

“Nothing. Sandalphon was just a bit worried you didn’t mean it seriously with this relationship.”

“He told you something?”

“He might have mentioned it. He was a bit anxious you didn’t seem to be committed.”

Gabriel bit his lip. He was a bit upset. Why was Sandalphon telling Uriel, airing the dirty laundry? He promised to tell him if he did something to upset him! “Why didn’t he tell me!” a hint of anger sneaked into Gabriel’s voice.

“Now, don’t get angry. I guess he didn’t want to bother you. Just like I don’t want to be bothered with your relationship drama.”

Nonetheless, Gabriel commissioned a new warhammer for Sandalphon. The weaponsmith smiled at him and winked. “For the Archangel Sandalphon, right? Your secret is safe with me, he won’t hear anything about it from me.” 

Sandalphon loved the new weapon, swinging it experimentally around his office when he received it. 

“We should try it out. Spar with me.” Gabriel wanted to refuse. They still had a lot of work leftover from the Armageddon. “Come on, when was the last time you trained? You will get sloppy and some demon will take your head off in the future.”

Gabriel didn’t train since before the Armageddon when Michael insisted they all sharpen their skill. Gabriel loved to exercise, but he didn’t like fighting much. To be honest, despite his stature and strength, he wasn't very good at it. And why should he? He wasn’t created with a sword in his hand, he was made to be the messenger. Fighting was for the Cherubs and the Principalities. He only learned to handle a sword because Lucifer had to go and rebel.

On top of that, since the Armageddon, he had become rusty. He barely managed to raise his shield to stop Sandalphon’s first swing in time. It was powerful enough to leave a dent and force of it travelled up to Gabriel’s arm. It actually hurt and left his arm numb. He took a step back in shock and that saved him from Sandalphon’s next savage attack, aimed at his head.

“Come on, this is how you plan to kill demons?”

Angry at the jab, Gabriel lunged at Sandalphon with his sword. He swatted it away easily. 

“Pathetic. You are an Archangel, Gabs. And you fight worse than a bunch of fledglings.”

Michael told Gabriel, after she taught him basic defense, that his best chance if he ever came across more than one demon was to outfly them and then either strike them with a bolt of lightning or summon the storm and bless the rain. Really, Gabriel didn’t need cold or even hot weapons to be one of the biggest menaces on the battlefield. 

He unfurled his powerful wings and ascended to the air. Sandalphon was after him with a shout but Gabriel lengthened the distance between them. He flew over the tall towers of the Heavenly city, flew between the streets, skillfully avoiding any obstacles, other angels hastily clearing his way. Gabriel forgot, after months locked in his office doing paperwork, how much he missed it. His wings out for something other than preening, the wind ruffling his hair, the absolute freedom of flying. 

Gabriel looked back at Sandalphon. The other Archangel desperately tried to keep up, his face red from exertion, but of course he had no chance. Gabriel was easily the fastest and the most agile flyer in Heaven. Now it was he who got Sandalphon to do some workout. He smiled slyly and headed to the human section of the city.

Unlike the parts inhabited by the angels, the human city was built to resemble cities of Earth, so humans weren’t homesick or something. Sans the run down dirty parts of course. There were even more obstacles: pillars, powerlines, lamps, trees, and other things. Gabriel was swift enough to avoid them, Sandalphon had to slow down. Gabriel slowed down enough that it seemed like he had a chance to catch him. Then he took a sharp turn. If he remembered correctly there was a small park with tall trees around the corner.

Indeed the trees appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Gabriel managed to avoid them, Sandalphon didn’t. His wings tangled up in the branches and he tumbled down. It attracted the attention of humans. They were relatively used to angels flying around, but not to angels acting silly. Satisfied, Gabriel flew in a wide circle above the park. His smile dropped. Sandalphon wasn’t getting up. Was he hurt? Was his wing injured? Gabriel blessed and descended rapidly, landing next to Sandalphon.

“Are you alright?” Gabriel asked worriedly.

Without replying, Sandalphon tackled him. He landed on his back and the back of his head smacked painfully on the ground with a crack that for a moment stars danced in front of his eyes. Sandalphon grabbed his wrists, pressing them into grass.

“You think you are being funny?!”

“What?” There was a spike of fear inside his chest. Sandalphon looked furious.

“You like making me look a fool, is that it?”

A polite cough came from their right. They turned to a human man with a dog on a leash. “Gentlemen, perhaps you could take your...sexual tension elsewhere?”

They apologized hastily and departed in silence. Gabriel knew he messed up. Sandalphon was obviously still angry. 

“I am sorry.” he turned to him once they were alone. 

“Sorry? You are sorry? You embarrassed me! Worse, you did it in front of humans.”

“You tried to hit me in the head!” protested Gabriel. Sandalphon wasn’t holding back during the sparring.

“I wasn’t going to hurt you. It was training. What do you expect, that the demons will go easy on you? You just got angry someone is better at something than you once in your life. When you couldn’t win fair, you decided to trick me! Like some kind of demon.”

Gabriel bit his lip. The accusation of acting like a demon stung. Unfamiliar sensation gripped his corporation. He had a lump in his stomach. “I am sorry. I just...wanted to show you I am not pathetic.”

“Well, you did it by showing me you are childish.”

“I am not childish.”

“We were training, you decide to go playing.” 

“I am sorry, I just didn’t think.”

“That’s right, you never think. You know, don’t talk to me until you decided to use your brain.” 

Gabriel thought Sandalphon was being unfair, he didn’t have to say he was pathetic. But despite his decision not to fold, he gave in after a day; one long miserable day, which he spend replaying his actions over and over again. Truth was, he wanted to bring Sandalphon down a peck. He got Sandalphon another present, he had accepted with a smile and apologized too. He was angry, Sandalphon explained because Gabriel acted like he didn't respect him. Gabriel promised to do better. Their relationship got back to normal, as if nothing had happened. Still, Gabriel was extra nice to Sandalphon and things between them even improved.

Sandalphon insisted he accompanied Gabriel every time he went down to Earth for a run. Gabriel told him it wasn’t necessary.

“Demons could just pop out of the ground and stab you while you are distracted,” Sandalphon argued.

“That never happened.” protested Gabriel. “Don’t you think you are being paranoid.”

“You already proved you can’t handle yourself in a fight. You need me to watch your back. Please, Gabriel, I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you.” His eyes roamed his body. The tight running outfit he wore hid very little. “Plus, I like watching you run.” He winked.

So Gabriel ran around the park, never far from Sandalphon insistent gaze. He felt exposed.

Naturally, Sandalphon wanted to come when Gabriel went to see Aziraphale.

“But we agreed I’d come alone.” protested Gabriel. “I gave a promise.”

“Promise to the traitor means nothing,” said Sandalphon dismissively. “I bet he will bring that disgusting little serpent along. According to the latest report he has taken him for a lover.” Sandalphon’s voice was laced with disgust. “And I can’t just leave you with two of them alone.”

“Nothing will happen,” Gabriel assured him.

“Aziraphale can breathe hellfire! I still think about it. If I didn’t pull you back, he would have burnt you. You would be dead, and I would never...” Sandalphon’s voice was thick with unshed tears. “Just please, let me come too. You need help with negotiating anyway.”

Gabriel wanted to be upset with the implication that he needed help negotiating. He made many successful agreements without Sandalphon’s help in the past. But his partner was already upset enough. So he decided to let him come along. His concern was touching. And understandable. Gabriel wouldn’t want Sandalphon to be alone with the traitor either, he would probably die from worry.

Naturally, Sandalphon had many suggestions about how to conduct the meeting. Gabriel listened. His ideas were usually good.

“Just not let them back you into the corner. You are the Archangel, he is not even a principality anymore. No compromises. You have to be firm like you should have been from the start. He signs the papers, we are done with him.”

“Are we sure we want to...get rid of him forever?” Gabriel voiced his doubt. “He hadn’t fallen, don’t you wonder why?”

“I wonder why he hadn’t a long time ago. Since, according to the Earth Observation files, he fraternized with the demon for ages.”

“Perhaps She has a plan for him.”

Sandalphon snorted. “I think he had already sunk so low, he is practically fallen. He probably isn’t worth Her notice. There is no going back to him. That’s why we decided to burn him in hellfire, remember?”

“But don’t you wonder why he did it?”

“He did because he is a greedy gluttonous little...principality. We should have seen him for what he is a long time ago.”

The meeting didn’t go so well. For one Sandalphon was right. Aziraphale brought the demon with him. Two he acted like an obnoxious little child. Sandalphon was right, there was no chance of salvaging him. After Aziraphale demand to be able to perform big scale miracles, Sandalphon took him aside.

“Do we really want Aziraphale to be able to have any contact with Heaven? Someone would have to read their reports and you know how the younger angels are. He could easily corrupt them and in a couple of years, we would have the second rebellion on our hands.”

“I could read them,” suggested Gabriel.

“Do you really want to bother with that? And what example would it set, Archangel concerning himself with some traitor? He doesn’t want to use any big miracles anyway. He barely manages to perform a miracle to warm his tea. He is doing it to make you angry and it’s working.”

“But…”

“Don’t let him string you along.”

So Gabriel let Aziraphale remove the clause. At the end of the meeting, when Aziraphale asked them if that was all, Gabriel wanted to ask him. Why did he love the demon more than Heaven? He could be cleaner than other demons, but he was still a demon. He couldn’t possibly make Aziraphale happy like Sandalphon made Gabriel happy. Was he worthy of eternity outside Heaven?

But of course, Sandalphon made him leave before he could even open his mouth.

“That could have gone better,” Gabriel muttered as they left.

“Please, Gabby, don’t delude yourself. You let them play you like a fiddle. I had to keep you just from getting angry several times. You would explode and then Aziraphale and his little pet would go and say that we made him work against Heaven, that we bullied him or something.”

That just made Gabriel morose. “Don’t call me Gabby,” he muttered. He already asked Sandalphon not to call him any nicknames.

“Don’t be grouchy. I know you secretly like it. But if you want, I won’t call you Gabby in public. It can be your special name, just for us.”

“Fine.”

“Now why don’t you spend that pent up aggression at the sparring grounds? It will make you feel better, I promise. And afterward, we can go to the baths and relax and I will even massage your back.”

“That sounds nice.” It did.

He tried to imagine what Aziraphale did with the demon Crowley right now. The foul creature probably dragged him to some den of sin, to do unspeakable things. He cringed. Poor Aziraphale, but he had what he wanted.

Gabriel was really lucky to have Sandalphon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I didn't expect this chapter to get this long. You guys left so many nice comments, I feel a bit nervous posting this in case it won't measure up to your expectation. 
> 
> Gabriel is completely clueless how a relationship is supposed to work. I tried to set a balance in this. I hope it's not too much on the nose.
> 
> The tie Sandalphon gives Gabriel looks something like this: https://pin.it/2oobzmregvkn2u
> 
> Edit: Also there is idea floating around fandom that summoning storms and lightning is Gabriel's special ability.
> 
> And Happy New Year!


	3. pressure

The baths were one of the oldest places in Heaven, so old that Gabriel remembered coming here with Lucifer once upon a time. It weathered the subsequent war and served the angels as the place to relax, meet each other, maintain their corporations or even have their wings groomed professionally.

The baths were technically public, but they had enough secluded spots where angels were afforded relative privacy.

Gabriel sank to the warm water gratefully. After sparring sessions with Sandalphon he needed it. His partner never went easy to him, claiming that he had to be prepared to face anything Hell might throw at them and criticizing Michael for not teaching him enough. He claimed he would stop once Gabriel proved that he could hold his own against him and beat him. So far it wasn’t going well. Gabriel was immensely proud of the few hits he managed against Sandalphon - he was considered one of the Heaven’s best fighters, almost as good Michael, after all - but the reality was, he always ended up beaten on his ass, with other angels on the grounds trying to hide their smirks. It always left Gabriel with bruises and he was getting frustrated, and he then took out that frustration, much to his guilty conscience, on his co-workers. It seemed that no matter how he tried, he still kept making missteps. If he hadn’t fussed about him so much afterward, healing him and kissing the tender spots, Gabriel would have almost thought that Sandalphon enjoyed beating him.

Sandalphon lowered himself next to him, splashing water around himself. “Come on, turn around.” he grinned. “I promised to rub your back, didn’t I?”

Sandalphon made Gabriel turn around and settled behind him. He kneaded his shoulders with his powerful fingers and Gabriel felt his body relax, the knots in his back loosening. It was a nice thing about Sandalphon. He knew a lot about bodies and he knew how to make Gabriel feel nice. His eyes were becoming heavy; the physical training has always left his physical corporation feeling more tired than usual and the massage was making it slack. Sandalphon leaned towards him, pressing his body closer to his.

“I love you, Gabby, I love you more than Her.”

The cold washed over him. “Don’t talk like this,” he mumbled, furtively looking up.

“What, that I love you?” Sandalphon pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. “I think all of Heaven already knows. I love you. Don’t you love me?” Sandalphon pouted.

“Of course I love you. But don’t say you love me more than Her. It can’t be true.” The Almighty itself was Love and nothing else could be loved more than Her.

“It’s true. I love you absolutely, I love you so much my soul is on fire. If I had to choose between you and Her, I would choose you. Always. I would kill for you, I would even fall for you.”

Gabriel craned his neck to look back at Sandalphon worriedly. “That’s blasphemy.” Gabriel was uncomfortable being an object of so much devotion. If the Almighty decided to punish Sandalphon for his words, would Gabriel be punished by proxy?

“She doesn’t care. Why would She? She is all about Love, didn’t she commanded us to love each other?”

“Yes, but…”

“But nothing,” said Sandalphon, kissing the side of his neck again. “I love you more than God Almighty. If she minds it, She would have already done something. But She didn’t. She is in favour of our union. So you don’t have to be afraid. You can say it back.”

Gabriel didn’t want to say it back, mostly because he didn’t feel like that. He loved Sandalphon, he truly did, but not as much as the Almighty. In fact, he couldn’t imagine loving anyone or anything more than Her.

“Hmm?” Sandalphon put his arms around Gabriel, jostling him slightly.

“Of course I love you.”

Sandalphon sighs. “You are not ready, I understand. It’s hard to break old habits. I can wait. I know one day you will say it.”

Gabriel bit his lip. 

“I just need you to know how much I love you. Why don’t you let me show you?” Gabriel felt something hard poke him in the small of the back and he blushed when he realized what it probably was. Sandalphon kept his effort on even in Heaven, claiming it was easier than changing it all the time. Now Sandalphon rubbed it against his ass.

“What are you doing?” he asked weakly. It had to be some misunderstanding. 

“What do you think?” Sandalphon whispered into his ear, buckling his hips. “You should make an effort too. I can make you feel really good.”

Gabriel’s face turned red. He wiggled out of Sandalphon’s embrace turning around, studiously avoiding looking at his lap. “I am sorry if I gave you the impression I want to have sex.”

“Gabby, you know sex is how people show their affection. It’s the next step in the relationship.”

“It doesn’t have to be.” protested Gabriel. “There are relationships without sex!”

Sandalphon gave him a pitying look and took his hand gently, rubbing his palm. “It’s because they don’t truly love each other. I love you, Gabriel, I want you to make you feel good. Why are you refusing this to me?”

“But it’s sex. It’s dirty and sticky and...and it’s what humans do. We are angels, for Heaven’s sake. We have to remain pure.”

Sandalphon shook his head with a snort. “Gabby, don’t be so naive. Of course, Angels have sex. Some of them went on to try it the moment Adam and Eve got it on in Eden.”

“Well, lesser angels have a weaker will, it’s natural they give in to their...curiosity easily. We are Archangels. We have to set an example, not to succumb to these base carnal desires.”

“So you think I am not a proper Archangel, is that it? Oh, why do I wonder, of course, you still think I am some jumped up Principality, easily succumbing to, what was it, base carnal desires?” Sandalphon’s tone was accusatory.

“No, of course not, what are you….You did it?” Gabriel’s eyes flicked unwillingly to Sandalphon’s crotch, luckily his cock went limp again during the argument.

“Had sex? Of course. Through not for a long time. I was saving myself for you.”

Gabriel felt a pang of guilt that Sandalphon had apparently denied himself just for him and now he couldn’t give him what he wanted, but Gabriel resolved himself a long time ago not to debase himself in such a way. For centuries he observed humans hurt each other, commit unspeakable crimes, even starts the war, just for the brief moment of bliss sex brought them. He told Sandalphon so.

“Gabriel,” Sandalphon smiled. “You are probably the last virgin in Heaven. Everyone tried it at least once. I know for certain Michael had sex, even Uriel dipped their toes into it at least once.” Sandalphon took step towards him and extended his hands. “Why don’t you make an effort and try it. I bet you will love it.”

Sandalphon tried to embrace him again. Gabriel shoved him back so hard he fell into the water with a splash and sunk deep enough that only his bald top didn’t submerge.

“Archangel Gabriel!” came a scandalized voice from the entrance. Gabriel turned guiltily. He shouldn’t have lost control so easily, he knew that. But why couldn’t Sandalphon just listen?

Sandalphon emerged from the water. The angel at the entrance, one of the bathhouse attendants stood at the entrance, clutching towels. “Archangel Sandalphon, are you alright?”

“Of course, Amariel.” Sandalphon gave her a sunny smile. “Nothing’s going on. We were just...teasing each other and Gabriel got a little bit carried away. Is that right?”

“Yes,” said Gabriel through gritted teeth, clenching his hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

“A little bit of privacy, please, Amariel,” Sandalphon tried to shush the angel, but Gabriel had already turned away, the tension palpable in his body. He felt an overwhelming need to get away. 

“Gabriel, please.” Sandalphon scrambled after him, but Gabriel had already climbed out of the little pool, brushed past gaping Amariel, snagging one of the fluffy towels from their arms and stormed out.

He wouldn't speak to Sandalphon until he apologized, he decided. Why did he have to continue persuade him to have sex, if he already told him he didn’t want it? Maybe Sandalphon made a mistake at the beginning, but why didn’t he listen later? Gabriel never had any desire for sex. Honestly, since he attended the presentation of procreation when they were creating the living creatures, it kind of repulsed him. All that fluids, mixing...ugh. It wasn’t for Gabriel. 

He guessed it was alright if someone wanted it and maybe he shouldn't have spoken so harshly that it was impure. It was fine if Sandalphon desired sex, it didn’t make him any less an Archangel. If Sandalphon really had the need, Gabriel had no objection to him finding relief with someone else. He resolved to tell Sandalphon once the other angel came to apologize.

  
  
  
  


He ignored the looks, some of them dirty, other angels threw at him at the office. What could they know? Just a snippet of something Amariel saw? Gabriel wasn’t surprised that news about his argument with Sandalphon spread so quickly. Half of the reason angels went to baths was to hear the latest rumours. Angels were gossipy creatures. He resolved to pay them no mind, it would go away in a couple days like always.

On the second day, Uriel came to see him.

“What are these rumours I hear?”

“What did you hear?” Gabriel asked morosely. A couple of days or not, Gabriel was getting tired of the constant whispers that followed him and the way his staff walked on their tiptoes around him. He already shouted at Haniel today for misfiling some report and instead of fixing it efficiently, as he was usually capable, he kept dropping the papers all over and cracked the screen of his tabled. His workers avoided him after that and refused to look at him if they really had to speak to him. Did they think he was some kind of monster? Was he?

“I heard,” started Uriel carefully, “that you attacked Sandalphon in the baths?”

“I didn’t!” protested Gabriel. What he did could barely be classified as an attack.

“Because all of Heaven talks about it. There were witnesses. So you really didn’t?” 

“I might have pushed him, a little,” admitted Gabriel.

“Pushed him,” repeated Uriel flatly. “Gabriel I know that you took the Armageddon hard. We all did. But since then you have been acting, well, not like yourself. You have been ill-tempered, picking on others for the slightest error. Please don’t take out your good mood on Sandalphon. He is trying to help you. You have been so happy and calm these past few weeks. Don’t do anything you might regret.”

Gabriel sputtered. “I wasn’t…He said...He wanted to touch me!”

Uriel raised their hand to quell his protest. “You keep touching each other all the time. What was different this time?”

“Well, he wanted...he suggested…sex.” Gabriel went bright red in the face.

“Well, that is the next logical step in a relationship.” mused Uriel.

“But I don’t want it.”

“So tell him.” Uriel rolled their eyes. “Tell him you are not ready for that. You have to communicate clearly. Sandalphon loves, you, he would let dogs tear him apart for you. He’ll do anything you wish.”

“Well, it didn’t seem that way,” muttered Gabriel. "And he wasn't even hurt."

“I am sure that Sandalphon just misunderstood something. But you can’t just attack people because they did something to make you angry. You know that sometimes you forget your strength. You might have seriously hurt him. The incident really upset him.”

“You spoke with him?”

“Yes, not that I needed to. You just have to see him, he walks around like an empty corporation. Just...fix it, okay?

Gabriel crumpled on his desk. Maybe he did lose his temper, maybe his reaction was exaggerated. Was he clear that he didn’t want it? He couldn’t remember what exactly he said back in the bath. It might be possible that he someone indicated to Sandalphon he might be willing. Certainly to that point he let him touch him and touched him in return however he wanted. 

He tried to imagine the whole situation from the Sandalphon’s point of you. He had offered to make Gabriel feel good and Gabriel had insulted him, calling him dirty for liking sex. Sandalphon equated sex with love and Gabriel had rejected him. He probably made it seem that he didn’t love him. He should have explained to Sandalphon that he didn’t see it that way, that he loved him without sex. Gabriel sighed. Relationships were complicated. He really needed someone to show him how to be in one.

“I guess I’ll go and apologize.”

Uriel patted him on the head. “Just...don't fight anymore. Things around here are tense enough, the Host doesn’t need to see you fighting. It’s bad for the moral.”

“Okay.”

“I hope I won’t have to give you two more relationship advice.”

“Twice! I came to you twice!”

“Tell that to Sandalphon, then.”

Gabriel went to apologize, he just didn’t anticipate that his subordinates would gather around him like a protective wall.

“I am sorry, Archangel Sandalphon is busy right now.” said his assistant overly sweetly when he asked to see him. “I can make you an appointment next week.”

Gabriel knew he would have to try harder. He would probably have to bring another gift to apologize. He considered another commission, but he knew that this time it would have to be something better. Something Sandalphon knew mattered to him, something from the heart. He headed to the armoury.

“You know, Sandalphon is a dear friend of mine.” said the quartermaster as Gabriel went through his personal arms he kept there. He avoided his battered training equipment and went for his armour reserved for battle. It was a bit ostentatious, golden, covered in gems and engraved with symbols. He rummaged through set of spears and swords. Most of the weapons were gifts or issued, Gabriel hardly ever had anything made on order.

The friendship between Sandalphon and the quartermaster was no surprise to him. The armoury was practically Sandalphon’s second home; just like Gabriel’s wardrobe was full of stylish suits, Sandalphon’s personal armoury was filled with every weapon imaginable. But what Gabriel was getting him was extra special.

“He talks about you all the time. Every time he comes, it’s only Gabriel this, Gabriel that.”

Gabriel examined the dagger in his hand. It fit perfectly into his palm. That was to be expected. It was created for Gabriel. It was created _from_ Gabriel.

“Sandalphon is very brave. And very dedicated to you. I really would hate to see him hurt.” continued the quartermaster.

“I won’t hurt him,” said Gabriel earnestly. Perhaps he really pushed Sandalphon too hard. After all, everybody seemed to think so.

“I am glad to hear that. Now, is that all?”

“Yes,” said Gabriel, pocketing the dagger.

“Because I have a row of completely new swords here. They were made for the Armageddon. But of course, they've never got to see any action.” Was Gabriel hearing thing or was there an implied threat in quartermaster’s cheery voice. He decided it was probably the former. Angels didn’t threaten each other. It was probably Gabriel’s guilty conscience speaking.

Gabriel waited till dark. Night came to Heaven with humans. Just like seasons, or weather. They were used to them and made them feel comfortable. Angels gradually adjusted to the new rhythm. They didn’t like to work in the night, for darkness was the realm of the demons. So during the artificial night angels usually departed to socialize, relax and rest. Sandalphon left his office later than others. He was so dedicated to his work. So passing the empty space of the main office he knocked on Sandalphon’s door.

“Come in.” came the tired voice from behind the door. Gabriel entered nervously. Sandalphon looked up. “Oh, it’s you.” he didn’t sound all that thrilled to see Gabriel. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to apologize. For pushing you into water.”

“Hmm.”

“I am sorry. I overreacted.”

Sandalphon came over his desk. “Gabriel, you are lucky that I love you.” that was a relief to hear. “But you scared me back there.”

“I am sorry. I didn’t want to make you afraid.”

Sandalphon waved his hand. “I am not scared of you, I can take care of myself. I am more scared for you. I know all that stuff around Armageddon was hard on you. You haven't really been stable since then, that you easily lose your temper. I am just worried about you, that you will do something to hurt someone or...yourself. You take everything so personally, it’s not healthy.”

“Huh, I don’t...this was just a misunderstanding. I should have been clearer that I am not interested in sex.”

Sandalphon signed. “I probably pushed too fast. I should have known you are not ready. It just left me feeling that you don’t love me, that you don’t want to share this part of yourself with me.”

Gabriel frowned. “Of course I love you. Here, I brought you a gift.”

He presented the dagger to Sandalphon. As craftsmanship went, it was beautiful. The long sharp blade. The handle was golden. The crossguard was in the shape of the wings inset with amethysts and the pommel was in the shape of a lily blossom. That wasn’t what was special about. One, it was a true celestial weapon, not merely blessed. It cut through anything. You could feel it’s power just holding it. It was in fact made from the same essence as Gabriel, and in a way, it was practically Gabriel. And it was a gift from the Almighty for his service in the first war. It was honestly the only weapon Gabriel owned he used to carry around when going around armed with daggers was still acceptable. As the declaration of love went, this was grand.

Sandalphon’s shone with tears when Gabriel presented him with the dagger. “Oh, Gabriel, are you really giving it to me. I know how much this matters to you.”

“You matter to me more than this old thing. I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you just because I don’t want to have sex with you. I want to give this to you to prove that.”

Sandalphon set the dagger on his desk carefully; it could badly hurt angels as well as a demon. He approached Gabriel slowly and showing what he was going to do and carefully hugged him. Gabriel tensed for a millisecond then he returned the hug.

“I forgive you. Please, don’t blame yourself anymore. It wasn’t that bad. We will just have to work on your self-control more.” Sandalphon sighed. “I wanted to come to see you. I worried you probably stew in your guilt too much. But others said not to.”

Gabriel closed his eyes. Everything was back to normal in the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uriel, please just stop giving Gabriel advice.


	4. in private

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Let's write easy 2000 words chapter.
> 
> Me, 4000 words later: Oops.
> 
> This fic is taking over my life.

Several weeks after their argument, Gabriel and Sandalphon decided to share quarters.

Gabriel wasn’t so sure about the idea at first. “Don’t you think it’s too soon? We’ve been together for only about four months.”

“Almost five.” Sandalphon corrected him. That was the first time he suggested it. “And I have already waited for you to notice me for two thousand years. That’s a long time. I am more than ready to share everything with you.”

Gabriel bit his lip. In the life span of being more than six thousand years old, five months were a mere blip on the radar. But Gabriel had no idea after how long it was normal to move in together. But if you counted the two thousand years, it was probably a really long time. 

Still, Gabriel hesitated. He liked his privacy. Heaven was an open place; no door ever locked, even to the essential areas, so complete was the faith in the angels’ ability to do the right thing at all times. The only place an angel could, therefore, hope to be alone only with themselves and the God Almighty was their personal adobe. It was implicitly understood that entering the angel’s room without express permission was rude. In Gabriel’s case, only a handful of angels were invited inside on his explicit invitation. 

Admittedly, Gabriel didn’t use his modest room all that much. It was a place where he stored his suits and few trinkets he collected over the years. Once a week he took a nap on a hard bed, sleep being the easiest way to clear his mind from the stress of his position of responsibility. But lately, he found himself actually spending more time there.

“I don’t understand why you don’t want it,” complained Sandalphon the next night. They found a less frequented corner of Heaven and watched the stars, Sandalphon nestled against Gabriel’s chest. “I thought things between us are great.”

They were. The last few weeks were honestly best so far in their relationship. They didn’t fight at all, they paid each other special attention and went on little dates like this, just basking in each other’s presence. Sandalphon didn’t bring up the possibility of sex again and Gabriel was relieved that he understood. Yet still, something pulled Gabriel from committing to such a big decision.

He desperately wanted to ask for advice, but Uriel had already made it clear that they were not interested in his relationship problems. Several times. Loudly. He decided to write to Michael. She might be busy, but she might take pity on him. He added his letter to the official missive from Heaven and hoped for a swift response. But no reply came after a week, so Gabriel assumed that just like Uriel, Michael wasn’t interested in helping him with his love life.

“I love to spend time with you.” proclaimed Sandalphon, after they left a performance lesser angels prepared of the music currently popular on Earth. Gabriel denied adamantly that he liked it in any way, but Sandalphon just gave him a conspiratorial wink. “Don’t you like spending time with me?”

“Of course I do,” Gabriel assured him.

“If we lived together, we could spend more time together. We wouldn’t have to spend precious time trying to find each other all over Heaven just to enjoy each other's company.”

“We can call each other,” said Gabriel dryly.

“Gabriel, please, there are rumours floating around. Again. That we are fighting. We can’t have angels doubt our leadership. This would be a clear statement that everything is as it should be.”

Sandalphon had a point. Even months after the Armageddon, Heaven was in a fragile state. Just a short while ago there was a protest organized by the Powers, demanding to know the new plan. Gabriel was worried that should nothing happen, angels would once again start Falling left and right and that honestly scared him.

“Alright.”

“Alright?”

“I will move in with you.”

Sandalphon’s face radiated so much happiness, that any doubt Gabriel had about the decision evaporated.

Of course, the whole endeavour wasn’t without its hurdles. First, they had to decide where to live. None of them wanted to leave their quarters and move to their partner’s. So they compromised and moved to new ones, slightly bigger. Still, without miracles to adjust spatial dimensions - which would be frivolous and Gabriel hated frivolity - their combined possessions wouldn’t quite fit. Between Gabriel’s suits and Sandalphon’s weapons he didn’t keep with others in the armoury and sealed boxes he claimed contained research for work, something would have to go. That something turned out to be a huge part of Gabriel’s wardrobe.

“You have so many clothes anyway. Some of it is hundreds of years old. Seriously, I wonder why you didn’t do some spring cleaning already.”

Sandalphon graciously offered to go through his suits with him and help him sort what he would keep and what would go. Gabriel had great trouble deciding. Each article of clothing just left him sentimental.

“It might come into fashion again,” said Gabriel, eyeing the dark blue suit that was in fashion in the seventies. The eighteen seventies that’s it. It came with a top hat.

“Gabby, if you ruminate over each article of clothing, we will be here until the next Armageddon. Just throw it all away, make a clean cut and get a fresh start. You can always get some new clothes.” and to emphasize his point, Sandalphon vanished some of the medieval cloaks. Gabriel closed his eyes and breathed deeply. The one laced with silver thread was a fine craftsmanship. “Come, I will get you new clothes. So many new clothes that you won’t know what to wear first.” Gabriel supposed Sandalphon was right. The chances that togas would be one day popular again were truly remote. In the end Gabriel was left with several current suits, his running clothes and old purple shirt Sandalphon claimed brought out his eyes. He was a bit upset though when he discovered they accidentally threw out the outfit he wore during the Annunciation. That one had big sentimental value.

A few nights after the move, when Gabriel was still finding his feet in his new circumstances, Sandalphon invited a couple of friends for what he claimed was a house warming party, an honored human tradition when the couple finally moved in together. Except most of the invited angels were Sandalphon’s friends and angels working under him and Gabriel felt like an excess wing. He had to endure a fair amount of good-natured ribbing for finally making Sandalphon the happiest angel in Heaven and he had to resist an urge to throw the quartermaster out by his wing. Gabriel felt as if someone invaded his sanctuary, no worse, he felt is if demons stormed the Throne of Heaven. 

After the whole ordeal, Gabriel took Sandalphon aside.

“You should have told me you were bringing others around. Some warning would have been appreciated.” As it was, Sandalphon showed up at the door with other angels in tow and expected Gabriel just roll with it.

“I live here too, Gabriel,” said Sandalphon, offended. “I have the right to bring our friends around. You want me to live here with you like some kind of hermit?”

“They were all your friends.” cried Gabriel.

“Well, I would have invited your friends too....but that’s right, you don’t have any.”

“That’s not true.” 

“Isn’t it? So name them? So I can invite them next time.” 

Gabriel opened his mouth and paused...He wanted to say Uriel and Michael, but...

But Uriel has always been a loner, always so distant from others. They hardly ever initiated a conversation that wasn’t about work and they seemed to suffer Gabriel’s presence rather than enjoy it. And Michael, only the Almighty could see inside Michael’s head. Sometimes Gabriel had an impression she would be capable of stabbing them in the back without regret. He shut his mouth.

Sandalphon's face clearly said _There you have it._ He put his hands around Gabriel’s waist, pulling him closer. “You are really lucky that I love you. No-one else would be able to put up with you as I do.” Gabriel felt like someone twisted a knife in his gut. But Sandalphon must be right because as far as he searched his mind, he couldn’t come up with a name of someone who would miss him if he suddenly disappeared. Except for Sandalphon, of course, who now kissed the side of his jaw. 

“Yeah,” Gabriel answered dully. “I am really lucky to have you.”

The next day Gabriel took care to leave the office early when he knew Sandalphon was still working. He wanted some privacy to preen his wings.

Sandalphon appeared just as Gabriel was finishing and cleaning the preening oil off his hands.

“You are preening again?” he scoffed. “Don’t you think it’s a bit excessive? You do it every other day.”

“I just like my wings well-maintained,” said Gabriel. His wings were his pride and joy and he was a firm believer that the better the wings were groomed the better was the performance in flight.

“It’s vain and sinful,” said Sandalphon. “Like you are some kind of demon. I heard that they groom their wings all the time too.”

“I am nothing like demons.” protested Gabriel.

“And you always make a mess. I am tired of finding your feathers everywhere.” 

“I always clean up after myself.” 

“Then what’s this?” Sandalphon picked on the purple feather from under the bed. Gabriel coloured guiltily. 

“So I missed one. Sorry.” 

Sandalphon sat next to him on a bed and kissed him on the cheek. “Apology accepted. Just be more careful next time. You don’t live alone anymore. You can’t leave your scraps lying around.”

“I will,” Gabriel assured him. He might be cohabiting for only a few days, but he was already learning that he needed to have a bigger consideration for his partner’s comfort and space.

“Why you don’t let me do it anyway? It would be easier for you. You wouldn’t have to bend so awkwardly to reach your scapulars.”

Gabriel couldn’t find the argument to refuse Sandalphon’s offer. Maybe it was vanity, but he just liked grooming his wings himself, even if it was indeed hard to reach his scapulars. He only went to professionals if he had some important appearance coming up.

But for angels wing grooming was the intimate thing and letting someone else do it, to let them touch the most sensitive and fragile part of your body and let them sit at your back, was a sign of trust and by extension, love. Sandalphon would probably take the refusal the wrong way. And maybe he would be right to. It’s not like he had any right to doubt Sandalphon’s capabilities. His wings were always fine. Gabriel himself didn’t understand the strange misgiving he had about it. He should be overjoyed that his loved one offered to groom his wings.

“Next time I'll let you do it.” he murmured.

So three days later Gabriel found himself sitting on the bed, Sandalphon behind him, running his hands through his feathers, cleaning them and straightening them.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?”

Gabriel made an agreeable sound in the back of his throat. It was not unpleasant. Sandalphon was efficient, plucking the loose feathers quickly and carefully, maybe he was even a little bit too careful trying not to hurt him. But his attentions left behind the strange tingling feeling in his wings that spread to his back. He squirmed.

“It will be done soon,” Sandalphon assured him, misunderstanding his reaction. He ran his hands through his primaries slowly, one by one, making sure they were all lined up and without any blemish. “Here, done.”

Gabriel leaned around, giving Sandalphon a kiss. “Thank you. Would you like me to groom you too?”

“Would you, really?”Sandalphon smiled. “I’d be happy to.”

So they exchanged their positions. Sandalphon stripped of his shirt and unfurled his wings. They were shorter, less powerful than Gabriel’s but no less impressive for that. They were mostly in the shades of brown, but his primary and secondary coverts were tipped white, creating an effect of a thin white stripe across his wings.

Gabriel smeared his hands in preening oil and set to work, starting from the top, sinking his hands into soft plumage, removing dust and dirt, positioning them in proper direction. After a while, Sandalphon sighed contentedly. 

“Is it alright?” Gabriel asked worriedly.

“It’s perfect.”

Gabriel couldn’t but notice that the longer he spent grooming him, the more Sandalphon squirmed and even moaned, his fist tangling in the sheets.

“Is that really that nice?” he asked. He knew that wing grooming felt nice, especially if done correctly, but he himself never experienced such a strong reaction. Were Sandalphon’s wings that sensitive?

“Oh, Gabriel, pity you don’t make an effort. It feels so nice it travels right down.”

Gabriel turned bright red at the implication. “You…”

Sandalphon craned his neck to look back on Gabriel with a pleased smile.“Come on, why did you offer to groom my wings, if you didn’t want to do just that? See, I knew that you would come around.”

“I just wanted to return the favour.” said Gabriel weakly, feeling trapped. Did he send a wrong message to Sandalphon, again?

“Gabby, you must know that preening, especially the way you were doing it, really causes...well, it makes you hard.” Sandalphon waved in the direction of his unseen lap.

Gabriel didn’t know that. He made an effort only when he went to Earth; it was a policy. And he never groomed his wings on Earth. He never had a chance to discover this little tidbit of information.

“I didn’t mean to…” he started.

“What did you mean then? You got me all turned on, you can’t stop now.”

“I am sorry.” cried Gabriel. “I already said that I don’t want sex.”

“Please, this is hardly sex. This is just some fondling, just like kissing...or grooming. And you have no problem with that, do you?”

“No, but…”

“Gabriel, you need there to be penetration for there to be sex. You don’t even have an effort. Really, what will it do to you to just to touch?”

Gabriel desperately wanted to bolt, but some unseen force had him frozen on the spot, Sandalphon seated between his legs, taking his right hand to his own gently.

“It would make me really happy, you know?” murmured Sandalphon, opening his pants with one hand. “And what will you lose? It’s no different than when you touch me on the arms and legs.” Sandalphon pulled on his hand, sneaking it around his body. As if a trance, Gabriel’s fingers enclosed around Sandalphon’s swollen member.

Gabriel never held an erect penis in his hand. He hardly ever touched his effort when on Earth and he had certainly never gotten aroused. Now he found that it was strange, especially when he knew what it was. It was hard but kind of soft on the surface, but not too unpleasant to touch.

“You love me right?” asked Sandalphon, leaning against his chest with his wings still opened. “You want to make me happy?”

“Uhmm.” Two emotions warred inside him. An utter mortification and a desire to please Sandalphon, to prove that he did love him.

“Then touch me.”

Sandalphon guided his hand, moving it up and down along his length. Sandalphon, Gabriel discovered, was not that long, but he had pretty impressive girth. His finger and thumb barely touched each other.

“See, I knew you loved me.”

Sandalphon released his hand and Gabriel continued to pump him on his own. He discovered that it was not so bad, especially as he couldn’t really see what he was doing. Sandalphon was right, it was no more different than touching him on the arm, or a chest or putting his arms around his waist.

Sandalphon groaned, arching into his hand and soon his cock was twitching in Gabriel’s hand and ejaculating all over it. Gabriel withdrew it, looking at the thick white liquid in bafflement. He couldn’t really believe that he just did that.

Sandalphon turned around, his softening penis flapping between his legs. “That wasn’t that difficult, was it?” he kissed Gabriel fully on the mouth. “You made me so happy. I loved you so much.”

Sandalphon’s words made it seem worth it.

Gabriel held his come covered hand in the air, away from his body. “Let me.” Sandalphon miracled the mess away and pushed Gabriel to lie on his back, snuggling closer to him and kissing his cheek.

“You don’t really feel any different, do you?”

Mostly Gabriel felt like in a dream. “I guess so.”

“I wish you made an effort. I could show you how good is this, you would see how happy you made me.”

Gabriel’s swallowed. He imagined Sandalphon’s beefy fingers on his effort or at least tried to. For a moment he was tempted but then a cold dread settled on him. Touching someone else was one thing, it seemed to be alright, but him...he was afraid that he would like it. And that it would turn him into a mindless creature of lust.

He rose. Sandalphon whined in protest; he had already laid his head on Gabriel’s shoulder comfortably. “I am going to wash my hands.”

And if he spent a long time in the washroom, well, that was just good hygiene.

  
  
  
  
  


Time dragged on. Sandalphon had seemed to adjust to their new living situation all at once. Gabriel, on the other hand, had some problems getting used to it. Now that they shared quarters, Sandalphon insisted they go back “home” every night. And since the first time Gabriel touched him, he started to press again for sex. Gabriel already gave in twice, wanking him, but Sandalphon wanted more. He wanted Gabriel to make an effort too. His argument was always the same. They already did it and nothing bad happened. He wanted to make Gabriel happy, to show him how much he loved him. They will share something special, just the two of them. 

Gabriel found himself easily distracted these days. He was slipping on paperwork and had to stay in his office longer to complete everything, but he couldn’t find himself to care anyway. Each day Sandalphon, already done for a day, came to sit in his office. He either just kept him company, but sometimes he offered to help him if it was too hard for him. Gabriel did his work for millennia and he didn’t need any help.

“But that’s it,” said Sandalphon, once. “Maybe the Armageddon failed because you did it wrong. You should at least let me check it after you.”

Gabriel refused. Sandalphon left in a huff and radiated unhappiness until Gabriel went and apologized for rebuking his well-meant attempt to help him and make his life easier.

Gabriel’s corporation itched to be alone at least for a moment, and although there were some less populated places in the city angels occupied, courtesy of half of them falling, Gabriel couldn’t get rid of the feeling that someone was always watching. He knew he was being paranoid if there was someone in the vicinity it was usually some lone janitor or an office worker on his way somewhere, and he never mentioned it to anyone. He knew others would think he was losing his mind, like these poor angels who had to be wiped clean after the War. He didn’t want to end up like them.

Eventually, he decided to leave for a run on Earth. Sandalphon was tied in a meeting, so no-one appeared to stop him or insist that they accompanied him. Gabriel neglected his workout lately, he was so busy with his relationship. Sandalphon always wanted to come with him and Gabriel started to feel guilty for dragging him down to Earth and making him sit on the bench, doing nothing. 

Instead of a park in the city, he went to the trail in the country. The more difficult terrain required he paid more attention to where he was stepping and so no unwelcome thought invaded his mind. He was out of shape, that was apparent when he started running. He was out of breath sooner, he couldn’t run as fast, his legs cramped when he pushed beyond his limits. Yet he pressed on.

Only when the sun was setting beyond the horizon did Gabriel stop, covered in sweat, his muscles burning with exertion. He returned to Heaven, pleased with his day.

“Where have you been?” Sandalphon’s voice sounded cold when he let himself into their shared quarters. He was sitting on a chair, tapping his foot, arms crossed on his chest.

Gabriel spread his hands to show his running outfit. “I went for a run.”

Sandalphon raised to his feet. Agitation and tension emanated from his body in waves. “Is that so? Alone? Why didn’t you tell anybody?”

“I have been going alone for years. I don’t need anybody to hold my hand.” The good feelings Gabriel had from the enjoyable run suddenly vanished like a smoke in the wind.

“You need it when I am sitting here out of my mind with worry. I almost had the Host mobilized to look for you.”

“Just because I went for a run? Don’t you think you are acting a bit like a fool?”

It happened so fast that Gabriel realized it only when the pain erupted in his face and he was forced to take a step back. He pressed a palm to his throbbing cheek in shock, staring at Sandalphon, who had his hand still raised. For a moment he was stunned. Sandalphon could have hit him again and he wouldn’t have found a will to defend himself.

“You hit me,” he stated after a moment. He was surprised by how normal his voice sounded.

“Don’t call me a fool,” growled Sandalphon.

“You don’t get to do that! We are not in the training yard!”

“Well, if you spent more time training, you wouldn’t be such a soft target.” mocked Sandalphon. “You wouldn’t need to be constantly protected and you could go wherever you liked.”

“I don’t need to be protected. I can take care of myself!”

“Prove it then! Hit me back!”

Gabriel, adrenalin still coursing in his veins from his workout, found himself suddenly angry at Sandalphon. Not only for hitting him but for not having trust in him. He was not a child and he managed to exist without him for thousand of years. He hurt him and Gabriel wanted to hurt him back. His hands clenched into fists and he had to fight the urge to strike Sandalphon with all his might. Red in the face he turned to leave, already opening the door. Sandalphon rushed to him. He caught him by the wrist, pulling him back. Sandalphon blocked his way.

“Let me go or I’ll…” he said with a raised voice, red in the face.

“Gabriel, calm down. Everyone will hear you.” Sandalphon took a step towards him. Gabriel took a step back. “Look, I am sorry I hit you.”

“Well, you should be.”

“I am,” said Sandalphon with feeling. “But you can’t do things like this. Do you know how I felt when I couldn’t find you anywhere? You weren’t here, you weren’t in your office, I was so scared I thought I might die. And then you come back, all happy, no clue what you just did.” Sandalphon looked to be on the verge of tears. “I just lost it. I didn’t mean to hit you. You know that I would never intentionally hurt you, right?”

Sandalphon reached for his face. Gabriel jerked aside.

“I am truly sorry. How many times do I have to apologize? You must understand, you lose control too sometimes. When you hit me in the baths, I forgave you too. You know everybody can lose their temper sometimes. I know you wanted to hit me back.”

“I didn’t,” said Gabriel through gritted teeth. “I just went for a run,” he added with emphasis.

“I know. Just...let me make it up to you. We can go flying. Or watch The Sound of Music. Just don’t be angry with me. I couldn’t stand it. I love you. I would be nothing without you.”

Gabriel couldn’t stay angry in the face of Sandalphon’s tears. And it was true that he too almost lost control of his temper. And it was true that after that incident in the baths Sandalphon had forgiven in him almost at once.

“I forgive you,” Gabriel grunted.

Sandalphon smiled through his tears. “Let me.” He ran a thumb over the raw spot on his cheek and the stinging gradually disappeared.

“I won’t do it again. Just promise me, you won’t do anything to upset me like this again. I worry for you, you know that.”

“I promise.”

And when Sandalphon gave him a lapel pin in the shape of a lily that he actually liked, he accepted it graciously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Gabriel, you poor naive virgin.
> 
> I hope you folk don't think we are moving too quickly. Remember Sandalphon has been working on Gabriel for months already, and poor Gabe doesn't have many strong mental defenses.
> 
> Birds preen themselves several times a day, google says, don't know how often would angels would have to do it, especially if they keep their wings in other plain of existence.


	5. powerless

Gabriel’s head rang. He was lucky that at one point he had decided to wear a helmet, because the impact he received would certainly split his skull. He ended up on his back, the sky above him spinning. His wrist was throbbing and he suspected that he had some of his ribs cracked. It was the third time this training session that Sandalphon beat him to a pulp and Gabriel was exhausted. Logic would dictate that after countless days spent at the training grounds, he would be improving but the opposite seemed to be the truth. His reflexes were slow, his weapons never struck where he wanted them to and when the Sandalphon came at him with his warhammer, he always flinched.

Sandalphon, standing above him, poked him in the stomach with the shaft of his spear. “If I was a demon you would be already dead.” he sneered.

“But you are not.” Gabriel tried for a cheeky smile, but breathing was kind of difficult. “You’d save me and kissed it better, right?”

Sandalphon frowned down at him. “Get up.”

Gabriel honestly tried to do it, but his head felt dizzy. He sat down and swayed. “Sandalphon, I don’t feel so good.”

“Get up.”

The two angels training close-by stopped to watch. “Sir, I think he had enough.”

“You don’t have to be concerned,” said Sandalphon with a smile, “I know what I am doing.”

“Archangel Sandalphon, it’s against policy to continue if there is a suspicion of injury. General Michael’s order.” the angel actually looked disapproving.

The two angels joined them, took Gabriel by the arms and helped him stand. He got a close look at their insignia of a burning sword in front of two spread wings. Ah, Michael’s people, an elite group of warriors charged with defending Heaven. Most of the angels went back to their jobs once the Armageddon turned out to be the biggest flop of the millennium, these angels went back to training so they could protect Heaven at all times. They were practically equivalent to Heaven's professional army. 

“And you did hit him pretty hard.” said the tall black male shaped angel, waving a hand in front of his face. Gabriel blinked owlishly. “I think the visit to the infirmary is in order.”

“Ah, um, maybe you are right. I expected him to block that,” said Sandalphon, putting his hand around his waist. Gabriel gratefully let his weight sank onto his shoulder. “I think I’ll manage to get Gabriel there. You two can get to your training.”

“Come, Kushiel.” said the other angel with the long golden hair. “I think these two doves want to be alone.”

The two angels turned away. Sandalphon maneuvered Gabriel towards the exit, saying loudly. “That insistence of yours on training all the time, I knew you will get yourself injured one of these days.”

Once they got to the empty changing room, Sandalphon deposited Gabriel on a bench and started stripping off his practice armour. “I dedicate so much time helping you learn to fight, and you seem to actually be getting worse at it. It’s like you enjoy being hit. Is that it?” Sandalphon tapped a tender rapidly reddening spot on his temple. A spike of pain shot out into his brain and Gabriel flinched.

“No. I just don’t know what to do. Michael used to show me-”

“Well, I am not Michael, am I? I am a believer in learning from experience.”

That was a problem with Sandalphon. When Michael used to teach Gabriel how to defend himself, she always showed him how to hold his weapon, what posture to take, how to swing his sword or jab his spear. Sandalphon just told him to attack and started battering him with a hammer, expecting that he would figure it out eventually. Just like humans thought their children to swim by throwing them into deep water.

The only thing Gabriel figured out was that Sandalphon wasn’t a very good teacher. But Gabriel would never tell him that. Sandalphon would probably get offended again and Gabriel didn’t want to listen to the accusation that he didn’t respect him. Gabriel’s arguments why not keep training - he can always fly away, it’s useless, they have too much work anyway and last but not least, that he was tired - were always rebuffed. Sandalphon always got tearful, that he was scared for Gabriel, as one of the most known Archangel, he would be a great symbolic target for Hell. “I won’t let you go down before you improve,” Sandalphon added. And well, the ability to go to Earth without having concerned Sandalphon on his heels all the time was worth few bruises. Gabriel understood that Sandalphon was trying to be caring, but it got tiring after a while.

Gabriel’s hand travelled to the raw spot on his head. Miracles required focus, and Gabriel wasn’t sure he had it, with his head throbbing and dizzy like this. 

“Could you help me heal it?” he asked Sandalphon who busied himself with stripping his own clothes.

“No.” Sandalphon cut him off. Gabriel’s heart sank. That was new. So far Sandalphon tenderly attended to all his wounds after practice, insisting that he must check that he was alright. “I think a bit of pain would be good for you. It will be a reminder that you have to try better next time.”

“But it really hurts.”

“Come, don’t be such a pansy, Gabriel. I barely touched you. If it’s so unbearable, heal yourself or go to the infirmary, so everybody can know you are the archangel who can’t fight.”

Sandalphon left. With gritted teeth, Gabriel ran a hand across his chest. He felt his ribs shift, but not really align or knit back together. He hissed in pain and frustration. It wasn’t the first time his miracles misbehaved in recent months. But it was always in little ways. Just another day he tried to miracle the water in the bathroom appropriately warm and it turned ice cold instead. It worried Gabriel. There was no precedent for this; he had never heard of an angel losing the ability to perform miracles. The only thing he could think of was that he had someone displeased Her and she was cutting him from the source of his power. Was this some kind of message that he had done something wrong?

Honestly, Gabriel didn’t know what to do. He didn’t tell anybody, not even Sandalphon. What sort of an angel he was without miracles? He couldn’t have anyone knowing.

That was why he couldn’t go to the infirmary. How would he explain to them that he needed help with healing the wounds he usually could vanish with a snap of fingers? Angels in the infirmary had nothing to do and that made them even bigger gossips than the workers in the baths. Whole Heaven would know about his impotence in a day.

But his headache really didn’t abate. 

The following evening Gabriel sat in his office, trying to compose a letter to Michael. The chances that she wouldn't read it were high. She didn’t even bother to fill proper reports, sending them short missives that she was very busy, her mission was progressing well and she would complete all paperwork once she was back. But Gabriel just needed to get some things off his chest, even if Michael would never get them.

He felt a bit guilty. There was still a pile of paperwork on his desk. Lately, his work performance dropped, and it wasn’t for the headache. He had been feeling tired for the past two weeks, even when he didn’t do anything strenuous to make him so. He tried to rest more. Angels didn’t need to sleep, but most of them indulged. It was a nice and relaxing way to let go of their worries and wake up refreshed, ready for any new challenges. Usually, Gabriel got a short nap at least once a week but now he couldn’t just fall asleep at all. It was driving him mad. If angels could get sick, Gabriel would have sworn that it was what was happening. Sandalphon, who hadn’t slept at all, it was according to him wasteful, had a different opinion. Gabriel was just lazy. 

That was why Gabriel jerked guiltily when he heard Sandalphon call his name. “You are still here? Holy Spirit, you still haven’t finished this yet?”

Gabriel grunted. “Why are you here?”

“I am looking for you, silly. I was looking forward to spending a nice evening with you, and you didn’t show up at home. What have you been doing the whole day? Staring out of the window again?”

“No?”

“What’s that?” Sandalphon snatched the unwritten letter from beneath his hands. “Are you writing to Michael?”

“Well,” Gabriel licked his lips, “I thought, we have been together for months and we didn’t even tell her. I don’t want her to feel we forgot her once she comes back.”

“You were wasting time writing to Michael instead of work?” Sandalphon shook his head as if he was talking to the biggest idiot in Heaven. “Gabby, she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even read what we send her.”

“I know she has been busy…”

Sandalphon interrupted him with a derisive snort. “Please, Michael doesn’t read it on purpose. She is enjoying herself. She has beasts and dangerous trinkets to play with. If she could stay there forever, she would.”

“Michael isn’t so irresponsible.”

“Don’t be so naive. She hates paperwork, why do you think she let you lead administrative part of Heaven? It wasn’t for your skill.”

“Michael trusts me to handle it.”

“That’s why she keeps standing behind you all the time? Goes behind your back? Does whatever she likes when she doesn't like what you tell her?”

Gabriel swallowed his protests. It was kind of truth that Michael did that, the whole thing with backchannels was proof of that.

“And your work really has slipped since she hasn’t been here to prop you up.” Sandalphon picked one of the unread files. “You really should let me help you. Since you can’t finish it in a reasonable time.”

Gabriel couldn’t find the energy to refuse Sandalphon this time. He lowered his head. “I am just tired. I think there might be something wrong with my corporation.”

“Well, obviously.” 

Gabriel looked up in surprise. “What do you mean, obviously?”

“Gabby, honey, I hate to say it to you, but you really let yourself go. You are really lucky I love you so much because nobody else would touch you like this anymore.”

“What, I didn’t change.”

“Please, you don’t even work out anymore. It’s no wonder you think there is something wrong with this corporation. You have gotten lazy and it shows.” 

Gabriel looked down at his body. It was true that he didn’t go for a run on Earth in ages and as a result lost some muscle mass; his suit was a bit loose. But it wasn’t as bad as that.

“I guess I better get back to running.” 

“You better. I don’t think I could stay with a sloth.”

  
  
  
  


The next day, Gabriel dropped a tablet he had just picked from Haniel’s desk. The screen shattered loudly, drawing the attention of nearby angels. Gabriel picked it up with an uneasy smile and tried to miracle it fixed. It exploded in his head, sharp fragments injuring his hand.

Haniel dragged him to the infirmary. “That’s it! You have been acting weird the whole week.” Gabriel tried to protest but Haniel would have none of it. 

The infirmary used to be Raphael’s haunt since he had been away, Gabriel hardly ever ventured there. He didn’t need to. Healers that worked there didn’t have much to do. Angels didn’t really get sick, they could miracle minor injuries healed themselves, so they only took care of the rare serious injuries. And prepared for the war.

Angel named Sariel takes charge of picking the pieces of the tablet of his hand while Haniel agitatedly described what happened. 

“Has this ever happened before?”

Gabriel grunted. If he said it did, the whole Heaven would know, and that was precisely what he didn’t want.

“Well?”

“Once or twice,” he admitted unwillingly. Truth was, he was now on more than ten incidents; the one where his tie tried to strangle him was actually disturbing.

“I think I should examine you.” Sariel dragged him away to a private cubicle, making him strip.

“Archangel Gabriel, why for the love of all that is Holy, are you walking around with giant bruises?”

Gabriel tried to find a good excuse. He couldn’t admit that he, the Archangel Gabriel was so incompetent in a fight, he got his ass served. Or that his miracles misbehaved so much, he couldn’t even heal them. Luckily he indeed had an excuse, courtesy of Sandalphon. 

“It’s from practice. I leave the bruises on to remind me I have to practice harder.”

Sariel looked at him as if he went crazy. She poured some of her healing light into him. “One of your ribs is broken. You have a mild concussion. No wonder you can’t focus on miracles if you are in pain.”

Sariel healed all his injuries with laughable ease.

“Now, is there something else that has been troubling you?”

“I feel tired all the time. Do you think something might be wrong with this corporation?”

Sariel frowned. “You had it for a couple of thousand years, correct?”

“Since the flood.” agreed Gabriel.

“Well, sometimes the corporation that was in use for too long can get too worn out, especially if not properly maintained. But I doubt it’s your case.”

“I see.”

“If you want my honest opinion, I think it’s not your body that’s tired, but your mind. The mind has a great power to influence the state of the body. I think you are just stressed. The Armageddon and Aziraphale’s betrayal took a toll on all of us, but I heard that you took particularly hard.”

Why did everyone think he was still brooding about Armageddon? It was months ago, Aziraphale was sacked, he was over it!

“I can give you the essence of Pure Sleep to help you rest. But if you keep having problems, you come. Should it come to the worst, you will just have to get a new body.”

And with that, he was ushered out.

Gabriel decided to take his injured hand as an excuse to take a day off and headed to his quarters. It was the middle of the day and Sandalphon was at his office. Gabriel inhaled a part of the essence, which worked just as the name suggested and caped the rest of the vial for the later use. He dropped to sleep almost immediately.

  
  
  
  


The insistent shaking woke him up. Gabriel slowly opened his eyes, blinking to chase the rest of the sleep from his eyes. Sandalphon stood above him with a strange expression on his face. Gabriel raised himself on his elbows carefully.

“What’s going on?”

“I heard that you went to infirmary instead of doing your work today.”

“Ah,” Gabriel sat down on the bed. “I had a minor mishap with a miracle. I don’t know why,” he laughed weekly. “tablet kind of exploded. Haniel insisted I go see a proper healer.”

“Do you think me for a fool?” Sandalphon growled.

“I don’t understand.”

“Do you think I’ll believe that you have grown so incompetent that you can’t perform a simple miracle? You did on purpose!”

“That’s ridiculous. Why would I do that?”

“I know how it is. You grew tired of me, old ugly Sandalphon, not even a proper Archangel. You went to get your dues somewhere else.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I am talking about that...Sariel you went to see.”

“She is just a healer.” Said Gabriel, mightily confused, not really sure why Sandalphon was angry.

“That’s not what I heard. I heard you were alone with her for a long time. Is that why you don’t fuck me? Are you screwing her behind my back?”

Gabriel stood up, kind of shocked that Sandalphon would suggest such a thing. “Don’t talk like this. I didn’t do anything, I don’t even know her properly.”

“How can I believe that? Don’t you think I didn’t notice that you have been avoiding me? You have been seeing her, admit it!”

Gabriel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I wasn’t! What has even gotten into you?”

“I love you so much, Gabriel, but I can see that you don’t love me back. You are just using me. Well, guess what, once this Sariel sees what a whiny idiot you are, she will rather fly off to fuck Satan than to put with you.”

Gabriel put a hands-on Sandalphon’s shoulders, rubbing them soothingly. “For the last time, nothing happened.”

“Do you swear it?”

“Of course I swear it.”

“Do you even love me?” 

“Of course I love you,” said Gabriel with conviction

“You swear nothing happened with that Sariel?”

“I swear. She just healed my ribs and gave me something to help me sleep.”

Sandalphon suddenly froze. “So you lied,” he said triumphantly.

“What?”

“You let her touch you.”

“It was just for healing,” said Gabriel incredulously.

“Don’t lie to me! I told you not to heal them, didn’t I? Why don’t you ever do as you are told?!”

“Come on, be reasonable, it hurt, I couldn’t focus properly.”

“That you should have bloody well pushed through it. You really are a ninny. I really need to teach you to be a proper archangel. And this time the lesson will stick.”

He hit him in the stomach hard. Gabriel bent in half, the wind knocked out of him. He was in shock. Since he struck him more than a month ago, Sandalphon didn’t deliberately hurt him outside the training grounds and he believed it would stay that way. 

“I gave everything to you, and you just mock me.”

This time he hit him in the ribs and Gabriel heard them crack.

“You think somebody else would put up with you as I did? There is a reason you don’t have any friends, Gabby. No-one can stand you.”

This time Gabriel managed to catch Sandalphon’s fist before it connected with his face. “Stop it! Stop it! I didn’t do anything!” Gabriel found out he was crying.

Sandalphon ignored him. He hit him again to the side of the head so hard Gabriel saw stars. His knees buckled and the next moment he was looking at the floor close up. He felt sick and he dry-heaved. If his stomach wasn’t just never activated thing inside his body, he would probably be sick all over.

“Please, stop hurting me. I love you. I swear I love you.”

After a while, Gabriel felt hands under his armpits, lifting him. “Alright, Gabriel. Don’t cry. I know. I am sorry. You just made me so mad.”

“Why did you do that?” slurred Gabriel, he felt dizzy and not really in control of his body.

“I am sorry. Here, lay down. It will be all better in the morning.” Sandalphon deposited him in the bed, petting his head. He took the vial with the sleep essence, uncapped it and waved it under his nose. “Breathe in.”

There was a distance part of Gabriel that screamed at him not to stay here with Sandalphon, but he could barely hear it over the loud noise in his ears. The closer part of him was just tired. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes.

  
  
  
  


It was indeed better in the morning. Gabriel woke refreshed and pain-free. He stretched with a yawn and looked down his body. He was completely healed and there was no evidence of his injuries from the previous day.

“Hey, you are finally awake.” Gabriel jumped. Sandalphon was sitting in the corner observing him. “Hope you got a good rest.”

Gabriel scrambled back. Sandalphon looked confused like he didn’t just beat him bloody last night. “What’s up with you?”

“What’s up with you?!” cried Gabriel, trying to figure out a way to an exit. Unfortunately, Sandalphon positioned himself by the only door. 

“Gabriel, you are acting odd. Are you alright?”

“You are the one acting odd! How can you just sit here calmly after you did last night!”

Sandalphon had the gall to look confused. “What I did last night?”

“Don’t play a fool. You beat me up.”

Sandalphon sputtered indignantly. “Beat you…? Gabriel, what are you talking about? I got home last night and you were asleep. I let you sleep since you have been so tired lately.”

Gabriel stared at Sandalphon. He sighed. “I think I know what happened. You took too much of that,” he waved at the bedside table where the vial still lay, “and you had a bad dream.”

“It was just a dream?”

Sandalphon approached slowly. Gabriel froze when he put his hand around him gently. “Just a dream. It must have been really realistic since it got you so scared. But Gabriel you must know that I would never hurt you. I love you. I would sooner defy the Almighty than hurt you.”

Gabriel was convinced that what happened last night had been real, but Sandalphon sounded so sincere. He glanced around the bedroom. Everything was in its place. There was no evidence of violence on his body. Gabriel fought to calm his heart.

“You mustn’t believe it. You are just stressed, your mind is playing tricks on you.”

Maybe Sandalphon was right. Maybe his mind was playing tricks on him. After all, Sandalphon loved him. He said so every day. Why would he beat him over something so ridiculous? He laid his head on Sandalphon’s shoulder. He was warm and solid and rubbed his back soothingly.

“Now get dressed. You already slept in too late. You don’t want anyone to think we indulged in the morning.”

Gabriel dressed in the lightest coloured suit he could find, trying to calm his mind. It was just a dream, he tried to convince himself. But cold dread settled over his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, I think Sandalphon is violent enough that it wouldn't take long for the abuse to become physical. In canon he is introduced as a guy who is famous for a violent deed (Sodom and Gomorrah) and he hesitate to punch Aziraphale later.
> 
> Gabriel is still half convinced that it wasn't a dream. And he would be right. Sandalphon just wants him to doubt his own mind, so he can claim he is crazy if Gabriel ever accuses him of hitting him. 
> 
> You never win an argument with an abuser. Sandalphon was decided to hurt Gabriel from the beginning.


	6. trinity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uriel strikes again, Sandalphon strikes some more, and the Metatron finishes it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember Gabriel was exposed to Sandalphon's gaslighting for more than half a year by now. His meager mental defences are pretty muchworn out by now.

Gabriel spent the following few weeks constantly looking over his shoulder. Most of the time Sandalphon was there, in the corner of his eye, smiling or giving him a wave. He came around often, helping with paperwork or dragging him for a walk around Heaven, so Gabriel could stretch his legs.

Gabriel didn’t resist him. He was scared that any wrong word or action would bring back the violent Sandalphon, that it would make the _dream_ real. This way it almost seemed that everything was back to normal, with Sandalphon being attentive and giving Gabriel badly chosen but well-meaning articles of clothing.

Maybe Gabriel really was losing his mind. If he was behind in paperwork before, his work has slowed to a crawl now.

Even Uriel sook him out for it after weeks where he saw them only in passing.

“Is everything alright with you?”

“What do you mean by that?” Gabriel tried to avoid answering.

Uriel put their hands on their hips and sighed. “You are really behind your work, even with Sandalphon’s help - yes, I know he has been helping you, I can recognize his handwriting - and you seem distracted last,” Uriel thought back, “last few weeks.”

“And how would you know that? We barely talked these last few weeks.” the bitterness crept into Gabriel’s voice.

“Don’t be like that. We have all been awfully busy since the Armageddon. And every time I see you, you are hanging off Sandalphon’s arm anyway. I have no intention to come between you two love bird, I am not interested in being a third wing. And don’t think you are avoiding my question.”

“Maybe I am a bit tired,” admitted Gabriel.

“It’s more than that. Do you know that you have sent agents to the wrong Cambridge? You are starting to make mistakes, Gabriel, and it may hurt someone.”

“It’s not my fault humans have to give the same name to two different things. It’s like if there were two Gabriels. That would get confusing really quickly.”

“Sometimes I have a feeling there are two different Gabriels,” muttered Uriel. “This,” they waved their hand in his direction, “when you don’t even seem to be here. And then when I see you when you are with Sandalphon. You look like you might burst out of your corporation then. You aren’t so mad for him that you can’t devote any attention to the rest of us, imperfect creatures, right? Not that there's anything wrong with being in love.” 

There was a brief moment when Gabriel almost poured his heart to Uriel. Then he imagined their face if he told them that Sandalphon had beaten him, but he wasn't even sure if it was real or just a dream. Or if he complained that Sandalphon loved him so much he wanted to spend all his time with him and it got on Gabriel’s nerves. Uriel would probably laugh at him or they would drag him to Phanuel to have his mind examined. And then there would be talk, and Gabriel would be once again exposed to disapproving stares. So he swallowed his grievances and gave Uriel a weak smile. 

“You know me and Sandalphon, we can’t be without each other. He really helps me with all of this. I don’t know what would I do without him.”

“Probably suffered a mental breakdown,” said Uriel drily. “Seriously, though. If you are so stressed, have you considered a vacation? I heard that humans swear by that.”

“Vacation?” The word sounded truly horrendous. Did it have anything to do with emptying something? Maybe it was some barbaric human medical practice. Gabriel heard they even removed half of the people’s brains to cure them of various diseases. 

“Apparently you don’t go to work for several days in a row.”

“And do what?!”

“Relax? Go on a trip? You and Sandalphon could go to visit Triangulum Galaxy, or just laze about.”

The idea of not being able to spend at least a few hours in his office while his and Sandalphon’s work hours coincided filled Gabriel with inexplicable panic. As it went, Sandalphon spent significant time here already, he even claimed a side of Gabriel’s desk.

“Thanks, I think it isn’t for me.”

“Well, still, think about it.”

  
  
  
  


Two days after his conversation with Uriel, Sandalphon made all his fears come true and struck him again. It’s banal thing that set him off. Gabriel’s miracles didn’t really stop misbehaving. It was actually getting worse, not that Gabriel confessed that to anyone. Gabriel decided to iron the wrinkles out of his lavender suit. It was one of the articles of clothing that survived the purge during the move to new quarters. Sandalphon got him plenty of new clothes since then of course, but there was always something off about them - either they were the wrong style or they just weren’t tailored directly to his body and didn’t fit that well. As a result, Gabriel’s original suits got more wear and tear than usual. 

Unfortunately, the miracle didn’t work as intended. Instead of the suit turning clean and freshly pressed, there was a cracking sound. One of the axes mounted on the wall (for decoration, Sandalphon claimed) flew off, barely missed Gabriel’s face and wedged itself on the opposing wall, where Sandalphon hung a huge shield he used in the War. It cracked and dropped to the floor in two halves. Gabriel stared at Sandalphon, clutching the jacket nervously. Sandalphon stared at Gabriel. 

“What was that?” he shouted.

Gabriel cringed. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

Sandalphon seethed and backhanded Gabriel across the face so hard he heard his nose crack. Blood gushed down his face and onto his jacket.

“You didn’t mean? Like I believe that! Don’t think I didn’t notice that you hate having my things around. Well, guess what?!” Sandalphon ripped the suit out of Gabriel’s hands, shredding it.

“Don’t,” Gabriel shouted, on the verge of tears. He realized, quite belatedly, that it was not only one of his remaining suits but one of his remaining possession at all. Somehow, without Gabriel really noticing, Sandalphon persuaded him to get rid of most of his things. He jumped after Sandalphon but he only shoved him and he ended up on his bum. Sandalphon finished destroying the suit and vanished it with a sneer.

“Are you going to cry over a suit?” Sandalphon rolled his eyes at him. “You really are a weakling.”

“Shut up! Shut up!”

Sandalphon raised his hands in mock surrender. “Alright. I clearly upset you. But Gabby, you upset me first. You didn’t have to destroy my shield first.”

“I didn’t want to. It was an accident with a miracle.”

Sandalphon tutted. “Do you really believe that I am so stupid? You are an archangel and you can’t perform a simple miracle? Hmmm?”

“It’s true,” said Gabriel with a swallow. “It’s happening for a while, I don’t know why.”

“My, Gabriel, are you telling me you can’t really do miracles? I thought that the thing with the tablet was a one-time thing.”

Gabriel nodded miserably. “Thing 

Sandalphon crouched by his side gathered him into his arms. “My love, why didn’t you tell me. I would have helped you.”

“I was scared.”

“Scared?” Sandalphon released him and shook him. “You make me scared. You could have been seriously hurt. You should have told me at once and not to use miracles at all, until we find the cause of this. You should have your aura examined at the very least. ”

“No! You can’t tell anybody!” Gabriel cried, grabbing Sandalphon by the lapels of his own suit. “Promise me you won’t tell anybody. Other angels can’t know this.”

“Why? They could help you.” Sandalphon tried his best to sound reasonable.

Gabriel swallowed and avoided Sandalphon’s eyes. But the thing about Sandalphon was that he could read him very easily, almost as if he had the ability to read his mind.

“You think that the Almighty is doing it to punish you?” Gabriel didn’t dare voice this thought, always pushing it to the back of his mind. Hearing it said aloud like this stung. But what Sandalphon said was the truth. 

“What another logical explanation is there? Have you ever heard about the angel who couldn’t do miracles properly? Even Aziraphale can still snap his fingers and warm his gross matter, even after all that he had done.”

“I’ve never heard about that, you are right, the only angels who were close…” Sandalphon stumbled over his words.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing.” Sandalphon patted him on the head. “Don’t worry your pretty head about it.”

But Gabriel was not as stupid as many of his coworkers took him for. “You were going to say falling, right? The only angels who had problems were angels who later became demons, as they lost their connection to the Almighty and started to draw their power from Hell.” Gabriel’s voice was close to hysterical.

“I am sure that’s not going to happen, Gabby. You were always her favourite.”

So was Lucifer, thought Gabriel dumbly, and look where it got him.

“But why me? I haven’t done anything to deserve it!”

“Well, perhaps She is angry about the Armageddon? It doesn’t matter Gabriel. I guess you will just have to be extra good. Starting with not destroying other people’s property, yes?”

Gabriel lowered his head. “I am sorry about your shield. I know it was important to you.”

“Apology accepted. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t like it when I have to hit you. Now let me heal that for you. We don’t want you to attempt it on your own, you could fry your own brain.”

  
  
  
  
  


After that, the incidents of Sandalphon striking Gabriel become more frequent as the days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Gabriel tried to hardest not to do anything that that would have aggravated Sandalphon, but he still managed to mess up frequently. Sandalphon flew into a rage over the most unexpected things. Half the time Gabriel didn’t even know that he had done something wrong until a fist flew into his face or he got kicked into the stomach. Once Sandalphon had hit him for being sullen when he invited his friends over once again and Gabriel barely acknowledged them. Another time he slapped him because his effort just couldn’t get aroused.

Yes, the effort was something he had now, giving in to Sandalphon’s constant pressure. It didn’t help much. Sandalphon kept pushing for more and more, going from hands to mouth and Gabriel knew it was only a matter of time until he asked him to fuck him in the ass or make a little pink vulva. Gabriel knew a lot about sex now. It turned out that the boxes, allegedly for work, that Sandalphon moved in, were full of pornography. Sandalphon claimed he possessed them to keep track of human depravities and perversions. It made Gabriel feel mortified when he realized what he said back in Aziraphale’s bookshop. Sandalphon kept showing them to Gabriel, suggesting what size and shape effort he thought he should manifest. Not that any of that mattered because hardly ever Gabriel managed to get it to work, inviting only mocking from his lover that he was impotent both in miracles and in bed.

The time he could spend alone in his office was starting to be his only relief and even that came to an end. He got summoned to attend a meeting with the Metatron. Gabriel would lie if he said that he didn’t feel slight apprehension ascending the highest tower of Heavenly city where the Metatron resided, rarely ever leaving it to mingle with the rest of them. Gabriel was the archangel, he had nothing to fear from the Metatron. Technically he unranked them. When the Metatron spoke with the voice of God, their word was more than law. When they spoke for themselves, they were just the Metatron.

“Gabriel, good, good. I am glad you arrived promptly.” the Metatron greeted him once he entered his office. Gabriel frowned. And what did they mean by that?! Gabriel had never been late. Well maybe a few times lately, but he had a lot on his plate.

“I am always eager to hear what the Voice of the Almighty has to say,” said Gabriel, aiming for a pleasant cheery voice, but he couldn’t muster the necessary enthusiasm. He was just tired. He was always tired these days.

“And how are you these days? Congratulations on your relationship with Archangel Sandalphon, by the way. You both must be very happy.”

Gabriel’s mouth twisted into something that might be considered a smile. “We are.”

“Excellent, I am glad you have someone to support you in these trying times.” the Metatron puttered around their office, avoiding looking at Gabriel. 

“Sandalphon has been an immense help with my duties,” admitted Gabriel. 

“Yes, yes, I heard that you have had some problems with that. Have you considered taking some time off? Stepping back for a while and getting some rest?”

“I don’t need a rest,” Gabriel assured him, but exhausted rings under his eyes and pale skin undermined his argument. He had spent increased time every morning grooming his appearance, trying to hide his less than perfect state but he still managed to look haggard. Sandalphon’s running commentary that he was letting himself go, and his statements that he was lucky that he loved him because no-one else would have him in this state, didn’t help matters any.

“Actually some leave away from work would do you some good.” said the Metatron. “You should really take it when it’s offered.”

Gabriel felt like his wings stopped working and he was dropping out of the sky straight to Hell. The Metatron were taking their sweet time to get to the core of the matter and such a prevarication was never a good sign. They were up to something and it probably wasn’t anything good. “There is too much work for me just stop working right now.” he said cautiously.

“Gabriel, I heard that your work was so unsatisfactory that you have been more of a hindrance than an asset. I advise you to take this voluntarily and gracefully or you will be forced to do it for everyone to see.”

“Is…” Gabriel licked his lips nervously. He felt his wings flutter in the outside dimension where he kept them for several months. “Is this an order from the Almighty?”

“It has been decided.” said the Metatron sagely.

“Decided by whom?” Gabriel sensed his anger rising. The Metatron was annoyingly vague as usual. 

“Your more recent behaviour and actions didn’t go unnoticed.”

“What? What have I done? I was just fulfilling my duties as always. You have no right to...to sack me!” By the last word, Gabriel was almost shouting. The Metatron lifted one of their arms in a conciliatory gesture. 

“You are not getting sacked, Gabriel. You are just being given time to get your head back on track. Once you are feeling alright again, you can return back to your regular duties. This is being done for your own good.”

“I don’t need to get my head back on track.”

“Gabriel, I have been hearing disturbing things about you. You are moody and easy to anger, sometimes you have even been violent. And you can’t perform miracles. In the current situation, you are a danger to Heaven and a danger to yourself.”

It must have been Hellfire burning his very soul, there was no other explanation. Only Sandalphon knew about his ongoing troubles with his miracles. And Sandalphon promised not to tell anyone. Sandalphon had betrayed him.

“This is Sandalphon’s doing, isn’t it?” Gabriel couldn’t keep his voice from shaking. “He is turning everybody against me. He took everything and now he is after my job. Don’t you see what he is doing?! He wants to make me into his pet!” by the end of his spiel, he was near hysterical and the Metatron was watching him with wide eyes.

“Dear Lord, he has been right,” they muttered almost silently, but Gabriel could still hear them.

“Right about what? What lies has he told you? That I am foolish little idiot, who can’t even perform a little miracle?! That I am weakling who can’t go anywhere without a chaperone because evil nasty demons would get me?! He has no right to go around and talk about me like this!”

“He said nothing of the sort about you.” said the Metatron soothingly, putting their hands on his shoulders and pushing him into suddenly materialized chair. “He is simply concerned about you. We all are.”

Gabriel felt empty on the inside, cold on the outside and on the verge of crying. “But don’t you see? He is doing this! He wants to destroy me!”

“Gabriel, listen to yourself. Why do you think he wants to destroy you?” Metatron humoured him. 

“He...he…” Gabriel hesitated. “He doesn’t let me go where I want to go, do what I want to do! He destroyed my things! He hit me! He hits me all the time!” 

The Metatron’s next words sounded cold. “Gabriel, this is a very serious accusation. One that I find very hard to believe.”

“It’s true though! Why don’t you believe me?!”

“Sandalphon is a fellow angel, who was nothing but dedicated and faithful for his whole existence. He wouldn’t be capable of doing something like this. Moreover, he loves you. He’s loved you for ages, the whole Heaven knew about it except for you. He would rather...rather Fall than do something like you said he did.”

“He hit me until I bled!”

The Metatron’s voice was tired and sad. “Gabriel, are you sure that it really happened the way you say?”

Gabriel froze. “What do you mean by that?”

“Well, some of your...symptoms include nightmares. You are easily confused. It’s possible your mind is playing tricks on you.”

“What, you say I have just dreamed it all up?”

“It’s more likely than Sandalphon beating you, what was it you said, until you bled.”

“It’s true. It’s true!” the repeating it must get it through the Metatron’s thick skull, right?

“If that’s true, why did you let him?” said the Metatron smugly.

“What?”

“You are both archangels. You want me to believe that he, what, overpowered you? That you didn’t defend yourself?”

The fact was that defending himself didn’t really occur to Gabriel. He was weak and incompetent. He had no chance against Sandalphon. He always handed him his ass on the training yard, right? “He is stronger than me,” grumbled Gabriel. I can’t stop him.”

“Gabriel, if what you say was the truth, do you think the Almighty would tolerate such behaviour from one of her angels? No, it just proves everything we feared. You aren’t in the right state of mind.”

“The Almighty...she approves of this?”

“Nothing’s happening at all. It’s just in your head. The Almighty was very happy when you Gabriel and Sandalphon found love in each other.”

“You spoke to Her about it?” asked Gabriel in a small voice. He was jealous. He didn’t get to speak to God in person for six hundred thirty-seven years, two months, one week and four days. Not that he counted. He wasn’t some desperate little boy waiting for his mother to give him scraps of affection. Still, if She cared about it why didn’t She told him, instead of gossiping about his personal life with the Metatron? “Can I speak to Her? Maybe She can explain it.”

“You know it doesn’t work like this.”

“But I need to know. Why my miracles don’t work for me? What did I do wrong?”

“She didn’t tell me anything. She must have Her own reasons She will reveal in time.”

“But…”

“I think I told you everything I was meant to. Go back home. Spend some time with Sandalphon, see that he truly loves you. What’s happening to you is hurting him. Do some soul searching, get some help.”

“But…”

“But nothing.” The Metatron lead him out of his doors. 

Gabriel left, his legs walking on their own. He felt as if he had just Fallen and he was plummeting towards Hell. There must have been something in his face or in the way he carried himself; all the angels he encountered kept clear of him. He arrived at one of the major junctions in Heaven. The right side would lead him to the part of the city where his and Sandalphon’s personal quarters were located. The left side lead to the Gates. Gabriel stood there for what must have been an eternity. Then he turned to the left.

  
  
  
  


Gabriel felt immense relief when he left the escalator that brought him to Earth. The guards let him out without a comment. He was still the Archangel, he had the right to go as he pleased and Sandalphon couldn’t order them to stop them. The realization of that was liberating.

Gabriel didn’t even know where he had gone, just some random city on Earth. It was already late spring. With his life revolving around Sandalphon he didn’t notice that so much time had already passed. The air was filled with energy and smelled of newborn life. Trees and flowers were in the full bloom. Gabriel soaked it all in, wandering around city, feeling invigorated. 

But as the night fell he really didn’t know what to do with himself. He never visited Earth without a goal, whether it was a mission for Heaven or when he wanted to get a new suit or he went for a run. Now he had no purpose and he felt at a loss. By the time the night fell, Gabriel found himself in a little park by the side of the river, sitting on a bench. He watched swans swimming by the banks and the boats filled with people going up and down the river.

At some point, he must have fallen asleep because a hand shaking his shoulder woke him up. Gabriel blinked confusedly. Belatedly he realized that without his miracles he was vulnerable, unable to defend himself against any random human criminal or worse, demons.

But the human-shaped being above him weren’t humans or demons. “Archangel Gabriel?” Gabriel straightened to look into the angel’s concerned face. He recognized him as Kushiel. “We are here to take you home.”

“No.” Gabriel choked over the lump in his throat, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Please, Gabriel, come with us.” said the second angel, Gabriel was certain he was called Zachariel. 

“I’m not going with you anywhere!”

Both angels put their hands on arms, restraining him and keeping him from fleeing. Their grip wasn’t painful but it was firm. When Gabriel started to pull away from them, they grew only stronger. “Please, don’t resist. We aren’t going to hurt you.” Zachariel assured him.

Tears filled his eyes. He tried pleading with his two captors. “Please, I can’t go back. He is going to be angry.”

Kushiel’s tone was reassuring. “No-one is going to be angry. Everybody is very worried about you.”

“No, you don’t understand. Sandalphon will kill me this time.” Gabriel sobbed.

“You are not well,” said Zachariel. “Please, just let us bring you back. They will help you to get better.”

“No, no.” Gabriel trashed against the angels, but no matter how hard and desperately he tried, they didn’t let him go. His heart hammered in his chest so furiously it was actually painful. He shouldn’t need to breathe yet he felt as if he was suffocating. His vision narrowed and he could hear drumming in his head. The pain only intensified the closer they got to the hidden entrance to Heaven. He gave a painful moan and curled up on himself, almost collapsing in the Kushiel’s and Zachariel’s arms. 

“Are you alright?” Kushiel sounded almost panicked. 

“Lord, he is shaking like a feather in the hurricane.” Zachariel put his hand on his trembling back. The two angels exchanged a distressed look over his crumpled figure. “We better take him straight to the infirmary.”

Gabriel tried to jerk away when Kushiel started lifting him. But his body was numb, it didn’t listen to his commands at all. The two angels carried him to Heaven, using miracles to speed up their movements and making humans that lingered on the streets even in this time of the night, not to notice.

“Don’t worry,” murmured Kushiel as they boarded the escalator back up. Gabriel wanted to scream but there was something lodged in his throat. “You will be alright.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Why did Gabriel leave my office crying?"
> 
> "Is he alright?"
> 
> "I don't know. He told me some very disturbing things about you."
> 
> "What kind of things?"
> 
> "Things I couldn't possibly condone."
> 
> "Nothing of that is true. I would never hurt Gabriel. I love him. I told you, he isn't well. He has been moody. Paranoid. Seeing things."
> 
> "Well, I sincerely hope it's true."
> 
> "What did you tell him?"
> 
> "What we agreed."


	7. locked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cw for rape in this chapter. You have been warned.

Gabriel stared at his face in the mirror.

A stranger stared back at him. No, that wasn’t right. His face was exactly the same. The same purple eyes, the same line of the jaw, same nose, same lips. He had a new body, but down to the last DNA sequence, it was the same old corporation.

Change the corporation. That was Heaven’s first recourse when some angels started to exhibit problems. And to be fair sometimes it even worked. The physical corporation did experience tear and wear after a long-term use, and Gabriel’s collapse when being brought back to Heaven led many to believe that this was what was happening to him. He was taken to the infirmary at once, discorporated with utmost care to cause him as little discomfort as possible and incorporated into a new, almost identical body. Almost identical was an essential word because after a few thousand years of use, his body fit him like a pair of well-worn shoes, shaped to fit his feet precisely. It took hundreds of years of workout and training to build the musculature and stamina and Gabriel didn’t look forward to doing it again.

Not that he did much with the new body. It was recommended to do as many variable activities one could to get in sync with that new unbroken nervous system. Gabriel did none of that. He hated his new body. He felt empty in it, as if he was barely tethered to it, as if his true form was slowly leaking out of it like out of a pierced balloon. He was feeling even more tired in it and sometimes he could barely muster up any energy to even care about anything, even Sandalphon’s insults and subsequents attacks.*

*The attacks were Gabriel’s fault. He provoked Sandalphon by being like that. He should apologize to Sandalphon for making him do that. Sandalphon loved him, he didn’t want to hurt him. He was doing it for his own good, because he was “insert a deficiency of your choice”. Then repeat ad nauseam. 

After all the necessary procedures and exams, he was released into Sandalphon’s _loving_ care and he stayed there. He was on an official medical leave. Technically he wasn’t confined to the quarters, but whenever he tried to leave, at least three overly concerned angels attached themselves to his side, asking if he needed any assistance, if he was alright, if they should call someone for him. Their concern would be almost touching if they didn’t suggest calling Sandalphon in the next breath. But Sandalphon didn’t like when Gabriel left their rooms on his own.

“I want to know that you are safe and sound. I don’t want you wandering around. You might get confused again and Lord knows where you would end up this time.” said Sandalphon. “We were very lucky Kushiel and Zachariel found you so quickly. I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened if someone else got to you first.” Not that Gabriel could leave through the main gates anyway. He tried that already. The guards stopped him. And called Sandalphon. The beating he received had been the worst yet.

Sandalphon pretended to be distressed over Gabriel’s disappearance. He pretended to be loving partner who bravely bore his lover’s mysterious illness. He pretended to care. But Gabriel now saw what he couldn’t see or refused to see before. Under the caring facade, Sandalphon enjoyed seeing Gabriel brought so low and have him under his control. Once the door closed behind their shared apartment, he returned to constant put downs and physical attacks. There were only few people Gabriel tried to convince what was really going on. Sandalphon rarely left him alone with anyone or hovered nearby. And from those Gabriel had an opportunity to speak to, no-one believed his tale. Not the Metatron, not Phanuel who was sent to assess Gabriel’s mind and his aura and threatened to wipe his mind clean if he didn’t get better. Not even Uriel.

“When you get better, you will be mortified to learn what you thought about Sandalphon.” said Uriel looking at him sadly. “Please focus on getting better. For all of us. We need you.”

Sometimes Gabriel entertained idea that maybe everybody around him was right and he really was going crazy. Thing was that Sandalphon always healed any injury he inflicted on him or claimed that Gabriel did it to himself. Sometimes....

Sharp pain in his hand roused him from the thought of his hopeless situation. He blinked. The middle finger of his right hand was on fire his knuckles bruised. Gabriel looked into the mirror again. It was cracked, his face even more disjointed in it. Gabriel felt sudden hate burning in his body. He hated that mirror and what it showed. He didn’t almost feel any pain when he made his hand into fist again and it connected with the mirror. It cracked again and spiderwebs spread further over the once smooth surface. The skin over his knuckles tore and drops of blood dropped to the floor. On the third hit the mirror completely shattered, fragments of the broken glass flying over the room.

Gabriel’s hand was swelling and turning angry red when Sandalphon came back. Although he had now more work to do as He and Uriel split the bulk of Gabriel’s workload between themselves, he spent less time in the office and more with Gabriel, bringing his paperwork with him and sometimes even holding his meeting in the nextdoor, while Gabriel lay in the bed.

“I hate thinking of Gabriel alone there all day. I want to be there for him. Maybe I can coax some of the old Gabriel back.” This he said to their fellow angels.

“See, Gabby, you are so useless, you can’t even take care of yourself. You are so lucky you have me, no-one else would give up of so much just to take care of you. If it was up to others, they would have locked you to a white cell somewhere.” That was what he said to Gabriel.

Now another smack landed at the back of Gabriel’s head when Sandalphon noticed the glass on the floor and the empty mirror frame. His skull snapped forward and his neck protested in pain. “What happened to the mirror?”

Gabriel said nothing. Nothing he ever had to say in his defence helped. Sandalphon always got angry regardless.

“I said something! You don’t even have enough courtesy to reply?” Sandalphon noticed his bleeding hand and grabbed it roughly. Gabriel hissed in pain. “Oh, Gabby, you know I will have to inform Phanuel of this, right?” his voice was laced with fake pity. “He will write it down as another reason why to have you wiped clean. And you don’t want that, do you? You would forget absolutely everything. Yourself, Michael, Uriel. Me. You don’t want to forget our love, right?” Sandalphon nuzzled the nape of his neck. “I would have to win you over again.”

Gabriel flinched. He imagined waking up, not knowing anything, innocent and clueless and given back to Sandalphon to be molded as he wished him to be. He swallowed. Even falling started to look more appealing than such a fate.

“I’m sorry.” his voice shook. “I just didn’t...I was upset. Will you heal it for me? Please.”

Sandalphon gave him a clip around the ear again. “I’m out of healing energy from constantly healing your scrapes. Learn to suffer.”

But Sandalphon called a healer to see him later. Someone would notice the broken hand when they came for a regularly scheduled examination later and they would question why Sandalphon just didn’t do something about it. Gabriel also suspected that Sandalphon wanted an outsider to see Gabriel’s hand and the broken mirror, so he could be provided with even more ammunition for his narrative that Gabriel lost his mind. That Gabriel was harming himself.

It was Sariel who came. She carefully mended his broken skin and snapped his bones back together. She was frowning all that time.

“You don’t seem to be settling into a new corporation right.” Sariel noted. “Have you been doing all prescribed exercises?”

Gabriel made a meaningless noise that could be taken either as yes and no. 

Sariel sighed. “This is serious. If you have problems attaching your essence to a corporation, you could be facing serious repercussions later on.” Sariel turned around to look at Sandalphon who sat in a chair nearby. “Archangel Sandalphon, would you mind stepping outside for a moment, while I examine Gabriel?”

“I and Gabriel don’t keep secret among ourselves. I’m sure I can witness everything you’ll be doing.”

Sariel smiled politely. “I’ll be releasing some of the essence of my true form and _I_ am uncomfortable with that. And I don’t want you exposed too if something goes wrong. I need to really focus and I can’t be worrying about you too.”

That made sense. Revealing one’s own essence was like undressing. Or letting someone see your most private thoughts. Still, Sariel made it sound much more serious than how it actually was. It sounded rather like an excuse. Sandalphon couldn’t really argue against that though without looking like an asshole he was.But he wasn’t willing to give up that easily either. “Gabriel?”

Gabriel managed a weak smile. “I think I will survive few minutes without you. You’ll be right outside, right?” He hated that Sandalphon turned him into liar. If Sandalphon was on the side of the galaxy, it would be better. The other side of the universe, really.

Sandalphon left the room, still looking over his shoulder, hoping for Gabriel to change his mind and call him back.

“Right.” Sariel got closer to him. “I’ll need you to relax and let the energy flow into you. Don’t resist. Do you understand?”

Gabriel nodded. This wasn’t first time he underwent such examination; lately he had several of them. 

“Ready?”

The other angel released her energy, turning into a figure of light, prodding and searching for any tears or damage to his body and to his true form. Peacefulness washed over him and he almost felt he might fall asleep when it retreated.

“I know Sandalphon is harming you.” whispered Sariel into his ear. That startled Gabriel right back to alertness.

“How…”

But Sariel continued in frantic voice, audible only because she had her lips so close to his ear. “No-one knows what really is wrong with you. Your essence seems to be undamaged but you are still deteriorating. So I thought, humans sometimes have good ideas, maybe it will remind them of something. And one of the humans, she specialized on studies of the mind in her life, she said,” Sariel paused. Technically she didn’t need to take a breath but she still did. “She said you are showing all the signs of an abuse victim. Is it true?”

Sariel leaned back to stare at his face. Gabriel stared back. He nodded slowly.

“Why…?” Sariel started to say, then she lowered her voice. “Why didn’t you tell anyone. The Metatron wouldn’t….”

“I told him!” Sariel quickly put a finger on his lips when he started shouting. “He didn’t believe me. He said I am crazy. Am I crazy?” Gabriel looked up at Sariel with pleading eyes.

“No, no.” she bit her lips. “There must be someone who can help.”

“Who?”

Sariel squared her shoulder. “I will. I will convince others what’s really happening. And if not, I will come to get…” The loud knock on the door interrupted them.

“Are you done there?” Sandalphon sounded impatient. “Can I come in?”

Sariel straightened. “Yes. Come in.”

Sandalphon burst into the room. “So what’s the verdict, Sariel?”

Sariel looked right into Sandalphon’s eyes. “I will have to make a new treatment plan, but I promise you, Gabriel will be alright.”

  
  
  
  


At first Gabriel was elated. There was someone who believed him, someone who was finally on his side, someone who promised to help. His mood skyrocketed and he didn’t really knew what to do with himself, he felt like bouncing off the walls, locked as he was with the Sandalphon, who noted Gabriel’s good spirit and got only more abusive in response.

Gabriel’s hope lasted several days. Then nothing happened and it kept not happening. No-one showed up to help him, no-one came to accuse Sandalphon of the vilest of crimes. When another healer, the one named Kepharel, came to check on him, he had to ask.

“Where is Sariel?”

Kepharel gave him a sharp glance. “She was transferred and sent on an away mission.”

“What?” Gabriel felt his heart sink. “Why?”

“She was judged not to be the best suited to work with individuals who are...disturbed.”

Gabriel turned to face Sandalphon who was standing behind oblivious Kepharel. He smirked at him. Gabriel was certain that this turn of events was somehow his work.

“Did you harm her?” he asked once Kepharel left.

“You are just being paranoid.” sneered Sandalphon. “What do I care about some little angel. She was just transferred. That happens.”

Not in Heaven, thought Gabriel, and not so randomly. He felt like crying. Sandalphon pulled one over him once again. He knew he really shouldn’t turn his back on him, but he didn’t want to look at his smug face any longer. He curled up in the bed.

“Come on, Gabby, you seemed getting better these last few days, I thought we might go for a walk, to stretch your legs. We could even go flying. You can’t keep yourself locked in there all the time.” 

“I don’t want to.” muttered Gabriel. He didn’t mention that it was Sandalphon who kept him here.

“It will be good for you.” assured him Sandalphon. “We are going. So the other angels don’t think you are dead or worse, fallen. I’ll just tell Haniel not to expect me back in the office today and once I get back I want to see you dressed and ready.” there was a hint of threat in his voice.

Gabriel stayed frozen on the bed for a while after Sandalphon left. He wanted to defy him so much. He didn’t want to be paraded around Heaven by Sandalphon like some kind of domesticated bird. But it wasn’t really worth the beating he would get. Sluggishly he got up and opened the wardrobe. He stared at the diminished row of clothes numbly. There wasn’t an article of clothing he chose for himself in sight. Sandalphon had long since made sure all Gabriel’s clothes were thrown out or suffered some kind of unfortunate accident. The wardrobe was populated by Sandalphon’s gifts. Gabriel took one bright blue jacket. The lapels and sleeves were lined with one thick red stripe. Like a schoolboy uniform. He sighed and turned around, still holding it.

Sudden roar stopped him. The roar was coming out of his own being and it was the roar of fury. He hated the jacket. He hated all the clothes in the wardrobe. He hated the whole apartment that screamed Sandalphon in its every aspect. He hated that he took over his life so completely. He hated himself and above all that he hated Sandalphon. His hands clenched and before he knew it, the jacket was ripped in half. It was immensely satisfying. He dropped the ruined jacket on the floor and turned back to the wardrobe. The trouser, completely different cut, that should accompany it, met the same fate. Gabriel grinned like a madman and tore into the rest of the clothes, destroying the suits and scratchy shirts, garish ties and shoes. Even the shirt and slacks he was wearing were from Sandalphon. He tore them from his body and shredded them too. He spared nothing, even Sandalphon’s half of the wardrobe. He destroyed that with particular relish, imagining the clothes were still on Sandalphon when he destroyed them. By the time all of it lay in rags, he was breathing hard and he was covered in sweat. He never had a fever. If he had, it would explain why his body felt so hot all of the sudden. Destroying the clothes brought him some relief, but it wasn’t enough. Looking around his prison another wave of fury hit him. He grabbed the chair and threw it against the wall. He broke off the legs from the table by his bare hands. He overturned the dresser, swept the decorative items off the shelves, ripped the sheets on the bed.

“What are you doing!!”

And there he stood, his tormentor, the one thing he wanted to destroy, to eradicate, to make disappear most of all. His vision narrowed around the edges and he saw red. Gabriel slammed Sandalphon into the wall with strength he didn’t really knew he possessed. He always had it, of course, but the fear prevented him from using it, made him believe that he was weak. But now started battering Sandalphon with his fists with such a fury the other angel could barely raise his hands to shield his face. They were both screaming, but Gabriel didn’t really hear any words. His ears were filled with high pitched noise.

So focused he was on Sandalphon that he noticed presence of the others only when they were tackling him to the ground. Gabriel tried to shake them off, tried to throw himself on Sandalphon again, but they pulled his hands behind his back and someone sat on him to keep him from escaping. He screamed at them until they put a cloth over his mouth and made him inhale. His fury slowly left him, his muscles relaxed. He stopped moving and slowly closed his eyes.

  
  
  
  


When he woke up, short thick fingers were running through his hair. It was dark and Gabriel realized it was because his eyes were closed. But he couldn’t summon energy to even open them, let alone move the rest of his body.

“You should let them take him.” said Uriel’s voice.

“Please, no.” Sandalphon sounded miserable. “It was mistake to leave Gabriel alone. I won’t do it again.”

“He is dangerous. To you, to others and to himself.” said another voice, Phanuel. “Until we decide how to proceed he will be safer in confinement.”

“I can’t abandon Gabriel like this.” cried Sandalphon, his hand in Gabriel’s hair stilling.

“I know, Sandalphon, I know. But if no-one was nearby, he could have discorporated.” sadi Uriel. “He was like a mindless beast and he hurt you.”

“He didn’t mean to. Gabriel is just sick. I can’t just toss him away like a broken sword.”

Phanuel’s voice was dismissive. “You let your feeling for him blind you. I still say wiping his mind to clean slate is the best course of action.”

“Uriel, no.” It was clear that Sandalphon turned his pleading to them.

Uriel sighed heavily. “Nothing will be decided until Michael comes back.”

“Michael?! You recalled Michael?”

“Of course I recalled Michael! I think this situation fucking warrants recalling her.” The situation had to be dire indeed if Uriel resorted to swearing.

“Alright.” Sandalphon was so close Gabriel could hear hims swallow thickly. “But until then don’t take Gabriel away. I can take care of him. Nothing will happen. To anyone. I swear.”

“Alright.” Phanuel gave in. “But it will be on your head.”

They kept him drugged. Something to keep him calm and compliant, they said. Gabriel suspected that Sandalphon maybe overdosed him because he was so calm he couldn’t even get out of bed. His body was sluggish and his movement uncoordinated. Sandalphon never really left now, dressing him in simple white robe because he destroyed all his clothes and didn’t deserve anything nice, pretenting that he was taking care of him. Time passed in a haze and reality was blurred. 

It came into focus a while later, whether only hours or passed, Gabriel wasn’t sure. Sandalphon joined him in bed. He slowly took his numbed body and turned him to lie on his front. His hand sneaked up his thigh.

“What are you doing?” mumbled Gabriel.

“Shh.” Sandalphon whispered to his ear. “I am going to make you better, Gabriel. I promise.” He rolled his loose robe to his back, his hand running over his ass and Gabriel felt sudden spike of fear.

“Please, don’t.”

Sandalphon’s hand started to knead his ass. Gabriel squirmed and tried to move away. In his weakened state he had no chance. Sandalphon straddled his thighs and put one of his hand on his back, pushing him in effort to keep him down. He was already hard and his cock slapped against Gabriel sobscenely.

“You are going to be fine, Gabby. You are going to be mine, fully mine. Then you will get better.”

A finger prodded at his asshole. Gabriel felt a cold sensation spread inside him, pulling him apart, burning his insides in a cold fire. Sandalphon leaned forward, kissing the back of his neck. “You don’t need to do anything, Gabby. Just lie back and enjoy this.”

Then he felt something much larger rubbing at his entrance and pushing into him. Sandalphon wasn’t gentle. He buried himself in his ass with one quick thrust and Gabriel cried out. God, it hurt. The tears spilled in his eyes.

“Here,” Sandalphon bucked his hips forward. “I knew that if I wait, we will become one eventually.”

Gabriel buried his face in the sheets of the bed, trying to bite on the mattress to muffle his cries. This was how hellfire must feel, he was convinced, as Sandalphon kept pushing deep into him as if he was trying to crawl into him with his entire corporation, not just his cock. 

Gabriel tried to struggle but it only made the whole thing more painful and Sandalphon struck him in the head that he saw stars. He stopped himself from making any moves, letting Sandalphon manhandle him as he wished. Sandalphon kept muttering sweet nothings above him. “You are exquisite, Gabriel. I wanted you for so long, and now you are mine. And I promise, no-one will ever take you away. Not Phanuel, not Michael, and definitely not God.” Gabriel wished he could squeeze his ears shut just like his eyes, he wished not to hear Sandalphon’s voice, his pleased groans, the terrible slapping of his lap against his ass. 

Gabriel cried. He shook from humiliation and pain. He prayed for it to end. When Sandalphon finally came inside him with a primal grunt, Gabriel felt he just might pass out. Sandalphon pulled out and patted him on an ass lightly. “That wasn’t so bad, was it? Really don’t know why you insisted we wait.”

Gabriel sobbed. Sandalphon pulled his robe back down over his ass and his legs and lay down next to him, petting his hair. He wiped his tears with his hand and kissed his forehead. “I know, I know. It was really intense for a first time.” He took Gabriel into his arms spooning him. ”But I promise, it will be better next time.”

Gabriel only sobbed harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can somebody kill Sandalphon already? Please?


	8. on edge

Hidden under the pillow, Gabriel clutched his dagger. Sandalphon shuffled around their rooms. Tonight he would do it, Gabriel swore to himself. If Sandalphon tried to rape him once again, Gabriel would defend himself. Adrenalin spiked in his body just thinking about it. He knew that weakened as he was, he would have only one shot at it. He regained some of his strength over the days that followed his breakdown, but he pretended to be still dazed and unmoving on the bed, so Sandalphon thought he didn’t need to administer him sedatives as often. Or maybe his corporation was becoming resistant to them. Why didn’t matter. The most important thing was, Gabriel was now in control of his limbs and his mind. 

But he wasn’t strong enough to defeat Sandalphon in a fair fight. His body swayed whenever he tried to get up, his legs wobbled and his vision was blurred. No, he would have to be quick, strike Sandalphon when he didn’t expect it and then get out of Heaven. How exactly Gabriel would get out was a detail he was still a bit fuzzy about. But he was absolutely certain that he had to. He couldn’t stay there any longer or he would become Sandalphon’s toy forever. No-one would help him here. Other angels would never even consider the possibility of Sandalphon being a villain and a rapist. He was an archangel after all. And if he really acted like this, the Almighty would stop him. Except the Almighty did nothing. So that either meant that Sandalphon did nothing wrong in Her eyes or She wanted Gabriel to suffer. Gabriel didn’t care too much about what option was the correct one. He was consumed by fear and at this point, he would rather fall than spend eternity with Sandalphon. And killing a fellow angel might damn him anyway.

Getting the dagger was a stroke of pure luck. Sandalphon had already removed all the weapons that adorned the walls, much to the displeasure he didn’t hesitate to show to Gabriel. And Gabriel had demolished most of the bedroom, but not all of it and most of it got miracled back anyway. So when Sandalphon stepped away for one blessed moment, Gabriel took advantage and went through the various drawers on his swaying feet. He desperately tried to find something to use for defense. He would be happy with any blunt object with which he could bash Sandalphon over the head.

He found the dagger covered in a plain cloth in a wooden box on the bottom drawer in the living room, which survived Gabriel’s rage. Gabriel immediately understood why Sandalphon kept it close. It was Gabriel’s own dagger, the one containing his essence he had given to Sandalphon as a gift and a sign of his love and devotion after their first argument. Sandalphon must have kept it as a symbol, probably of Gabriel’s submission or something like that. Thinking about it, about how foolish and clueless he was back then, about how Sandalphon was mocking him by keeping the dagger close, made him angry. He would be able to stab Sandalphon right on the spot if he was there. Luckily a calmer part of him prevailed and by the time Sandalphon returned, Gabriel was back in bed, dagger hidden out of sight and Gabriel was biding his time. There was another reason why Gabriel needed to strike soon; surely Sandalphon would notice the dagger missing sooner or later.

Sandalphon wasn’t in any hurry to molest him today and Gabriel was nearly drifting off when he finally got into the bed with him. He ran one of his hands over the small of his back. “How are you? Are you feeling a little bit better?”

“T’red.” mumbled Gabriel into the pillow, clenching his fingers around the dagger. He hoped Sandalphon wouldn’t notice he was overplaying his exhaustion; Gabriel was well aware he was a poor actor.

“Poor Gabby. You seem tense. Let me make you feel better.” Sandalphon started to knead the muscles at his back. It didn’t feel relaxing at all, and it didn’t make him feel better, just more anxious, but Gabriel made himself relax nonetheless. “Good. You be a good angel for me and maybe Uriel will change their mind about sending you back to the factory.”

Gabriel swallowed. In an obvious attempt to prevent him from misbehaving, Sandalphon threatened him with mindwipe fairly often. It worked because the threat was sadly very real. And Gabriel was terrified of that. Few angels had to be wiped over the millennia, most of them after the War and they were...different. As if their previous self was dead and a stranger occupied their body. Honestly, Gabriel was convinced that true death was preferable to mindwipe. 

After a short amount of fondling, Sandalphon’s hand traveled down his body. Gabriel braced himself and slowly turned around, trying to move his hand unnoticeably under the pillow. He would be able to swing faster if he was facing Sandalphon rather than if he had to turn around at the last moment.

Sandalphon frowned at the display of Gabriel’s bodily autonomy but Gabriel spread his legs quickly and Sandalphon’s frown turned into a smirk. He touched Gabriel’s effort as if weighting it. “I knew you will learn to like it,” he said triumphantly.

Sandalphon moved to kneel between Gabriel's legs, running his hands over his thighs slowly. It seemed that now that he had Gabriel’s compliance, he was in the mood for a little romantic foreplay. Gabriel breathed hard and tried not to feel the places Sandalphon started touching, the ones Gabriel didn’t want to be touched. He flexed his fingers around the weapon, trying to calm his racing heart. His mind screamed on him to wait until Sandalphon was distracted, not watching what Gabriel’s upper half was doing. His body screamed the opposite, urging him to smite the invader at once.

Finally, finally, Sandalphon looked down. Gabriel’s body was shaking with tension. He shifted into a sitting position, bringing the dagger up and aiming for Sandalphon’s head, wanting so much to stick it into his smug eye and drive it deep inside his brain. He almost got it. But in the last millisecond Sandalphon looked up, alarmed by Gabriel’s sudden movement and, eyes wide, jerked to the side. The dagger connected with the side of Sandalphon’s head just a tiny bit left of his eye, dag into his flesh and scraped around his skull, leaving behind a wide gash from which golden ichor started flowing. But in no way imaginable was it mortal or even debilitating.

The time stopped for a moment. Gabriel froze, his heart stilling in his chest. He had failed. He had one chance and he botched it. But it appeared that maybe he would have time for another try. Sandalphon screamed and his hand flew to his face to press against his bleeding wound. Gabriel pulled his hand back and brought it down again, aiming for Sandalphon’s heart this time. Sandalphon reacted faster this time. His hand squeezed around his wrist.

“Fuck, what are you doing!?” Sandalphon screamed. “Stop it, Gabriel.”

Gabriel snarled and tried to free himself out of Sandalphon’s steely grip. The two of them grappled for the dagger, pulling and pushing. Then pain exploded in his abdomen. It was no ordinary blade. This one was celestial, forged with Gabriel’s own essence, capable of destroying just about anything and certainly capable of injuring and even killing an angel. It slid easily through his flesh and struck his celestial from. It felt cold as ice and something primal writhed inside his corporation as he screamed. Sandalphon pulled the dagger out of his stomach and golden ichor followed in large amounts, rapidly staining his robe. 

“Fuck, look what you made me do!” screamed Sandalphon, throwing the dagger away. “What did you think you were doing, you little moron!?”

Gabriel barely heard him. He felt that under the crushing punch of the supernatural blade his soul was on the very edge of disintegrating, his own essence spilling out of him in the shape of golden ichor. His corporation spasmed on the bed and Gabriel keened. He didn’t want to go and clung to existence by his fingernails.

“What am I supposed to do with you, hmmm?”

Sandalphon left and for a moment Gabriel thought he left him for good, that he would truly leave him to cease to exist, but in a short time he returned with Uriel and several other angels in tow. While the angels attended to Gabriel, pressing against his wound and using their best miracles to stem the bleeding, Uriel rounded on Sandalphon.

“How did this happen?!”

“He threatened to hurt himself. I tried to take the dagger away from him.” lied Sandalphon frantically.

“How did he get a weapon in the first place? I thought you took them all to the armory so precisely this couldn’t happen.” Uriel looked very angry. They picked the offending blade from the floor where Sandalphon tossed it. “It’s Gabriel’s dagger.”

Sandalphon lowered his head. “Gabriel gave it to me. When things were still alright. I just couldn’t get rid of it. It’s...It’s a reminder that deep down he loved me.”

“Fool.”

Things got blurry for Gabriel after that. He got transported to the infirmary where he got stuffed full of medicines and healing miracles, sewed back together and put to sleep.

  
  


When he became lucid again, he woke to bright lights and Uriel sitting by his bedside, holding his hand awkwardly. The awkward part came from the fact that he seemed to be tied down to the bed. Uriel themselves looked tired, with eyes puffy and dark rings under their eyes.

“What? Why-”

“Gabriel, don’t try to struggle,” Uriel warned him. “And don’t move! You’ll start bleeding again.”

“Why am I tied down?” cried Gabriel. “Let me go.”

“It’s for your own good,” Uriel informed him. “So you don’t try to hurt yourself.”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt myself.” hissed Gabriel through the gritted teeth.

“Then what were you trying to do?” Uriel audibly tried to sound calm and collected, but slight shake to their voice betrayed them.

“I was trying to hurt Sandalphon.” 

“Hurt San…. You really are out of your mind. Why would you do that? You seriously injured him. He might lose his eye. Forever.”

A grim satisfaction settled over Gabriel. “Good.”

“Good? Are you even listening to yourself? Just a few short months ago you were head over heels in love with him and now you want to hurt him?”

Anger filled Gabriel’s whole being. Uriel still didn’t get it. Uriel refused to get it. They just didn’t see the despair Sandalphon had driven him to. “No. I was trying to kill him. And you want to know why? Because he made my life hell. And if I don’t kill him, I will never get rid of him. He’ll just make me into his puppet and he’ll destroy me once I’ll be too boring to play with.”

One single tear rolled down Uriel’s face. “I am sorry, Gabriel. Truly sorry.” Gabriel’s heart lurched. Maybe Uriel finally understood, maybe they would see Gabriel was truly scared, that he was left with no choice. Hope seared inside him only to be immediately squashed. “I am sorry I didn’t see you were getting worse. I am sorry I did nothing to help you. I am sorry for what we have to do.”

Cold dread traveled up Gabriel’s spine. “Uriel, no!”

“Once the Cradle is ready, your memories will be erased and you will start anew.”

“No, please. Uriel. I’ll be good. Just get me away from Sandalphon. Please.”

“Shh.” Uriel ran their hand through his hair and kissed his forehead gently, openly crying. “I know it’s scary. But it won’t hurt and everything will be fine again.”

“Uriel, please, don’t do it. It won’t be me anymore!”

“This isn’t you anymore,” said Uriel, turning to leave.

“Uriel, please…” Gabriel slumped on the bed. “If you do it,” Uriel stopped and looked at him pityingly, “please, don’t give me back to Sandalphon. Please. Promise at least this for me. As my last dying wish.”

Uriel sighed. “I promise.”

But Gabriel didn’t believe them. He screamed after them as they left, begging for an oath and for them not to leave, and not to wipe his memory at all, until his voice was hoarse. And he trashed on the bed and tried to get out of his restraints so hard his wrists were raw until they came to sedate him and darkness overtook him.

  
  
  
  


“Shhh,” a low voice woke him. “Gabriel, wake up.”

“What _—_ ” a hand landed on his mouth. Gabriel opened his eyes and stared at Sandalphon’s face. His left side, including his eye, was bandaged. 

“Be quiet.” he shushed him. Gabriel wanted to scream but Sandalphon’s hand was firm, pressing against his mouth. “I am here to get you out.”

“Hhh?” 

“Gabby, love. You don’t really think I would just let them erase you. Erase our love. I won’t let them take you away.”

“Ngg.”

There was a gleam in Sandalphon’s remaining uncovered eye. “I have a plan. We will go to Earth. We’ll find a little remote place where nobody will find us. It’ll be just two of us. But you have to stay really quiet, alright. Will you stay quiet?”

“Ehm.” Gabriel blinked in agreement. He had no intention to go anywhere with Sandalphon, but maybe, and that was a little maybe, he would be able to get away. Because if Sandalphon wanted to take him somewhere he will first have to untie him. Gabriel would just have to bid his time. And do it better than when he decided to stab him.

Sandalphon untied him and helped him stand, supporting him under his shoulder. “How will we get out of here? They will stop us.” Gabriel asked.

“Don’t be an idiot, Gabby, I made some preparations. It’s night and I made sure there are no guards at the back gate.”

Slowly, Gabriel leaning heavily on Sandalphon's shoulder, they left the room. There were several prone figures lying on the ground in the next room and Gabriel gasped, fearing that Sandalphon hurt others just to get to him.

“Don’t worry. They are just sleeping.” Sandalphon assured him and slowly maneuvered him out of the infirmary. The path was clear, the corridors of Heaven suspiciously empty even for this time of the night.

They boarded an elevator that would take them to the less used entrance to and out of Heaven, the once they used to visit the Earth when they didn’t want the rest of the Host to know; sending agents that were supposed to do work that was less than clean. Using it was also less comfortable. The angel had to actually fly rather than descend comfortably on the escalator. Maybe it would be an opportunity to get away from Sandalphon. But the pain in his side reminded him that he probably wouldn’t be able to outfly him in this condition. He needed to get rid of him for long enough that Sandalphon wouldn’t be able to even tell where he was going.

The elevator stopped and opened. Slowly they shuffled out. Just on the threshold, Gabriel slipped out of Sandalphon’s embrace. He lifted his hand and hit him with his elbow to the side of his head, the one he had bandaged. Sandalphon made a little huff, swayed and fell on his ass back into the elevator with a little push from Gabriel, staring back at him dazedly.

Gabriel made a rapid step outside and ignored the burning pain in his side. He hit the elevator button with a little more force than needed. The doors started closing slowly and Gabriel urged them to go faster. Sandalphon regained his wits at the last moment and lunged forward. It was too late. Before he could stick his hand into the gap the door closed to his face and the cabin started descending. The last glace Gabriel had of him was an angry snarl on his face.

Gabriel sighed in relief and walked away as quickly as he could. He knew he didn’t have much time. It won’t take long for Sandalphon to miracle the elevator back up, or if he really needed, to give up on his whole scheme to kidnap Gabriel and alert the guards, just to prevent him escaping.

Gabriel went as fast as he could, leaning on the wall with his hand. He felt blood flowing out of his reopened side but he had no time to stop and check it. He just had to hope not to bleed out before he got to safety. It was only two short corridors to the gate but to Gabriel, it seemed an eternity. Finally, he arrived and started opening the gate, just a little door that led to nothingness.

“Stop!”

Gabriel risked a glance back. A figure was running to him, and there was no more time to open the gate fully. But there was enough of the gap for him to squeeze through. He did so just when an angelic hand started to reach for his robe. It slipped through the other angel’s fingers and Gabriel jumped. Now he was falling.

A strong wind blew him through the air like a helpless leaf and it took Gabriel several long moments before he realized he should manifest his wings. They unfurled with a slap. His wings stung from misuse and neglect and Gabriel had a hard time leveling his flight so the wind didn’t carry him where it wanted. His wings hurt and spasmed with every movement he made.

Gabriel knew he needed to go where the angels wouldn’t just pick him up easily again just like the last time. He had two options. And asking for help from Hell was laughable. So that only left one. He just had to hope that Aziraphale would take pity on him. Maybe if he grovelled a lot? Maybe Aziraphale would just breathe hellfire on him. If that turned out to be the case, Gabriel just hoped his end would be quick.

But first, he had to get there. Gabriel felt his little remaining strength diminishing rapidly. He beat his wings hard, letting his angelic sense of direction lead him. He kept turning back, but no-one seemed to have been following.

Finally, the clouds parted and he saw a huge city under him. He honed on Aziraphale’s bookshop and descended. His energy was at the end of his rope, if he had to fly just one hundred meters more he would probably fall from the sky. His wings were so exhausted he could move them just by the power of his will and he barely managed to level his flight as not to hit the roof of Aziraphale’s adobe head first. He still landed, if you could call it landing, with more speed and force than advised. He crashed to the glass dome on the roof. The glass and the construction gave in and he plummeted inside.


	9. interlude: sandalphon

Sandalphon was convinced that he was a perfectly ordinary angel before Sodom and Gomorrah. Ambitious, yes, not content to remain just one of many anonymous principalities. Not that ambition was exactly usual in angels. The ones who showed such a characteristic were usually in the ranks of the Fallen. Most other angels accepted their pre-ordained role in the Great Plan and didn’t complain or question. But Sandalphon’s ambition wasn’t harmful. He only wanted to better himself in the service of the Almighty to the best of his abilities and they were far beyond that of a mere principality. And who really could fault him for that? His loyalty, willingness to volunteer for any task, his strict following of the Gods commands soon made him noticed and he found himself climbing the ranks of Heaven Hierarchy. He was the angel to send when some unpleasant but necessary task had to be performed, one that would make other angels flinch.

One day he was sent to destroy the two cities that abandoned God so fully that only one family was worthy of salvation. That humans would turn their back on their creator and Her love so readily made him angry. He was supposed to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah cleanly and quickly, just some sudden divine fireball, but what was the punishment for humans in that? The plain old-fashioned smiting was too good for them. Soon he found himself playing with the puny humans. The raining fire barely missed this one or that one as they ran through the streets trying to find safety, narrow escapes giving them hope that the God held a protective hand over them, only to be struck just as the gates were within their reach. He used inventive ways to kill the men and made little children perish first while their mothers screamed and pleaded mercy for their damned offspring. And pleasure sang in his soul and he enjoyed it. He expected high praise when he got back to Heaven, but the Almighty wasn’t exactly happy with his performance. It confused Sandalphon.

YOU MADE THE HUMANS SUFFER

“You ordered me to,” said Sandalphon, frowning when he stood in front of the bright column of light the Almighty chose to present as, this time. The adrenalin still coursed through the veins of his corporation. “I only did as you asked.”

God didn’t sigh. She didn’t have any body with which to sigh. Something like this still echoed through the space they occupied.

I KNOW THIS. I SAW THIS. I HOPED FOR DIFFERENT RESULT. YOU ENJOYED THIS.

“Of course. I enjoy carrying your orders.”

YOU ENJOYED CAUSING SUFFERING. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT FROM MY ANGELS.

Sandalphon still didn’t fully understand what he did wrong but he recognized that it was something to displease his creator. He fell to his knees and bowed his head. “Please, forgive me.”

There was another echo.

AS YOU DID AS I ASKED, YOU WILL NOT BE PUNISHED. BUT TAKE CARE TO RESTRAIN YOURSELF TO SHOWING ANY OF YOUR NEW TASTES TO MY CREATIONS. YOU KNOW WHERE THOSE WHO LOVE CRUELTY DWELL.

Sandalphon understood now. He was to be the Almighty’s assassin, the destroyer. It was alright if he did it for Her. But doing anything for his pleasure was forbidden. He wasn’t supposed to seek it. If he did, She would make him fall

For the next thousand years, Sandalphon kept his head low and did as he was told, but that that didn’t really make his want to go away. And what he wanted to do was cause pain. It was wrong, he knew it. But surely lesser creatures, the sinner and demons, they deserved pain. Who could blame him if he was a little too quick to cast down a sinner or a little too eager to hack a demon apart? He toed the line and the Almighty never brought his behaviour up again.

Then Raphael left. On an assignment. Which turned into a long term mission. After a while excuses ran a little thin and it was apparent he wasn’t just coming back. There was a free spot among the archangels and Sandalphon was the prime candidate. Gabriel outright liked him, Uriel found him capable and even demanding Michael respected his skills. Just the Almighty had to approve.

MY ARCHANGELS DESIRE YOU AMONG YOURSELF. YOU HAVE SERVED WELL.

“Thank you, Lord.”

“I HAVE SEEN THE WAY YOU WATCH GABRIEL.”

Sandalphon didn’t see what was wrong with that. He liked Gabriel. He would even claim to love him. And relationships among angels weren’t forbidden. There were plenty of couples in Heaven. “I like him.”

MY POOR CHILD. YOU ARE NOT SUITED TO EACH OTHER.

“What does it mean.”

DO NOT TRY TO PURSUE HIM. IT WOULD END BADLY. I DO NOT WISH TO SEE GABRIEL HURT.

Anger and jealousy battled inside Sandalphon. What about me?! I am also your faithfull. Do you wish to see me hurt? Maybe God saw his thoughts if she chose so. But as long as Sandalphon kept quiet they could continue with the fiction that he was a mindless and obedient soldier. But the unfairness of it almost made him choke. After Lucifer’s fall, it was clear as a day that Gabriel was the Almighty’s favorite, even above Michael who was the most capable of angels. Gabriel got away with things for which others were harshly reprimanded.

But as always Sandalphon abided by the Almighty’s wishes and resigned himself to watching Gabriel from afar, just happy that Gabriel accepted his friendship. He couldn’t get closer to him even without Almighty’s orders.

Michael kept watching him. Sandalphon believed it was because the two of them were the same, the warriors of God, willing to do everything to destroy their enemies. Michael enjoyed causing pain just as he did and she saw that. And she was unusually protective of Gabriel. Even during the War when the power of the archangel was desperately needed, she kept him in a safe distance, running messages and throwing lightning bolts at the rebels, keeping him sheltered and untouched. If Gabriel was the one sent to destroy Sodom, he would boast about it beforehand and then he would break down crying the moment he would have to bring down the first fireball.

This was probably what attracted Sandalphon to Gabriel. He was handsome and powerful, but he didn’t know how to use it to its full potential. He was big and brash on the surface but inside Gabriel was weak and innocent. He needed to be coddled and Sandalphon wanted to be the one to do it.

But protecting Gabriel was Michael’s self-assigned job and Sandalphon was starting to suspect she wanted him for herself, but she had gotten the same warning from the Almighty as he did.

The armageddon changed everything. Heaven was in disarray and Michael was gone. It was easy to suggest to Gabriel that Michael was the one sent to deal with their unused and quite dangerous arsenal. She agreed readily. After two thousand years of Sandalphon doing nothing suspicious towards Gabriel, even she had relaxed. And Sandalphon knew that after Michael didn’t get to fight during the Armageddon she had to get her digs somewhere else.

Michael gone created a perfect opportunity for Sandalphon. He knew that once she returns he and Gabriel will be long since the established couple and when she would see how happy they are together, she won’t be able to say any word in protest.

Except it went all horribly wrong. Gabriel turned out to be even weaker and whinier than Sandalphon knew, incapable of taking care of himself but wholly ungrateful for everything Sandalphon did for him. He just didn’t know what was good for him. Sandalphon had tried but keeping Gabriel grounded was impossible and now he had escaped, Uriel was furious and Michael was on her way. And she was going to kill Sandalphon when she found out that her precious Gabe was missing. He had to find him. To make him see what mistake he did. He would even forgive him for the eye he irreparably took. After Gabriel groveled a bit. But Uriel stood in the way of that.

They actually had him confined. Like some kind of demon captured for interrogation. And they were pacing around the room restlessly and kept repeating the same question.

“What the hell were you doing?!”

What Sandalphon had been thinking was that he was taking Gabriel somewhere they could be happy without constant interference and unwanted opinions of nosy angels. First Sariel, and now Uriel. If only Gabriel behaved himself as he should have.

But Sandalphon lowered his head with remorse. “I just couldn’t let you take Gabriel away. It wouldn’t be Gabriel anymore? I thought if I could take him away, somewhere where he wouldn’t be exposed to the constant stress and pressure, maybe I would be able to save him.”

“Sandalphon, you saw first hand that it couldn’t continue like this. We gave him time on your insistence even after what you told us, how he is paranoid and imagines things and talks to himself.”

“I know. I just...I couldn’t stand Gabriel forgetting me. I waited so long for him to notice me. What if he woke up and wanted nothing to do with me.”

Uriel’s face softened. They put their hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “I am sure that wouldn’t happen. Gabriel would see that you love him whatever he would remember you or not.”

“You can’t guarantee that. You know what happened to angels that had to go to the Cradle and be remade. They walk around like empty corporations.”

“Not all of them. And Gabriel is strong.” Sandalphon suppressed a snort at that. Gabriel was anything but. “He will pull through. And I thought you love him. Do you want to see Gabriel suffering like this? Or do you want to have him healthy and the whole even at the price that he won’t love you anymore?”

Sandalphon couldn’t tell Uriel that he immensely preferred the first option. He would rather have Gabriel. But Uriel wouldn’t understand. They were a cold bitch who never wanted anything or anyone the way Sandalphon craved Gabriel.

“Just let me look for him. He is alone on Earth, he can’t use miracles, demons could get him.” If it didn’t pose a danger that Sandalphon would never see Gabriel again, he might even welcome this happening. At least it would make Gabriel realize what a bloody fool he was and he would jump back into Sandalphon’s arms out of sheer relief.

“There is no need. I already sent Kushiel and Zachariel to retrieve him.”

“You know where he is?” That was quick. When Gabriel left the first time it took some hours to find him and back then he used the escalator so they had some idea where on Earth he emerged.

Uriel curled their lip. “He is with the traitor Aziraphale. He tripped the ward.”

Sandalphon frowned. He wasn’t aware of any wards placed around the traitor. He was to be left alone as he wished. He said so to Uriel.

“I thought he and the demon weren’t monitored.”

“Not two of them. The ward was placed to alert us if someone tried to disturb them. Someone acting on their own free will.”

Gabriel was with the traitor. That was not good news. Sandalphon greatly disliked the principality. Of course, Gabriel used to be a great fan of his, gushing about him all the time. Sandalphon made a great effort to poison Gabriel against the earthside agent. Wasn’t it disgusting how he constantly ate? And how he hoarded things. And used miracles to warm his cocoa, didn’t he have a divine purpose to do? He was able to drive the wedge between the two and Aziraphale nailed the last nail into the coffin by turning traitor. So really, Sandalphon was right about him all along.

“Aziraphale can breathe hellfire! Kushiel and Zachariel won’t be able to face him if he decides to rather keep Gabriel prisoner.”

“I think Aziraphale can be reasoned with. I don’t think he has any desire to associate with anyone from Heaven, least of all Gabriel. And we have to hope that he had enough angelic mercy in him left that when he sees how ill Gabriel is and he will let us take him to get help.”

“Or he might decide to take revenge.”

“He is not cruel.”

“Everything we knew about Aziraphale was a lie. Please, Uriel, let me out. I have to go to Gabriel.”

“That’s not a good idea.” Uriel refused. “You are too close to Gabriel, your love blinds you. You have to let us handle it.”

Sandalphon saw that Uriel won’t back down. But he was one more truck up to his sleeve. “I want to speak to the Metatron. The Almighty wouldn’t be so cruel as to deny it.”

For a being who was almost as frequently absent from the daily lives of angels as the Almighty Herself, the Metatron made a good time in appearing. He even came himself, not as a projection of a floating head. But then again the Metatron had to fear that Sandalphon starts revealing his secret.

After the Armageddon, when everyone was running around like a headless Nephilim, and the archangel begged daily for any instruction from the Almighty only to be met with empty platitudes, Sandalphon had actually gone looking. And he discovered that God had been gone for a long time. And for the last thousand years the orders everyone thought had come from Her, actually came from the Metatron.

It was a huge problem. The universe worked because of fear. Fear of the Almighty. Angels remained obedient because they feared Falling. Demons remained cooped up in Hell because they feared She would do something even worse than she already did. Even stars kept to their orbits out of fear of her.

So Sandalphon understood the Metatron motives. If it became known that the Almighty has...left?...demons wouldn’t hesitate to attack Heaven directly. And angels would do whatever they wanted.

Sandalphon should be terrified of the knowledge that the Universe was no longer watched over. But instead, he was relieved. Finally, he was not constantly monitored. He could do as he wished. Even he was ruled by the fear of Her and that fear was now gone with Her.

But other Archangels would be understandably furious that they were following orders from the angel whose only authority came from the fact that they relayed the word of the Almighty. If the Metatron informed them from the beginning...but no, the Metatron enjoyed the power that came with the fact he was now in charge. He didn’t want others to know. He begged Sandalphon not to tell and well, there was only one thing he wanted. Just not to say anything when Sandalphon started courting Gabriel. Make it even look that the Almighty endorsed their union.

Now he was visibly nervous. If Sandalphon decided to tell Uriel about his deception and Uriel decided to smite him for it...well, he was just the Voice of God, not the Sword.

“Terrible things that are happening.” muttered the Metatron. “It’s almost like it isn’t the same old Heaven.” He cast a guilty look in Sandalphon’s direction. There was a moment when Gabriel complained to him that Sandalphon hurt him - as if he hadn’t got any blame in it - that the Metatron got discomforted with their arrangement. He knew She wouldn’t be happy with the relationship. But Sandalphon was able to mollify him. He convinced the Metatron that Gabriel merely exaggerated it and he was ill anyway. It was easier for the Metatron to believe that and so he did.

“Any word from the Almighty? Can She help?” asked Uriel hopefully. They always asked hopefully. Everyone always asked hopefully.

“She is currently occupied at the Great Attractor. But She wholly approves of your plan and she is fully confident that you will manage to solve this unpleasantness without her intervention.” Uriel nodded unhappily. Everyone always accepted unhappily that their mother chose not to involve Herself. No-one suspected that the Metatron might be lying just like no-one believed that Sandalphon would ever hurt Gabriel.

“I want to petition the Lord to be released.” Sandalphon addressed the Metatron and gave him a look full of meaning that flew over Uriel’s head. “We have to bring Gabriel back as soon as possible and Kushiel and Zachariel are not up to facing the traitorous principality.”

“He let Gabriel go in the first place,” argued Uriel. “I don’t doubt Sandalphon’s intentions and his worry over Gabriel, but what if he lets his emotion win over his common sense again?”

“I made a mistake. I know it,” said Sandalphon. “Please let me fix it.”

The Metatron frowned and he kept shifting his gaze between Uriel and Sandalphon.

“There is enough unrest in Heaven as it is. You can’t keep me locked here and Gabriel in the hands of a traitor and a demon. There will be a revolt.” Sandalphon knew he was laying it a bit thick but the Metatron seemed to be dithering and every second wasted meant that Gabriel spent more time in the hands of the principality, telling him not even the absent God knows what.

The Voice of God got his hidden meaning. He now looked straight at him with unblinking eyes. “Archangel Sandalphon, the Almighty understands your suffering. She too loves Gabriel and fears for him. She trusts there will be no other misstep and you will bring him back to Her warm embrace so others can relieve his troubled soul.”

Uriel was opening their mouth in protest but the Metatron turned to them and said just as formally. “Release him. He is repentant of his mistake and will undo it.”

Uriel had no choice in the face of direct, albeit fake, order. Unwillingly she let Sandalphon go.

Sandalphon nodded to the Metatron as he left. The other angel avoided his eyes. No matter, Sandalphon didn’t really care what the Metatron thought. He had only one thing on his mind. Now the way to Gabriel was open and he had to get to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bookshop chapters are taking ages to get written, and this part actually kept intruding to come, so here it is.


	10. unwelcome

Gabriel barely noticed the bookshop expanding around him, the overflowing bookshelves slowly backing away as his wings still beat agitatedly from time to time and knocked even more books from their places. Not that Gabriel paid it any mind. His blurred sight was fully focused on Aziraphale. Seeking the renegade angel’s aid was a snap of the moment decision and Gabriel was now deadly afraid.

It was dawning on him that Aziraphale had no reason to help him. The opposite was in fact true. Gabriel tried to kill him. And he wasn’t exactly nice to him before that fateful day the Armageddon failed. Thousands of hidden insults and put-downs from Sandalphon made him realize how he treated Aziraphale for centuries before the Apocalypse, how he constantly questioned his competence and mocked his achievements. And now he invaded his home uninvited and Aziraphale didn’t look happy to see him. How a few months of similar treatment changed his perspective. If Aziraphale now used his ability to breathe hellfire on him Gabriel would probably deserve it. He would welcome it, really. Anything was preferable to going back to being Sandalphon’s toy.

But Aziraphale did nothing like that. He gently lifted last of the fallen books off Gabriel and carefully set it aside. Then he kneeled next to Gabriel and eyed him critically. He extended his hand to check the wound that was leaking gold. Gabriel flinched and Aziraphale hastily pulled back. “Did Sandalphon really do this?”

For a brief moment, Gabriel started to shake his head automatically, but jerked it halfway and nodded resolutely. “He did.”

There wasn’t exactly a doubt on Aziraphale’s face but Gabriel saw it anyway. What he had to look like to his former subordinate, once a proud archangel who was now shaking terrified wreck on his floor, covered only in a flimsy robe and begging for help. No wonder no-one in Heaven believed his tale. And no wonder Aziraphale wouldn’t believe him now. Who would believe Gabriel anyway? Sandalphon was an angel and angels didn’t do things like that. They didn’t beat their lovers and they didn’t rape them. Those were sins left to humans bound to Hell. Gabriel grabbed Aziraphale by his sleeve, smearing blood over his precious jacket. “I am not crazy!”

Aziraphale pried his jacket loose of Gabriel’s grip, sending a warning glance to his side where the demon hovered in the periphery. “No-one said you are crazy.” 

“But you thought it,” muttered Gabriel with his eyes cast down. He found out he couldn’t watch Aziraphale’s eyes creaking with pity. “Everybody thinks it. No-one believes me.” He tried to blink away the tears. The last thing he wanted was to look so pathetic, but he couldn’t stop himself. Tears mixed with blood and fell on his white robe. 

“Gabriel, I can’t decide if I believe you or not if I don’t know what happened,” Aziraphale said. “Come now. Why don’t I heal you and then you can tell us what brought you here.” Gabriel suddenly realized that his body was hurting, and the cuts on his face were stinging and his eye was in actual agony.

“Alright.”

Aziraphale helped him to stand and pushed him onto a sofa behind him that was definitely not there a moment ago. 

“Now, don’t move.” Aziraphale took his face into his hands and started to remove the pieces of glass and healing his cuts starting with the eye. Gabriel’s body tensed under Aziraphale’s touch despite his effort to remain calm. He breathed heavily and tried not to lash out. That wouldn’t help his case at all. At the very least the demon who got even closer and stood protectively over the angel would end him. Nor would it prove that he was perfectly sane and safe to be around. 

When Aziraphale was done with his face he turned to the rest of his body. He pulled slightly at the robe. “This will need to be off.” 

Gabriel shook his head. The robe, however much he might despise it was his only covering and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be so exposed in front of Aziraphale….and the demon. He glanced at the being in question. “Does he have to be here?” He cringed at the image his mind conjured of the demon mocking his emaciated body and the oversized effort Sandalphon persuaded him to wear, back when he still bothered to spend some energy into convincing Gabriel for sexual acts instead of taking what he wanted.

Crowley curled his lip. “Because seeing the Archangel Gabriel as the God created him was always a secret wish of mine.” he sneered.

“For God’s sake.” Aziraphale sighed. He turned to Gabriel with disapproval. “He lives here, Gabriel. You asked for my assistance. That means asking for Crowley’s assistance by extension. If you really want our help, you have to accept Crowley’s presence. Starting with using his actual name.”

Aziraphale’s tone wasn’t harsh. It wasn’t even very chiding. But Gabriel’s ears heard it anyway. _Play nice with the demon or I will turn you out in a blink._ Gabriel’s throat constrained. It seemed that he will never get his lack of tact under control. His arrogance will dominate him even when he is powerless and brought down to pleading. Of course, Aziraphale cared about the dem...Crowley. He chose him over Heaven after all. It would be foolish to be antagonistic towards him. He looked at Crowley. “Sorry.” The demon shifted on his feet uncomfortably, looking surprised that the archangel bothered to apologize. 

Aziraphale tugged at Gabriel’s robe again. “Off. I need to take a look at this.” he pointed on the patch of golden blood on Gabriel’s side. But he wasn’t ready to be unclothed without resistance. Gabriel knew he wasn’t acting rationally. He didn’t know why he didn’t want to be naked in front of these two. He suffered worse indignities in the months previous. He still pulled his robe back and curled on himself.

“Oh, bloody hell.” Crowley snapped his fingers and Gabriel felt soft fabric spreading across his legs as a new pair of pants manifested. “Is this better?”

Gabriel nodded hesitantly and let Aziraphale divest him of the bloodied robes. The principality frowned when he got sight of Gabriel’s thin torso. It was covered in fading bruises and you could count his ribs if you wanted. “This isn’t your original corporation,” he observed.

Gabriel nodded miserably. “They said the last one was faulty.”

“You don’t seem to be settling right into this one.”

Gabriel shrugged. He hated the fact he had to change his body in the first place and in response the new one was wilting around him. The angelic bodies didn’t need to be fed or watered, they were fuelled by the angel’s own inner energy and if that energy had a negative tint to it...well, it acted like poison. Gabriel knew that he just couldn’t find the will to do something about it - which was part of the problem. Just like Sariel had warned him what seemed like ages ago, his essence and his body weren’t one and it had consequences. Human doctors would probably call it failure to thrive if he was a growing child.

“It’s because my essence is damaged,” Gabriel repeated what he was said multiple times by Sandalphon and others. “That’s why...why I lash out and no-one can stand me.”

Behind Aziraphale the de….Crowley snorted, rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded like “morons!”

“Right.” Aziraphale didn’t look convinced but not willing to argue with Gabriel about his diagnosis. He pressed his hand to Gabriel's side, trying to stop the bleeding, fix the torn stitches and re-knit the flesh as well as he could. But celestial wounds were tricky, requiring an immense amount of power to heal. Not even trained healers in Heaven were able to fix it, and despite his many talents, Aziraphale wasn’t a trained healer. He only had to hope to stop the bleeding, clean it, bandage it and hope it won't get infected.

“Alright. I did as well as I could. You shouldn't move too much and tear it open again.” he cautioned Gabriel. “Your body might not take any more stress.”

Gabriel who gritted his teeth together all the time Aziraphale attended to his injury in an effort not to cry out nodded tiredly. His body was covered in a cold sweat.

“Now about the wings…”

“They are alright. Nothing's broken.” Gabriel flapped them a little to prove his point. He was right about that at least. No bones were broken, but his muscles were sore and the broken feather stang where they met his flesh. Tucking them in would be unpleasant but could be done. 

“They are a mess. These primaries need straightening.” 

“I can groom them later.”

Aziraphale shook his head in refusal. “I just told you, you need to stay still. It will be much easier if I do it now before these feathers get damaged even more and get grown in.”

His rational part knew that Aziraphale was right. Even now his wings prickled unpleasantly and his muscles throbbed from fatigue. But the stronger more paranoid part fo him didn’t want his wings touched, not even by himself. When Aziraphale’s hand seemed to twitch in the direction of his wings he furled them instinctively. He hissed in pain a little. Nothing may have been broken, but they were not in the best condition.

Aziraphale gave him a disapproving glare as if he was about to chide a petulant child and Gabriel curled on himself, expecting an explosion for his misbehavior. 

“What is this about...Oh, I see.” 

“See what?”

Aziraphale looked kind of sad. “Did Sandalphon hurt your wings?”

“No! He just...touched them.” Gabriel looked down on his hands which were folded neatly on his lap. He didn’t know how to explain. He had been dismissed several times before over claiming that Sandalphon attacked him and beat him. How does he make his claim that Sandalphon didn’t hurt his wings, on the contrary, he was gentle, but him touching them was uncomfortable to Gabriel all the same and usually prelude to sexual advances, which usually repulsed him. But how would Aziraphale and his dem...Crowley react to that? They would probably think he is exaggerating and not believe him about anything he had to say. They may very well think he lost his mind just as the angels had thought. He looked up at Aziraphale pleadingly. _Please, believe me._

Aziraphale gave him a tight smile. “Why don’t I make some tea? It will make everything better and it will be easier to talk.”

Gabriel sincerely doubted that, but he couldn’t find it in himself to protest and Aziraphale already turned to Crowley. “Could you keep Gabriel company, dear?”

Crowley nodded nonchalantly and Aziraphale disappeared inside a doorway. Only a rattling of china could be heard. Gabriel gave Crowley a questioning glance, but the demon just shrugged. “Better humor him. Offering tea is Aziraphale’s way to show welcome. Aren’t you lucky?”

Gabriel supposed he was lucky that Aziraphale wanted to greet him with tea and not hellfire, but he couldn’t stop being uneasy. It occurred to him that he had given himself entirely into the mercy of the two occupants of the bookshop. Aziraphale’s acceptance of his presence could be rescinded at any time. Gabriel couldn’t afford to offend him.

It took a while for Aziraphale to re-emerge with a tray containing two steaming cups and a plate of biscuits. Of course, Gabriel wasn’t aware that preparing tea was a way for him to calm his nerves which he sorely needed. He never saw Gabriel as helpless and desperate as this and it had disturbed him. Monotonous task helped him to quiet his troubled mind which had its worldview suddenly shattered. There were a few constants in the Universe and Gabriel being an arrogant self-assured asshole with nary a hair out of place was one of them. The Gabriel he knew certainly didn’t crash into people’s bookshop and he didn’t beg for help with a desperate and terrified look on his face. 

Aziraphale pressed one of the hot cups into his palms and ignored the slight shake of his hands as Gabriel brought it to his lips uncertainly. Aziraphale gave him an encouraging nod and Gabriel sipped carefully. 

Gabriel didn’t like to have things in his mouth. He discovered so in the last few months when he had several disgusting things in his mouth on Sandalphon’s urging. The tea wasn’t as bad as that but it was still unpleasant. It was hot and tasted bitter as he sloshed the liquid on his tongue. He had to stop his corporation from choking and spluttering the tea all over himself by sheer will. He forced himself to swallow. The liquid sliding down his esophagus was an even worse sensation and Gabriel tried to keep his face from forming into a grimace. But Aziraphale gave him a pleased smile so Gabriel tried to drink some more.

“Will Sandalphon look for you?” asked Aziraphale mildly, as if they really met for a friendly chat. 

“Probably.” Gabriel hung his head and breathed from his mouth. He didn’t want to speak about Sandalphon. He had an irrational notion that just speaking or thinking about him might summon him, but he knew he had no choice. 

“What I don’t understand,” Crowley piped out. “is why no-one in Heaven did something if Sandalphon is really after you?”

“No-one believed me,” said Gabriel miserably. 

“Why?” Aziraphale wondered. “I am sorry to say it, Gabriel, but it’s pretty obvious that you are not well.”

Gabriel fidgeted. “No-one believes that Sandalphon did it to me. All the other angels think I am losing my mind. Sandalphon convinced them that I am hurting myself, that I am the one who is dangerous. But I know he is manipulating everything.”

“There was never any evidence of what he did?”

“No.” Gabriel. He put his face into his hands. “Maybe there never was. Maybe I really lost my mind and dreamed it all up. Sandalphon is an angel after all. Why would he try to hurt me? No wonder no-one takes me seriously.”

“I have found that being an angel had nothing to do with whether someone was capable of hurting anybody.”

Something clenched inside Gabriel’s chest. Aziraphale wasn’t addressing him directly but Gabriel knew he was talking about him. He had hurt him, tried to kill him even.

“I just don’t understand what I did wrong. He was so...attentive when we got together. I was happy. But then I kept ruining it. I just made Sandalphon angrier and angrier. Is it because I am an insensitive bastard?”

Aziraphale gaped at him. “Who told you that?”

“Everybody.”

“And I guess they also told you you suck and you can’t do anything right.” It was Crowley who spoke up.

“Yes.”

“And everybody was mainly Sandalphon.”

“Yes.”

“And I guess every time you didn’t do something right, that was when he got angry.”

“Yes.”

“Except you never knew what was it that you did wrong.”

“Yes.”

“Did you hit you?”

Gabriel looked away from the demon’s intense gaze. “Yes.” 

“And let me guess. He was always careful to do it behind closed doors. And he claimed that you did something to deserve it. That you provoked him.”

This time Gabriel only nodded mutely.

“Did he touch you?”

Gabriel turned his eyes back to Crowley. “Of course he touched me. Don’t you get that we were together? It was what everyone expected.”

“I am not asking if it was expected. Did he touch you when you didn’t want him to? Did you forced to have sex?”

Answer to that was obviously affirmative but it stuck in his throat. Aziraphale caught Crowley’s hand. “I think we don’t need to know all the details.” He gave Gabriel a pitying look. 

“How do you even know all of it?” Gabriel asked. It couldn’t be that Crowley had some extraordinary ability to spy on him all the way to Heaven. But on the other hand, he was a demon who could survive holy water. Who knew what else he could do.

Crowley snorted. “It’s the tale as old as creation. You are not the first one it happened to, unfortunately, you are not the last one.”

Crowley’s words just made Gabriel’s heart ache. “So you know why he did it to me?”

“You did nothing wrong. Sandalphon is just a bastard.”

That just made Gabriel indignant. Surely that couldn’t be just that, Sandalphon had to have some reason for acting the way he did. “He never hurt anyone else. Just me. It must be my fault somehow.” It must have been Gabriel wasn’t a very good boyfriend.

“Gabriel, it’s called domestic abuse. It’s never a victim’s fault.” 

“Alright.” Gabriel wasn’t exactly convinced but it was nice of Aziraphale to try.

“You look exhausted,” he added. “Physically and mentally. Why don’t you get some rest? Your corporation needs it. Everything is going to be better in the morning, I promise.”

Aziraphale took the half-drunk cup of tea from his hands and made him lie on the sofa who was suddenly much wider. Aziraphale conjured some ugly patterned blankets to cover him. “You call if you need anything.”

  
  
  
  


A few minutes later Aziraphale peeked out of the backroom. He wasn’t exactly comfortable making Gabriel sleep in the middle of the bookshop, but after making a big deal out of how he shouldn’t move so he didn’t aggravate his injury, making the archangel get up and drag him upstairs to a proper bed would be going against his own advice. Plus this way he could keep a better eye on him.

Gabriel lay on his side, body tense and eyes tightly shut. It was obvious he was only pretending to be asleep. Aziraphale sighed and went to the small kitchen to brew himself more tea.

“OK, I hate to be the paranoid one after what we just heard, but there is no chance of this being some kind of trick?” Crowley kept his voice low, mindful of Gabriel in the next room.

“I doubt Gabriel would drive himself into such a state just to get back at us. He is too prideful for that. Not to mention he lacks the imagination to pull something like this.” And acting skill. And knowledge to even know what abuse was to successfully pretend to be a victim of one. “Still, I wouldn’t expect Gabriel to be the one to get abused.”

“You know that isn’t how it works. Appearances can be deceiving.”

“I know. And I am not even surprised about Sandalphon.”

“That guy always gave me the creeps.” Crowley agreed. “A little too much fond of smiting.”

“I am just disappointed. I thought I already knew how terrible Heaven was, but there is always something new.”

It was at this moment that Aziraphale’s musing was interrupted by knocking on the bookshop’s entrance. Although knocking might be a generous description. Banging might be better. Someone trying to break in even more so. Aziraphale and Crowley hurried through the saleroom, where Gabriel was already twitching on the improvised bed and slipped outside.

Two angels stood there. One was tall and black, other light and golden-haired and Aziraphale thought that they looked vaguely familiar. But of course, it has been so long he spent any extended time in Heaven that their names slipped from his memory. 

The two angels didn’t even bother to blend in, still wearing their uniforms, and they had their swords hanging at their hips. They didn’t look happy to see Aziraphale and gave Crowley hateful looks when they spotted him, earning a black mark in Aziraphale’s books.

When confronted with a potentially hostile situation, Aziraphale reverted to an age-proven tactic. Extreme politeness. “What a pleasant surprise. How can I help you?”

Unfortunately, his fellow angels lacked similar good manners. The tall one stepped forward threateningly. “We know Gabriel is in there. You will let him leave with us.”

“Let him leave? You made it sound like I forced him to come in the first place.”

“Don’t play games with us. Just give us Gabriel and we will leave, nothing unpleasant will happen.” said the other angel.

“I can’t give you Gabriel, because he doesn’t belong to me,” said Aziraphale through gritted teeth. “He has his own mind and he came to me of his own free will. He is my guest and as long as he wishes to be my guest, I won’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. And let me tell you, he has no desire to return back to Heaven.” At least Aziraphale assumed so.

“I don’t know what Gabriel told you, but none of it is true,” said the tall angel. Aziraphale’s foggy memory dredged up that his name was probably Kashael, or maybe Keshel, he wasn’t so sure. “He is ill. He needs help. Surely you are still angel enough that you won’t keep Gabriel from getting it.”

Crowley snorted at the angel’s impassioned speech. “Gabriel told us plenty about his _illness._ And what help he got.”

“You know nothing, demon,” snarled the gold hair. “Did Gabriel bothered to mention that he threatened to kill himself? Or that he attacked the archangel Sandalphon and he lost his eye? Permanently?”

Crowley only smiled at this information in satisfaction, but Aziraphale looked a little uncomfortable. It was true that Gabriel didn’t mention it, but then again they didn’t exactly interrogate him for every detail of his experience. Still, he carried on.

“Gabriel asked for my protection and I have granted it. I am sorry, but as long as there is any suspicion that he would be harmed in Heaven, I won’t allow you to take him.”

Both angels started to talk at the same time.

“Harm him? We are trying to help him!”

“Who do you think you are, you little traitor?!”

“Oi!” Crowley added his shout into the racket. “He already told you Gabriel is going nowhere so why don’t you piss off?!”

The golden-haired angel tried to step forward all the while pulling out his sword but ran into an invisible barrier within the first step. He jumped back with a yelp and rubbed his forehead furiously. He made a move to try again but his companion put a calming hand on his shoulder.

“We aren’t here to fight, Zachariel.”

Zachariel looked outraged. “We can’t leave Gabriel with these two! We have a mission, Kushiel.”

Kushiel poked the barrier with his finger unhappily. It flared briefly and the angel pulled his finger back. Aziraphale smiled with delight. It seemed that the wards were strong enough to keep the two angels out.

Kushiel glared at him. “If you can’t be reasonable, I guess we need a stronger argument. But know this, traitor,” he said it with a particularly strong emphasis on the word traitor, “you two hurt Gabriel in any way and I don’t care what strange new abilities you both have, I will end you.” with these parting words Kushiel dragged Zachariel away.

“Likewise,” said Crowley, waving at them nonchalantly in goodbye. Once the two unwelcome visitors rounded the corner, the angel and the demon returned to the bookshop.

“They will come back with reinforcements,” commented Crowley unhappily.

“I am sure they will.” agreed Aziraphale. He turned towards the sofa where Gabriel should be sleeping, meaning to check that the sudden appearance of the angels intent on taking him back to Heaven didn’t alarm him too much. The problem was Gabriel seemed to have gone. 


	11. flight instinct

Once both Gabriel’s mind and heart calmed down he realized that he made a horrible mistake.

The moment he heard Kushiel’s and Zachariel’s voices out on the street his mind flashed back to a few weeks ago, when they dragged him back to Heaven despite his screaming. His breathing sped up just at the memory and his muscles constricted at the image that the same this was about to happen again. In his ears, the heated conversation outside turned into the shouts and background sounds of the street turned into clashes of a fight. Gabriel couldn’t stay here, waiting helplessly until Kushiel and Zachariel burst through the door.

Gabriel didn’t know much about the layout of Aziraphale’s bookshop. He didn’t know there was a back entrance, but some inner flight instinct led him directly to the backroom, small corridor and outside where he almost tripped over some trash bins.

By the time Aziraphale and Crowley successfully fended off the two unwelcome guests and return inside he was already two streets away. His appearance attracted some attention. People of Soho might be used to the plenty of strange happening, particularly in the vicinity of the bookshop, but the appearance of a man only in flannel pajama bottoms and bandaged stomach caused some concerned passers-by to stop and ask him if he is need of any help. It only reminded Gabriel of these days in Heaven when he was confined in his rooms and concerned angels asked him the same things whenever he poked his nose out. He sped up every time someone just twitched in his direction.

Then he could no longer recognize his surroundings. He was alone and unsure. Should he try to retrace his steps and come back to the bookshop? But angels might be waiting for him there, having overpowered Aziraphale and the dem...Crowley.

Unknown feeling washed over him. He realized that it was guilt. He promised Aziraphale that he would leave him alone, there were even papers, signed and sealed, bearing testimony to that. And Gabriel not only broke the promise but led a bunch of angry angels to him. He had a moral obligation to return and help him, didn’t he? But it was probably too late. Kushiel and Zachariel were two of the best-trained angels of Michael’s lot. There was nothing to be done. He stood indecisively on the street, his legs feeling like lead. He was torn between two decisions.

If someone was observing him, they would see him turning to one direction, lifting his leg and putting it down again and turning to the other side, clenching his fists and trembling.

And unfortunately, someone who wasn’t a simple human pedestrian was watching him. Gabriel spotted Sandalphon the moment the other angel was putting his hands on his shoulder to stop him from fleeing.

“Gabriel,” there was relief in one of the Sandalphon’s remaining eyes. The other was covered in cloth. “I am so relieved I found you. I was scared to death when they told me you went to the traitor. I thought he would do something terrible to you. And I just knew that these incompetents they sent to retrieve you will mess it up. I had to just find you. The Almighty must truly be with me that I found you so quickly.”

Gabriel tried to scramble back, but Sandalphon had him firmly in his grip. When he showed the first sign of trying to move away, Sandalphon snatched his arm and held on it so hard it must have left bruises.

“Did the traitor hurt you in any way?” It tried to come out sympathetic, but Sandalphon’s voice sounded more like a growl.

“No, he didn’t hurt me.” Gabriel found his voice. “He helped me.”

“I can’t believe that. He hates you, Gabriel. Why would he help you unless he got something out of it?”

“He just did.” Because he was much kinder and understanding than any other angel in Heaven. It was a thought that was barely forming at the back of Gabriel’s head and he was still not ready to even acknowledge it.

“Oh, I see.” Sandalphon sneered.

“See what?!”

“Oh, please, Gabriel, don’t think I haven’t noticed how you always watched him. How lenient you were with him. Always giving him another extension when he didn’t file his reports on time, not reprimanding him for overuse of miracles. He only had to make his eyes on you and all would be forgiven.”

“That’s not true.” Gabriel has always been strict with Aziraphale, all too strict, he was just realizing.

“Don’t lie to me. You let him fuck you so he would help you.”

Gabriels was so astounded by the absurd accusation that he didn’t manage a sound of protest. Gabriel was reminded of the day Sandalphon similarly accused him of sleeping with Sariel. He winced when he remembered what followed right after. He tugged on his hand again in panic but Sandalphon wouldn’t let go.

“Did you let his pet demon fuck you? Does he have a horned cock? A forked tongue?”

“Don’t be gross. Nothing happened.” Sandalphon suddenly released his hand but before Gabrie could regain his balance and bolt, he was pushed. He collided with the window display. The glass didn’t break but mannequin behind it shook precariously.

“Don’t lie to me. I am tired of your lies. Remember, you are mine. You have no right to crawl into Aziraphale’s bed.”

“Let me go.”

“No.” Sandalphon pulled him closer. “You are coming back with me and you are going to be grateful I saved you from the traitor. Seriously, Gabriel, someone has to keep you safe from yourself.”

“I am not going anywhere with you.”

But Sandalphon ignored his protests, just as Gabriel knew he would. He grabbed him and dragged him away. Gabriels struggled against him, not making any voluntary step forward. His knees dropped from under him and he ended up half lying on the ground. Sandalphon turned to him his eye narrowed.

“Stop making a scene. Either you will come with me on your own or I will drag you.”

Gabriel didn’t make any movement to get up. Instead, his legs locked together.

“Very well, have it your way.” One of Sandalphon’s went around his arm, another one enclosed around the tuff of his hair.

“Ouch. Stop it! It hurts.”

“You can stand up any time, Gabby.” sneered Sandalphon as Gabriel’s bare feet slid along the pavement. He shouted in pain when Sandalphon tugged at his arm harder and his shoulder twisted. Maybe trying to slip out of his grasp wasn’t such a good idea.

Then Sandalphon suddenly let go and Gabriel dropped to the ground. There was a dark blur followed by much more slowly moving beige blot. When Gabriel reoriented himself, Sandalphon was throwing Crowley of him. The demon landed close to Gabriel with a pained groan. Before Sandalphon could move to finish him, Aziraphale was at him. He was brandishing of all things, an umbrella.

“Aziraphale, I see you can’t stay put. Isn’t your hard-won freedom enough?”

“It would be if it weren’t for unwelcome guests.” Aziraphale gave Sandalphon a pointed look.

“You can have your peace and calm back. Just let me leave with Gabriel and Heaven will go back to ignoring you, just like you want.”

“I am afraid you can’t take Gabriel.”

Sandalphon laughed. “Don’t tell me you want to keep him. He is mentally ill. Raving mad, really. He needs help you can’t give him. He will be safe with me.”

“It’s not my habit to give people back to their abusers,” replied Aziraphale calmly.

“You can’t believe these tales that I have hurt him. It’s laughable.”

“Yeah,” said Crowley sarcastically. “Before we just didn’t see you drag him by his hair.”

“Enough,” barked Sandalphon, out of patience when he realized that he won’t be able to talk them around like he did the naive angels in Heaven. “Gabriel, come with me. Right now.”

Gabriel stayed frozen on the ground, his heart hammering in his chest. He shook his head mutely. Sandalphon made one step in his direction, Aziraphale blocked him.

“Out of my way.”

“No.”

“You have no chance to beat me. Even with the help of your demon boyfriend.”

“We’ll see,” said Aziraphale resolutely. He glanced at Crowley, who meanwhile got up from the ground. The demon’s fingers sparkled dangerously. Sandalphon’s eyes widened momentarily in fear and he shuddered, but his desire for Gabriel eventually overcame any potential fear of hellfire. He manifested a war-hammer in his hand, the one Gabriel gifted him.

“Last chance.”

Aziraphale stood his ground and Sandalphon swung his weapon. Aziraphale sidestepped him neatly. What followed was a confusing dance of strikes and counterstrikes and flashes of miracles. Sandalphon used his war-hammer, Aziraphale whatever was at hand. Crowley tried to get in to help several times - each time he was swatted away like a fly, light of a divine smiting barely missing him.

Sandalphon and Aziraphale both started as principalities, but Sandalphon gained promotions and more power to go with it. Aziraphale had a little bit more practical experience, but he didn’t keep himself in the shape of a mean fighting machine. Soon, Sandalphon’s misses were nearer.

“Gabriel, do something!” Crowley turned to him after he landed on the sidewalk once more, his nose bleeding.

“I can’t.” he cried, tears in his eyes. “He is too strong for me.”

“Bullshit. You are Archangel fucking Gabriel. Strike him with lightning or something!”

But Gabriel couldn’t move a muscle even if he wanted. It was all his fault. If he didn’t want some company, if he was a bit more capable of conducting his relationship, didn’t always make Sandalphon so angry, none of this would have ever happened. He would be still in Heaven, bossing other angels around and Aziraphale would be doing whatever he was doing now that he didn’t have a job anymore.

Aziraphale managed to knock Sandalphon’s weapon out of his hands but the archangel grabbed him under his throat and was squeezing him.

“Damn it.” spat Crowley and limped towards the two. The demon’s intervention made Sandalphon loosen his grip on the principality but his attention was now on Crowley. He gathered some more of divine energy at his palm. Aziraphale grabbed Sandalphon’s hand at the last moment and Heavenly fireball hit the ground, leaving a large hole.

“Stop.”

All three of them turned towards Gabriel.

“I’ll go with you. Just stop it.”

Sandalphon pushed both demon and angel away from him with a huge smile. “I knew you would come to your senses.” He extended his hand toward Gabriel who got on his unsteady feet.

It was at this moment that a passing driver found his wheel suddenly swerving into the sidewalk. The car hit Sandalphon square on. He landed on the hood, his head connected with the front glass and he bounced off onto the ground. The shocked driver got out of the vehicle. “Oh my God, I hit someone.”

“Yeah, mate,” said Crowley. “Just some trash bins.” The driver blinked in confusion, his eyes misted over. Gabriel stared at Sandalphon’s corporation, on his caved-in skull and blood slowly dripping on the paving. The next moment his body dissolved into the light as he discorporated.

“Let’s get out here,” said Aziraphale. He and Crowley both grabbed Gabriel by his hands and lead him away.

Gabriel felt like he fell into a different reality. Sandalphon has discorporated. At the back of his head, he knew that he wouldn’t let it go until he had revenge. He moaned. “What have you done?”

“Just what was necessary,” said Crowley grimly.

Gabriel was surprised to discover that the bookshop was entirely devoid of any damage.

“Kushiel and Zachariel…” he started.

“Oh, they weren’t ready for a fight,” said Aziraphale in false airy voice.

It was when Aziraphale made him sit and put an ugly tartan blanket around his shoulders that Gabriel realized that he was shaking like a leaf.

“I am sorry,” he said.

“Well,” Aziraphale sighed unhappily. “What’s done is done.”

Gabriel got up and started walking in the direction of the exit. “I should go. I got you into enough trouble already.”

Crowley barred his path. “Whoah. Where are you going?” The archangel trying to get up and leave after they just risked so much to rescue him from his own foolishness irked.

“I shouldn’t have come in the first place. I am sorry. I’ll just go. I’ll tell them it isn't your fault, maybe they will leave you alone.” Maybe if Sandalphon will have him to torment, he won’t even remember about Aziraphale and Crowley. Maybe if Gabriel will be really good...

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Could you just stop saying you are sorry? It’s not helping anything.”

Why weren’t they angry? Gabriel invaded their home and got them attacked by Sandalphon.

“Gabriel, calm down.” only a slight shake of his voice revealed that Aziraphale wasn’t as calm as he looked. “You can’t leave now. Where would you even go? I promised I’d help you. I can’t just let you leave, not after what I just saw.”

“I don’t understand. You have no reason to help me.” he cried. “I don’t deserve your help.” he looked at Aziraphale who was wringing his hands nervously. “Why did you help me? I treated you horribly. And now you are in trouble with Heaven because of me.”

Aziraphale made Gabriel sit again. “Gabriel, you need help. That alone is a reason for me to help you.”

“They’ll be after you just as they are after me.”

“A bit late to be a self-sacrificing idiot, don’t you think?” said Crowley. Gabriel hung his head. Aziraphale sent him chastising glare.

“We already discorporated an archangel. I don’t think Heaven is going to just forget about it, no matter if you are with us or not.”

“Yeah, and I would do it again,” said Crowley with more bravado than he felt. Having something as powerful as an archangel after you was a horrible feeling. “I wanted to bash his skull in ever since Sodom.”

Gabriel looked between Crowley and Aziraphale uncertainly. They seemed awfully sure.

“We are in this together. So let’s think how to get out of it, alright? But first, let me make some tea.”

A few minutes later Gabriel sat on a sofa with another steaming cup fo tea in his hands. He wasn’t able to drink it. The previous beverage was still churning uncomfortably in his stomach. Gabriel knew he wouldn’t be able to swallow more and pretend to enjoy it. Luckily Aziraphale was busy plotting with Crowley.

“Thing is, will our wards hold out against them?” mused Aziraphale. He knew that the answer was no. A combination of celestial and infernal wards might give angels a pause, but the fact was that even Aziraphale and Crowley combined didn’t hold a candle against a single archangel, in a fair fight at least. The wards were erected more to give them time to flee rather than to keep the dedicated enemy out.

“It kept Kushiel and Zachariel out,” said Crowley, sprawling in an armchair. By rights, they should both be freaking out. One year. That’s how long they had. Now Heaven was knocking on their door. But there already was a person freaking out and that person was obviously Gabriel, who didn’t speak up since they shut his stupid idea about leaving.

“They didn’t try to get in that hard. And if Sandalphon, Uriel and Michael team up to get in, well, I predict they will tear through like it was paper.”

“Not Michael,” muttered Gabriel. “She is away.”

“They might recall her.”

“I guess.” If she will even read her post.

“It might be time for plan B,” said Crowley.

Aziraphale looked around his bookshop longingly. “I think you might be right.”

Plan B was simple enough. Should Heaven or Hell ever come back: flee. There were seven billion humans on Earth, giving out enough background noise of good and evil. If they are carefully enough, they might hide among them.

“Say, what is the easiest way to track an angel?” asked Crowley.

“Their miracle records,” replied Gabriel, a bit reluctantly. Aziraphale groaned. It was just as they feared.

“I guess that means no miracles for you.” Crowley turned to Gabriel. “And you too.”

“I can’t do miracles anyway,” said Gabriel miserably.

Crowley’s eyebrows rose from behind his glasses. “How come?”

“I don’t know. I suppose She is angry at me.”

“She is angry at you and not an abusive rapist?” Crowley asked incredulously. He saw Aziraphale make a face that indicated he was filing this information to discuss later when things were less strained.

“We will have to rely on you, dear, to provide us with miracles,” said Aziraphale in an attempt to redirect the conversation. “Where should we go?”

“Angel, do you remember how he discussed getting a summer cottage?”

“Yes.”

“There is now a cottage reserved in my name for the whole summer.”

Aziraphale’s smile was strained. “So that’s settled.”

It took them little time to pack, even though Crowley had to keep Aziraphale from taking his entire collection. He miracled some more clothes on Gabriel as he couldn’t exactly travel naked from the top. Though Crowley made sure that the clothes weren’t exactly to his tastes. Black doc martens and a faded Metallica t-shirt weren’t his style at all and clashed horribly with flannel pants. Gabriel looked like a hobo, but he didn’t mike a sound fo protest, another concerning thing.*

* Everybody knew about Gabriel’s fashion obsession. In the 18th century, Hastur started to burn the establishments Gabriel frequented for fun, usually with proprietors still inside. Until Gabriel caught up to him and smote him so hard Hastur couldn’t fit into a new corporation for the next two decades. They were the nicest two decades of Crowley’s life.

Twenty minutes into their journey, the monotonous movement of Bentley lulled Gabriel to sleep.

Crowley turned to Aziraphale. “You know it’s still not too late to dump him on the side of the road.” He kept his voice low.

“Crowley, could you really do that?”

He glanced back at the archangel in the mirror. Asleep, he looked peaceful and almost cute. Crowley swallowed. He didn’t like Gabriel. _Shut your stupid mouth and die already_ resonated in his mind whenever he looked at him. Crowley was a demon. He frequently fantasied about people who had wronged him suffering the most horrible fates. But he was also a demon who thought that the height of demonic activity was gluing coins to the sidewalk. His acts of revenge featured mild humiliation at most if he got around to revenge at all. The fact was, Crowley was soft. He didn’t like seeing people suffer, even the ones who deserved it. What he had done to Ligur still gave him nightmares.

And Gabriel was so helpless right now, revenge would bring him no satisfaction.

Still, the archangel hurt his angel and that was unforgivable. So maybe later, when everything calms down, he will make Gabriel trip over his own feet. Right into the pope’s lap.

“No.”

Aziraphale gave him a small smile, that assured Crowley that he answered correctly.

“Just focus on driving.”


	12. respite

The following morning Gabriel stood in the living room of the cottage, peering out of the window. His eyes were red-rimmed and dark shadow framed them. He hadn’t slept a wink in the night.

They arrived at the cottage late afternoon, the abrupt stop of the Bentley interrupting Gabriel’s nap. Since then he was in a state of unease. It took Heaven awfully short time to find him and send their agents to bring him back. Surely there must now be more on the way, especially in the wake of Sandalphon’s discorporation. He idly wondered how long it will take for him to get a new body and return to Earth to torment Gabriel further. He was an archangel, Gabriel knew that they would not make him wait too long.

He kept expecting angels to show up at any moment. He felt constantly watched and there was a part of him that wanted to be on the move again. But Aziraphale was right. Where would he even go? His chances were about the same no matter if he hid here with them or lost himself somewhere on Earth. At least Aziraphale knew how to exist on Earth.

“There is nothing out there.”

Gabriel jumped and almost screamed when Crowley spoke behind him. He turned to glare at him.

“Being this paranoid will drive you mad, trust me.”

“How would you know?”

“I spent weeks after the Armagedidn’t looking over my shoulder. I didn’t trust Hell to leave me alone even though they promised that. I expected Hastur to show up all the time.” Crowley shrugged. “Eventually I learned to relax. Either they will come or they won’t come. No need to obsess over it in the meanwhile.”

“But I know they are coming for me. I can’t just…”

“Sit here and look out of the window all the time? I already set the alert wards. There is a difference over being cautious and jumping at every shadow. It’s only going to make you mentally exhausted and at that moment you are going to be an easy target.”

Gabriel glanced out of the window again. Nearby trees rustled in the breeze that brought the smell of the ocean, there was a distant bark of a dog and an old man on the bicycle was going down the street. He didn’t give out any celestial or occult energy so he probably was what he appeared to be. Gabriel still watched him until he disappeared around the corner.

Aziraphale shuffled into the room. “I made pancakes for breakfast,” he announced. “Do you want to eat something, Gabriel? Some food might do you good, you look awfully pale.”

It might as well be that mere mention of food made Gabriel pale. But when he stared at the ceiling last night he promised himself that he would be the ideal guest and that he won’t give Aziraphale any reason to be upset with him. And refusing Aziraphale’s offer, after he made such an effort to prepare breakfast would be rather rude. He shuffled reluctantly to the kitchen.

Aziraphale put some round flat thing on his plate. Gabriel poked it in curiosity. “You can put anything on it. We have syrup, jam, honey, blueberries, cream.” Aziraphale informed him. Gabriel eyed the offerings suspiciously then poured one in random. It had a golden colour.

He knew the moment he put into his mouth that he didn’t like it. It was too sweet and mushy and turned slimy once he chewed on it. He wasn’t even able to swallow it as the substance lay heavily on his tongue.

“Do you like it?”

Under Aziraphale’s gaze, Gabriel forced himself to swallow. He tried to smile at the other angel but it was enough for him not to retch.

“You don’t like it,” observed Aziraphale.

“No, it isn’t….”

“Gabriel, you don’t have to eat if you don’t like it.”

“I just need time to get used to it.” It was obviously a lie. Gabriel was repulsed by the idea of putting foreign stuff into his corporation. Aziraphale saw it and shook his head.

“Don’t force himself to eat if you don’t like the idea.”

Gabriel hung his head. “I didn’t want to insult you,” he muttered.

Aziraphale frowned. “Insult me? Why would I be insulted.” Aziraphale looked confused like Gabriel just spoke in a foreign language.

“You always offer food and I always...well, I am always rude about it.”

Aziraphale sighed. “I am not insulted that you don’t like to eat. If you simply dislike food, well, it’s not like we angels need food to survive. The only insulting thing is when someone mocks me for what I like.”

That was likely meant for him also. “I am sorry.”

Aziraphale visibly braced himself not to chastise Gabriel for saying sorry again. “Well, I am sorry that I lead you to believe that you have to eat to...what, do you think I would just send you away when you don’t do what I say you to do?” Aziraphale looked upset. He turned to Crowley with a scandalized expression on his face. The demon examined the archangel like he was some kind of new species of bug.

Aziraphale needed something to distract him so he snatched Gabriel’s plate, dumped the uneaten food into a bin and started to wash the dirty plates very slowly. Gabriel sat stiffly on his chair. The air in the kitchen was thick with tension. Gabriel almost wished Aziraphale or even Crowley would strike instead of letting him stew like this.

“Let’s make something clear.” Aziraphale came closer once he calmed down. “While you are here with us, nobody and nothing is going to hurt you. Alright?”

“Alright.” his voice was hoarse. He fled the kitchen soon after and locked himself in the bedroom that got designated as his.

He cried silently for a great long time. He was ridiculous. He didn’t even know why he was crying. Surely it wasn’t about food. Aziraphale wasn’t even upset. On the contrary, he was being nice ever since Gabriel crashed into his shop. Even the demon was mostly nice. But that was it. Sandalphon was also nice at the beginning. He showered him with gifts and attention. But then he found out what a real jerk Gabriel was, how much propping and care he needed, how much of an ungrateful brat he was. Soon Aziraphale and Crowley would discover the same thing.

In mid-afternoon, Aziraphale knocked on the door hesitantly. “Gabriel, are you alright?”

Gabriel ignored him. He was feeling miserable about himself and he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. He had no energy to try and be nice.

“Are you even in there? Do you need anything?” Aziraphale’s voice was laced with concern and that made Gabriel feel even worse.

There was a rattling of the doorknob and for a moment Gabriel feared Aziraphale would force his way in. But he heard only a sigh behind the door and Crowley’s voice. “Let him mope.”

“Alright. You know where to find us if you want to talk. Or just a company.” he shouted at the closed door.

Later that night Gabriel woke up screaming and didn’t stop until Aziraphale and Crowley burst into the room and it filled with light.

“What happened?”

“Sandalphon is here.”

Crowley looked around the room. He even peaked out of the window.

“I think you just had a nightmare.”

“A nightmare?” asked Gabriel dumbly, his heart still hammering in his chest and his corporation covered in sweat.

“A dream,” explained Aziraphale kindly. “Images your mind conjures when you sleep.”

“I know what a dream is,” he grumbled. In the old times, he used to invade people’s dreams quite frequently. “I never had one of these before.” Gabriel didn’t remember falling asleep in the first place. He didn’t plan on it. He was still fully dressed and the ugly boots Crowley conjured were still on his feet.

“Well, you have a lot on your mind.” reasoned Aziraphale.

“Just a dream.” Gabrel scowled, angry at himself.

“I can assure you that if Sandalphon decided to come here, he would get a nasty surprise.”

“You’ll burn him in hellfire this time?”

Aziraphale suddenly looked nervous. “Of course.”

Gabriel frowned. Come to think of it, why Aziraphale didn’t use hellfire the first time? Sandalphon almost killed him. But Aziraphale avoided looking Gabriel in the eyes. He looked sheepish. Gabriel had a sinking feeling that Aziraphale might not have the ability to summon hellfire in the first place. And if Gabriel realized that, what were the chances that Sandalphon who was much more observant, was thinking exactly the same thing?

A few days had passed and there was no sign of any angels. Gabriel felt himself relaxing only to realize that he was just getting complacent. If angels weren’t already lurking in the village, they were looking all over for him. Earth Observation department must be working on two hundred percent.

Aziraphale seemed to make it his life’s mission to bother Gabriel. No, that was uncharitable. Aziraphale just seemed concerned and maybe he had the right to be. Several times a day he would come around asking if Gabriel needed anything, did he want to do something, would he like to go outside? The cottage came with a very nice garden and he should angel a little bit of sunshine England got when he had time. Gabriel spent most of his time in his bedroom.

Thought of sunny weather just made Gabriel more grumpy. How dared the sun shine when his mood kept alternating among miserable, tired and occasionally, since nothing seemed to be happening, bored. But not enough to do something about it.

Gabriel would try to give Aziraphale cold shoulder for longer if it weren’t for a fact that he needed his bandages changed.

“I think it’s healing as well as we could hope for,” observed Aziraphale once he managed to coax Gabriel out of his room and seated him on the sofa in the living room. The windows in the room were too big for Gabriel’s taste and there was too much light.

Gabriel’s stab wound had already sealed, but it still ached dully and pulled on his muscles uncomfortably whenever he moved fast.

“I am afraid it’s going to scar permanently.”

Gabriel grimaced. The thought that he will carry evidence of Sandalphon on his body forever, no matter what corporation he inhabits made his insides churn. He comforted himself that the wound he gave Sandalphon in return was worse and couldn’t be hidden from the view easily.

Once Aziraphale was done, Gabriel put the t-shirt back on. His nose wrinkled at the smell. He didn’t change for several days and it showed. Could Aziraphale smell him? He probably could. Gabriel colored in embarrassment. Maybe he should ask Crowley to miracle some more clothes for him? Or maybe he might try to wash it. That would probably be safer.

“Before you go, I need to speak with you.”

Gabriel tensed. He expected it - Aziraphale walked around him opening his mouth to begin conversation all the time and changing his mind - but that didn’t mean it was welcome. He jerked his head in a motion that could be interpreted as a nod. “Fine.”

“If it will make you uncomfortable, tell me.” Now that statement made Gabriel more nervous. Aziraphale coughed slightly and continued. “Gabriel, I don’t like the way you mope upstairs, alone. It can’t be healthy.”

“I am alright,” muttered Gabriel. He didn’t look Aziraphale in the eye.

“No, you are not. You can’t just lock yourself away and hope it will all go away. It won’t work that way.”

Gabriel frowned. Technically Aziraphale was right. All that free time just left him with time to replay all that moment when he messed up when he let Sandalphon hit him, to do what he wanted with him.

“What should I do?”

“You can’t just dwell on it and let it dominate your life. You should find something to distract yourself. You should continue to live your life.”

“How can I live my life? Sandalphon ruined my life.”

“So you let him win?”

“Win?”

“Gabriel, tell me, why did you leave Heaven? Sandalphon?”

Why was Aziraphale doing this to him? He already told him more than enough, in his opinion at least, and he wants him to relive it again? “You know why.”

“Tell me. Tell me about the exact moment you decided to escape. What did you think at that moment?”

Gabriel closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “If I didn’t leave I would just turn into Sandalphon’s puppet eventually. I wouldn’t be able to even control my own body.”

Aziraphale nodded. “So don’t let him control you. Don’t live in his shadow. He isn’t here. You have the right to do what you like, go where you want to. Start a new life, without Sandalphon. Trust me, it’s not as hard as it might look.”

Gabriel frowned. “I don’t know how to do that.” Easy? It wasn’t even Sandalphon. Not entirely. For six thousand years Gabriel knew only Heaven. Now it turned against him. He was starting to realize that to abandon Sandalphon, he would have to also abandon everything he knew, everything that gave his life a purpose. And if he really started to build a new life, it would be as if he accepted the situation, accepted that it was permanent. And honestly what he would even do?

“Why don’t you start small. Find some hobbies. I know you enjoy running, but that should probably wait until you are all healed.”

“Not running.” Gabriel gritted his teeth. That would mean leaving the safety of the cottage.

“Explore then. Try different things, find what you like. Read a book.”

Gabriel shook his head. It was just like Aziraphale, to suggest reading as one of the first options. “You know I can’t read.”

“Well, I didn’t mean you read necessarily. There are a lot of options. I am sure there are books about crafts and arts in the village library. The librarian there is a very nice lady, I am sure she would be happy to help us find some…”

Gabriel wasn’t even surprised that Aziraphale already made it to the local library. He gave him a blank stare. “I meant I don’t know how to read.”

Aziraphale stared at him as if he just told him he was an atheist. “At all?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Of course I know how to read Celestial script at that bastardized version Hell uses. And I learn cuneiform when it first came out.” Back than Aziraphale barged into Heaven the most excited Gabriel had ever seen him. Back then he was still curious about what humans were up to so he learned it to see what was it all about. But Gabriel read a lot of administrative paperwork in his proper job, thank you very much and his interest soon waned. “I didn’t learn to read any other human scribbles. They keep changing every couple of centuries. I don’t have time for that.”

“You mean you didn’t even read a bible?”

“No,” neither did Gabriel know why he should.

“But don’t you want to know what they say about you in it?” now that was a clear appeal to his ego. “What it says about annunciation?”

“What does it say?”

“Well, since you can’t read it for yourself I will just tell you. Or I could teach you?”

“Teach me?”

“To read.”

Gabriel mulled it over. Aziraphale was right, no matter how much he might dislike this truth. He was bored. And being able to read signs on the street might come in useful. Or in general, should he find himself alone on Earth once Aziraphale’s patience with him runs out.

“Fine, teach me.”

Aziraphale smiled, but then his face fell. “You aren’t agreeing just to please me, right?”

“No.” Aziraphale looked at him with doubt etched on his face so Gabriel added with a sigh. “I promise if I don’t like this whole reading business I will tell you.”

“Alright. Well, I think we should start with the Latin alphabet since that’s what humans use in this part of the world.”

“Wait a moment,” Gabriel stopped him. “You mean there is more than one type of writing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I think the next few chapters are going to be less plot and more Gabriel hangs out with Aziraphale and Crowley and is sad.
> 
> Btw, this is now my top fic as far as hits, kudos and bookmarks are concerned, so thanks to everybody who read this far.


	13. calm before storm

Gabriel tugged at the hem of his shirt nervously. Despite his best attempt to wash it - he even found some detergent left over from the previous occupants of the cottage - he was convinced that his clothes still gave out an ugly odor. It must be that the clothes were conjured. For some reason, the items that came into existence with a simple miracle were more fragile. They broke more easily, became more easily stained or worn out. The most prevailing theory was that the thing created from the ether yearned to return to the aether. And in Gabriel not-so-humble opinion miracled clothes were not as comfortable as the real deal.

He supposed he could ask Crowley to make him some more clothes but there were so many miracles one could demand before becoming annoying and needy. He didn’t want to risk getting on Crowley’s nerves, especially as he had another request to ask. He peered into the living room hesitantly. Aziraphale was sitting in the armchair that had immediately become his favorite, very thick book on his lap. Crowley was lazing on the sofa. Gabriel padded into the room slowly. No-one noticed them. He coughed a little.

“Oh, Gabriel.” Aziraphale jerked in his armchair but he smiled at him in spite of that. “I was wondering where you are. I was about to come to look for you.” Gabriel wasn’t sure if he should believe that. Aziraphale seemed engrossed in his book just a second ago.

“I was in the garden.” He answered instead. Going outside was one of the small victories of the last few days. Weather was unusually nice and Gabriel enjoyed sitting on the bench in the back garden, his skin warmed by the sun. He enjoyed watching bees buzzing around, gathering pollen from the numerous flowers. The trick to it was not to think, though. Whenever his thoughts strayed in the direction of how busy and hardworking the bees were, they were followed by the realization that Gabriel himself wasn’t busy or working hard, because he didn’t have a job anymore. Which inevitably lead to the memories of why he didn’t have the job and was in fact stuck here, on a planet he despised and in a company of two beings he would rather smite down just a month ago. No, he just sat and watched the insects swirl around and if he wanted he walked barefoot around the garden and smell the flowers. They were gorgeous and Gabriel didn’t at all understand why Crowley shouted at them - sometimes he heard him from his open window.

“Good, you need some fresh air!” answered Aziraphale with a conviction that Gabriel was too pale and too thin and something should be done about it. “Why don’t you come to sit with us here. We could practice the alphabet.”

Gabriel stared right in front of him, his eyes focusing slightly above Aziraphale’s shoulder on a picture of a cat stuck in a tree. He decided to forge right ahead and ask before he lost his resolve and let Aziraphale drag him into their project. “There is an ocean nearby. I can smell the salt.”

“Yes, we are very close to the coast. About mile out.” agreed Aziraphale.

“So there is a beach.”

“Yes, there is a beach.” Aziraphale’s face was already brightening. “Oh, I haven’t been to a beach since….”

“Brighton, nineteen ninety-four.” Crowley chimed in.

Gabriel licked his lips. “I’d like to go.”

“To Brighton?” asked Aziraphale, his forehead creasing in confusion.

“You are not a prisoner here,” said Crowley idly from the sofa at the same time where he played with his glasses. “You can go wherever you want.”

But Aziraphale was already rising with a big smile on his face. “A beach. What a wonderful idea. I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before?”

Crowley raised one of his eyebrows at Aziraphale and his yellow eyes flickered in Gabriel’s direction.* But his angel ignored him, already on his way to “look if we have something they could take to the beach.”

* He wore an expression of a demon who suggested going to the beach on seventeen different occasions in the last week alone and was rebuked each time with an excuse that Gabriel can’t be left home alone and Gabriel wouldn’t leave the house.

Gabriel didn’t know if Aziraphale was really so excited by the idea of going to a beach or if he just saw Gabriel’s reluctance to ask for something and decided to take pity on him. The fact was that Gabriel just didn’t want to go alone. Venturing into the garden was one thing, he always knew that Aziraphale and Crowley were a shout’s distance away. But anything more than that? Gabriel’s mind started to conjure up the worst scenarios of coming across a bunch of violent humans or worse, the host of Heaven descending on him. He even started having dreams about it.

“Right, looks like we are going to the beach,” muttered Crowley, giving Gabriel a once-over. “You can’t go like this.” He clicked his fingers and when Gabriel looked down at himself he was wearing a shirt covered with flower-print and purple cargo shorts. Comfortable sandals were on his feet. And socks! Gabriel recoiled in horror while Crowley smirked at him.

Eventually, Aziraphale returned downstairs laden with things that Gabriel supposed were for beach. Aziraphale thrust an umbrella at Gabriel, a cooler at Crowley and set out to the door carrying a big beach bag.

While Crowley helped Aziraphale to load his things into the Bentley wondering where the angel even got so many beach stuff, Gabriel ducked out of the sight and got rid of the horrible socks. Nobody commented on the change in his attire, but Gabriel would swear that Crowley’s expression had a hint of a smirk to it.

An hour later Gabriel tried to get through the article about Eliud Kipchoge’s attempts to break the two-hour barrier in a marathon in the latest Runner’s World. After they set up their cozy little spot - including beach chair that suddenly appeared without any other beachgoers noticed anything amiss - and obligatory dip in the sea, Aziraphale pulled out his reading material. Crowley joked Aziraphale had to bring book even to the beach but he dug into the gardening magazine Aziraphale presented to him. Gabriel was surprised that Aziraphale remembered him and brought him something that actually might interest him.

It made something clench in his chest. He tried to imagine going to the beach with Sandalphon and him giving him something as considerate as Aziraphale. But he couldn’t. Sandalphon knew nothing about Gabriel’s hobbies. No, that was unfair. Sandalphon knew what Gabriel liked, that he enjoyed running and nice clothes, but his understanding of it was off, as the badly chosen gift showcased. In Aziraphale’s place, he would have given him a publication on healthy food for active people or something like that. Except Sandalphon wouldn’t teach him to read in the first place. Oh, he would criticize him for it and insist he learns but he wouldn’t help as Aziraphale did.

Each evening he sat with him at the kitchen table, showing him the alphabet and patiently correcting each of Gabriel’s mistakes. He didn’t show frustration over his slow progress either. It wasn’t that Gabriel couldn’t learn letters. He memorized symbols for each phoneme very quickly, it was putting these symbols together to form a word and these words to form a sentence. By the time he managed to read to the comma, he couldn’t remember what the sentence actually said and had to start again. Aziraphale called it reading comprehension. Aziraphale was endlessly gentle so even when Gabriel wanted to quit he couldn’t. He didn’t want, he found to his surprise, to disappoint the other angel. He wasted so much time on Gabriel and he never even suggested that Gabriel was stupid when he didn’t grasp something right away, always reassuring him that there was always another time and human children spent a year in school just to learn to read and write properly.

The realization that the traitor angel was kinder to him than the archangel that claimed to love him, had stunned him. Gabriel glanced at Aziraphale. He was enjoying the ice cream Crowley brought to him and paying all his attention to the classic paperback. From next to Aziraphale Crowley raised one eyebrow at Gabriel and he hastily averted his eyes, embarrassed that the demon caught him staring. He returned to his magazine quickly but he could focus on the contents even less.

After a while, Gabriel heard Crowley drop his magazine on the sand. He poked Aziraphale. “Angel, you don’t plan to spend the whole day reading? You could do that at home.”

Aziraphale smiled and Gabriel had no idea why. “What do you propose?”

“Let’s do beach stuff,” Crowley announced.

“I consider reading a perfectly acceptable activity for a day at a beach. Plenty of people here are reading.”

“Come one, let’s do something fun. I bet Gabriel here didn’t want to go to the beach just to read the whole time.”

“Ehm,” said Gabriel. He was unsure why he wanted to go to the beach in the first place. To get out of the house? To hear the sound of waves hitting the shore, to see the ocean to bask in the sun? Gabriel didn’t actually think ahead to what he would do once he got there. Sandalphon would probably scoff that Gabriel never thought ahead and that was his main problem.

“And what do you want to do?” asked Aziraphale.

“Something fun,” Crowley emphasized the word fun. “Build a sandcastle or something.”

Now Gabriel just had to ask. “Why would you want to build a castle out of sand?”

Crowley just gave him a look, that he couldn’t fully decipher. “Because it’s something you do at the beach. Come on, Gabe, I’ll show you.”

Gabriel frowned. “Don’t call me Gabe,” he muttered.

“Alright, alright.” Aziraphale sighed.

Gabriel reluctantly followed them to see what it was all about. He wasn’t much help in the construction of the castle, which just turned out to be building of a sand miniature of a castle by hand, not an actual castle. Aziraphale and Crowley had both different techniques of building the structure. Aziraphale was careful and methodical while Crowley just piled the sand to resemble walls and a tower. They also teased each other mercilessly. He watched them anxiously expecting one of them to lose their temper and lash out, but all the teasing seemed good-natured. If Gabriel tried to tease Sandalphon like that, he would have already gotten a fist to his underbelly. He was so sensitive about his image and being shown respect.

Gabriel lowered his head miserably. He wanted a relaxing day on the beach and yet here he was thinking about his messed up relationship with Sandalphon again. Maybe Aziraphale was right the other day, maybe he will haunt him for the rest of existence.

The first raindrops started to fall a few moments later. “Odd,” commented Aziraphale, “the sky was clear just a minute ago.” The lightning struck nearby with deafening thunder and the wind picked up. It didn’t take even a minute for the rain to start coming down. People on the beach started rapidly picking up their belongings.

Crowley gave Gabriel a suspicious look. “Are you doing this?”

Gabriel was offended. “I am not.”

“Because sudden storms are your signature move.”

Gabriel bristled. “I can’t even do miracles, I told you.” Another lightning struck.

“Well, it isn’t as if the sudden changes in weather are unusual for England.” Aziraphale tried to defuse the tension. “Let’s take an example from these people and pack.”

Gabriel didn’t move from his spot. The waves had risen quickly and now reached his feet, washing away any evidence of the sandcastle. He lifted his face towards the sky, letting the rain flow across his face. Now that was nice. He felt like his soul was half asleep for the past few weeks and now he was waking up. He grinned.

“Let’s go, Gabriel,” Aziraphale called him.

Gabriel got up but he didn’t go to them. Instead, he shed his shirt and jumped into the heavy sea. He unfurled his wings. The waves slamming into them hurt a little but mostly he felt relief as the water washed away the dirt and the matted feathers that were so loose the slightest pull of the water carried them away. He found energy inside his corporation that he could now fly from one side of the galaxy to another in under two hours. Through with the state his wings were in it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Instead, he let the waves wash over his head and he submerged into the sea.

His euphoria left him once Aziraphale and Crowley dragged him to the shore.

“What the hell are you doing?” Crowley hissed him. Gabriel blinked away the salt water from his eyes. He couldn’t explain what he was doing.

“I just felt like this.” Crowley rolled his eyes. Gabriel was soaked and the water dripped from his soggy wings. He realized that he looked rather foolish. Aziraphale looked pale.

“Lord, I thought you were trying to drown yourself.”

That was just ridiculous. “No, I wasn’t.”

“Well, it certainly looked like it.”

Gabriel looked back to the ocean. The waves were now bigger than he was. He swallowed. In his frenzy, he didn’t even think of a fact that without miracles he could have easily drowned.

“Are you alright, Gabriel?” asked Aziraphale when he was quiet for too long.

“Yeah. Yeah. Let’s go home.”

Gabriel regretted his impulsive behavior once the water dried on his wings. The salt rubbed on the still tender spots on his wings and he had to finally succumb to the inevitable and clean them. And since the living room was the only room where he could spread his huge wings comfortably, he did that there in front of the television.

The television was something he watched now, although he still didn’t fully understand, which programs were real and which were made up. The things that were based on real events but changed gave him the most problems. He still couldn’t understand why Crowley raved and cried that some guy could get on some door too if the man wasn’t even real. But that ship was real, he assured Gabriel.

Aziraphale watched him from the armchair. “Do you want any help?” he asked as Gabriel struggled to remove a bothersome feather from his scapular that grew-in uncomfortably.

“No.” Gabriel gritted his teeth.

“I am concerned about you.” continued Aziraphale after Gabriel finally removed the feather and ditched it into a trash bag. “I am worried about you.”

“You don’t have to,” grumbled Gabriel. “I am alright.” And why wouldn’t he be? Sandalphon wasn’t present and Aziraphale and Crowley tolerated him so far. He was starting to feel safe.

“You aren’t alright.”

“He means to say you are acting weird. Even for you,” shouted Crowley from the next room, where he was tending to some plant and threatening it.

Gabriel bit his lip to stop an angry retort. “So maybe I am not alright. My boyfriend tried to kill me, all of Heavenly Host thinks I have gone mad and wants to wipe my mind and God is punishing me.”

Crowley poked his head inside the living room. “Whoa, why do you think God is punishing you? I thought she said nothing about all of that fiasco.”

Only via the Metatron. “Yes, she said nothing,” said Gabriel bitterly. “And she took my power from me.”

“I find it very hard to believe that she would punish you and not Sandalphon, an angel who abused you and raped you.” Crowley snorted at Aziraphale’s statement but he hushed him. “I don’t understand where this conviction that you are being punished is coming from. Punished for what?”

“Like you don’t know. I am not a very good angel, am I? Vain and prideful. And I am not a very good boss, am I? She is probably angry about what happened during the Armageddon. She is probably trying to teach me a lesson.” All this ordeal was probably to show him what he was really like. He was arrogant and overconfident and he had no reason for that. Sandalphon was a way to show him that. It was probably why the Almighty approved of their relationship.

“I think you are being too harsh on yourself.”

“How can you say that?” Gabriel was now aware of how he undermined Aziraphale at every step, how he dismissed him as a fool, how he mocked him in front of the other archangels for his weaknesses. Only for the principality to turn out to be much wiser...and kinder. He...well, he bullied him was probably the word as good as any. I am sorry for it, he wanted to say but the words refused to leave his mouth. And what good would apology make anyway? It was far too late. And he was Gabriel anyway. Didn’t the past few months show that he couldn’t change himself to make others happy? No, an apology would be meaningless if his stupid mouth went again and he did something harmful again.

Aziraphale pressed his mouth together. “Yes, I admit that you hurt my feelings sometimes and I dreaded your reviews. I often disagreed with Heaven, and your methods. But I never believed that you set out to hurt people, that whatever you did or said was done out of pure malice. Just...ignorance. I always thought if you and other angels allowed yourself to experience the Earth and saw that life is not as easy for humans like it might look from Heaven, you might appreciate it as much as I do. You just need a little bit more…” Aziraphale stopped to search for an appropriate word.

“Empathy?” suggested Crowley.

Gabriel didn’t even protest. The criticism was probably valid. He probably judged humanity too harshly. It seemed so easy. Gabriel was Good. Being Good came to him naturally that he didn’t understand why humans had to sin all the time. Except it turned out he wasn’t even so Good, even other angels, even his fellow archangels thought so. He just wasn’t a very good archangel in the first place. Archangels weren’t supposed to be accused of not having any empathy, by a demon of all beings, but Gabriel knew Crowley was right. Guiding souls to Heaven was just a job to him, a way to wage war by extension on Hell, he didn’t actually care if the humans ended up in Heaven or Hell. He knew that in order for the Armageddon to happen, all the humans would have to die, innocent and guilty alike, and it didn’t bother him. Their souls were immortal after all, and they would end up in Heaven or Hell anyway. Only humans made a big deal out of death.

“See, that’s why She is punishing me. To open my eyes.”

“I disagree. I don’t believe that people have to suffer just to change their ways. And Almighty isn’t so cruel to do something like this.” Aziraphale ignored another snort from Crowley. He had his faith and he came a long time ago to accept that Crowley had his disbelief.

“Then how do you explain it? Sandalphon is just a bad angel? He is an angel.”

“Sandalphon can’t be bad, because he is an angel, but you have been bad despite being an angel?” pointed out Crowley. “Sorry to tell you, Gabriel, but your reasoning makes no sense.”

“Have you considered that it might all be in your head?” asked Aziraphale delicately.

“So you think I am crazy too,” It didn’t even make Gabriel angry. He expected this to come sooner or later.

“No, I don’t think you are crazy, Gabriel,” Aziraphale assured him. “But a bad thing happened to you and sometimes people who had bad traumatic things happen to them convince themselves they did something to deserve it, so it makes sense to them. You convinced yourself that it’s punishment for doing something wrong.”

“I am not people.” protested Gabriel.

“I think we have more common with humans then you would suspect,” answered Aziraphale mildly. “I think you can now see that Heaven isn’t perfect.”

“Well, I don’t see what you want me to do about it.”

“You obviously don’t like talking about the details of what happened to me. Or Crowley. I thought it might be a good idea if you got some professional help.”

“Professional help?”

“He means a therapist,” explained Crowley.

“I don’t know what that is.”

“It is someone trained to help people in a difficult situation. Someone who can help you make sense of what happened. Someone who listens and doesn’t judge.”

Aziraphale was right. Just talking about Sandalphon was hard. Talking about it to a stranger? No. He shook his head. “I am not people.”

“You don’t have to decide right away. I could show you some options.”

“I said no.” Gabriel cringed. His refusal was a bit more forceful than he planned to. He stared at Aziraphale, but the angel didn’t look angry, more like resigned.

“Very well. But if you change your mind...or if you just want to talk to me...well, I think I am going to make myself a cup of tea.”

They left Gabriel alone to finish doing his wings. He felt exhausted and feeling that he messed up again. He didn’t even feel like getting up from the sofa and going to sulk to his room alone. Without meaning to he eventually fell asleep as he was to a newscaster talking about a mentally ill patient being kidnapped by two extremely dangerous criminals, unsure it was real news or just some part of the made-up program.

The last thing he felt was someone draping a blanket around him, but maybe that was just a dream.


	14. therapeutic activities

“What are you doing?”

Crowley jumped up and almost impaled himself on the gardening shears he was using to threaten the hedges and drive the point home that if they don’t man up and start growing properly, he will definitely use them.

“Satan's smelly socks, don’t sneak up on me!”

“Sorry,” said Gabriel in the tone of a voice he and Aziraphale both hated because he only said it on reflex and he didn’t really mean it. Often it seemed he didn’t even know what he was apologizing for. But no matter how many times they told him Gabriel just couldn’t stop. So Crowley passed it over with silence.

“What do you want, Gabriel?” That Crowley didn’t hear Gabriel approach was a worthy achievement. He was the demon who survived the first chaotic years of Hell without getting stabbed in the back. * 

* Not that Hell became any less chaotic. Crowley just aimed to spend as little time there as he could get away with.

It was unfair that such a big and lumbering person like Gabriel could move so quietly. He glanced at Gabriel’s feet. He wasn’t wearing shoes. Typical. Gabriel barely wore shoes once he started going outside. Crowley strongly suspected that he didn’t like the boots he miracled for him. They were heavy and not broken in. Part of him was very close to just conjuring shoes Gabriel would be comfortable in. It was the part of him that cried over romantic movies, that loved kids and slipped coins into beggars pockets. But there was still a bit of demonic part in him that viewed the archangel as a foe and that was still angry about the countless indignities he exposed his angel to. That part was in constant conflict with his nice side. 

The nice Crowley pitied Gabriel. He was so obviously wrecked and confused. His confidence had been torn to shreds and he jumped at shadows. The slightest things could set him off. Like when he stepped on the bee. Crowley wasn’t even sure if he broke down crying because his foot had swollen to twice its size or because he felt sorry for the bee.

The demonic the more untrusting part of Crowley expected Gabriel to revert to being a total twat. To one day turn around and say something hurtful to Aziraphale, to go back to his old bullying ways. The longer they failed to manifest and Crowley started to relax around Gabriel, the more on edge this part of him was.

"Why are you shouting at the hedge?” Gabriel’s face was genuinely puzzled. 

“Their leaves are thin.” sneered Crowley, giving the hedges one more scolding glare. “They have to do better.”

Gabriel’s puzzled expression became even more so. “Why?”

“Please, they really let themselves go. Our neighbour can see right into our bedroom and I don’t like it. She is far too nosy.”

Crowley didn’t like their neighbour, a woman in her late sixties, who spent most of her time pulling weeds from her extensive vegetable garden or peeking from her kitchen window. Crowley’s dislike wasn’t based on the fact that she tried giving him some advice on using the fertilizer. No matter what Aziraphale said. She wasn’t just a harmless old lady like he claimed. Crowley felt bad vibes coming from her and he was just sure she was up to no good. 

“But how does shouting at it help?”

“It instills discipline. These hedges need a strong hand, so they don’t think they can just slack off.”

“Oh,” said Gabriel, clearly not understanding. “I didn’t know plants had developed auditory senses already. Or a nervous system capable of processing it. And enough self-awareness to understand.”

Three weeks ago, Crowley would have suspected that Gabriel was mocking him. Now he suspected that the archangel was really so guileless and how to put it gently...an idiot. He leaned forward inspecting the scrubs as if they could start talking to him.

“They don’t.”

Gabriel blinked slowly. “Then what purpose does shouting at them achieve?”

“It makes me feel better,” mumbled Crowley.

“Huh?” 

Crowley gave a resigned sigh. “Don’t you want to sometimes punch something when you are angry and miserable? Or just shout someone down, to make him just as miserable as you?”

At first Gabriel’s face contorted into disgust, but gradually his face cleared. He had to admit to himself that sometimes he was short with these under him. It must have been horrible working under him after the Apocalypse and when his problems with Sandalphon started, he was even more short-tempered. He made poor Haniel cry on several occasions.

“But how does shouting at plants help?”

“Well, it’s better to shout at the plants than at Aziraphale, isn’t it? Or other people. Why don’t you try it? Come on, scold them!”

“Umm.” Gabriel looked at Crowley uncertainly. 

“There is really nothing to be afraid of. They are just plants and you are a big mean archangel.”

Gabriel took one uncertain step forward. “And that really works?”

Crowley grinned. “Like a charm.”

“Um,” Gabriel cleared his throat hesitantly, “you are very naughty plants and should...go to Hell.” 

Crowley rolled his eyes. “You have to actually make some effort. Like that, the plants will just run roughshod all over you. Here.” Crowley lifted his sunglasses and glared on the hedges so hard that if looks could kill, they would be wilted by now. “You and you. Don’t think I don’t see you slacking off. That.Is.Not Acceptable. You better plant up, or you know what will happen.” Crowley clicked his garden shears threateningly. “See, easy. Now try it.”

“Alright. You lazy disrespectful buggers, how dare you not to grow….I can’t do that. It just makes me feel stupid.”

Crowley swallowed his retort if Gabriel felt more stupid than usual. If Aziraphale was here he would give Crowley disapproving look, even if in private he would agree that Gabriel wasn’t the most pristine feather in the plummage. Luckily Aziraphale wasn’t here. He was in the local library attending a public reading of regional romantic poets with about two other people who were interested*. “Well, everybody has different coping methods. We just have to find what yours is.”

*Or so Crowley presumed. He would rather let himself be dragged back to Hell than to a reading of obscure romantic poets. In his mind, Romantics were a bunch of fake posers. Gabriel, in his ignorance and efforts to look like he was taking an interest in the human culture, agreed to come last time. Aziraphale returned in a huff, complaining that Gabriel’s constant fidgeting was extremely annoying and was relieved when Gabriel declined his invitation this time.

“Try punching it?” suggested Crowley.

“What? Why?”

“Just imagine it’s Sandalphon. Don’t you want to punch him?”

Gabriel only paled. His hands shook and he shook his head mutely. “I don’t want to punch him.” He could only remember Heaven’s reaction when everyone thought that he attacked Sandalphon. He didn’t want to confirm their assumption.

“I don’t want to punch him,” he said with a shaky voice. If Sandalphon appeared in front of him right now, he would probably try to run away. Maybe running away was his coping mechanism. 

“Right. Stupid idea anyway. You shouldn’t solve your problems by punching stuff.” Crowley exhaled. “You know what, let’s try another kind of therapy.”

“I already said I don’t want any kind of therapy.”

“I meant shopping therapy. You need some real clothes anyway.”

  
  


Sometime later Bentley was barrelling down the road, heading towards the closest bigger city. That was a nice thing about Gabriel, Crowley admitted to himself. He didn’t complain about his driving. Even though it was probably because he didn’t know anything about traffic laws.

“Won’t be Aziraphale disappointed he didn’t get to come along?” asked Gabriel tad nervously.

“Nah. One thing you need to know about him unless it concerns good food or some rare book, he prefers to stay in. He is a domestic kind of angel.”

“Well, we could just take him to eat somewhere during the trip,” said Gabriel. He missed Aziraphale. Belatedly he realized that he got into the car with a demon without a by your leave. Crowley was nice to him for most of the time he spent with them, even if he was sometimes snappy and Gabriel didn’t always understand the meaning behind some of his remarks. But he was still a demon and he didn’t entirely trust him. And Aziraphale wasn’t around to keep him on a leash. 

“Really. And you would tolerate that? You leave the room the moment someone opens a packet of crisps.”

Gabriel didn’t know what was wrong with that. The crunching sound was nauseating and it made a mess. “I don’t like consuming food myself, but I don’t stop anyone from enjoying it if they want it.” Even if he didn’t understand. For him, it was like buying a winter coat when one was living in a desert.

Crowley stared at Gabriel in surprise for so long he almost crashed into the lorry ahead of them. He swerved at the last moment. Bentley knew better than to get into the skid.

“Look at you, actually getting some character growth.”

“Is that another pop-cultural reference?” Gabriel asked. The worst thing about watching TV with Crowley present was that he had a need to comment on everything.

“Sort of.”

An hour later the two of them stood in a shop examining a row of suits. Crowley turned out to be a bit fashionista himself, even if his style was markedly different, and they spent some time debating whether Italian, English or American style cut was better while the shop attendant flicked her eyes between them nervously.

“You know, you don’t have to buy only suits. It makes you look like you are working all the time. Buy something casual and comfortable too.”

“I am comfortable in suits.” he pretty much wore them since humans invented them. And he wore them almost all the time because, well, technically he was always on the job. Except now he didn’t have any job to do. He moved to the casual section all the same.

“Of course you can buy what you want.” Crowley followed him. “This was just a suggestion.”

But Gabriel was already examining short-sleeved shirts. And what a radical idea was that. Gabriel didn’t reveal that much of his skin since the times of Pharaohs. He studiously avoided looking at the darker colours even if he thought that he would look good in dark blue - or even charcoal grey. Unfortunately, Crowley noticed his lingering gaze.

“You don’t have to wear all the whites too.”

“Angels wear light colours. Demos dark. It was always like that.”

“Please, we don’t have to follow this black and white division all the time. We can wear any colour we like.”

“You wear black,” argued Gabriel.

“Yeah, because it’s stylish, not because I am a demon!” said Crowley. The shop attendant who followed them ready to offer helpful advice bulged her eyes. “Really there is no law in Heaven’s Rulebook to forbid wearing black. I know for a fact that a lot of demons don’t wear black. There is one who dresses only in pink.”

That was the problem of Heaven. There was no rule, Crowley was right, only an unwritten one. Angels didn’t wear dark colours so as not to be confused with demons. Generally, if Demons wore it or did it, it was a no-no in Heaven. Which made their choices quite limited. 

What would other angels think if Gabriel showed up in a black suit? It would probably be another proof for them that he had lost his mind. But Gabriel was tired of trying to convince Heaven of his truth. They threw him to a wolf, they had no right to judge his decisions - even in the privacy of his mind. Almost as a resistance, he picked a blue shirt so dark it would cause a scandal in Heaven and another so deep red he felt naughty and rebellious. Crowley winked at him when they rung the purchases. Approval of a demon shouldn’t feel as good as it did.

They visited a few more shops where Crowley tempted Gabriel to some more daring purchases, although convincing him to buy skinny jeans and a printed t-shirt would probably require more work. Crowley put it on his to-do list. He himself tried on and bought more clothes than he strictly needed, but asking Gabriel for his opinion was kind of fun. The archangel turned out to have a good eye for colour and whether something clashed with his hair or not and which clothes complimented his figure. In all, it was a pleasantly spent afternoon. 

So, of course, Gabriel had to go and ruin it. Except it wasn’t really Gabriel’s fault. It was Heaven’s. So Heaven had to go and ruin it.

They just about reached the Bentley when Gabriel noticed something at the newsstand. A face that looked like his.

“It’s me!” he concluded once he wandered closer and picked up the newspaper. “And there is you and Aziraphale too.” Gabriel wondered why would their pictures were in human newspapers, but before he could start deciphering the headline, Crowley snatched the papers from his hands.

He skimmed the article. “What?! That’s bullshit!” 

Now Gabriel was worried. “What’s going on? What does it say?”

“It says we kidnapped you! That we are dangerous criminals and you are mentally ill patient and we are going to do...um, bad things to you.”

“But that’s not right!”

Crowley didn’t answer, just grabbed Gabriel and dragged him to the Bentley who was now right in front of them. “Wait, you didn’t pay.” The man behind the stand stared at them with his mouth in the shape of o. 

“Fuck paying.” Crowley pushed Gabriel into the car and before the archangel could sit properly they were speeding down the road. “I didn’t expect Heaven to be smart enough to pull something like this!”

“It was Heaven? But the article was lying!” Knowingly lying wasn’t like Heaven.

Crowley gave him an incredulous look. “Gabriel, they want to find you at all cost. They don’t care about being nice about it. If they have to use humans...we didn’t even attempt to disguise themselves. A lot of people must have recognized us. That explains why that crone next door poked her nose over our fence all the time...fuck! Aziraphale.” Bentley wobbled from side to side as Crowley’s hands tried to decide if to reach for his phone or keep driving and speed up. He solved it by tossing the phone to Gabriel, glad that he insisted that Aziraphale had means to reach him if he went outside alone.

“Call him! Tell him to wait in front of the library and we are getting out of here right now.”

Gabriel obeyed. The phone rang several times. “He isn’t picking up.”

“Just keep calling.” Crowley worried his lip. It still meant nothing. Aziraphale would turn the sound off while in the library. 

Finally, someone picked up. “Aziraphale, you have to go…” Gabriel started but he was interrupted almost at once.

“Gabriel? Is that you?” the voice on the other side sounded relieved. But it wasn’t Aziraphale.

“Uriel?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One long chapter or a cliffhanger? Cliffhanger it is.


	15. (don't) panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Gabriel try to create a plan. They aren't very good.

Gabriel almost dropped the phone. Beside him, Crowley froze and turned the wheel at the last moment.

“Gabriel! Where are you? Are you safe?”

“How did you get Aziraphale’s phone?” It was a stupid question. Gabriel knew that the moment the words left his mouth. There was only one way Uriel might have got their hands on Aziraphale’s phone. 

Naturally, Uriel ignored his question. “Just tell me where you are. We'll come and get you.” That sentence didn’t sound as reassuring as Uriel probably hoped. Gabriel clenched his fingers.

“What have you done to Aziraphale?” his voice sounded weak and scared even to himself.

“You don’t have to be afraid of him anymore, Gabriel. We’ve got him in custody. He won’t do anything to you anymore.”

“No! Uriel. He didn’t do anything to me. Please, don’t hurt him.”

“He is in league with a demon! He is manipulating you.” Uriel’s voice sounded pleading. “Please, just tell me where you are. You’ll be safe, I promise.”

The worst thing was that Uriel sounded genuine, that they believed what they were saying was the absolute truth. He was saved from answering by Crowley slamming on the break and snatching the phone from Gabriel.

“Uriel.” Crowley’s voice was icy cold. 

“Demon Crowley.” Uriel spat with equal frost. It actually felt like the temperature in the Bentley dropped by several degrees. Gabriel pricked up his ears to hear what Uriel said. “Release Gabriel right now and we can part ways peacefully.”

“Yeah, sorry, I can’t do that. I am not Gabriel’s jailer.”

“Don’t take me for an idiot. Gabriel would never willingly stay with a demon anywhere.”

“Then you are an idiot. We are actually shopping right now. And you are kinda ruining our day.”

“I don’t believe you. Gabriel…”

“Gabriel can tell you himself. You will believe him, won’t you?”

Crowley pressed the phone back to Gabriel’s ear. His voice shook as he opened his mouth. He had only a short window to convince Uriel that he was alright, that he wasn’t in any danger from Aziraphale and Crowley. But deep inside he knew it would be impossible. When did Uriel listen to him since all of this started? They were stubborn and once they formed an opinion it was extremely difficult to convince otherwise. In short, they were a typical angel. Just like Gabriel. So the question was how would he convince himself if the situation was reversed. If only he had more time to think it through... This way, he could only beg.

“Uriel, stop this! I came to Aziraphale for help. I am fine, he did nothing to hurt me. Please, just let him go.”

“Touching if I didn’t know that the demon forced you to say this,” growled Uriel. “Here’s the deal, demon.” Uriel’s voice was strong enough even though the phone’s speaker that it echoed maliciously through the Bentley. “You will deliver Gabriel back to us, unharmed, and I will release your...lover. If you even want him back.”

“You want to make a deal with a demon?!” Crowley hissed back. “Alright, so listen. Do you know what an angel roasted on the hellfire smells like? Because I will send you Gabriel as dinner if you hurt one feather on Aziraphale’s wings, do you understand.”

“I am an angel. I don’t revel in gratuitous violence.”  _ What do you take me for? _ lay unsaid in their voice. ”Nothing will happen to Aziraphale as long as you will bring Gabriel back. If you fail to do that? There are many more ways to hurt angels than hellfire. Do you want to see him again? Then cooperate. Are you ready to discuss terms?”

“Fuck you!” spat Crowley. “I am a demon, not a naive little cherub. You lot have proved again and again you can’t be trusted. I’ll be seeing you. On my terms.” Crowley turned off the phone and tossed it to the backseat. Not even his sunglasses could fully hide the ominous glow of his eyes. 

“Hey, I didn’t mean it.” Only when Crowley touched his shoulder Gabriel realized that he was shaking. He felt cold and he felt that all the blood drained from his face. “I am not going to roast you or anything. I just said that so Uriel thought I am serious.”

Gabriel shook his head mutely. That was not it. Even if Crowley could threaten him or do him anything to get Aziraphale back, strangely Gabriel didn’t feel afraid. At least not for himself. He wetted his lips. “You should just have done what Uriel wanted.”

“You are kidding, right?” Gabriel just gave Crowley a blank look. “You aren’t kidding.”

“I don’t understand. Uriel won’t risk that something happens to me,” at least it sounded like this. Gabriel had to hope it did. “If you had just listened to them, I would go with them and they would release Aziraphale at once.”

“Listen, Gabriel, it’s cute that you have so much faith in your heavenly colleagues. I don’t. I am just one lone demon. The moment Uriel knows where we are, the whole of the Host will descend on us, deal or no deal. They will take you away and keep Aziraphale. Unless you want to go back to Heaven. Do you want to go back to Heaven?”

Gabriel’s voice was weak when he answered. He knew very well where he ranked in value for the demon in comparison to Aziraphale. “I probably should. Aziraphale…”

Crowley interrupted him. “Let me tell you what happens if everything works out how you imagine,” and Crowley’s tone suggested that nothing would certainly work out the way Gabriel imagined. “First, Aziraphale would be angry with me for just letting you go in exchange for him. Second, he would turn around and try to storm Heaven in some foolish attempt to rescue you.”

“So it’s my fault.”

“Why? Did you plan this?” Crowley dismissed him. “So stop crying about it and help me rescue the angel.”

“But how?”

“First we’ll need a clever plan.”

….

Gabriel never actually made a clever plan. Oh, he thought he made some once or twice but they turned out to be not so clever. So he usually left planning for Michael. Gabriel’s general approach to things was just to swoop in, do what he needed and trust in his immense power and the Almighty to take care of all the snags. 

It turned out making a clever plan was as hard as he remembered. 

“You are a big boss up there. You must know all the back entrances.” mused Crowley over the cup of a very strong coffee. What he wanted, he explained, was to get smashed, but couldn’t afford to in the present situation.

“Yeah,” Gabriel agreed, “but so does Uriel and Sandalphon. They would be stupid not to have them watched.”

“Aziraphale had a portal in his bookshop.”

“That’s for communication only. It can’t transfer matter. And it has to be authorized anyway.”

“I guess we can’t just march up to the front entrance.” 

Gabriel didn’t dignify the idea with a reply. The silence settled over the two of them. “What I would give for another stupid prophecy,” muttered Crowley.

“What?” 

“Nothing.” Crowley elaborated at Gabriel’s inquisitive look. “I am just remembering the last time Aziraphale was dragged to Heaven.”

Gabriel grimaced. He tried to console Crowley somehow. “At least they can’t burn him in Hellfire.” through maybe it wasn’t that consoling as Gabriel intended. There were other means to hurt the angel. He knew it very well. The wound at Gabriel’s side was almost fully healed, but it still itched and stang occasionally if he moved too fast. 

Crowley grimaced in return. Maybe reminding him of the time Gabriel tried to burn Aziraphale to ciders wasn’t a good idea. 

“There just have to be some way for us to sneak to Heaven.”

“Well, it’s just too well guarded. They will spot us the first moment we show our faces. I think I just have to go there. And if they don’t want to exchange Aziraphale in return...well, I guess I’ll just have to try and convince them.” Gabriel knew he was beating his wings uselessly against the strong wing. He wasn’t able to convince anyone of anything. 

Not that Crowley was paying any attention to him. He was staring at the wall behind Gabriel. “Faces.”

“Sorry?”

“I know a way to get into Heaven. We can even use the front entrance.”

“How?”

“We just can’t look too much like us. Or at all.”

“I think guards aren’t that stupid they wouldn’t see through a disguise. And they would sense you are a demon,” said Gabriel.

“We just need different corporations.”

Gabriel frowned at Crowley dubiously. “I don’t think there are any just lying around.”

Crowley took a deep breath. “Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith,” he said more to himself than to Gabriel. “Let me explain how we survived our punishments.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is way under my average word count. Sorry? Maybe it means that the next update will come sooner than the next weekend?


	16. like god

Uriel’s face went through several expressions in the course of the call. Relief at hearing Gabriel’s voice was replaced by frustration then by anger that turned to rage. Other emotions joined in - fear and sadness, making Uriel’s face twitch unnaturally. 

After the call, they hung their head for a moment, took a deep breath and squared their shoulders. A part of Aziraphale felt with them. It was obvious that Uriel did care about Gabriel, that they worried about his safety and well-being. He just couldn’t approve of the way they were going around it. 

“Did it ever occur to you that Gabriel is telling the truth?”

Uriel glared at him. “On what basis it should occur to me? His bizarre behaviour? That he went to you for _help?_ He doesn’t act like himself and you have something to do with it.”

Aziraphale had to point out the obvious “Gabriel was acting differently even before he came to me. And I bet his bizarre behaviour, as you call it, started the moment or shortly after he and Sandalphon became a _couple._ ”

Uriel snorted. “Of course, as always let’s blame everything on Sandalphon. He is a hundred times the angel you could ever hope to be. I’ve known him for thousand of years, he always loved Gabriel. And I never believe that he would willingly hurt him. No, it’s obvious now that you have played mind games with Gabriel for far longer than we suspected.”

“What?” Aziraphale blurted out. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t you deny it. I always found it suspicious how Gabriel let you get away with slacking on your assignments and let you sit comfortably in your den and gorge yourself on human garbage. You never completed your paperwork on time, but he always gave you another extension. You always went over your miracle quota but he always signed off on them, barely giving you a reprimand. He always made excuses for you. He refused to believe that you betrayed us even after Michael showed him the evidence. I always thought he just had a soft spot for you, but the truth was much darker, wasn’t it? You were laying some dark miracle with the demon since the beginning, to make Gabriel overlook your transgressions.”

Aziraphale had to blink at Uriel’s mental gymnastics. “Wait a minute. So Sandalphon couldn’t do anything wrong because he is an angel, but I could?” This kind of discrimination was kind of insulting.

“Are you? Are you even an angel anymore?”

Aziraphale sighed. It was hopeless to talk Uriel around. He would have more success arguing with the Almighty. He decided to change the topic. “What happens to me now?”

Uriel gave him a sardonic smile. “Don’t worry. You will be taken to Heaven. No-one will psychically hurt you. Just better hope that you have that demon properly trained and he lets Gabriel go soon.”

Aziraphale hoped the opposite. He hoped that Crowley and Gabriel were now on their way to another continent entirely. But he was worried that Crowley wasn’t that reasonable. He was worried that Crowley will attempt to rescue him and come to harm. The only chance was that Gabriel would convince him otherwise, but Aziraphale found it hard to guess what Gabriel would do these days.

Uriel turned to Kushiel and Zachariel. Heaven played their ruse well. Both angels were dressed as genuine police officers. Even the handcuffs they placed on his wrists when they came to “arrest” him looked authentic. the only difference was that these cuffs were made out of celestial steel, to prevent him from performing any miracles. And they were strong enough that probably only an archangel would be able to open them. 

“You stay here and watch the house. In case the demon decides to come with Gabriel.” 

Aziraphale hoped even more that Crowley wouldn’t be so stupid. There was nothing useful for him left. At least Kushiel and Zachariel were out of the search.

…..

They left the Bentley at the edge of the village and traveled the rest on foot. Now, Crowley and Gabriel were crouching behind a hedge watching a pair of angels also hiding behind a hedge. 

“Right, we actually have an advantage. So we sneak up on them, knock them down, tied them down while they are down....Are you even listening to me? You aren’t scared, are you?”

Gabriel shook his head. But his appearance suggested otherwise. He was pale and tense and he wasn’t even looking at Crowley but slightly above his shoulder.

“It isn’t about attacking your fellow angels and stealing their corporations, is it? I promised nothing bad will happen to them and you already agreed to it.”

Gabriel did agree to that. He didn’t like it. He didn’t exactly want to attack Kushiel and Zachariel, he felt like it was another step he was taking away from Gabriel Heaven’s loyal archangel towards Gabriel, a wanted fugitive. One day the excuse that he is sick and doesn’t know what he is doing is going to run out. And Crowley’s idea was insane. Unfortunately, he didn’t see any other option and Gabriel owed Aziraphale for his selflessness and kindness. “No, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Crowley tried not to raise his voice, but Gabriel’s sudden qualms were getting on his nerves. He was nervous too. He was never stupid enough to attack two angels who so vastly outpowered him. He was kind of hoping that Gabriel gets himself together and the current situation didn’t inspire confidence.

“It’s just, what if it doesn’t work? And we don’t see Aziraphale ever again?”

Crowley could feel a lump in his throat forming. Why did Gabriel have to bring this up? Crowley was desperately trying not to think about this eventuality. “Well, then at least we’ve tried to do something.”

Gabriel looked down at his feet. “I just...I never actually told Aziraphale I am sorry. And now I might never get the chance.”

Crowley snorted and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. “You said sorry plenty of times.”

“Not like that. I never apologized for treating him so wretchedly. I should have been a better boss and a better friend. Instead, I just...made him to feel inferior. No wonder he felt so alienated he sought out your company.”

Crowley struggled to find words to say to that. Eventually, he settled on, “Well, we have to do our best to rescue him, so you can apologize properly.”

Gabriel nodded with a new resolve, but they were interrupted by a cough above them. Crowley yelped, lost his balance and landed on his butt. 

“Gabriel, move away from the demon,” ordered Zachariel.

Gabriel got off the ground with the fakest smile in the history of the fakest smiles. “Zachariel! And Kushiel! I need a favor. Can I borrow your corporation?”

Kushiel just opened his mouth but no sound came out.

“Gabriel, be quiet.” snapped Zachariel. “You are under the demon’s control. We aren’t taking any orders from you until you are taken to Heaven to be cleansed.”

“You never listened to me in the first place.” despite his annoyed tone, Gabriel kept the wide grin on his face. “This just going to be easier if you do what I want willingly.”

Kushiel grabbed Gabriel’s hand. “Gabriel, come with us. We will deal with the demon. Once his dark influence is gone, your mind will clear and you’ll feel better.”

Gabriel’s grin dropped. “You think some Hell’s nobody could put a spell on me?!” he sneered. “I am tired of everybody thinking I am crazy. Got it.”

“Sir, please…” 

There was a distant sound of thunder, despite the sky being clear. A sudden gush of strong wind knocked the angels down and the hedges moved to trap them. Light blue light materialized in Kushiel’s palm but Gabriel waved his hand and Kushiel yelped in pain as his own miracle was extinguished like a candle. Heaven marketed themselves in last thousand years as cute harmless cupids but now Gabriel looked a proper wrathful angel of the Old Testament, his posture proud, his eyes glowing purple.

“Archangel fucking Gabriel, huh?” muttered Crowley.

Then the wind went down as suddenly as it appeared and Gabriel slumped on himself. “I don’t want to hurt you.” he turned to the struggling angels pleadingly. “Please, just do as I ask.”

Kushiel’s voice wasn’t any less pleading. “Gabriel, please, don’t do this. You would never help a demon to get into Heaven. It’s not like you, can’t you see it? There is still time to turn back before you do anything you regret.”

Gabriel worried his lip and Crowley decided to intervene before the angels actually convinced Gabriel of the wrongness of his actions. “Your corporations, gentleman.”

It took some more threatening to get Zachariel and Kushiel to trade their corporation and still, the experience was not as smooth and effortless as with Aziraphale. His stolen corporation tingled all over and beside him, Gabriel looked like he was going to be sick.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Gabriel muttered, once their prisoners were properly tied and rendered unconscious. “They will really hate me in Heaven now.”

Crowley patted his shoulder. “It’s already done. If it comes to that I forced you to do it. What do you really want anyway? Aziraphale free or Heaven’s good opinion?”

“Aziraphale back.” Crowley was glad to hear no hesitation in Gabriel’s voice, no pause to think it over. 

“London, then?”

“London,” agreed Gabriel.

They headed to the Bentley.

“And one more thing, Hell’s nobody?”

“No offense, but it’s kind of truth.”

“Offense taken.”

“You are as low on Hell’s hierarchy as the Fallen angel can be. You are so beneath Aziraphale in rank you are lucky he even took notice of you.”

“That I am. But then, that’s Aziraphale for you.”

……

They locked him in a bare cell and left him. A poetic part of him wanted to add that then they threw away the key. And it might even be true. If Heaven manages to find Gabriel on their own, if Crowley does anything foolish…

Uriel only promised he wouldn’t be physically harmed. Aziraphale was well-versed in the ways Heaven could harm him by other means. And most of the time they didn’t even do it intentionally. What could they come up with if they actually planned to do it?

But there was nothing he could actually do from the confines of his prison, his powers bind and hostile angels all over the place. He settled for a long wait.

The wait turned out not to be so long.

Aziraphale estimated that barely an hour passed before the door to his cell opened and Michael strode in.

“Back finally?” Aziraphale noted that Michael wasn’t dressed in her usual suit and frilly shirt, but much more practical and sturdier traveling clothing. Did Michael just arrive in Heaven and headed straight to him? 

“Be quiet.” she snapped her fingers and a table and two chairs appeared opposite each other. “Sit down.”

Aziraphale obeyed. Michael didn’t appear to be in a joking mood, in fact, she looked like she were on a warpath. As Aziraphale sat down she took the second chair. “Tell me what’s going on with Gabriel.”

“Why?” In Aziraphale’s experience from the last few weeks, the angels didn’t want to know what was going on with Gabriel. The angels were convinced they already knew what was going on and didn’t stop to ask questions.

Michael glared at him. “I got back to Heaven only to find the whole place in chaos. And on the way here I heard three different versions of what happened. One claims that Gabriel went crazy and tried to kill Sandalphon. Other claims that _you_ and your demon lover kidnapped him. And last one, least supported one, claims that Sandalphon abused Gabriel and he ran away to get your help.”

Aziraphale was surprised that such a version even circulated in Heaven and there were angels who believed it. 

“Well, speak up. You were the last person in here who had any proper contact with him.”

There was a golden opportunity to get Michael on their side. It would help Gabriel immensely and if he played his cards well, he could even get himself and Crowley out of trouble. On the other hand, he wondered why would Michael even believe him. Aziraphale would hardly admit to kidnapping Gabriel. Least of all to Michael.

She scared him. Admittedly she scared anyone with two brain-cells in Heaven. She was the one who cast out Lucifer and she did so brutally and mercilessly. Everybody was worried about getting on the wrong side of her wrath one of these days. 

Aziraphale was actually relieved when he was assigned to Earth operations under Gabriel and not only because he could spend time on Earth. He was glad not to be serving under Michael who demanded excellence in all things. Gabriel was, admittedly, a bad and neglectful boss that had no idea what Aziraphale actually did and what challenges he faced down there. But he was easily convinced to be lenient. Sometimes Aziraphale felt bad for tricking him because the archangel was so gullible. 

“Right. Gabriel crashed into my bookshop…” 

Aziraphale decided to be as precise and economical in his retelling as he could. He knew Michael liked efficiency.

Gabriel was hurt. He claimed Sandalphon did it. His wings were in the state and he didn’t want anyone to touch him. He was emotionally and mentally exhausted, he jumped at the shadow, had nightmares he couldn’t really hide from Aziraphale and Crowley and he easily broke down crying. His confidence was shot to Hell and he was convinced that he was somehow bad. In Aziraphale’s opinion, Gabriel exhibited the signs of an abused person as his limited understanding of psychology allowed him. The most important thing for Aziraphale was to describe the incident with Sandalphon they witnessed as close to reality as it happened. For her part Michael let him talk without interrupting.

“No comment on how Sandalphon is an angel and he would never do something like this?” Aziraphale couldn’t help but ask sardonically.

“I've known Sandalphon for ages,” said Michael. “I know very well what he is capable of. If I was here I would never allow him to get so close under Gabriel’s skin.”

Michael leaned across the table and snapped Aziraphale’s handcuffs off. He stared at his free wrists in surprise. 

“Get up and follow me.”

Aziraphale hastily set out after her. Michael walked out of the room at a quick pace and he had to run to catch up with her. 

“Where are we going?”

“Earth,” said Michael. “I want to hear the whole story from Gabriel. It’s the only way to get the entire truth. You are going to help me find him.”

“I don’t actually know where they are. If Crowley and Gabriel are smart, they would be halfway across the globe by now.”

“Nonsense. Your demon at the very least will come running once you are within his reach. And you are going to help me convince Gabriel to come to see me. For some reason, he seems to trust you.”

They got many odd looks walking across the halls of Heaven. Many angels must have been wondering why was Michael calmly walking with an angel who was a public enemy number one, who was recently arrested and who allegedly hurt Archangel Gabriel. And he was not even restrained. Michael ignored them and so did Aziraphale.

They got into the lobby and they got onto the escalator going down. Halfway down they ran into Kushiel and Zachariel who were traveling in the opposite direction. Weren’t they supposed to stay and guard the cottage? Why were they coming back? Plus their behavior was positively weird. The moment the two angels spotted them, they actually started backing back down on the stairs and Zachariel started to make strange gestures at Aziraphale.

“Michael!” shouted Kushiel. “You are back! Where are you going?” There was no deference for his superior in his voice. 

“No of your concern,” said Michael, with an undertone suggesting that Kushiel was far down beyond her notice and he should better not bother her.

“Michael, wait!” Zachariel tried to grab Kushiel by his police jacket, but the other angel was faster. He actually ran down the moving stairs by two. Since they were moving up, he looked ridiculous.

Michael growled and stopped the stairs. “You two. Don’t think I didn’t hear about your role in the recent events. You seemed to have forgotten that you work under me and your job is to protect Heaven, not under Sandalphon as his thugs. I expect a good explanation once I am back. Hunting down an archangel on another archangel’s whim is not conduct befitting Heaven’s finest soldiers. You better hope that Gabriel is alright and he hasn’t got any complaint about yu two once I find him.”

Were these tears in Kushiel’s eyes? Was he feeling bad for being reprimanded? Michael was about to snap her fingers again to get te stairs moving again, but Kushiel interrupted again.

“You believe me over Sandalphon?”

“What? What are you talking about?” Michael squinted at Kushiel. Behind him, Zachariel waved his hands frantically but no-one was paying him any mind.

Kushiel wiped his tears. “You don’t think I am crazy, right?”

Michael’s expression suggested that she thought just that. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh,” Kushiel’s face cleared. “It’s me, Gabriel.”

“What?!”

Zachariel sighed and shook his head.

“Oh. I think Gabriel borrowed Kushiel’s corporation. And if I am not mistaken, the other one is Crowley.” explained Aziraphale. Crowley-in-Zachariel gave him a cheeky wave.

Michael examined Gabriel suspiciously. “Is that right?”

Gabriel nodded. The tears still flowed from his face but he was smiling. “Michael, it’s good to see you.”

“Where are the real Kushiel and Zachariel?”

“On Earth,” said Crowley. “They are alright, just a bit tied down.”

“Right,” Michale stared at Gabriel. “It’s good to see you too, Gabriel. I was just coming down to find you. This changes our plans. Let’s go back to my office and you can tell me what’s happening.”

Gabriel looked up uncertainly. He shook his head slightly. “I don’t think I want to go back here.”

Michael actually patted Gabriel’s shoulder awkwardly. “I won’t let anyone hurt you up there. Or take you away.”

“Do you meant it?”

Michael was never an affectionate angel. Some would even call her icy cold bitch. So Aziraphale was actually surprised to see her take Gabriel’s head between her hands and kiss him on the forehead.

“I promise it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel is all about giving his cover away, but then it's Michael, the only angel who has yet to betray him and he kinda jumps at the first suggestion that Michael doesn't believe the Gabriel-is-insane horseshit


	17. let's talk

Gabriel’s borrowed corporation was starting to feel cold as they ascended to Heaven. He felt dirty like he had just run twenty miles in the dusty desert but couldn’t wash away the dirt and sweat.

He was half scared that armed angels would wait at the top, but there were only the usual guards, trying not to wonder why Heaven’s general returned mere minutes after leaving. 

Michael walked briskly towards her office, not stopping for anything and anybody and the rest of them just had to try and keep up. Gabriel found it refreshing, walking the halls of Heaven in Kushiel's skin. The angels they met kept giving Michael covert glances full of curiosity and hints of hope and Kushiel, with his rank far beneath Michael’s, was outside their interest. It was almost amusing to watch how the lower-ranked angels straightened when they spotted Michael approaching. 

It had been several months since Gabriel walked the halls of Heaven without worrying about what others thought of him. If they could tell how incompetent he was without Michael holding his hand, if they all knew about Sandalphon, if the fact that he couldn’t do miracles was plain to see. Later, when things had got worse, respect the others had towards archangels wasn’t enough to stop them from approaching him and asking if he needed help. 

Now Gabriel wasn’t entirely sure why the opinion of the other angels mattered so much to him. He was the boss! Angels should be worried about what Gabriel thought of them, not the other way round. 

They entered Michael’s office. “You two wait here,” she said and walked into her inner office, expecting Gabriel to follow her. Michael was the only angel in Heaven who was granted an inner sanctum. The room offered the best view of Heaven in Gabriel’s opinion, but right now he felt no joy and pride at seeing it. No-one in Heaven begrudged Michael the extra space. She was the smiter of Lucifer, the leader of Heavenly armies, a shield that stood between Heaven and the darkness. She deserved it. Hardly anyone chose to remember that once upon the time, this was Lucifer’s office. When Lucifer fell and no-one wanted to claim his empty office, Michael took it for her own and connected it to her own adjacent office. 

The room was practically furnished yet still cozy and Michael led him to the sofa where they’d spent many hours in discussion.

“Tell me what happened.” 

“Didn’t they already tell you?”

Michael pursed her lips. “They told me a lot of confusing and contradictory things. I want to hear it from you.”

Gabriel was silent for a while, staring mulishly at the floor. Michael sat silently in her armchair, observing him, but otherwise not rushing him.

“I just messed everything up.” sighed Gabriel.

“How so?” 

Gabriel shrugged. “I am simply not good at it...all that relationship stuff. I could never make Sandalphon happy.”

Michael’s eye twitched. “Why do you believe something like that?”

“It’s obvious. I am not the most considerate person. I never was. It never occurred to me on my own to bring a gift or arrange a date. If I tried harder, Sandalphon would have never turned out like this. If I was just better I’d be easier to love.”

Michael grabbed his hand and squeezed them. “Gabriel, that’s not true.”

Gabriel yanked his hand back. “What of it is a lie then? I know it’s true. All I do is make people miserable. Maybe I am not made for relationships. I had one chance and I blew it.”

“Is that what Sandalphon told you? That no-one would love you?”

“He didn’t even have to,” muttered Gabriel. “It’s obvious.”

“It isn’t obvious to me. You act like you are some kind of monster that doesn’t even deserve love. That’s nonsense. I love you for one.”

Gabriel felt the blood draining from his face and his heart sinking. Michael loved him? The panic was rising inside his corporation. What will Michael require of him for her affection? Michael wouldn’t force him to do things he didn’t want to, would she? She was Michael! She was always by his side. Except after the last few months, Gabriel didn’t know who in Heaven to trust. Everything he believed seemed to be wrong. Angels he trusted turned out not to be as reliable as he had known them.

“You love me?” he couldn’t help but let a hint of dread seep into his voice.

“Of course I love you. You are my little brother.”

“Oh,” a wave of relief swept through Gabriel. “We aren’t actually siblings though.” After all, the angels had no parents unless you count their creator the Almighty and so they had no excuse for a biological relation. Depending on the way you looked at it, they were none related to each other at all or they were all siblings.

Michael moved from her armchair to sit next to Gabriel on the sofa. “We might as well be. How many things have we lived through together? Me and you, and Uriel and Raphael too. You want to tell me you don’t see me as your big sister?”

“I wasn’t sure.” He always saw Michael as someone he could always rely on. But he saw Raphael the same way and he decided to disappear. Gabriel always wondered if they did something to drive him away.

“What did Sandalphon say that you doubt me?”

“He said you don’t like it here. That you are glad to be sent away on a long mission, away from me. That you would stay away forever if you could.”

“I couldn’t stay away forever. I would miss you all. Sandalphon lied.”

“Why did you never answer? You barely sent reports.”

“I really was busy. And you know how I am with reports, and I was hoping that once I get home you’ll help me with it.” Michael took Gabriel’s face into her hands and spoke urgently to him. “If I knew you were in trouble, I would be back with a flap of a wing.” 

“I made the trouble for myself on my own. I am an Archangel, I shouldn’t wait for you to save me. I should be able to deal with it.”

“Not true. You entered into a relationship with Sandalphon in good faith. It’s not your fault he broke this trust, that he hurt you. That’s on him. And whatever you think you did to make him abuse you, you are mistaken. In fact, I feel partly responsible. I always knew there’s a beast hiding beneath his halo, but I never said anything. I thought if I just keep an eye on him, he will toe the line. And I knew he fancied you but I never warned you.”

“Why not?” Did Michael want him to suffer?

Michael only sighed. “He never actually did anything. Having a propensity for violence doesn’t mean you are going to be violent. If that was true I guess I should be locked away.” Michael closed her eyes. “You were supposed to be working with him closely, I didn’t want to color your view of him just because I was paranoid. And he never actually made one wrong step. I guess that I was lulled into a sense of safety too.”

Gabriel didn’t know what to think about that. He didn’t see why Michael should feel guilty. It wasn’t her job to lead Gabriel around by a hand. On the other hand, not having to convince Michael of Sandalphon’s true nature was relieving. And her words were doing something to Gabriel’s chest and eyes. 

“Now tell me what else had Sandalphon said and done.”

“Do you have to really hear it?” Now that Gabriel had no longer a reason to fear that Michael wouldn’t believe him he worried about something else. Her good opinion. Once he tells her what was happening between him and Sandalphon, she will see how stupid and incompetent he could be. And if he tells her how he decided to kill Sandalphon she may still change her mind about him being blameless. 

“Of course. So I can tell you that he lied and he was wrong.”

Even Michael’s reassurance didn’t make the words flow out of Gabriel. He stumbled over his sentences and struggled to describe the individual situations he got into. Sometimes he discovered that he no longer remembered what exactly happened, only Sandalphon’s retelling of it.

But Michael was patient with him, asking him questions and prying answers out of him with more questions. She never judged him and her face was impassive. And Gabriel discovered that talking actually made him feel better. It was like resting his wings after a long flight or like watching piles of paperwork disappear as he completed it. Now that he had to think back and put into the words what happened, his mind was clearer. He could now see where he made a mistake, where Sandalphon manipulated him, where Sandalphon had no right to be cross with him.

He could now see that Sandalphon greatly exaggerated the incident in the baths. Michael insisted, outraged, that Gabriel had the right to defend himself against unwanted physical advances and had much to say about other angels’ reaction. 

In retrospect, Gabriel shouldn’t have moved with Sandalphon so soon before he knew what he was getting into. He could see how his relationship with Sandalphon became less bearable after that, how his partner became more controlling after that.

Once they got to the worst, to the time where he was drugged and helpless and Sandalphon took what he wanted and raped him, Gabriel ended up crying in Michael”s arms. He didn’t even notice how tense she was, how rapidly her heart beat.

“I’ll get him,” growled Michael eventually, “and kill him for you.”

It was funny but through the previous conversation when Michael kept assuring him that she did care for him, Gabriel still had his doubt that Sandalphon seeded over previous months. But the threat of murder made him feel loved. 

“He said he loved me,” muttered Gabriel. “Why did he do this then?”

“Maybe he really believes it. Maybe he mistakes obsession with love. Does it matter? Did you?”

“Did what?”

“Did you love him? There must have been a reason you started dating him.”

Gabriel thought for a moment. “He was just always around. And he was always nice to me. I liked spending time with him. It was…” Gabriel searched for a proper word but he couldn’t one that would truly express his feelings so he finished lamely. “...tolerable. So I guess.”

Michael looked at Gabriel intently. “Just because someone is tolerable doesn’t mean you are in love with them.”

“But I thought… he was my friend first and then, Sandalphon wanted it so badly. I thought it was right. He said he loves me.”

“His feelings are his problems, not yours, Gabriel. You aren’t obligated to return them.”

“How would I even know? I suck at love.” 

“Did you want to spend your time with him above all else? Did you miss him when he wasn’t there? Did you want to bring joy to his eyes?”

Gabriel thought back to all the times he wished Sandalphon would just leave him alone. How the only times he wanted to make Sandalphon happy was when he didn’t want him to be angry with him. How he never thought to give him a gift without prompting, how he never took an initiative in their relationship.

Gabriel had thought that there was simply something wrong with the way he loved, that he was somehow lacking as an angel, a being that should naturally be made out of love. Until Michael lead him to this realization, it never even occurred to him that he might not love Sandalphon at all.

“Oh.”

Michael simply rubbed his back. They stayed in their position for some time, until Michael shifted. “We should get your corporation back. It’s strange hugging Kushiel.”

“I should probably apologize to them,” said Gabriel, coming back to reality. 

“After they apologize to you first.”

None of them actually made a move to get up from the sofa. Gabriel didn’t want to move. Now that Michael was back and he had someone who was unquestionably on his side, he felt safe and he didn’t want to leave that safety.

Shouting beyond the door of the office forced them out anyway.

“Michael. You are back.” Uriel said in a clipped voice once they emerged. “About time. Can you explain to me why you took my prisoner out of his cell and parade him across Heaven like he was your old friend?!”

“Aziraphale was most helpful in clearing some things up. And when we are at it, you can explain to me why our little brother is currently Heaven’s most wanted? I trusted that order would be maintained while I was away and instead return to chaos and find out that you let Gabriel be abused and made him a fugitive.” Michael sounded like a schoolmistress chastising a naughty student.

Uriel’s nostrils flared. “You have no right to accuse me of anything, showing up here weeks late. Where the hell you have been?! I sent you a missive weeks ago.”

Michael frowned. “The only communication I received was even more assignments. I only learned what is happening because a healer who abandoned her post came to find me.”

 _Sariel,_ thought Gabriel. He wanted to ask if she was alright but Uriel and Michael continued their glaring discussion.

“That’s not possible. I sent you multiple messages. I even sent a runner. He didn’t come back…”

“It seems someone interfered with our communications. And I think I know who,” growled Michael.

“You believe that Sandalphon blocked any messages meant for you,” commented Aziraphale calmly, as if he wasn’t between two mean-looking soldiers who held his hands firmly.

“I have wondered why I haven’t received any personal letters,” Michael glanced at Gabriel.

“Sandalphon kept helping Gabriel with his paperwork a lot,” Uriel admitted grudgingly. They and Michael watched each other speculatively. Uriel shook their head. “It doesn’t matter now. Now that you are here you can make yourself useful.”

“Oh,” Michael didn’t seem much to care for Uriel’s tone.

“We apprehended a demon trying to get into Heaven. He didn’t even try to be subtle about it. No doubt trying to rescue this one.” One hand waved towards Aziraphale. Uriel nodded back and soldiers dragged Crowley inside. Or rather Zachariel in Crowley’s body.

Real Crowley moaned despairingly and he had a reason to. Zachariel looked horrible. He limped heavily and one half of his face was blackened and left eyelid shut closed. Zachariel fixed his good eye on Michael. “He is deranged.”

Michael stared at Zachariel. “What happened? Where is Kushiel?”

“Sandalphon took him. He believes that he is Gabriel.”

Silence fell over the room. Confused in the case of Uriel and their soldiers, stunned in the case of Aziraphale, Michael, Gabriel, and Crowley. Then Crowley broke it.

“Uhoh.”


	18. give me strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the Czech government that closed all schools and gave me a day off to write this.

Gabriel paced the length of his office. He sat down and tapped his foot against the floor. Then he got up and paced some more. He sat down again.

“For someone’s sake, calm down and be still. You are driving me crazy.” 

Crowley was lounging on the sofa, feet propped on the armrest. Gabriel frowned. He didn’t like that sofa. He conjured it when he first told Sandalphon about his feelings and then he sort of forgot to unconjure it. He will have to get rid of it. Once Crowley wasn’t making himself comfortable on it.

“I should have gone with them,” said Gabriel.

“And do what?”

Gabriel threw up his hands. “I don’t know. But I hate being cooped up in here, not knowing what’s happening. What if someone gets hurt?” Because of me and I am not there to prevent it, his mind added but wisely didn’t say out loud. Over the past few weeks, he learned that Aziraphale and Crowley didn’t have much patience for his self-blaming. 

“You are one to talk,” muttered Crowley.

Gabriel felt bad for thinking only of himself. Crowley was a demon trapped in Heaven. Well, not exactly trapped. Officially he was an honored guest of Heaven until he recovered from Sandalphon’s smiting attempt. Michael had declared so. That didn’t make him any less a demon in Heaven.

“Sorry.”

“Yeah, well….I just don’t understand why Aziraphale decided to go too and ditch us here. There are ten million angels in Heaven, aren’t there? Anyone could go instead of him.”

“Angels don’t know how to move around Earth,” explained Aziraphale some time ago, before he joined Michael and her party gathered to bring Sandalphon back to Heaven and face justice. “Locating Sandalphon and Kushiel on Earth won’t be easy even when they can be located by their miracles. I believe it will all go smoother if I’ll accompany Michael down. Prevent any collateral damage.”

Aziraphale made it all sounds so reasonable. But the result was the same. He was gone, out trying to catch up with Sandalphon and Crowley was left in Heaven on his own. No-one even considered asking Gabriel to join in the chase and so the two of them stuck together. Naturally, a combination of the Archangel whose recent disappearance threw Heaven into a frenzy and infamous Serpent of Heaven attracted a lot of attention so they eventually ended up cooped in Gabriel’s office. It was only space that belonged to him and they could be sure no-one would bother them.

Technically, there were still Gabriel’s and Sandalphon’s shared quarters but just the thought of them made Gabriel feel queasy. He would rather walk through the Vatican naked than go back there.

“Aziraphale knows how to take care of himself.” Well, at least Gabriel believed that statement like this sounded sufficiently comforting. Aziraphale knew how to fight, right? He wasn’t chosen to be one of the guardians of Eden just because he looked cute. But Gabriel wasn’t sure he could hold about Sandalphon. Sandalphon was brutal. He comforted himself by the thoughts that Michael was there and she was the best warrior in Heaven. It didn’t reassure him as he hoped. With his life’s certainties stripped away, his mind was susceptible to doubt. Sandalphon could do something underhanded. Even the best could be caught off guard. If something happened to Michael because she tried to avenge Gabriel, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. His instinct urged him to start pace again but he forced himself to stay put for Crowley’s sake.

They sat together in nervous silence for a while until the door into the office gently opened and Aziraphale’s blonde head peeked inside.

“Aziraphale!” Crowley jumped out of the sofa, grimacing slightly. A combination of Zachariel’s angelic essence occupying Crowley’s infernal body prevented it from being entirely destroyed, but it still did a lot of damage. And Zachariel refused to solidary keep the body. Crowley pushed through the pain anyway to hug Aziraphale and press a kiss to his cheek. Gabriel averted his eyes.

“Are you alright?” Crowley checked Aziraphale for any wear and tear.

“Yes, I am quite alright, my dear.”

Gabriel spoke up. “Did you get him?”

Aziraphale shook his head. “Kind of.”

Gabriel wanted to ask more questions but Michael entered behind Aziraphale, effectively cutting him off. Michael looked completely unharmed although slightly pissed. She gave Aziraphale and Crowley, who were still in each other’s arms, a dirty look but didn’t comment.

“What happened?” asked Gabriel. It didn’t look there was any fight. “Did you find him?”

“Yes, we found him,” said Michael. 

“And?” 

Michael pursed her lips unhappily so Aziraphale took the word. “We aren’t sure Sandalphon even believes that’s he is holding Kushiel instead of you, Gabriel. He certainly didn’t seem inclined to believe us and refused to release Kushiel.” That seemed shortsighted of Sandalphon. After all, angels could identify each other by other means than just by looking at each other’s skin. There was still their true form, which, although enclosed in the flesh, still gave out a unique signature.

Michael snorted. “He threatened to hurt him if we get close, all the while claiming that he won’t return _you_ to Heaven because he is protecting you from being mindwiped.” Michael glared into Uriel’s direction. The other Archangel was so quiet that Gabriel didn’t even notice them. They now avoided looking at Michael. 

“So what now?”

“Obviously we’ll have to prepare a plan of attack.”

“What are the chances Kushiel will be hurt?” 

Michael didn’t really answer. Instead, she was vague as she could. “It’s a risk we have to take. We can’t afford to let Sandalphon go free. He’d be a loose cannon.” And Gabriel would never be safe as long as Sandalphon wanted to possess him. 

Still. Gabriel wasn’t exactly happy with how Kushiel behaved towards him, but he didn’t want to see him in Sandalphon’s hands.

“Is there any way to convince Sandalphon that it’s really Kushiel in my corporation and make him release him?” he asked. There was an additional point that he would like his corporation back. He was just starting to settle into it. Kushiel’s body was alright, but it didn’t quite fit. Like the suit that wasn’t properly tailored.

“No,” said Michael at once, but Aziraphale and Uriel exchanged guilty glances that they couldn’t fully hide from him.

“What is it? There’s something you aren’t telling me, I can tell.”

The silent three-way conversation proceeded among them. Eventually, Uriel huffed and waved their hand at Michael, indicating that it was her decision.

“Sandalphon demanded that if we are telling the truth, we prove it and bring you before him. He said he would let Kushiel go after that. That he would be willing to exchange you two. We refused, of course.” said Michael.

“I could…”

“Out of the question.” Michael interrupted without letting him finish. “I am not letting him within a wingspan of you. You don’t have to worry that we would hand you over to Sandalphon. We’ll find some other way to rescue Kushiel.”

Gabriel opened his mouth to continue arguing but Aziraphale spoke first. “We can’t even be sure Sandalphon would release Kushiel if we were foolish enough to exchange you. Kushiel is a witness now. Since Sandalphon thought he is you, he now knows how he treats you. And Kushiel’s word will have much bigger wight in Heaven than mine and Crowley’s.”

“You think Sandalphon could kill Kushiel?!”

Michael squeezed his shoulder when she saw his anguished expression. “It won’t come to that. Sandalphon is alone, we will stop him and bring him back in restrains. You just stay put, Gabriel.”

  
  


A long time ago, before time even existed, Heaven was bathed in perpetual sunshine. Of course, then the clouds of war came. And after that, humans, who it turned out didn’t cope well with the endless day. To make them more comfortable, Heaven introduced day and night. And divided Heaven to geographical regions complete with accurate seasons. And the weather. Gabriel was still a bit resentful that Heaven had to be remodeled for the humans, but he had to admit that the Heavenly city, the main area where the Angels concentrated, looked beautiful in the sunset.

Although he was looking out of the huge wall to wall window, he paid attention to none of it. He was alone. Crowley and Aziraphale retired some time ago, to where Gabriel had no idea. Aziraphale had no quarters or an office in Heaven. 

He worried his lip. He couldn’t help but blame himself for the whole situation. He was the one who had to go and attract Sandalphon’s attention. He had to make a scandal out of it, making a mess. And he had stolen Kushiel’s body and as a result, Sandalphon believed that he had the right Gabriel in his dirty hands. 

He shivered, imagining what was Kushiel going through right now. Gabriel didn’t know the angel all that well. Kushiel was one of Michael’s people, and like all warriors of Heaven, he was proud. He would struggle and resist. He wouldn’t know to keep his mouth shut, to bow down to Sandalphon’s wishes, to just to take the beating because otherwise, it would only get worse. And Kushiel, despite all his training, would have no chance to match Sandalphon. Gabriel was an Archangel and he couldn’t. Ordinary angel had no chance.

He felt an overwhelming need to do something, to shoulder his responsibility, to fix his mistakes. He knew he shouldn’t. He was in no state to face Sandalphon. In truth, he didn’t want to. Chances were, he would create even a bigger mess than he had already. But being told to stay put rankled. Oh, he knew Michael was right. If he was in Michael’s place he would want himself to stay in Heaven and not get involved as well. Still…

About the same time ago as the days of unending sunshine, when he was still new, he asked the Almighty what his role as Archangel was. 

He was created to lead the younger angels, the Almighty explained. And he should lead by example so the other angels looked up to him, just as he looked up to Michael and Lucifer. He should be always virtuous and faithful and a bunch of other things, whose meaning Gabriel wasn’t sure about yet. And above all, he should protect other angels, not only from physical attack but from the attack on their souls. Gabriel felt that lately, well, more like the last few hundreds of years, he was failing at these tasks, especially the last part. How long was it since he cared what his subordinate thought, what worried them, and if they were content and happy?

Kushiel was in Sandalphon’s hands for only a day. What could he manage to do to him at that time? Gabriel hoped nothing drastic. But the longer Kushiel remained hostage, the worse would the damage be. Gabriel knew that Sandalphon made him a wreck. He didn’t want Kushiel to be scarred the same way. And if they wanted to extract Kushiel safe and sound there was really only one option. And it was only right that the angel who caused the situation cleans up the wreckage.

Gabriel turned around and walked to his desk briskly. Someone cleared it, it was empty and pristine, but he found his phone stored in the top drawer. It lit up at his touch and a huge smile split his face. His access hasn’t been revoked and he could read all the information accessible only to Archangels. The tense conversation between Uriel and Michael, Sandalphon’s approximate location, the hourly reports from the angels sent to tail him.

He took a deep breath and left his office. No-one was actually assigned to keep an eye on him, in an effort to make him feel at home and the angels he encountered averted their eyes when he passed them. Was it because they felt guilty or because they thought he suffered some strange disease. Whatever it was it suited Gabriel just fine.

He didn’t want to test if his freedom to wander around stopped at the gates. He made his way towards the back entrance, the same one he used for his escape weeks ago and before the reasonable part of his mind could stop him from this folly he transported himself to Earth.

The sun was setting on Earth too. Gabriel scanned the endless horizon and fixed his eyes on the only structure that rose from the flat plain. He watched the farmhouse for several minutes, it took him so long to gather the courage to lift his leg to move. He sent a silent prayer for more strength. He moved one leg in front of the other and with each step he was more confident that once he reached the farmhouse his spine was straight and his legs sure.

Sandalphon didn’t bother denying himself miracles to avoid detection. The whole place reeked of miracles he used to fix the place up. He passed the ward left behind to alert for trespassers and moment later the main door opened.

Sandalphon regarded him with closed fists and mistrustful eyes as Gabriel stopped a short distance away. “And which are you then?”

“It’s me. Gabriel.” He lifted his hands and let his essence leak out of his corporation. Sandalphon’s eyes widened.

“They were telling the truth after all.” He made one step forward and hesitated.

“I am sorry,” Gabriel said in his most contrite voice. “Please, let me in.”

“This is no trick?”

“I am so sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. You were right, I am sick. I don’t want to hurt you, I can’t just help myself. Please, I can’t exist without you. I’ll do anything you ask for, just forgive me.” Tears made it into the corners of his eyes.

Sandalphon smiled and regarded Gabriel with a soft loving look. That it seemed genuine was the creepiest thing about it. With a few long steps, he bridged the distance between them and hugged Gabriel. 

“Shhh, it’s alright. Of course, I forgive you, I love you. I’m going to make you better.”

Sandalphon took his hand gently and lead him inside.

Kushiel was seated in the armchair and his eyes went wide when he spotted Gabriel in his own corporation. He tried to say something but only a gurgling noise emerged. His mouth was gagged and his hands were tied together. He had a black eye but otherwise seemed unharmed.

“I need my body back,” Gabriel moaned. “It has been unbearable. It hurts.”

Sandalphon squeezed his wrist painfully. “And why were you stupid enough to swap bodies with Kushiel in the first place?”

“I don’t know. It was the demon’s idea. It seemed like a good one. I wanted to go back to Heaven.”

“To rescue the rogue principality, huh? Was he a good lay?” Sandalphon sneered. He was much less gentle now.

“No! They made me do things...It was a mistake going to them, I don’t know why I did. I hoped you’ll be there, that you’ll help me. But Michael was there. She wouldn’t let me come. She wouldn’t let me find you. She wanted to hurt you.”

Sandalphon grinned nastily. “I knew it! Just like I knew you will come back to me. We belong together, can you see that now?”

Gabriel nodded. “I know.”

“Well, take your body back,” he waved at Kushiel. “I don’t like you in this one, it doesn’t suit you.”

Gabriel looked at Kushiel uncertainly. “What will happen to him?”

“What should happen to him?”

“Will you let him go?”

“I don’t know,” Sandalphon pretended to be thinking about it. “What do you suggest?”

Gabriel closed his eyes. “Just let him go.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Gabby. He will run back to Michael. She will never let you slip from her grasp.”

Kushiel made a sound of protest.

“Please. I can’t have him on my conscience. He is just one little angel. He is harmless”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll do anything. I promise I’ll be good, I’ll do anything for you, just do this one little thing for me.”

"You'll do everything I ask of you if I let him go?"

“Everything.”

“Fine. I don’t care about him one way or the other. We aren’t going back to Heaven anyway, we don’t have to worry about their opinion anymore. Just swap already.”

Gabriel tried to find any sign in Sandalphon’s face and posture that he meant it but as always found it very hard to read him. There was nothing for it, he must have faith. He prayed and touched Kushiel.

Next moment he was sitting down and looking up at Sandalphon and Kushiel.

Sandalphon shooed Kushiel away. “Well, off you go. Be grateful that Gabriel isn’t angry that you stole his corporation.”

Kushiel opened his mouth. Then he shut it. He looked at Gabriel. “Sir…?”

“Did you hear me? Begone!” Sandalphon sounded threatening. Gabriel jerked his head towards to door. Kushiel swallowed, stood uncertainly at his spot for a moment, then turned away and left. There was a flash of wings and he was gone.

The slap Sandalphon bestowed on Gabriel echoed through the room. “That was for trying to kill me.”

Gabriel blinked and mumbled.

“But you are sorry, aren’t you?” Gabriel modded quickly. “You are sick. But don’t worry, I will help you get better. Heaven won’t hurt you again, I’ll protect you.”

Only now Gabriel recognized that Sandalphon was a hypocrite and always have been, always judging others for sins he has committed himself. It was like this even before their romance has started. Gabriel remembered the times they mocked Aziraphale behind the closed doors for how round he was.

“Hhhm.”

“We must go now. I have no doubt Michael is going to be on her way if she isn’t already.”

Gabriel lifted his hands, testing the cuffs. His heart turned to ice as he realized that they were celestial, enchanted to suppress miracles. Gabriel wasn’t sure if he had enough power to break through them. He wasn’t sure if his miracles would work at all. But he knew it didn't matter. He achieved his task. Kushiel was safe.

Sandalphon looked down at his wrists and sneered. “Don’t take me for a fool. I am not going to release you.” he ran a thumb under his black eye so it stung. “What if you lose your mind again and become violent again? I won’t risk that. But you’ll try to be a good boy, won’t you?”

Gabriel nodded. Sandalphon enclosed his hand around his cuffs and yanked him on his feet. “Let’s go. We don’t have much time.” Sandalphon dragged him by his wrist and Gabriel stumbled after him.

Once they were a few feet outside the house Gabriel yanked his arms back so hard he lost his balance and fell painfully on his bottom. Sandalphon turned to him with a thunderous expression on his face. The actual thunder followed from the distance.

Gabriel poured all his rage, his wrath, his divine judgment into his miracle. The cuffs around his wrist ran scorchingly hot and cracked. And a bolt of great lightning came down from the sky and hit Sandalphon center on his bald spot. The lightning was so powerfully the secondary bolts jumped over to Gabriel. But lightning couldn’t hurt him, it just made his hair stand on its end.

The electricity coursed through Sadalphon. He opened his mouth to scream but only steam came out. His corporation flashed, his skull illuminated under the flesh. Then it ended and Sandalphon’s corporation hit the ground with a thud and the smell of fried meat and hair.

Gabriel let the tears flow freely. It was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this conclusion to G/S isn't too disappointing. I wanted Gabriel eventually realize that he isn't weaker than Sandy, that he can take him and the whole situation Kushiel was a welcome way to force him to it.
> 
> (While writing this, a version where Gabriel's miracle doesn't work and he has to earn Sandalphon's trust back over the time by being obedient puppet came to me, but I decided it was enough of the anabasis.)


	19. judgement

Gabriel didn’t know how long he sat there next to Sandalphon’s smoking and occasionally twitching body. The last vestiges of light had already disappeared and thousands of stars dotted the night’s sky when others came. Gabriel noticed them only the moment when Aziraphale rushed to him, checking him for injuries. When he found none he exhaled and hugged him.

“Thank God you are alright.” Gabriel accepted Aziraphale’s embrace gratefully. He pressed his cheek into his shoulder, staining his jacket with his tears. Aziraphale rubbed his back comfortingly. “Shh, it’s alright, you are alright.”

There were other angels around, lifting Sandalphon and carting him away and securing the area, but Gabriel paid them no mind until he heard Michael’s voice. “What were you thinking?! Do you know how much you scared us?”

Gabriel tensed and hid his face into Aziraphale’s shoulder. ‘Now’s not the time, Michael.” Gabriel’s hearts skipped a beat. Aziraphale’s tone wasn’t respectful at all. No-one, especially a mere principality that caused so much trouble, would get away with speaking with Heaven’s general like that. He expected a rebuke to come Aziraphale’s way at any moment but after a prolonged silence he looked up to his face.

Aziraphale wiped Gabriel’s tears. “Come on, you don’t want to go back to Heaven like this.” To his surprise, Gabriel noticed they were alone. The rest of the angels that came were already gone and calm has settled over the farmhouse. Only a small burnt spot indicated that anything happened in this place at all. Aziraphale helped Gabriel back on his feet. “Come on, there are a lot of people in Heaven worried about you.” A lot of people probably meant Michael.

“Is she very angry?” 

“She isn’t really angry,” said Aziraphale. “Just scared. So it’s easier for her to be angry. It wasn’t pleasant, discovering that you went to find Sandalphon on your own.”

“I had to do it. It was all my fault and I couldn’t let him hurt Kushiel.”

“Even if it meant that you will be the one who could get hurt?”

“Yes.”

Aziraphale sighed. “You aren’t alone in this, Gabriel. If something happened to you, you wouldn’t be the only one hurt.”

Gabriel frowned. “I was the only one who was in danger. And I dealt with Sandalphon.” Even the sentence alone felt incredulous to Gabriel. He couldn’t believe that he actually did it, that he found the courage to stand up to him; and win. And it was worth the risk. Sandalphon won’t hurt him again. He won’t hurt anyone again. So he didn’t understand why Aziraphale sounded upset.

“This wasn’t what I meant.” 

Gabriel knitted his eyebrows together. “What did you mean then?”

Aziraphale searched for something in Gabriel’s face. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not the time.”

_ Time for what?  _ wondered Gabriel but before he could voice the thought out loud they were transported back to Heaven where the true fuss began.

Michael was there to welcome them. She was visibly upset and trying very hard not to say anything too harsh. That’s why Gabriel was surprised when she gave him a quick hug. “Don’ do something like this again.” 

“I am alright,” Gabriel reassured her.

Michael only pressed her lips together. “I’ll believe that once you are examined a the infirmary.”

“No!” Gabriel felt like a wave of cold water washed over him. 

“It isn’t negotiable.” Michael was adamant and her insistence didn’t allow any resistance. Still, Gabriel was relieved to see Sariel waiting for him once he reluctantly followed Michael into the infirmary.

“Little privacy, please?” Sariel chased the hovering Michael away.

“Are you alright?” asked Gabriel before they could get stuck in medical problems. 

Sariel gave him a side-eye. “I should be asking you that.”

“I was worried that Sandalphon had done something to you.”

"No. He and Phanuel just had me transferred to a remote dimension. I am sorry that I didn’t manage to help you.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. You are the only one who helped me. And you found Michael. Thank you.” 

“I just did what I was supposed to.” 

Except Sariel was only one in Heaven who did anything to help. She did more then Gabriel would have done if he was on another side of the issue. It was jarring to be aware of how uncaring, how blind, how easily manipulated Heaven was. What else they have got wrong, so sure of their infallibility?

“Now, can I check you over?”

They proceeded to the practical aspect of their meeting.

“You are in a surprisingly good condition, considering the state you were in when I saw you last. The stay on Earth must have done you good.”

Gabriel shrugged. “It’s probably the sea air.”

Sariel released him with a clean bill of health. Michael was waiting for him outside.

“We must talk, Gabriel.” she greeted him. 

“Must we? What about?” 

“What to do with Sandalphon now that he’s in custody for one. And your recklessness for the second.” 

Gabriel had no desire to speak about Sabdalphon. Now that his menace has shrunken into a bad dream - a dream Gabriel suspected he won’t stop having any time soon - he just wanted to forget that he ever existed.

“Just not now. I am tired.” now that he said it, Gabriel realized that it was actually true.

Michael’s face softened. “Of course. Have some rest.” In fact, he was so tired that he barely paid attention to where they were going and he collapsed into the bed the moment he caught the sight of it. 

  
  


He woke to the sun streaming through the window. He untangled himself from the blankets he didn’t remember covering himself in. He peeked out of the window, being exposed to the familiar view of the city and the glorious mountains in distance. He looked around the room. Apart from the bed and the empty closet the room was bare, barer than was typical of Heaven. 

These were his old quarters. Funny, Gabriel was convinced they were irreversibly gone. He wasn’t sure why he thought that. It wasn’t like there was a huge demand for space, not when half of Heaven was still empty from the fall. 

There was a soft knock on the door. “Come in.”

“Oh, Gabriel,” Aziraphale’s head appeared in the doorway followed by the rest of his body. “I thought I heard you moving around. I am glad you are finally awake. We were starting to get worried.”

“Why?”

“You slept for almost two days.”

Gabriel’s eyes widened. No wonder he felt so refreshed.

“I guess Michael really wants to see me now.” It was nice of Michael that she let him rest for so long in the first place.

“There’s no need to rush, Michael knows how to wait. Anyway, there are some clothes laid out for you.” 

After Aziraphale politely withdrew, Gabriel slowly dressed in a white shirt and a very light blue suit. They weren’t quite right and he could feel the aftereffect of miracles on them. It itched deep down in his true form. It only highlighted the fact that he may have been back in his old rooms, but nothing of his was there. 

“I hope you don’t mind we kind of took over your living room,” Aziraphale said apologetically. “When you weren’t waking up, Michael thought it would be better if someone familiar stayed closeby.”

“It’s alright. I moved out anyway.”

Crowley who occupied a miracled armchair looked around in disdain. “That explains the lack of decor. I thought that this is a bit spartan even for the archangel fucking Gabriel.” 

“But why are you still here?”

“What do you mean?” asked Aziraphale.

“I expected that you will go back home once this is over. Sandalphon is done for. You don’t have to help me anymore.”

“Eager to get rid of us quickly, are you? Out with the inconvenient witnesses now that you don’t need us?” Crowley piped out.

“No! I am very grateful for your help. But you can’t be very comfortable here, Crowley,” so much grace around had to be painful for a demon, right? But then again, Crowley seemed to be a special kind of a demon even if he turned out not to be immune to holy water after all. “And Aziraphale, I’m sorry, but I don’t think others made you exactly comfortable here.”

Which was mostly Gabriel’s fault. He insisted that in order to be the most effective field Aziraphale should stay on Earth full time. The principality didn’t seem to mind but as a result, he was out of touch with his peers and he had no true friend in Heaven.

“It’s alright. Michael asked us to stay for a little while longer. Something about witness statement.” Aziraphale’s tone implied that he wondered why Heaven suddenly cared about the witness statement. Their methods leaned heavily towards smite first, ask questions later - or rather don’t ask questions at all. Gabriel’s mind flashed to Aziraphale’s execution. He still promised himself to apologize. And maybe to Crowley too, since it was actually him. But now was not the time. 

“Ordered us, more like.”

Aziraphale glared at Crowley. “Asked.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “No matter how you spin it, angel, she implied very clearly that we aren’t allowed to leave.”

Gabriel closed his eyes. “I’ll speak to Michael. You’ll be allowed to leave. I owe you one.”

“It’s no trouble. We couldn’t leave until we were sure you are alright anyway.” 

Aziraphale sent a message to Michael that Gabriel was awake and ready to meet with her. She replied that they should be ready to attend a special meeting in an hour, once she was done with some other pressing matter and gathered the rest of the council.

Aziraphale and Crowley spent the hour clearly trying to distract him. Mostly it was Crowley’s comparing the Heaven of old with how it was now. “Cold and empty.” was his unflattering description of the current state of Heaven. And detached not only from the real world on Erth but even the places the righteous souls occupied. 

Crowley was most disappointed that he couldn’t explore the human parts of Heaven, that naturally hadn’t existed when he was still a resident. Gabriel almost offered to take him on a tour but got hold of himself in time. Keeping a demon in the citadel, full of angels was one thing, but taking him sightseeing? Other angels would revise their opinion and think him to be mad after all. 

When the appointed time came, they made their way to the second tallest tower in Heaven where the council, made out of the head of departments gathered. But not very often.

To Gabriel’s surprise, there were guards at the door. That was new. There never had to be guards posted. No-one would invade the meeting or dare to eavesdrop. But there were many more angels milling around than was usual.

Gabriel got through without a problem but his companions were stopped by the glaring guards. “Only the archangel can come.”

“They are with me.” 

“But they aren’t members of the council.” argued the guard.

“They are my assistants,” Gabriel attended enough meetings that he knew that he could bring whoever he wanted. “I vouch for them.”

The guard eyed Crowley dubiously and actually flinched when the demon gave him an open-mouthed grin full of sharp teeth.

“But sir…” protested the first guard’s partner. “They are…” He trailed off when Gabriel lifted one eyebrow at him. 

The door into the chamber opened and Michael poked her head out. “What’s going on here?”

Both guards straightened. “Sir, Archangel Gabriel wants his...companions to follow him inside.”

Aziraphale waved innocently at Michael over Gabriel’s shoulder.

Michael sighed. “You can come, but you won’t speak unless spoken to and you have no decision power whatsoever.”

They entered council chambers together. They weren’t used very frequently. Usually, the Archangels made decisions on running Heaven among themselves. The whole council, consisting of other heads of departments and other high-ranking angels, met rarely. Now they all stared at him.

Raziel, seated between Jophiel and Phanuel, coughed politely. “It’s good to see you are well, Gabriel.”

Gabriel stared at him for so long that the angel averted his eyes awkwardly. “Thank you.” He looked over to the other angels, but no-one looked him into the eyes. The Metatron, sitting apart from others, pretended like he wasn’t even there.

Aziraphale and Crowley weren’t only guests at the room. Sariel and Kushiel stood in the corner. Unlike the angels around the table, they acknowledged Gabriel’s presence. Sariel smiled at him and Kushiel gave him a curt nod. Their presence gave Gabriel a terrible suspicion what was the topic of the conversation before he arrived. 

“Now that we are here, we can proceed,” announced Michael. Everyone turned expectantly to the side door.

“Proceed with what?” asked Gabriel.

Jophiel turned to him. “Judgement.”

Everything became much clearer when Sandalphon was brought inside, lead between two armed angels. Their eyes met and Sandalphon sneered but curiously Gabriel didn’t feel afraid. Sandalphon looked...diminished? No, that wasn’t quite right. He looked the same as he always did, apart from the fact he was dressed in a loose beige jumpsuit. It took some thinking, but then Gabriel finally realized what had changed. Over the past few months, Sandalphon grew larger than life in Gabriel’s imagination, more menacing, more dangerous. Now that image had shrunk back into its original size.

“Sandalphon, we have been presented with all the evidence and witness accounts of your actions and we find them truly abhorrent.” started Raguel.

“Terrible,” muttered Zadkiel.

“There is no question of your guilt,” continued Raguel. “Only thing is to decide punishment.”

“Terrible deeds such as yours are only deserving of Falling,” commented Jophiel.

Sandalphon smiled. Jophiel gave him an opening he was waiting for. “But I haven’t Fallen. Why don’t you make me?”

“You know very well that only the Almighty can Fall an angel…” Raziel trailed, realizing the implication.

“Exactly! Perhaps She doesn’t think I have done anything wrong. Maybe She thinks that Gabriel needs to be brought down a peg. Who here doesn’t think Gabriel is insufferable.”

Gabriel felt his hands turning into fists. He won’t let Sabdalphon turn others against him again. 

“Enough,” barked Michael.

Sandalphon ignored her order. “Maybe She just doesn’t care anymore. Let’s face it. She abandoned us. She grew bored with us, she doesn’t care what we do anymore, because She is no longer here.”

“That’s nonsense,” muttered Raziel. “The absence of the Almighty is something that wouldn’t go unnoticed.”

“Really? Why the silence then? The Armageddon, the culmination of the Great Plan, not a single comment from her. You just have to ask yourself when was the last time she spoke to you, personally, not through the Metatron.”

Gabriel desperately tried not to listen to Sandalphon’s words, but his mind provided the answer to his question nevertheless. Hundreds and hundreds of years, he couldn’t even remember. 

“Or when She spoke to the Metatron last.” 

Everyone turned to the Metatron who looked caught off guard. He stilled. “Well, of course, I am in regular contact...the Almighty is simply too busy to engage with each of you individually…” but his shaking voice betrayed him. Gabriel could see that other angels were starting to believe Sandalphon’s claim.

“Is it true?!”

“You told me just the other week….!”

“Where is She?”

“Did you pretend to speak in her voice?!”

“Silence!” Michael hit the table with her fist and others froze in their places. She turned to the guards. “Gag him. We don’t want to hear more of his seditious talk.”

If Michael wanted to silence Sandalphon, it was far too late. 

Gabriel noticed that Michael didn’t look exactly shocked or surprised by the revelation and he wasn’t the only one. 

“Did you know? Did you know that God is no longer among us?” asked Uriel.

Michael stood ramrod straight. “I didn’t know.” over his gag, Sandalphon snorted. “I didn’t. However, I suspected. I didn’t want to dig deeper, I didn’t want to know the truth, to my shame. I didn’t suspect someone would take advantage of the situation to commit crimes.”

The angels were subdued. They were still processing the information that they were on their own. Gabriel knew he did. He wasn’t being punished by the Almighty after all. It was all Sandalphon. He wasn’t sure what to feel, to be honest.

“But without Her, what are we to do? What are we even?” cried Raguel.

Michael took a deep breath. “I suspect this might be a test.”

“A test?” 

“Yes. We are her children too, aren’t we? And like all children, we must, in the end, grow up and stand on our own. I am sure the Almighty wants to see if we can fulfill our destiny without her constant hovering over us, without her guidance. That we don’t need her constant supervision, that we can take care of ourselves and She can dedicate her time and attention to other projects. Starting with solving this crisis.” she sent a pointed look in Gabriel’s direction. “Once it is out of the way, we can continue to ponder what’s our future role in the Creation is going to be. So let’s get back to it.”

Michael’s name might have been a metaphorical question, but no-one else in Heaven would be obeyed just as readily as Her. Even though Gabriel suspected that what Michael had said was bullshit. But others wanted some explanation and for someone to take charge so desperately, that they now looked at Michael with hope. 

“Now back at the matter at hand. Sandalphon’s punishment.” She turned to Raguel.

“Yes, quite. Since we weren’t able to reach the consensus, we think it’s only appropriate that the person who was the most harmed by his action decides his fate.”

“You want me to decide Sandalphon’s punishment?”

“You were his victim after all,” said Jophiel. “Only you know how much real harm he did to you and what punishment is necessary to equal it.”

Behind him, Aziraphale shifted and made a noise. Michael glared him into silence. 

“I can’t do that.” Gabriel swallowed dry.

“It isn’t like you have never passed judgment before,” said Michael mildly.

Gabriel looked at Sandalphon. Beneath his gag, he looked like he was mocking him, that Gabriel wasn’t able to do even this little thing. Sandalphon would deserve any punishment Gabriel could come up with - send him to Hell even though he remained an angel, rip his wings out, kill him even.

Gabriel looked at Aziraphale. “I wasn’t always right.”

“That’s not the same, Gabriel. Sandalphon’s crimes are clear. And surely you don’t think he is deserving of forgiveness,” Michael sounded so reasonable. And it would be so easy. In truth, Gabriel would be able to kill Sandalphon himself, to drive a dagger through his heart.

“No. But I can’t pass the judgment. I don’t know what’s right anymore, Michael. I don’t think anyone of us knows what’s right. And maybe the Almighty might be gone, but I can’t play at her again. I did the last time and I was wrong.”

“But we can’t let him go without punishment,” cried Raziel.

“Then don’t. Just...lock him away somewhere. Maybe God will come back and She will judge him then. Or judge him yourself, but don’t leave it on me because you don’t know what to do. Or give him a trial. I don’t know. I just know I can’t do it.”

He turned around and left. Once outside Aziraphale pressed his shoulder. “I just want you to know I am very proud of you. It must have been a very hard decision to make.”

“I don’t know what’s right anymore.”

Crowley snorted. “I let you in on a secret. No-one ever does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home sweet home office.


	20. (not) a farewell

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Gabriel was sitting on the comfy sofa in Michael’s office. Michael herself stood in front of the window, her hands crossed on her chest.

“I didn’t want you to worry about it. You had enough on your plate.” 

“Michael,” Gabriel didn’t quite believe his sister. 

Michael turned to face him. “I am sorry, Gabriel. Maybe I am more similar to Sandalphon than I’d like to.”

Gabriel frowned. The sudden change in the direction of the conversation had thrown him off track. He also disliked hearing Sandalphon’s name. He might had dealt with him and he was no longer a danger to him, but mind knew one thing, his heart another. Some wounds ran deep and took time to heal. Aziraphale kept saying so.

“You are nothing like Sandalphon.”

“Well, I would hope I haven’t reached the depths of being a deranged maniac yet. But there are some similarities between us.” Michael sighed. “You see, in a way we are both people who dealt in violence in the past. Often brutally. It stripped us of some illusions. And that gave us an extra appreciation of these who remained pure.”

“I don’t get it.” Gabriel didn’t feel pure.

“Gabriel, you are my little brother and I love you,” Michael kept saying that a lot lately, “but sometimes you can be really dense. You don’t see some things that make the Creation turn. You are idealistic and you keep your faith. You’ve always believed that what we are doing is right,” Gabriel wasn’t sure it was the truth anymore. “I always liked that about you, that you were essentially innocent. Sometimes it gave me the strength to go on.”

“I am not that innocent. I fought in the war too.”

Michael smiled that way that indicated that she had some secret thoughts she wasn’t going to share. “Of course.” It still sounded like Michael was humoring. 

“What does it have to do with you and Sandalphon being similar then?” 

“I think that Sandalphon was attracted to your innocence. I just don’t know if he wanted to possess it or destroy it.”

Well, if it was the latter he definitely succeeded. 

“Let’s not talk about Sandalphon. He is gone.” Well, not gone  _ gone _ , just imprisoned in the lowest level of Heaven, in an interrogation cell originally intended for captured demons when the Armageddon kicked off. Now the cell got another kind of use, at least until Heaven decided what to do with him. Which could take some time.

Naturally, the information that their Lord was no longer with them didn’t stay in the council room for long. There were simply too many witnesses, some of them not interested in keeping quiet. Coercing them could turn harmful in the long run anyway. They couldn’t be sure if Sandalphon shared his secret with some of his friends or if someone else had figured it out on their own. If the Archangels tried to keep the lid on the news and it got out anyway, their trustworthiness would get a serious hit. 

So far Heaven was in sort of stunned shock but Gabriel was worried that it won’t stay this way forever. Already some angels were already starting to ask questions. Why did she leave us? What are we going to do now? They were expected kind of question, but it was only a matter of time until another brand of questions emerged. What should be our purpose now? Why should we even follow the directives of a being that ditched us? What was the point? Gabriel knew these questions because his mind had already asked them.

“Do you at least have a plan?” Gabriel asked after a moment of silence. “Since you suspected that God is gone, you must have thought about what to do if it’s true.”

Michael took his hand into hers. “If all is truth, then She was missing for hundreds of years. And we managed to do our jobs just fine without her input. We’ll be fine.”

“Do you really think that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you really think that we did fine?”

“We did everything our Mother asked of us.”

The problem was that sometimes it was difficult to know what was it that the Almighty wanted to have done. Gabriel loved the Almighty and he missed Her, but he had to admit She could be cryptic. Capricious too, especially in the old times of plagues and floods and fire falling from the sky. Attracting Her attention back then could be good as well as bad. She mellowed a lot after Jesus, and Gabriel would never admit it, not even under the worst torture in Hell, bet he preferred this version of God over the old one. Another thing he would never admit was that it was a small relief, not having God’s eyes on him all the time, watching his actions and judging them. Presumably.

“Mother asked us to watch over humanity and guide them. We were very happy to end Earth just a few months ago. What if She left because She saw how he disregard Her creation. How arrogant we have grown.”

He couldn’t help but remember Crowley’s comment that Heaven kept apart not only from the living Earth but kept itself separated from the righteous souls. God, he missed the two of them. After Sandalphon’s revelation, they left Heaven and there wasn’t even time to say a proper goodbye. 

“There is no need to be assigning blame. God is away. She might return, she might not. We must go on according to our best conscience. If you keep asking why you’ll go mad.”

“I just hope you can keep Heaven under control.” Gabriel couldn’t survive another upheaval in his life. Not so soon after Sandalphon.

“I will.”

The thing was Gabriel believed her. But he wisely didn’t ask at what cost.

  
  
  
  


A few days later Gabriel was sitting at his desk, sorting paperwork. He was surprised how quickly he got back into an old routine. He had to smile bitterly at Sandalphon’s claims that he needed help doing his job. And hit himself at his stupidity for believing him. 

Paperwork might be the same but it was probably the only thing that hadn’t changed. He felt even more alienated from his fellow angels than he ever did before. Everyone walked on their tiptoes around him. When he first came into his office Haniel hugged him and whispered thousands of tearful apologies. Everyone tried to be helpful but in a way that Gabriel found annoying. It didn’t let him forget why they were so helpful.

Why couldn’t other angels be like Aziraphale? He managed to actually be helpful when giving advice but he knew when to give Gabriel space. And if that failed, Crowley would always be available to say something snide, which should probably insult him, but it made him feel less self-pity. 

He felt a little bit lonely. He never got close to common angels. He was their superior after all, and he never knew how to maintain the balance between professional relationships and friendship. For that reason, his circle of friends was extremely limited. Michael, Sandalphon, Uriel. Sandalphon was...Sandalphon. Uriel seemed to be religiously avoiding him, barely talking to him about work and even then their answers were monosyllabic. WAs she feeling guilty? Was she angry at him? Or did she lose any respect for him because he got his ass handed to him by Sandalphon? Gabriel didn’t want to know and avoided Uriel in equal measure. So the only person he could engage in a semi-normal conversation was Michael.

He carefully took out Aziraphale’s last letter from his desk drawer. He found it ironic that Aziraphale, who was always late with his reports and always succinct wrote frequent letters to him. Gabriel harbored a hope that it was because Aziraphale now enjoyed writing to him. 

He was just rereading Aziraphale’s and Crowley’s adventures with their neighbors. Apparently the villagers felt guilty for calling the police on them, even if they didn’t exactly remember why. But it caused the constant supply of home-cooked meals the people kept bringing out of guilt. A lack of peace and quiet annoyed Crowley, but the culinary gifts delighted Aziraphale so he kept silent and retreated into the garden while his other half entertained visitors.

“I don’t care, I want to see him!” came an angry voice from behind the door. Gabriel quickly stuffed the letter back into his desk. The voice sounded familiar, even inf the tone did not and he slowly rose from his chair. Haniel’s answer was too muffled to hear.

“I’ve waited long enough! He has a lot to explain!”

He caught some words this time. “Calm down….later….Michael….ridiculous…..”

“I don’t believe any of it.”

Gabriel took a deep breath and slipped outside to join he was sure was shaping out to be a confrontation. His hearing wasn’t mistaken, it was the quartermaster who was shouting. He was not alone, there were several other angels with him. They were familiar. One of them was Sandalphon’s now-former assistant, another a coworker from his former position. In fact, all of them were Sandalphon’s friends, many of them were frequent visitors in their quarters.

“What’s this?”

“Gabriel, this was going for long enough.” The quartermaster proclaimed, waving his hands around. Gabriel unhappily noted that the whole commotion attracted quite a number of other angels.

“I don’t understand what you are getting at.”

“Please, stop playing innocent idiot, no-one believes the poor helpless victim act anymore. Sandalphon loved you and this is how you repay him? With petty vendetta?”

“I don’t have a petty vendetta against Sandalphon,” said Gabriel lamely.

“Then why is he imprisoned, alone, with no visitors allowed?” asked the quartermaster. The angels surrounding him nodded along.

“He is imprisoned for his crimes,” said Gabriel, but he already knew that the quartermaster won’t accept that. From his stance, from the way he spoke, it was obvious he was there for confrontation and won’t leave quietly until he gets one. Gabriel knew he had to defuse the situation before it escalated and the quartermaster caused a riot or something, but he was now painfully aware of his poor people skills. 

“Why don’t we discuss this in my office.” his voice didn’t sound confident at all and Gabriel wanted to hit himself.

As expected the quartermaster only sneered. “So you can better hide what you are doing. How you and Michael imprisoned Sandalphon on ridiculous charges.” The angel turned to face the stunned audience. “Who here believes that? We could all see how Sandalphon adored him. And we are to believe that he would hurt Gabriel?”

“The whole council believed that and found him guilty.” piped up Haniel bravely. 

“Of course the council went along with it. With Sandalphon gone one of them is up for promotion to Archangel.” 

Gabriel was angry. Angry that in a twisted way what the quartermaster was saying could make sense, especially to those who wanted to believe it.

“You don’t know what you are talking about.”

“And why’s that? Who here was told anything but that Sandalphon is somehow a horrible monster?” The quartermaster looked around challengingly. Most of the other angels refused to meet his eyes. “We all saw Gabriel’s behavior over the last few months, how unstable he was and how desperately Sandalphon tried to help him, at the risk of his own safety. I just don’t accept Gabriel is walking around us without supervision. Are none of you afraid that he will lose his mind again?” He was met with silence. “Show some actual evidence, Gabriel, or just let Sandalphon go.”

Gabriel stood rooted on the spot. The last thing he wanted was to actually share all the sordid details with all of Heaven, to let them know about all the little humiliation that Sandalphon subjected him to. Telling Michael was one thing but others. Even Aziraphale and Crowley who saw him at his lowest didn’t know the whole story. What right had some lowly quartermaster had, to demand Gabriel to bare himself in front of him. He made one step forward, to do what he didn’t know when another voice spoke.

“I can give you plenty of evidence,” said Kushiel. “I could experience how  _ loving  _ Sandalphon was towards Gabriel. It was not the way someone treats a person they love. Sandalphon acted like he was some filthy rotting demon. Except for the actual demon who visited here recently had more decency than Sandalphon, who had the gall to call himself Archangel.”

Other angels started nodding along and the quartermaster hesitated. “I am sure Sandalphon…”

Kushiel sneered and ignored his theorizing. “Don’t anyone here find it strange that Gabriel worked diligently and exemplary as an Archangel for six thousand years and suddenly started acting strange just as he started courting Sandalphon. And who was it going around claiming Gabriel was unstable and violent. It was Sandalphon. He manipulated us all so we ignored Gabriel when he needed help. And we should all be apologizing.”

Kushiel looked at Gabriel. Other angels started murmuring among themselves. The murmuring tipped over into shouts that were to Gabriel’s relief directed at the quartermaster who took one uncertain step back. He meant to stir up trouble but with who words Kushiel turned the crowd against him. Nobody doubted Kushiel. Everybody knew what happened to  _ him _ .

“What’s going on here?” everybody shut up at Michael’s sharp voice. She was rapidly approaching. The Red Sea might have parted before Moses, but a mass of angels parting respectfully before Michael was way more impressive. 

While several voices started to explain Gabriel took the distraction to escape to his office. His hands shook. If Kushiel didn’t show up in the right moment he might have...he would have hit the quartermaster right between his ridiculous sideburns, proving his words.

After a while, he heard the door open and Michael approached him.

“He was way out of line approaching you like this. A clear case in insubordination. he will be punished, even demoted.”

“Don’t. He will make himself into a martyr. He will say that you are punishing him to silence him. That he only dared to speak the truth.”

“He isn’t speaking the truth and everybody with a half a brain knows it.”

Gabriel shook his head. “There wasn’t so much dissent since...since the Fall. Then Armageddon never came. Angels were grumbling after that. And now, with Mother gone, he might pull those who have something to complain about with him, no matter what they believe.” Gabriel wasn’t sure he could cope with another rebellion at his present state.

“I won’t let that happen. Don’t worry about it.”

“That’s it. As long as I am here I have to keep worrying about something. I can’t do my job. I am not sure I know how to do it properly anymore. Not the paperwork, paperwork’s easy. Dealing with people. How can I order them around, give them direction, when they don’t respect you.”

Michael squeezed his shoulder. “I hate that Sandalphon made you lose your confidence.”

“I just...Maybe I went to work too soon.”

“Maybe. You need a calm environment to get your bearings back.” agreed Michael.

“I thought I’ll visit Earth for a time. Aziraphale said I am welcome at any time. And I have some unfinished business with him.”

Michael looked at him for a moment. “That might be a good idea.”

Gabriel was surprised. He expected Michael to fight him on this, that she will want to keep him in Heaven.

“Really?”

Michael wanted to roll her eyes. Gabriel knew it from the way her eyes twitched. 

“You wanted to go for a while now, I could tell.”

“Just for a few days. I’ll be back soon.”

Michael hugged him. “Just remember that you'll always belong here.”

Gabriel didn’t realize what she meant until later.


	21. welcome

You were supposed to bring a gift when you visited someone. At least that was Gabriel’s admittedly limited experience from his short stay on Earth.

That was the sole reason he didn’t skip out of Heaven the moment he had Michael’s unrequired but desired permission. He had to come up with gifts for Aziraphale and Crowley that weren’t dumb. Something they couldn’t acquire by snapping their fingers or walking down the street to the shop.

He let the lightning carry him down to the village the following day. The cold drizzle was falling from the sky. Apparently, the summer was at its end. Gabriel blinked the water out of his eyes and set out to the cottage. There weren’t many people outside in the weather like this, but some of the houses and quaint little cottages looked outright unoccupied. Gabriel sped up, unsettled, and arrived at the familiar cottage quickly. He opened the gate and a short path lead him to the doorway. To his relief, there was a sign of life. He could hear Aziraphale in the kitchen. Balancing his gifts on one arm he rang the doorbell. There was a sound of footsteps and the door flung open.

“Gabriel! I knew I sensed your presence!” Aziraphale seemed happy to see him. “Come inside, don’t stand in the rain, you are going to catch a cold.” Aziraphale dragged him into the entry hall as if Gabriel really could get a human illness.

Before Gabriel could get himself ready, he had an armful of a principality. The hug was slightly awkward, given that Gabriel had his hands full, but they managed somehow. Crowley appeared from around the corner. “Angel, what is it?”

“Look who is here.”

“Gabriel. Finally,” Crowley’s half-hug wasn’t anywhere near enthusiastic as Aziraphale’s but still welcoming. Crowley eyed the pot in his hands. “Is that Silphium?” 

“Yes.” he thrust the flower at the demon. “It’s for you.” 

He handed the second item, several pieces of paper tied together into a slim book, to Aziraphale. “And this is for you.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to, Gabriel,” said Aziraphale.

“I thought that bringing gift if you are visiting someone is customary.” frowned Gabriel, worried that he did something wrong. Maybe his selection of gifts wasn’t appropriate and he should have gone to the flowers and the chocolate like in the movies.

“Well, yes. But it’s not a law. We are happy to see you any time, you don’t have to bribe us with gifts.” Aziraphale nodded at Crowley, urging him to agree with him, but his demonic half was sniffing the yellow flower. 

“It really is Silphium,” he muttered.

“But I wanted to,” Gabriel answered to Aziraphale.

“Well, that’s alright then,” Aziraphale smiled at him and browsed through the volume curiously. He frowned. “I know this. These texts are from the scrolls in the Library of Alexandria. But they were irretrievably lost. Destroyed in a fire.”

“They are only a copy. Jophiel wouldn’t let me take the originals.”

“They are still priceless. Plenty of historians would give their left foot to read these. Thank you.”

“It was really no trouble. Jophiel has a library full of these.”

Aziraphale’s eyes twitched. “Really?”

“Sure. I mean everything that was ever written is in Heaven’s library. Have you never visited?”

“Not after I was stationed on Earth,” said Aziraphale primly.

Gabriel wanted to kick himself. Of course. Aziraphale didn’t spend much time in heaven. He really only ever came up to report if even that. And Gabriel would send him right back afterward. They needed their agent on Earth, doing the good work. Aziraphale wouldn’t have any time to visit a library

“Well, you can come at any time now.” 

Out of the corner of the eye, Gabriel saw Crowley shaking his head rapidly.

“Well, thank you, Gabriel. It’s a very thoughtful gift. I appreciate it.”

“Yeah,” Crowley joined him. “But you know that Silphium is extinct, right?”

“Yes,” Gabriel wasn’t exactly sure what Crowley was getting at.

“And Heaven has no problem with you bringing it back to Earth?”

“Its extinction wasn’t a part of the divine plan but a result of human recklessness,” answered Gabriel airily.

“I wonder what the neighbors will think if I plant it in the front garden?” Crowley eyed the plant speculatively.

“Maybe you should call the newspapers.” suggested Aziraphale. "present it as a discovery of the century.

“Oh, yeah, I just see the Daily Mail’s headline. The ancient plant discovered in South Down. Causes cancer.”

Much later, after Aziraphale celebrated Gabriel’s visit with some tea, Crowley took Gabriel aside. “Under any circumstance are you to get Aziraphale in touch with this Jophiel. We won’t see him for a few centuries if you do. Do you understand?” 

  
  
  
  
  


The weather cleared later in the afternoon and Aziraphale suggested they go for a walk. “So you can see the village properly,” he explained to Gabriel. “You spent almost the whole summer hiding in the cottage.”

Gabriel had to admit, the village was lovely. The cottages were homely and welcoming, gardens well maintained and the whole place exuded only low levels of evil. But that might have been just because of the low density of the population. Lower than expected because it was as Gabriel suspected. Some of the properties were indeed empty.

“What happened here?” he asked. 

“What do you mean?” asked Crowley. Gabriel thought he looked a bit out of place in the sleepy little village, dressed as he was in leather trousers that hugged his legs, leaving little to the imagination of those who had it, which naturally excluded Gabriel. But not Aziraphale.

“Where are the people? Some of the homes are empty. They are cold.” 

“Ah,” Crowley nodded in understanding. “Holiday-makers. I think they are back in their proper homes back in London. We thought about going back too. Not many sushi restaurants in the little coastal towns. Or Indian, middle eastern, or anything really. But well, sometimes it’s nice to have a change of pace.”

Gabriel blinked. That didn’t clear the matter. 

“It’s like this,” explained Aziraphale. “Some people who usually live in cities get a second home to get away from there,”

“Like we did,” pointed out Crowley.

“Like we did,” agreed Aziraphale. “These people spend their holidays and weekends in the countryside, but return to cities in the winter, where they work.”

“So they have two houses?” wondered Gabriel.

“Yes.”

“But aren’t there many people who don’t have a house?”

“Yes,” nodded Aziraphale. “And many more who are in danger of losing the roof over their head. I know what are you thinking? Why are there people with second homes if there are people who don’t have anywhere to live. But it’s just the reality of life on Earth. There are terrible things happening every minute. There’s very little one can do about it.”

“Heaven could do something about it.”

Aziraphale sighed. Crowley explained. “Believe me, there is a lot of things Heaven could have done something about, but you are not to blame in this particular instance. Humans could solve this problem on their own if they were willing to. But they have free will, so they decided to be selfish and uncaring. There’s nothing to be done about it unless you want to walk up to the Prime Minister and miracle him to do your bidding. Which is a big no-no for angels, isn’t it? And this would be a really big miracle, nobody would get away with meddling like this.”

It was. Angels could only interfere in human affairs if combating some previous demonic scheme or if they were directly ordered by the Almighty. For a moment Gabriel wished he was still a detached archangel in Heaven, who watched Earth from the distance. Humans were only tiny little specks running around whose lives didn't matter. If he now thought such a state of things unfair, what about Aziraphale.

He knew how kind Aziraphale was. He was kind to people who wronged him, he had to be doubly kind to the strangers. He always argued on behalf of humanity, he was always convinced that no matter how much they sinned they had the potential for committing great good, only if they were given another chance.

“How can you stand it, watch humanity to be cruel to each other up close and not being able to help.” 

And not lose your faith in them. They certainly did in Heaven. They watched the mass of humans choose Hell year after year, century after century, outnumbering these pure souls that made it to Heaven. 

The question was addressed to Aziraphale but it was once again Crowley who answered. “We just do what we can without miracles.”

“You have to see the positive side of things too. For every cruelty, there is some act of kindness. You can’t judge humanity by the statistics that land on your desk. That doesn’t show you the sheer complexity of human existence.”

Gabriel hung his head. “You are right, I don’t know anything about humans, especially the modern ones. I have no right to judge them. I have a lot to learn.”

“And then you can start to judge them.” winked Crowley.

“Yes, well,” said Aziraphale, ignoring Crowley, “there is always time for learning. But that can wait for later.” Aziraphale turned to Crowley and Gabriel with wide eyes. “Let’s go to the café. I want to see if they have that heavenly chocolate cake.”

An hour later Gabriel left the café encouraged. He sat through several rounds of drinking and eating without his stomach turning and he even ordered a hot chocolate drink for himself. Well, Crowley ordered it for him, claiming it would be weird and impolite to take up a seat in the café without ordering anything. He didn’t drink it and gave it to Aziraphale instead.

“You know,” Aziraphale started as they headed back home, “if you are thinking about helping humanity there are ways to do it.”

“But how would I do that without miracles?”

“There are charities that offer help to people. They are always looking for volunteers. Best is if you connect it with something you enjoy.”

That only made Gabriel frown. He knew what he enjoyed, but he didn’t know how running or liking clothes helped others. He told Aziraphale so.

“You’d be surprised.” was his only reply and they left it at that.

Gabriel didn’t know it yet but this was how he found himself coaching a group of inner-city youth in sports a few months later. But that’s a different story. 

  
  
  
  
  


“You aren’t in any rush to go back to Heaven, are you?” asked Aziraphale come night.

“They don’t expect me back for a couple of days,” confirmed Gabriel. 

“Good,” a beginning of a smile played on Aziraphale. “There is a lot of things we can do. To start your Earth education.”

Gabriel let Aziraphale chat happily about what museums and historical sites they should visit and concerts and plays Gabriel should see. Crowley interjected with something about cinema. 

Listening to Aziraphale to name all the things he wanted to do with him - and the fact, that he wanted to do something with him in the first place - was nice. He was getting sleepy. Not tired because this was a comfortable type of sleepiness like he was wrapped in a pile of warm blankets. He suppressed a yawn. 

“See, angel, you are boring him to sleep,” said Crowley.

“Is not,” muttered Gabriel, trying not to yawn again. His fatigue has abated over the last few weeks when he was no longer under so much stress and Sandalphon was put away. He still slept more then he used to. The only explanation Gabriel had for it was a guess that his body just got used to sleeping - and liked it. 

“Come on,” Aziraphale tugged at him to rise. “Your room is still there.”

What Aziraphale said was true. Gabriel looked over the room. Everything was still as he left it, curtains still half-drawn because ambiance made him feel good in his misery. There was a book he was trying to get into still lying upside down on the bedside table. The only difference was a shopping bag deposited on top of the bedcovers. Gabriel rummaged in it and pulled out a wine-colored shirt. One of several he bought on the shopping trip with Crowley.

“You kept it?”

“Of course,” said Crowley, standing at Aziraphale’s shoulder. “it’s yours, isn’t. Purple isn’t exactly our style.”

“You could have thrown it away.”

“Well, we sort of hoped you’ll have to come back to pick it up. And here you are.” Crowley said ignoring fact that Gabriel wasn’t brought to the cottage by a desire for clothes, he had forgotten about.

“Thank you,” he said quietly, pretending to check that all his new clothes were there so Crowley and Aziraphale didn’t see his moist eyes. It was one thing to be constantly told that he is wanted back, the other to be presented with evidence. 

“Well, sleep well,” Gabriel tried not to notice the way Aziraphale’s and Crowley’s hands were locked together as they left together. Logically he knew that they shared a bedroom. He could imagine what they did in there together. He just didn’t want to. It was their business. Gabriel tried not to show that it bothered him as the doors of the bedroom closed. 

Instead of thinking about what they were up to, he thought to himself as he found a pair of pajamas among his new clothes and climbed into bed, he should decide how to thank them for everything they had done for him. And apologize to Aziraphale. Gabriel knew he wasn’t very good at apologizing, not having any practice. So he better come with a plan of action. He couldn’t afford to mess it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silphium was an ancient medicinal plant that was so widely used that it eventually became extinct.


	22. making tea

Gabriel stuck his head into the living room. 

Good, Aziraphale was there, reading a book with a slight frown on his face. Gabriel rushed back to the kitchen. He pressed one of his fingers to the kettle. Perfect temperature. He checked the biscuits on the plate. They didn’t move in the five seconds Gabriel was away. 

It took him several days to learn to brew a perfect cup of tea. Since Gabriel didn’t drink himself and he wouldn’t recognize a good tea even if he did, Crowley served as his test subject. The demon had very high standards, claiming that Aziraphale deserved only the best. One time the tea was too hot, another time not hot enough. Then it was too sweet, then he let the leaves steep in the water for too long. It was only yesterday that Crowley declared Gabriel’s efforts good enough for Aziraphale. So Gabriel decided to do it today before he got cold feet. Again.

Not risking that his prey would escape, Gabriel lifted the tray and maneuvered it to the living room. Aziraphale lifted his eyes from the book the moment Gabriel deposited the tray on the coffee table and the empty cup rattled on its plate.

“I made you a tea,” announced Gabriel unnecessarily. 

“I see,” there was a hint of surprise in Aziraphale’s eyes and...was it an apprehension? No, Gabriel was just giving too much meaning to every Aziraphale’s twitch. He was nervous and it affected his mind. “Thank you.”

Aziraphale reached for the kettle, but Gabriel was faster. “Let me.”

He poured the tea into the cup and handed it to Aziraphale, nudging the plate of biscuits in his direction at the same time. Once Aziraphale was settled, Gabriel took a seat on the sofa opposite him. “How is it?”

Aziraphale paused as if he only just remembered he was supposed to actually taste the tea.

“It’s good.”

“Good, good.”

Aziraphale looked at him over the edge of his cup. “What did I do to deserve this?”

Gabriel rubbed his hands together. “I wanted to talk with you.”

His eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. Aziraphale visibly tensed. “Oh?” he tried to sound nonchalant but failed.

“Yes,” Gabriel wetted his lips. “I wanted to apologize. I need to apologize for how I treated you all these years.”

All the tension left Aziraphale at once. He leaned back in his chair. “Oh, thank God.” Okay, that wasn’t exactly a reaction Gabriel expected but then again Aziraphale probably waited for Gabriel to realize what a bastard he had been and apologize for centuries.

“Yes, I know, I should have done this a long time ago,” Gabriel nodded. At the very least he should have apologized when he quite literally crashed into his life, or the moment he was wrong about Aziraphale. 

His only excuse was that he was afraid of several things. First that bringing up that Gabriel needed to apologize would only make Aziraphale remember that he and Gabriel weren’t friends, that Gabriel was horrible to him for centuries if not millennia. And Gabriel found out that he very much wanted to regain Aziraphale’s esteem. Second that he would bungle the apology like everything he did. What if instead of clearing his conscience, he says something tactless and insults Aziraphale again?

“No, no, not that. I thought it was something serious,” said Aziraphale, smiling in relief.

Gabriel frowned in incomprehension. “But this is serious!” he protested. 

“Of course,” said Aziraphale soothingly. “I just...you were acting strange the whole week, I thought you want to leave or, well, my mind kept thinking up a lot of horrible scenarios.”

Gabriel desperately searched his mind. He had meticulously prepared for the encounter, he even wrote down the outline of his apology but Aziraphale kind of threw a wrench into the works and he needed to get back on track.

“Right. Let’s get back to the apologizing thing.” even to his own ears, he sounded lame.

“Alright,” Aziraphale gave him an indulgent smile. Now that the situation had cleared up he was much calmer. “But you don’t really need to apologize.”

“I do. I was horrible to you. I never listened to what you had to say. I mocked you and made you feel unimportant and useless. You were our first line in the fight against Hell and I never cared if you needed any help. I ignored you for centuries. You spent the most time on Earth out of any angel, but Heaven acted like you were some kind of half-wit. And I am sorry for that.” For a moment Gabriel worried that he said too much. Using the world half-wit wasn’t very good, was it? So he felt obligated to add, “And if I can do anything to make it up to you, tell me. I want to be things between us to be good again.” There must have been a time when the relationship between them wasn’t so strained. If so, Gabriel couldn’t remember when exactly it was. Before Christ was born for sure.

“Just that you know and trying to change is an apology enough. But if you want to do something for me, don’t leave for Heaven just yet. It’s wholly selfish I know. But I came to enjoy your company and I have to admit I like showing you Earth.”

Gabriel relaxed. “Alright.” To be honest he almost forgot that he was expected to return to Heaven one of these days.

“And since we are at it, I feel I owe you an apology too.”

“What?! No!” Gabriel couldn’t think of anything Aziraphale needed to apologize for.

“Yes. You must now know that I lied to you for rather a long time. About Crowley. About my true opinions. I had a misgiving about our mission here, but I never said anything. I merrily let you believe that I am fully dedicated to Heaven’s cause when it wasn’t true.”

“If I was a better boss, I should have noticed that you are lonely and unhappy. I am sorry.”

“No, Gabriel, I always knew that,” Aziraphale paused, searching for a proper word, “you don’t notice these things. I rather relied on it when I deceived you. And I am sorry I couldn’t be honest. I was just afraid that if you found out I would be in trouble and you would recall me from Earth. And Crowley.”

Gabriel already knew that his obliviousness was his weakness, it was just uncomfortable to hear it from another’s mouth. However much Aziraphale tried to be nice about it.

“Back then I probably would. Maybe I’d done something even worse.” He won’t ever forget the execution attempt. It was after Armageddon and he was so furious he thought he might explode, but what he had done - and said - was inexcusable. Oh yeah, he almost forgot to apologize for that too, and it was part of his pre-written plan. “I shouldn’t try to punish you after Armageddon,” he couldn’t bring himself to say kill. He hoped that Aziraphale would understand. 

“Well, it was Crowley there.”

“But I thought it was you. I am sorry.”

“For Christ’s sake, do you angels have some strange fetish for saying sorry all the time?” came an outraged voice from the door. Crowley was leaning against the doorframe but when he saw that he had their attention he moved to sit with them.

Aziraphale narrowed his eyes. “And how long have you been listening to this very private conversation?”

Crowley flopped on the sofa next to Gabriel and snatched a biscuit from the plate. “Not that long! I didn’t mean to eavesdrops. I just didn’t think that saying I’m sorry will take so much time. Seriously, if I didn’t interrupt you two would sit here and say sorry to each other till the next Apocalypse.”

“Do you mean to tell me,” Aziraphale’s voice got dangerously low, “that you knew what Gabriel was up to and let me worry about it the whole week?” He smacked Crowley with his book. It was a very thick book. Crowley blocked it with his arm but it still had to hurt. Gabriel cringed, watching Aziraphale out of the corner of his eye. He expected Crowley to either retaliate or submit but he only laughed.

Oh, right. They were only playfully teasing each other, not fighting. Gabriel loosened the muscle he didn’t realize had gone tense. Still, Aziraphale had to notice Gabriel’s reaction because he slowly withdrew the book and let it lie on the armrest and hurriedly took up his cup. 

“Just a bit of fun,” muttered Crowley in his direction and sprawled himself on the sofa as if nothing happened at all. “How do you like the tea, by the way, angel?”

“It’s good,” said Aziraphale, taking another sip.

“That’s because I though Gabriel to brew it.” he bragged.

“That must be a minor miracle because it tastes better than anything you ever made me,” but Aziraphale was smiling and using a teasing voice so that probably meant that it wasn’t true or Crowley had long accepted he was a bad cook.

“Well, maybe I should teach Gabriel to bake next.”

  
  
  
  


Gabriel gave his legs last burst of speed as the cottage came into view and stopped when he reached the front gate. It was great to be running again, now that he was fully healed. Now that he knew that Sandalphon wasn’t observing him.

He went running almost daily and privately rejoiced at every extra mile he ran, at the increase of speed he gained as his body started getting back to shape. 

Gabriel frowned at Bentley still parked in the driveway. That meant that Aziraphale and Crowley haven’t left yet. Gabriel rather hoped they would be gone by the time he came back. He even took a longer detour to make sure. 

With a sigh, he opened a small gate and walked into the cottage. He almost ran into Aziraphale who stood in the entryway fiddling with his bowtie.

“Aren’t you meant to be on your way?” Gabriel asked.

“Well, you know how Crowley is. He doesn’t know which kind of shirt he should wear.” Aziraphale, wearing as he was the same outfit most of the time, had no such problem.

“Purple one!” Gabriel shouted in the direction of stairs. He couldn’t decipher the reply, but he was sure it was something rude.

Crowley slinked down the stairs a few moments later, his shirt most definitely not purple.

“Ready to go, angel?”

“Yes,” said Aziraphale primly. He turned his hopeful gaze on Gabriel. “Are you sure you don’t want to go as well, Gabriel?”

Gabriel shook his head. “No. I am all smelly anyway.” Technically he could turn off the ability to sweat on his body. He chose not to in this instance. 

“You could just,” Crowley clicked his fingers silently to indicate miracle, “and we would still make it in time.” Crowley checked the time. “Well, not too late.” 

“Thanks, but I already went to a Rock Concert, and Zoo and that...um, Harvest festival, was it? I think I need one quiet evening in.” Alone. Still, he almost gave in under Aziraphale’s disappointment. And a resolve that was practically bursting out of Aziraphale and that promised that they will talk later. And he will know what’s wrong with Gabriel this time. “This way you can go to the Ritz for as long as you want.” Gabriel found he hated just sitting in restaurants. He could tolerate watching Aziraphale (and other people) eat, but he didn’t find a similar delight in it as Crowley.

“Angel, time!” pointed out Crowley. “If we wait any longer, we will have to miracle ourselves there.”

“Oh, alright, let’s go.”

“Have a nice evening,” said Gabriel.

“You too,” Aziraphale grabbed his coat.

“Don’t stay up too long,” said Crowley with a cheeky grin. Gabriel only shook his head as the door closed behind them. He stayed at his spot listening Bentley’s engine being turned on and the car shooting out on the street.

Gabriel went upstairs in silence to change out of his running outfit. He could claim that he just wasn’t in the mood for more theatre. The outings he named were just a few they went to over the last month. Some of them he liked, some of them he was undecided about, some he disliked. But that wasn’t the reason why he declined to go now. 

He felt like he was in limbo. Technically he should go back to Heaven and do his job there. But as time went on he found himself experiencing a slight feeling of dread whenever he thought of it. Like it was a place one had to go to even if he would rather do anything else, not a beloved home. Like it was an unpleasant job he did to survive not to enjoy. The cottage started to feel more like Heaven used to. Gabriel resisted calling it home.

But there was a problem. It wasn’t his home. It was Aziraphale’s and Crowley’s home and Gabriel had an increasing feeling he was intruding. 

Aziraphale said he wants you here, his head reminded him as he walked into the room that was designated as his and started to look for clean clothes. He said he enjoyed my company and not to go to Heaven.

Yet, the other voice reminded him. It has a definite time limit, whenever yet meant to be. 

Aziraphale meant it when he said he would show Gabriel everything there was to see about Earth. They visited a variety of places and events and the only reason Gabriel remembered all the details was because the Almighty had gifted him with an excellent memory.

Aziraphale and Crowley were careful to include him in everything they did, but they tried too hard. Gabriel was painfully aware that Aziraphale and Crowley were one inseparable unit. What did that make him? Well, he was alone, that was obvious.

His mind went back to Crowley’s parting remark. Like he was a teenager left home alone while his parents went out on a date. He supposed he was lucky they didn’t get him a babysitter.

The worst thing about it was that he then felt bad for thinking like this.

He was just pulling on a bright orange t-shirt Crowley got him on one of their outings - “because it clashes so beautifully with your pretty eyes,” he claimed - when someone used the knocker on the door a bit more forcefully than intended.

That will be the babysitter, his mind provided snidely. He stomped on the thought furiously and frowned instead. Aziraphale and Crowley wouldn’t have knocked. Nor would they have any reason to come back even if they forgot something.

Gabriel hoped it wasn’t Mrs. Brewster from across the street. She kept bringing them food. That was welcomed by Aziraphale, tolerated by Crowley and despised by Gabriel. Not to insult her, Crowley made up a lie that Gabriel suffered a rare gastric disease and required a special diet. That didn’t stop Mrs. Brewster who was very nosy. She kept asking about the nature of the disease and the recipes - she was perfectly happy to learn new stuff, my dear. She meant well, Gabriel told himself. She was just a harmless old lady and she was trying to be nice. She was nice. And she was perfectly justified thinking that Gabriel was an ordinary human, albeit the one with a rare disease, who still needed to eat. Gabriel just wasn’t in the mood today to invent excuses for why he didn’t want to take at least one little bite of her crumble.

He opened the door with a little more force than was strictly necessary. 

Fortunately, it wasn’t Mrs. Brewster.

Unfortunately, it was Uriel.

Gabriel tensed and had to suppress an instinct to shut the door in their face.

“Uriel,” he said lamely.

Uriel lifted a hopeful face to him. “Surprise?”

Gabriel stuck his head outside and looked around. There was no one else in the vicinity, it seemed that Uriel was alone. He tried to keep his voice neutral. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” Uriel sounded a bit hurt. “And to speak with you.” What did they expect, a hug and a kiss on the cheek? Technically they were siblings, at least according to Michael, but they never had this sort of relationship. If they even had any sort of relationship anymore. Gabriel couldn’t forget that Uriel refused to listen to him and then didn’t speak to him for weeks.

But he couldn’t think of a reason why he wouldn’t speak to Uriel now, not if didn’t want to definitely send their relationship to the abyss. He waved them inside and lead them into the living room. 

An awkward silence filled the room. 

“Tea?” Gabriel asked looking in the direction of Uriel’s feet. 

“Alright.”

Gabriel gladly escaped into the kitchen. In the last few weeks, he had become the cottage’s chief tea brewer so now he could do all the steps without thinking about it. It was calming and it gave Gabriel time to get over the shock of seeing Uriel again. It was a surprise, he just wasn't sure it was a pleasant one.

If he expected one angel to appear eventually, he would bet on Michael. Even though she kept sending him missives that she had everything well in hand in Heaven and he could stay on Earth enjoying his  _ vacation _ . Gabriel suspected that Michael knew that he wouldn’t want to come back to Heaven even before he did. There wasn’t any word from Uriel and Gabriel tried not to think what it could mean.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to see them. They weren’t on the top of the list of the angels he wanted to see last. There were a lot of names above them. Sandalphon was on the top of the list. So were the quartermaster. The Metatron.

He hoped that Uriel wasn’t the bearer of bad news. 

He picked the tray and brought it to the living room.

Once everything was arranged Uriel picked the cup of tea and sipped. “You won’t have one?”

“I still don’t consume food and drink,” said Gabriel.

“I would have thought Aziraphale would make you change your mind.”

“Well, he didn’t.”

Seeing that the stilted small talk was leading nowhere, Uriel set the tea aside and straightened. They looked very serious.

“Gabriel,” they started, “I came to tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry that I didn’t help you and wasn’t there for you when you needed me.”

That was what Gabriel wanted all along, right? Then why was he so unsatisfied. He opened his mouth after a brief moment of silence, while Uriel watched him with increasing hesitation.

“Why didn’t you believe me?”

“I just...it was inconceivable. I’ve known Sandalphon for two thousand years. He had always been an exemplary angel. It was hard for me to imagine that he would hurt you.”

“You’ve known me for six thousand years but you still chose to believe Sandalphon.”

For a moment Gabriel was convinced that he knew what Uriel was going to say. If one had to choose who would be more likely to lose their mind, Gabriel was the more likely candidate. He was always more emotive.

“I won’t try to justify myself. It was just easier to believe you were sick than to admit that one of our own would be capable of something like that. And once I had this reasoning, I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong. About Sandalphon. About you. I wanted you to be sick because then I wouldn’t have failed. It would vindicate everything I had done.”

Gabriel stared at Uriel in surpise.

Uriel looked down. “Maybe I have a few long talks with Michael.”

Gabriel attempted to imagine this kind of talk. Did Michael shout at Uriel or did they talk calmly over the paperwork? Gabriel knew that in terms of affection, he and Uriel ranked about the same in Michael’s book. If the situation was reversed, Michael would come as hard at Uriel’s defense… except the situation would never be reversed because Uriel would never be stupid enough to fall for Sandalphon.

Gabriel’s silence was clearly making Uriel nervous because the cup was back in their hands and they were idly playing with it. It was unnerving seeing Uriel without their usual composure. Gabriel could count on one hand the number of times he witnessed it. Most of them happened recently.

“I just want us to be on good terms again. I know I failed you, but I want to fix it. I miss you.”

Gabriel swallowed. He thought back to weeks ago when it was him apologizing sitting at the very same place. Aziraphale chose to forgive him, gave him a chance to build another kind of relationship. And he did miss Uriel.

“Me too,” he admitted. “Just promise me you won’t give me any relationship advice ever again.”

“I promise. I told you I am not any good at relationship advice.”

“I asked you for advice once. Other times you came to me.”

“You are right. It was...Sandalphon always came to me, devastated about something and asked me to talk to you. I guess he manipulated us all,” Uriel shook their head. “No more advice, I swear.”

Gabriel felt kind of light. He wanted Uriel back, he wanted his sibling back. He knew they weren’t alright, that it will take time before he will trust them again, but at least he had hope. Hope, he found, was a very uplifting thing. 

“I guess you can visit me. I can show you around. I’ve been learning a lot of stuff about Earth. I bet you would love the art gallery.” Gabriel did even if he wasn’t that keen about all that suggestive stuff. Why were humans so obsessed with nudity? "I am sure Aziraphale knows a lot of other places filled with art.”

Uriel squirmed in their armchair. “I am sure we can arrange something, to meet somewhere. Privately.”

It took a moment for his brain to catch up. “You don’t want to meet with Aziraphale and Crowley,” Gabriel furrowed his brow. “Wait a moment? Did you wait for them to leave so you could catch me alone?”

“No!” Uriel denied on instinct. “Maybe. Look, I didn’t want them to be partial to our conversation. It’s none of their business.”

“What’s my business is also their business,” replied Gabriel without really thinking about it. Uriel raised their eyebrows. Gabriel flushed. To cover it, he continued speaking.

“And if you want to see me, you just have to come to terms with the fact that Aziraphale and Crowley are here too. And I spend a lot of time with them. And I like it.”

“Oh, I see how it is. Alright.”

Gabriel didn’t see. “What do you mean?”

Uriel drank more tea to cover their smile. “Nothing, nothing. I did just promise not to give you any more unwanted advice. It’s too soon. You aren’t in any rush, are you?”

Gabriel shrugged his shoulder in incomprehension.

“But I meant it. I want things to go back the way they were.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible,” said Gabriel. “I have changed.”

“Then I want to get to know the new you.” Uriel put their cup back on the table. Gabriel was pleased to discover that it was empty.

“Thank you for the tea,” they said. “I won’t bother any longer. I will contact you later.”

“See you.”

Uriel extended their hands. They floundered for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. They must have decided that it was too soon for an embrace because they took his hands into their own.

“You know you can come back home at any time. If we did anything to drive you away, to feel that you are not welcome or wanted, just know that we would gladly see you back. We want you back. You don’t have to exile yourself.”

“I am home,” replied Gabriel simply and to his surprise, he actually meant it.


	23. worry not

It was strange that Gabriel could run what amounted to a half-marathon at the pace of an elite marathoner and his body would barely break a sweat, but emotional talk left him utterly exhausted. After Uriel had left, he collapsed on the sofa and didn’t move until Aziraphale and Crowley came back.

Crowley sniffled the air the moment he entered. “Someone else was here,” he announced, not sounding exactly happy. He sent Gabriel a questioning look.

Gabriel hugged himself. It didn’t even occur to him that Aziraphale and Crowley might be upset that he invited an unwelcome guest to their home. “It was Uriel.”

Aziraphale’s reaction wasn’t as Gabriel expected. He rushed to him. “Oh dear, are you alright?” he started checking him over. 

“Of course I am alright. They wouldn’t hurt me.”

Crowley landed on the sofa next to Gabriel. “What did they want?” he didn’t sound exactly friendly.

“They just came to say they are sorry.”

Aziraphale smiled. “I am glad.”

“Ha, I am not. Do they think they can just waltz in here, say they are sorry everything will be fixed and be chummy again? You shouldn’t just let them get away with it. They helped Sandalphon.”

“It’s not their fault. They didn’t know what’s really going on. They just tried to do what they thought was right. They never harmed me.”

“There are more types of harm than merely physical. Can you honestly say that you would trust Uriel with your life?”

Gabriel hung his head and shook it slightly. 

“Crowley, that’s enough.”

Crowley huffed. “I just don’t want him to fall for another asshole telling him nice things. You angels are far too forgiving.”

“Aziraphale forgave me for how I treated him. How could I deny the same thing to Uriel?”

“That’s different,” said Aziraphale softly.

“How?” 

“Well, we can see that you’ve changed, that you want to be a better person,” explained Crowley. “And what if Uriel came with another intention than an apology.

“I am sorry.” he felt a bit like a small boy being told off by his parents and it annoyed him. He wasn’t as wise in the ways of the world as the two being before him but he wasn’t a child.

“Don’t be sorry. Just call us if anyone decides to visit you you’d rather not see,” said Aziraphale.

“I can take care of myself.” his voice sounds like a bark.

“We know,” Aziraphale. “But we can’t just help but worry about you. You don’t have to deal with anything alone.”

The last thing Gabriel wanted was to argue with Aziraphale so he only nodded. “Alright.” They sat ins silence for a moment. 

“Right,” Crowley tried to clear up the air. “What about a movie?”

Gabriel got on his feet. “I think I’ll go lie down. I am tired.” He shuffled slowly out of the sitting room and climbed the stairs to his room as if he was an eighty-year-old man.

“Did we upset him?” was the last distant thing he heard from downstairs before he closed the door behind himself. He flopped on his bed.

He really should expect this. He knew where Aziraphale and Crowley were coming from and they were only expressing their worry for him. He should be touched. He was. But it left a bitter taste in his mouth and his stomach constricted. Show one weakness and you get treated like a weakling forever. 

He felt like the process Sandalphon started never stopped. He was stripped off of all his weapons, made practically defenseless. Even in Heaven, they treated him like someone who had to be protected. Well, he did say that Gabriel wasn’t capable of taking care of himself.

Gabriel tried to banish the gloomy thoughts. They were just his doubts making their presence known once again. He started to see a pattern. Every time he became comfortable, they appeared. He always waited for the other shoe to drop. 

He was too restless to fall asleep. He tried reading one of the books Aziraphale had given him but he couldn’t focus on the text. 

His body was too tense. How he longed to release his energy somehow. He missed flying. It was his go-to stress relief when in Heaven. He supposed he could go running, but it was already dark.

He kept tossing in the bed.

Later he heard Aziraphale and Crowley trudging up the stairs to retire. The steps stopped. Gabriel could imagine Aziraphale hovering outside of his door, hand raised to knock, but he must have changed his mind because he turned away after a moment and he heard him go to his bedroom. 

  
  
  
  


The next day Gabriel went for a run. His feet pounded on the ground as he set out in an unforgiving pace. It was honestly a relief to get out of the cottage. Aziraphale and Crowley were acting like nothing had happened but Gabriel could sense the underlying tension. He felt wretched. Aziraphale was a true angel and Crowley, well, Crowley was exceptional. If he didn’t witness it he wouldn’t believe there was a demon capable of doing good. More good than angels.

The slow drizzle started but it was easy for Gabriel to ignore it. Only when it started to rain so hard that the water was pouring down to his eyes it was hard to see where he was going he stopped. He blinked the water from his eyes and looked confusedly around. He didn’t recognize anything around him. It seemed that he ran farther than he ever did before. And now that he stopped and the feeling started to return into his legs he realized that his muscles hurt and pain in his shoes was a tell-tale indication of blistering feet. Maybe he overdid. A little. He waved his hand and he felt instant relief when the blisters healed. He turned around to return home. His legs refused to return to running no matter how much he waved his hands around to remove lactic acid and make them fresh again. He was just deciding if he should just walk back - he had no idea how far he actually ran - or just use a miracle to transport himself to the cottage when the old vintage Bentley came to the stop next to him.

Crowley rolled down the window. “Get in,” he growled.

“I can get back on my own,” replied Gabriel with a stubborn tilt to his head.

Crowley pursed his lips. It looked for a moment that he was going to say something harsh but stopped himself and shook his head to clear it.

“You are almost twenty miles from home. And I already drove all the way here. Just get in.”

There was a part of Gabriel that wanted to defiant and refuse but he remembered that he wanted not to be thought of as a child. He got in, waving his around himself again to dry his clothes.

Crowley sped around the countryside, cutting the turns a little close. He looked straight ahead, displeased expression.

“You didn’t have to drive in this weather just to pick me up. I could have easily teleported.”

“Hmm,” was Crowley’s non-reply. Gabriel had the impression that he was trying to hold his tongue back.

Crowley cut in front of a bus in a speed Gabriel was starting to suspect was above the limit. A few moments passed in silence. 

“Where is Aziraphale anyway?” he asked.

“He is looking for you all over the village,” said Crowley. He even sounded displeased. He was probably angry that instead of sitting in a dry and warm cottage with a cup of hot tea he was running around in nasty weather looking for a wayward Gabriel. The worse thing was that it worked.

Another sorry was climbing out of his throat when he beat it up metaphorically with a stick. He wasn’t going to apologize. He was not. He didn’t ask for Aziraphale and Crowley to look for him. But his resolve was weakening. If something really happened to him he would be glad if they came to his rescue. 

“Do you want me to leave?” he said.

“What? Why would I want that?” Crowley looked at him for the first time since he climbed into the car.

“I am only trouble for you. I am only in the way.”

“What gave you this idea?” 

“I am not blind,” muttered Gabriel sourly. “If you just tolerate me because you think I’ll go mad or because you think I need to be protected, you don’t have to.”

Crowley stared at him a tad too long, he had to yank the steering wheel to avoid a lorry.

“Where is this coming from?”

Gabriel didn’t answer.

“Fine, listen, you know you can talk to us about anything that bothers you, right?”

Gabriel sighed. “You don’t have to treat me like I am a baby.”

“We don’t…” Crowley broke off. “Look, we are just worried about you. You went through a lot and after making such good progress in recovering, we don’t want you to go through it again.”

On the intrinsic level, Gabriel knew that. It still rankled. “I can go outside alone without you holding my hand or panicking the moment it starts to rain a little. Sandalphon is gone. I dealt with him. I can take care of myself.”

“Oh, trust me, I know you are big mighty Archangel fucking Gabriel. I saw what you did to Kushiel and Zachariel and I heard that Sandy-boy didn’t stop smoking for a week.”

Gabriel folded his hands across and gave Crowley a look that said _So you see._

Crowley swallowed. “Okay, okay. It’s just us. Aziraphale is a worry-wart and when he worries I worry. It doesn’t have to be rational. You could be invincible and we would still worry. Aziraphale is much more powerful than me, he could wipe a floor with me really, and I still worry about him. And I am sure he worries about me,” Crowley flashed him a quick grin. ”It’s just the way it is, sort of a package deal. But if that bothers you, that’s fine. I think we can tone it down a little. But you won’t get us just stop worrying.”

“Okay.” Gabriel nodded. He guessed he could understand that. Right now he was worrying about Aziraphale being wet and discomforted all because of him even if Gabriel knew that he could get himself dry and comfortable with a snap of his fingers.

“But you know, even if you can deal with a problem on your own, you can still ask for help. We’d love to help. You know what they say, a burden shared is a burden halved.”

“Is that some book quote?” asked Gabriel.

“You know, I think it is,” Crowley said. “And don’t think I don’t see that you are trying to change the subject.” Which wasn’t what Gabriel was trying to do. At least not consciously.

They neared the village Gabriel recognized as their own. “So you don’t want me to leave?”

“No,” he said curtly. “Do you want to leave?”

“No,”

“Good. Because I already got used to you. You’re like part of the scenery now.” Crowley grinned. “And who’d distract Aziraphale when I want to get some me time if you were gone?”

Gabriel frowned.

Bentley made one last sharp turn, splashing the water from a puddle it went through wide and far and came to a stop in front of the familiar and welcoming cottage. The engine turned off without Crowley doing anything.

Gabriel moved to get out but Crowley put a hand on his shoulder. “Just promise that when something bothers you, you’ll talk to us, even if it is something that bothers you about us. We’ll talk it through with Aziraphale. But we won’t be mad.”

Gabriel swallowed. “Only if you promise me the same if something bothers you about my behavior. I know I have never been exactly good with...communicating.”

“Don’t worry, we will. But you are doing fine, considering. Now is there something else I can do for you?”

Gabriel eyed him warily. He had a big request but he wasn’t sure Crowley would agree even after all that he said now. “Do you think you could teach me how to drive?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter today but I am glad to get out of, not exactly writer's block, but something.


	24. lessons

“You! You are definitely getting your own car once you know how to drive,” Crowley hissed once they stopped at the intersection. 

The poor Earth might believe that it never encountered bigger menace of the roads than the demon Crowley. Sure, Crowley liked to go fast. And above all, he liked to go fast in the places with a strict speed limit. He loved flaunting the rules just as the proper demon should. Enter Archangel fucking Gabriel. otherwise known as a complete speed maniac. Gabriel seemed not to be aware that there was even such thing as a speed limit. Maybe Crowley should have told him before they started this whole exercise.

Not that he was surprised. Gabriel was famous for being fast. Infamous in Hell. Frontline veterans of the Great War - not Crowley, he was in intelligence under Beelzebub - said that the worst thing about Gabriel was the sonic boom left in the wake of his passing. Yet Crowley expected him to approach driving with timidity. He forgot that Gabriel wasn’t as fussy as Aziraphale. He got in, put his hands on the steering wheel, his legs on the pedals and off he went. 

Crowley was starting to fear for his Bentley. More than eighty years without a scratch and one little non-armageddon, and it’s going to be done for by one unhinged archangel. His turns were tight, he overtook a bit too close and he always chose to run through the puddles to spray mud all over but mainly all over Bentley. Crowley regretted that he didn’t procure or better yet miracled into existence some common boring car like Ford Asbo or Kia Rio that Gabriel could ruin at his leisure. Or signed him up for driving lessons.

“I'll get to have my own car?” Gabriel’s eyes shone with excitement. 

“Well, Bentley is my car. You are only getting to drive it as a special occasion. So enjoy it while it lasts.”

Gabriel turned right with the screech of the tires. “What kind of car should I get?” he mused. 

“What kind you want,” Crowley said. “There are all sorts of cars. Fast ones, big ones, boring ones.” Crowley pegged Gabriel for something big and obnoxiously noisy, just like him. “Just don’t embarrass me by getting a Mazda.” 

“Why not?”

“You should get something stylish and classy,” Crowley said.

Gabriel frowned. “How do I know if a car is stylish and classy?”

“You ask me,” explained Crowley. Gabriel would be capable of getting something cringy like a Humvee.

They drove silently through the country lane for a while. Despite his dedication to insane speed, Crowley thought Gabriel was getting the hang of handling the car. The Bentley was running smoothly.

The motorbike overtook them. It was that kind that looked vintage but it was in fact brand new retro-looking kind that was starting to get popular. The bike started to disappear in the distance and Gabriel floored the gas to give chase. 

“Now that’s cool. Maybe I should get that,” Gabriel said when the crazy biker tilted his bike to take a sharp turn. It was already autumn, not exactly the optimal time and weather for biking. 

“What?! A motorbike? It’s a death trap designed by hell to get as many young men killed and mutilated. And slow down ” Crowley didn’t like bikers much. They well always in the way on the road, he thought in the manner every road user who thought that roads should be restricted to cars. 

“Really,” Gabriel sounded disappointed. “Still, it looks like fun.”

“Driving is fun,” said Crowley. “And much safer. On a motorbike, someone will always run you off the road or won’t notice you in the rearview mirror. Stick with that.”

“I could do both,” offered Gabriel.

Crowley’s mind conjured all sorts of horror scenarios, mainly including Aziraphale learning that Gabriel decided to do something madly dangerous and Crowley didn’t try to prevent it. And oh Satan, what would Michael say if Gabriel got messily discorporated? She would probably lock him in a miracle-proof room in Heaven and they would never see him again.

“Motorbike isn’t best to look for an angel, is it?” Crowley felt a bit guilty for the manipulation.

“It isn’t?”

“Yeah, think about the Horsepeople of the Apocalypse. They go around strutting on their bikes like they already conquered the place. You don’t want to be associated with them.”

“Hmm, that’s true.”

“Plus cars are far more classy, trust me. Bikers, meh, they are all wanna-be macho with a death wish. Stick with cars.”

“Alright,” Gabriel agreed.

Crowley sighed in relief.*

*He didn’t know yet that in due course Gabriel would meet a friendly biker who would reveal that most bikers are actually normal people.

Gabriel had added swimming to his morning routine. The sea was closeby so every morning he got up with the sunrise and ran to the beach, where he stripped* and swam what he judged was a safe distance from the shore.

*It took him few days to realize that he shouldn’t swim fully clothed. It took him another few days and an unfortunate encounter with a dog walker that he learned he should get swim trunks.

Gabriel had been reading up on Earth sports recently and watching them on the telly. And it turned out there were many more of them than merely running and most of them looked fascinating. He wanted to try them all but many of them were collective sports. Still, there were plenty of individuals activities he could partake in and swimming was one of them.

But all these discoveries made him feel bad for being so narrowminded before. He lived with the image of humans who spend their days digging in the earth and nights sleeping it off in little mudbrick houses. But human existence turned out to be richer than he imagined. There were so many options, so many opportunities. And so many distractions. He had to bashfully admit that the human world was richer than Heaven.

He wondered if the mortals admitted through Heaven’s gates kept up their earthly activities even in Heaven. They must have, he concluded. Sometimes when he’d looked out from his massive wall to wall window and looked beyond the magnificent mountains and pilfered examples of Earth’s famous buildings, he observed humans down there doing many perplexing and seemingly purposeless things. But he was too busy back then to investigate and anyway they were humans. They couldn’t add anything useful to Heaven. He could now see he was a jerk and it was no wonder people disliked him.

After his swim, Gabriel ran back. He varied his route so it didn’t become monotone but the way back he always passed local struggling bakery. He regularly stopped there to buy baked goods with strange names so he could bring them home to Aziraphale. That was what he did today as well.

Too late he realized that Mrs. Brewster was inside chatting with another local busybody Mrs. Oldham. They were both eager to know more about the three strange newcomers. And Mrs. Brester ceaselessly kept inviting him to lunch. Or dinner. Or teas. Her invitation was always accompanied by anecdotes about how she was teaching herself new healthy recipes just for him. It was full of strange complicated words like vegan glutenfree or keto. Gabriel didn’t know what that meant but apparently Mrs. Brewster’s granddaughter approved.

“Ah, Mr. Gabriel,” Mrs. Brewster spotted him, it was too late to retreat. “On your morning run again.”

“Yes,”

Mrs. Brewster turned to Mrs. Oldham to tell her how she observed Gabriel running devilishly fast past her window every morning which lead Mrs. Oldham to bemoan the state of the current generation. If only they kept fit like Gabriel instead of sitting at their computer the whole day and sleeping til noon. 

Mrs. Brewster turned back to Gabriel and he braced for refusing another invitation. “Will you be attending the bake sale?”

“A what?” 

“A bake sale, of course. I thought you had these in America too.” Mrs. Brewster pointed at the window. There were several posters advertising the very event. Gabriel squinted at it. He had got much better reading so he could see that the village was holding an annual bake sale event to raise money for the local hospice.

“I think Mr. Fell might be interested,” commented Mrs. Brewster.

“We always donate the proceed to the local hospice. They always need funds,” added Mrs. Oldham. “And we are all going to end up there anyway so it benefits us too.”

“Hush, Olive, there’s no need to be tempting fate. Will you come?”

“It sounds indeed interesting,” agreed Gabriel and tried to get around the two old ladies to the counter. He was thinking croissants today.

“You know what?” Mrs. Brewster put a hand on his arm. “Why don’t you participate? You can bake something too. There is no better way to become part of a community than take part in community events. Everybody would love to meet you. Oh, Mr. Fell has already become a fixture in the village but we barely know you and Mr. Crowley even less. You are the men of mystery.”

“Um,” Gabriel extricated himself from Mrs. Brewster. People had this unexplainable need to touch him in all kinds of places and stared at him frequently and it was uncomfortable and Mrs. Brewster’s hand felt like she was feeling for his muscles. Gabriel knew that the discomfort was mainly in his head, remnant of Sandalphon and so he never commented on it. “It sounds like a great idea. We’ll sure bring something. But I better get back, Aziraphale and Crowley are waiting for their breakfast.”

He quickly purchased his croissant, ignoring more chatting from the ladies and fled. Only halfway back to the cottage, he cursed himself. Gabriel’s kitchen skills were recently updated from making tea to making cocoa. Did he promise to bake something when he didn’t know how to bake? He prayed Aziraphale would be able to help him.

  
  
  
  


Aziraphale wasn’t an expert in the kitchen. He had vastly preferred consuming food to preparing it. Oh, he mastered few recipes for times of need when his sweet tooth struck the middle of the night but why bother otherwise when the fine restaurant and cozy little cafés had an eye-watering selection of anything a hungry angel could ever wish for?

Yet Aziraphale was still a bit of a bastard and he sensed a unique opportunity. Gabriel learning to bake and cook would mean that he would have a live-in chef constantly on hand. It was an activity he was going to encourage by all his might. A vision of all the pastries the archangel could make for him in the future almost overwhelmed him. Only if he wanted, of course, he wasn’t going to make Gabriel his own personal baking slave, honest to You.

He equipped Gabriel with a book of recipes borrowed from the village library and the instructional videos on youtube. He appointed himself Gabriel’s advisor, supervisor and the most important bit, an official taster.

Gabriel chose to make cupcakes because “You can make them in various colors,” and Aziraphale expected prevalence of purple as the color.

They ruined the first batch on account of forgetting to add the baking soda but once this silly mistake was remedied the wares were only improving. 

Crowley hovered around for a while but eventually departed to buy a new soil for his greenhouse in the garden center the town over because the last one was too acidic or something and they should call him in case of fire so he could put it out.

“Doesn’t it bother you?” Gabriel asked when he heard Bentley’s engine fade in the distance. 

“What should bother me?” asked Aziraphale watching the current batch in the oven.

“That he just goes off without you.” And doesn’t it bother Crowley in turn when you wander off to the library or spend the whole afternoon reading and ignoring him?

“Of course not. Why should it bother me?”

Gabriel fell silent. 

“Gabriel?”

After more silence, when Aziraphale was considering if he should press him for an answer or let it go.

“Don’t you love him?” asked Gabriel with a frown.

“Of course I love him.”

“Sandalphon wanted to spend all available times with me,”

“Oh,” said Aziraphale. He stood up and lead Gabriel to the adjacent living room to sit him on the sofa. Only then he spoke.

“Did you like spending all your free time with Sandalphon?”

“Sometimes I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t like that he insisted that he come with me every time when I went to Earth just for a run. He didn’t like it when I went off on my own. Once…” Gabriel trailed off.

“Once…?” Aziraphale inquired. 

“Sandalphon said that he wants to spend as much time with me as he could because he loved me. But I didn’t. I thought I was just a bad boyfriend because I didn’t.”

Aziraphale looked at him sadly. “Gabriel, you were never a bad boyfriend. It’s Sandalphon’s understanding of love that was bad and twisted. If he had loved you he would give you space and freedom you asked for. What he did was an obsession, he wanted to control you.”

“He said that he didn’t want me to leave Heaven without him because he was worried about me, that he loved so much that it would ruin him if something happened to me he wouldn’t survive it.”

“Oh,” Aziraphale connected the dots. “I love Crowley. Very much.” he continued under Gabriel intense stare. “I worry about him all the time. Yes, it is something you do if you care for someone. I fear that one day Hell will come back for revenge or just drag him back to Hell. I want to stop him every time he climbs into that ridiculous car of his and drives around like a maniac,” he gave Gabriel a hard stare. And now he had the second madman obsessed with speed in his household, “I worry when he gets into his head that he really is an evil wretched demon and not a good person I know he is. But if I stopped him, well, he wouldn’t be the Crowley I love. So I let him do as he pleases even if I worry about him.” he gave Gabriel a little smile. “As I know he worries about me. We do worry about you too, you know? We care about you, both of us, but we aren’t going to stop you from being you.”

Gabriel’s heart did a very tiny somersault, he wouldn’t let it do more. Surely Aziraphale meant like for a friend. They, after all, knew him. But the last statement, he liked to hear it all the same. 

“You don’t want to spend all your time together then?”

“We love each other but we are not joined at the hip. There are many things we like doing together. We both love Earth and humanity, and fine wine and dining out and walks in the park and through bustling cities. And other things,” Aziraphale turned a little bit pink but Gabriel couldn’t read that. If he did he would probably avert his face. He didn’t like thinking about _that_. “But there are other things we enjoy on our own. I am not one for gardening, I am more likely to kill the plant on accident,” he said with embarrassment. “And Crowley wouldn’t endure reading for long. Especially what I read. He thinks it’s too dry and moralistic. But it’s a good thing. It’s good to have something we can enjoy on our own. I have my books, Crowley has his plants, you have running. If we couldn’t exist for a minute without each other, well, it would probably be a bit unhealthy.”

Unhealthy. Gabriel liked that world. It implied sickness. Maybe he was sick. Maybe he and Sandalphon were both sick to their hearts. 

“So when Sandalphon said he can’t be without me, he lied?”

“I don’t know, Gabriel. He is twisted. Maybe in his twisted mind, he believed that what he felt towards you was love. But no-one should hurt and manipulate those they claim to love. That isn’t real love. He had no right to control where you go or who you see.”

“Oh,” Gabriel smiled at Aziraphale in understanding but it wasn’t a happy brand of a smile. They sat in silence for a moment until Gabriel shifted. “Once when I left for a run without telling him, he got very angry,” he said quietly.

“What did he do?” Aziraphale asked cautiously. 

“It was the first time he hit me. And I let him. Then he made me feel wretched for making him hit me,” he confessed.

“Oh, Gabriel. None of it is your fault, you know it, right? You had every right to go. If he hit you, it wasn’t because you made him, but because...because he is a monster.”

Gabriel nodded but didn’t seem very convinced. In fact, he looked terrible and on the verge of tears. It mustn’t have been easy to confess this to Aziraphale, to relive it. Aziraphale moved to touch him, to lay a warm hand on his shoulder, to hug him or comfort him somehow, but before Aziraphale could reach him, Gabriel twisted out of the way, scraping away from him on the sofa.

A brief flash of hurt run down Aziraphale’s face before it turned back to the neutral, almost dead blank face. They both froze. Gabriel stared at Aziraohale with wide eyes, his heart hammering in his chest, his hands clenched into fists. He didn’t know why he had done it. They had touched before, Aziraphale even hugged him. Michael hugged him. Complete stranged touched him. Yes, it was unpleasant but he never jerked away before so violently. He never wanted to hit anyone.

He opened his mouth to apologize. Aziraphale opened his mouth to apologize.

Then the smoke alarm started.

Gabriel coughed and said, in a completely calm voice, as if he just didn’t freak out. “I think we forgot about the cupcakes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think, should Gabriel learn to ride a motorbike. You might like to watch this before you decide: https://youtu.be/423DCdd7c2M?t=373
> 
> (also this fic just doesn't want to end. every time i look for a way to wrap it up it protests and claims it's not time yet, you still didn't address this issue! and you know what, there is still a lot of stuff gabriel hasn't tried yet! what about baking?)


	25. flirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who spent the last 3 weeks procrastinating on youtube? Now I am mad at myself because I am supposed to go back to work in a week and I wasted so much time doing nothing productive.

The bake sale went well. Gabriel at least judged so by his thinning supply of cupcake and growing amount of cash in his box. Heaven always frowned upon amassing of wealth, whether it was money or physical possession but Gabriel felt that he was starting to understand the human obsession with making money. It was frankly exhilarating to get something real and substantial in exchange for his own efforts. In Heaven, he was hardly ever thanked for his hard work. No hat he needed to be thanked. They were angels, the knowledge they were fulfilling God’s Great plan should be enough. But here people kept coming up to him and praising his cupcakes and it made him feel all warm and pleased inside. Some of them even called them divine. Gabriel really wasn’t sure how to react to that. 

In fact, his stand was really popular and his goods were disappearing quickly. That made him feel very smug. He had to keep reminding himself to be a bit more humble. He was here to make money for a good thing not to feel good about himself.

Another woman stopped by his table. Gabriel gave her a wide smile that was a little bit forced. Over the last hour, he met what seemed a half the village and making small talk and staying on guard so he didn’t say something that would forever brand him as a weirdo was exhausting.

The woman was on the younger side and she was pushing a stroller in front of her, which was occupied by a toddler who was looking up at him curiously.

“Everybody keeps telling me to hurry and buy some of these amazing cupcakes before they are gone. And my, they do look tasty.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh, I haven’t introduced myself. I am Helen and this is my daughter Olive,” the woman offered her hand. Gabriel shook it carefully. He was starting to understand that men needed a firm handshake but some women preferred a lighter touch. “You have a beautiful child,” he added drolly because another thing he was learning was that humans loved to have their children complimented. He hoped that compliment was enough and he won’t be offered to interact with the child like when another woman with children stopped by. His total experience with children consisted of being made to hold baby Jesus once and that was an experience that still filled him with mild terror even after two thousand years. 

Luckily Helen focused fully on Gabriel.

“Of course, we haven’t met but I saw you around the village, exercising.” 

“I try to stay fit,” Gabriel answered, already getting used to comment like this. It seemed that everybody noticed Gabriel’s exercise routine.

Helen ran her eyes over him in a way that wasn’t entirely comfortable. “I can see that,” she sighed. “Pity other men don’t take an example from you.” 

“I guess,” Gabriel shrugged. There were a lot of people who could in his opinion do with some exercise but it was yet another new thing he was learning. Judging another person’s appearance was rude and it wasn’t his business anyway.

“So are you an angel or a demon?”

Gabriel was confused for a moment. Could the woman found out about their supernatural nature? But then he realized that she was referring to the cupcakes. He and Aziraphale had started decorating them and later Crowley joined them too and as a result, a lot of them ended up decorated as angels or demons. 

“I am most definitely an angel,” Gabriel said, a bit offended that someone would consider him something else.

“Are you sure? There is not even a hint of a bad boy under all that muscle?”

“Definitely not,” Gabriel denied. He wasn’t so well-versed in human behavior but was this even an appropriate topic of conversation during the first conversation? And come to think of it Helen wasn’t even the first one to comment on his appearance which went against the previous finding that commenting on people’s looks was frowned upon. Why did humans have to be so confusing?

“That’s a pity,” Helen continued. “Maybe you just need to find him and let him out.”

“I don’t want to be bad,” Gabriel was confused. He almost thought that two of them were speaking in a different language. Or in some sort of code. “Why would I want to be bad?”

“Well, I would have some ideas.”

Crowley coughed behind Helen’s shoulder. She jumped and spun around. Gabriel was surprised by his sudden appearance too. Aziraphale set out at the very beginning to taste and purchase as many pastries as he could. Crowley trailed behind him but he kept reappearing by Gabriel’s side all the time. Actually he always seemed to pop up when Gabriel was talking to someone.

“Sorry,” Crowley grinned sharply. “Were you buying something?”

“Oh, yes, you must be Mr. Clooney, another of our new mysterious neighbors. Helen Leydon,” she tried for a charming smile but grew unsure. There was something threatening about Crowley even if Gabriel couldn’t pinpoint it.

“Crowley,” the demon corrected. His tone wasn’t unfriendly but you couldn’t exactly call it friendly either.

“I was just getting to know your friend here,” Helen tried again.

“Yeah, well maybe you could get to know him some other time,” Crowley smiled tightly. “There are people waiting.” Crowley pointed behind himself. Mrs. Brewster surrounded by a gaggle of other older ladies gave Gabriel pleased wave.

“Oh, I see,” Helen muttered. “See you later, Gabriel. You have a very protective friend.”

“He needs to,” Crowley called after her as she wheeled off.

Gabriel shook his head. He was starting to see a pattern. Every time Crowley showed up, the people Gabriel was talking to suddenly found a need to be elsewhere. 

“Why are you doing this?” Gabriel complained. Did Crowley just not want him to meet and befriend the humans? Was he worried that Gabriel would hurt them in some way? 

“You looked uncomfortable. I came to save you. No need to thank me.” Crowley sneered.

“She was perfectly friendly,” Gabriel lied. He was sure that any discomfort just came from his poor social skills.

“Of course, you have no clue,” Crowley commented. 

Gabriel wanted to ask what he meant by that but he was swamped by the group of old ladies and he had no time after that. For some reason, Crowley felt no need to chase off Mrs. Brewster.

So Crowley’s peculiar behavior didn’t come to focus only long after the event when they were all home and Aziraphale recounted all the wonderful cakes he got to taste and buy to take home.

"And what about you?" he asked Gabriel after he finished wondering where Mrs. Wright got blueberries so fresh this time of the year. "I saw you were quite popular. Did you get to meet a lot of new people?”

“I guess so,” Gabriel shrugged. “But I didn’t get to talk to them too much.”

“It was very busy there I suppose.” mused Aziraphale. “But I am sure there will be many more opportunities to meet our neighbors.”

“If Crowley doesn’t keep chasing them off,” complained Gabriel.

Aziraphale looked over to Crowley with raised eyebrows. The demon returned his question with a challenging look. “They kept flirting with him,” he explained. “What else I was supposed to do?”

“Gabriel is fully capable of dealing with people on his own,” said Aziraphale.

“Yeah,” Gabriel agreed. 

“Oh, you didn’t see yourself. You looked so lost why these...these people laid it on,” Crowley turned to Aziraphale, “I had to intervene.”

“Well, still,” Aziraphale squirmed in his seat. “I’m sure Gabriel knows how to ask for help if he has trouble to rebuke unwanted advances.” 

A second later his and Crowley’s eyes met. It occurred to them simultaneously that they actually didn’t know if Gabriel would be able to refuse.

“What unwanted advances?” Or even recognize it.

Aziraphale rubbed his forehead. “Gabriel, do you know what flirting is?”

Gabriel was quiet for a moment. “No,” he admitted reluctantly.

There was more silence. Aziraphale looked at Crowley but it didn’t look like his other half planed to be the one to explain.

“Flirting is a kind of talk or body language human use if they are interested in someone and they want to find out if the other party is interested too.”

Gabriel frowned. “But how does the other person know they are flirting?”

“Some don’t,” said Crowley, “some people don’t recognize flirting even if it hits them square in the face.” For some reason, Aziraphale went pink after Crowley’s statement.

“Well, I don’t think these people were flirting,” the idea that some people would want him was disconcerting for Gabriel.

“Don’t worry you didn’t catch it. Most of them were pretty subtle about it, except that Helen woman,” said Crowley.

“But she is married!” Gabriel protested.

“What makes you think that? Did she tell you that? Did you see her husband? Or wife?” Crowley challenged.

“Well, she had a daughter,” Gabriel argued.

Crowley snorted. “You don’t need to be married for that. And even if she is married, that hardly ever stopped anybody.”

Seeing that Crowley’s words were too much for Gabriel’s angelic sensibilities, Aziraphale moved his hand to pat him on the arm. But he stopped before actually touching him and gave him apologetic smile. Gabriel frowned at that. Ever since his breakdown Aziraphale walked around him on tiptoes as if he could break him.

“Crowley is just teasing you,” Aziraphale sent a warning look towards Crowley, “I am sure she didn’t mean it seriously. Sometimes people flirt just for fun.”

Gabriel scowled. “I still don’t understand it. Why do this with a stranger if they have partners of their own?”

“Maybe people are looking for a third,” Crowley suggested breezily.

Gabriel opened his mouth. He closed it. Then he thought for a moment. “There can’t be three people in a relationship.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“But the Almighty made it so.”

“Are you absolutely certain? She came and said that love can be between two people only? Man and woman. Woman and woman, potentially. Man and man.”

The worst thing about Crowley was the ease with which he was able to challenge any deeply held preconception. Gabriel could see clearly how and why this particular demon became the infamous Serpent of Heaven. Gabriel had a superb memory. He had to. There were times when he had to deliver messages orally. And he couldn’t remember the Almighty ever making it law that there must be two people in love or forbidding more than that. They just assumed. Adam and Eve came in two after all.

“Humans believe that,” Gabriel pointed out. “They arranged their society in this way for six thousand years.”

“Ah,” Crowley waved his hand dismissively. “Humans believe a lot of nonsense, like the Great Spaghetti monster. And they weren’t always greatest in arranging their society, were they?”

“Actually humans are really more open to exploring their relationships. Not everybody welcomes it but there are people in polyamorous relationships nowadays.” 

Gabriel blinked several times. He had a feeling that conversation had gotten off the rails. “I don’t want to be in any relationship, with one or more people either way.” It was enough he already messed up one relationship. 

“Of course. Being single is also an acceptable choice,” Aziraphale assured him.

“And I don’t want people to do this flirting with me. How do I make them stop?”

“Well, that might be a tad difficult,” Crowley said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know if you realized it but you are really good looking in human eyes,” Crowley explained.

“I am an angel. I am supposed to look good.”

“Well, humans find that attractive. That’s why they are all over you, honestly.”

Gabriel groaned. That explained all the comments about his looks he had got. And why random strangers touched him. But he was disappointed. Was his appearance the only value the humans saw in him? Did he even have any other value?

“But how do I make them stop?”

Crowley took a deep breath to speak. But then he shook his head and settled down.

“What?” Gabriel asked. 

“Forget it. Stupid demonic idea.” 

“Well, I think I am already close to some of the villagers. Maybe if I indicate that you are unavailable and extremely uninterested. Perhaps the rumor mill will spread the information around the village and they might ease off,” Aziraphale suggested.

“Would you?” Gabriel asked hopefully.

“Of course, it would be really no trouble.”

“Yes,” Crowley agreed. “We are here to watch your back.”

……

“You are jealous.”

“Am not!”

“Yes, you are. You are jealous that the humans find the Archangel Gabriel attractive.”

“Well, duh. Even demons have eyes. And don’t pretend you are entirely unaffected. I remember times when you desperately tried to impress him.”

“Without any success.”

“And anyway, we should keep humans away from him. You know Gabriel’s idea of a relationship is entirely skewed. His idea of everything, honestly. He just got away from Sandalphon. Let’s not add another disaster on top of the pile. See I am just looking out for Gabriel’s well-being. I am definitely not jealous. Why would I? I already have the best angel in Heaven right here.”

“As you say, my dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies to any fictional character I misused just to further Gabriel's knowledge.


	26. touching

Gabriel woke with a gasp desperately trying to keep any sound down his throat. He blinked and rolled over. The pre-dawn darkness lingered outside of his window. He slept for several hours yet he still felt tired. 

Gabriel tried to remember the dream but the chaotic images quickly slipped from his memory. He could only recall the uncomfortable feeling of being watched and uneasiness that woke him with a gasp. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go to sleep again. Frankly, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to sleep so much in the first place, but ever since Sandalphon, Gabriel’s corporation demanded a regular sleep. But not always it was as restful as he would have wished. He resented it for that.

There was only one thing Gabriel thought of doing when he was restless and needed to clean his mind. A few minutes later he tiptoed downstairs in his running clothes. He was just putting his shoes on when Aziraphale walked into the entrance hall from the living room.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He wasn’t surprised to find Aziraphale probably spent the whole night in his favorite chair, reading. Like any ethereal being, Aziraphale didn’t need to sleep. He slept only when Crowley enticed him to it.

Gabriel straightened his running t-shirt needlessly. It was his morning routine to go running and swimming, but usually not at the crack of dawn. “Not really,” he admitted. 

Aziraphale looked at him sympathetically. “You know you can always talk to me about it.”

“There is nothing to talk about,” Gabriel muttered.

“Gabriel…” Aziraphale started in a tone Gabriel was starting to dislike. It was a tone that suggested that he was avoiding a certain topic of conversation.

“There isn’t, really. I have dreams, sometimes,” Gabriel knew that Aziraphale knew it. After all, he woke them up with a nightmare the first night here. Compared to that his current dreams were better. He didn’t dream every night and only rarely made any noise. “I usually don’t even remember them.” They were mostly flashes of images and Sandalphon didn’t feature in all of them. Sometimes there were other angels. Sometimes he just woke up with an uneasy feeling of being watched. “It’s nothing to be concerned about.”

“It’s making you lose your sleep,” Aziraphale disagreed.

“I’d prefer if I didn’t need to sleep at all,” grumbled Gabriel.

“Well, this body is new and you are still recovering.”

“It has been months!”

“Gabriel, sometimes it takes longer to fix things than what it takes them to be destroyed.”

Not in Gabriel’s experience. He lived in a world where most of the unpleasant things could be miracled away with the snap of his fingers. He knew that on Earth things were different and humans had to do things the hard way, but knowing was different from understanding. On a certain level, Gabriel knew that he made progress from the scared creature that was terrified of his own shadow that crashed through Aziraphale’s ceiling not so long ago. But the progress wasn’t fast enough for him. He was tired of the nightmares and the constant doubts and anxiety that tended to squeeze his inside unpleasantly whenever he thought about his actions.

He almost missed his old carefree self. Back then he didn’t need to worry about anything too much. He knew his place in creation and he always knew that what he was doing was right. He was an asshole. So maybe his experience was worth it if it led to him finally open his eyes.

No, he didn’t really want to go back to the way things were. He didn’t want to hurt anybody anymore. Still, he wished sometimes to turn his brain off and just not to think. Not to think of things he was now aware of, not to think that God had abandoned them. Definitely not that. He was robbed of his purpose and if he admitted to himself that didn’t have anything to aim for anymore it would probably be the last straw. 

“I am just tired of it,” Gabriel muttered. 

“You don’t have to do any of it alone,” said Aziraphale. “You have me to help. And Crowley too.” He extended his hand to touch his shoulder but Gabriel took one step back. He wasn’t in the mood for the comforting gesture. Sometimes he just wanted to feel miserable.

Gabriel tried for a smile. Aziraphale and Crowley were both kind and patient, but even they had to grow tired of his moping eventually. 

“I should probably go before there is too much traffic.”

He was running away from an uncomfortable situation, he knew it. Aziraphale let him. 

“Right,” Aziraphale could smile just as falsely as Gabriel. “Enjoy your run.”

Gabriel set out of the cottage at the sprint, cursing himself. Lately, he felt the distance between himself and Aziraphale growing and growing short temper and hostility couldn't help any. He just hoped Aziraphale gave him a chance to fix it before they grow tired of it in turn. 

  
  
  
  


If Gabriel was keen on self-reflection he would maybe eventually come to recognize that he was trying to punish his body with the relentless pace and long runs. As it was he returned to the village only after the sun has over risen and there was stirring activity around. At least he managed to clear his mind somewhat.

“Hallo! Gabriel!”

Gabriel didn’t exactly want to talk with the person calling him from the other side of the street. For a moment he considered just pretending that he didn’t hear her nor see her, but that would be rude and he swore not to be rude anymore.

And anyway Helen was shouting so loudly and waving her hand so insistently that only blind and deaf person wouldn’t notice her. Reluctantly Gabriel crossed the street to join her. Once again she was accompanied by a stroller and the toddler inside was asleep.

“Hello,” Gabriel greeted her politely trying to put at least some enthusiasm into his tone.

“Oh, thank God, I almost thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” asked Gabriel, ignoring the fact that it was true.

“Well, after how I acted during the bake sale, I wouldn’t be surprised. I feel so embarrassed. I must apologize for acting so familiar. Especially as it obvious you are with those two other nice gentlemen. I must have made you so uncomfortable and I am sorry.”

“There’s no need…”, started Gabriel. 

“Yes, there is. If only for my peace of mind. I don’t know what came over me, to behave so crudely. Bored housewife stuck at home alone, I suppose. But that’s no excuse. I apologize and hope you can forget it.”

“Alright then.”

Helen gave him a shiny smile. “Thank you. Now I heard that you don’t really accept food from people so I won’t invite you to tea but I hope I’ll see you around and we can be friends.”

Gabriel nodded although he was still ambiguous about Helen and her offer of friendship.

“I should probably go already. I have been gone for a while and I don’t want to worry Aziraphale and Crowley.”

“Of course, if I had two dedicated and protective men at home, I would probably hurry too.” Helen laughed patting his shoulder. Gabriel shrugged her off and set across the street in a hurry, giving her a parting wave out of politeness.

He put a distance between himself and Helen in several long strides. She may have stopped awkwardly trying to flirt with him but she was still incomprehensible. What did she mean by that? Maybe Aziraphale and Crowley will be able to explain. After all, they did after his last interaction with Helen.

Except that the cottage was empty when he arrived. There was no book left half-read discarded on the coffee table. All the dishes were cleaned and put away. Gabriel glanced out of the window. He didn’t pay any attention to his surroundings when he was coming in but Bentley wasn’t in the driveway.

_ Think nothing of it,  _ he urged his mind. He decided to take an extra-long shower.

When he emerged the driveway was still disappointingly empty.

Gabriel knew he was acting irrationally. Aziraphale and Crowley often left on their own. But usually, they did because Gabriel didn’t want to go as well and they always told him where they were going. 

Something could have happened. But they took the Bentley and left in peace and calm. On their own. A lump formed at the back of Gabriel’s throat. He was being ridiculous. He knew that. Aziraphale’s books were still here, he would never leave permanently without them. 

He could just call them. But it would only make him look needy and stupid, that he can’t even spend a few hours on his own right after he demanded to be given space just a short while ago. That he panicked only because the cottage was abandoned - no, empty - and Bentley not his usual space. 

He forced himself to back from the window but making himself just sit in the chair didn’t help to calm his nerves. 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity the front door clicked and Gabriel could hear footsteps and voices.

“...not even a little miracle?” Crowley was asking.

Aziraphale huffed. “Some of these books are over five hundred years old. I am not risking that they’ll get damaged.”

“Come on, nothing would happen. And if it does, you can always miracle it back.”

“They wouldn’t be the same anymore and you know it,” Aziraphale complained.

Gabriel slowly moved himself to the hall, where Crowley and Aziraphale were manoeuvering with large cardboard boxes. Crowley spotted him first.

“Gabriel! Good! You can help us.”

“Crowley!”

“What? Gabriel likes lifting heavy stuff. Now he has the chance. Consider it a workout. I do. These books are bloody heavy and Aziraphale won’t let me use any miracles to make them lighter,” he complained to Gabriel.

Aziraphale sighed. “You said you don’t mind helping me with the books.”

“Of course I don’t mind!” Crowley sounded outraged.

Gabriel understood now and felt even more ridiculous. Aziraphale talked about retrieving the rest of his book collection from London and bringing them to the cottage so there could be safe under his supervision for ages. But why they didn’t wait for Gabriel to come back from his exercise to help them?

Aziraphale turned to Gabriel exasperated. “Gabriel, would you....are you alright?”

“Yeah,” said Gabriel and gave him a weak smile. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look pale,” Crowley agreed with Aziraphale, frowning. “Did something happen when we were gone?”

Gabriel shook his head. “Absolutely nothing happened.”

Only in Gabriel’s head. His obviously messed up which, when there was nothing to agonize over just had to invent something new.

Gabriel’s claim didn’t seem to reassure Aziraphale and Crowley. “Because if something did happen, we’ll be happy alright.”

“Okay, thank you. But I don’t need any help.” Gabriel said feeling his confident tone coming back.

Aziraphale gave him a dubious look. He was used to Gabriel’s bull-shiting. “If you are sure.”

“Yes.” Gabriel gave him a decisive nod. “Now, can I help you with the books?”

“Oh yeah,” Crowley was glad for the change in conversation and an opportunity not to be hauling heavy boxes anymore. “There are more in the car.”

Gabriel moved towards the front door. Aziraphale stepped out of the way, giving Gabriel more space than was strictly necessary. He couldn’t get farther from Gabriel if he melted into the wall. Gabriel frowned at that but refused to think about it. His brain had caused him enough distress for today. It only half worked. The despairing feeling that Aziraphale was distancing himself from him only grew.

A while later, after Gabriel retrieved more boxed filled with books from the unnaturally enlarged Bentley two at the time, he was helping Aziraphale shelving the book under Aziraphale sharp eye. It must have been a sign of great trust that he let him handle some of his more priceless tomes. Honestly, sometimes Aziraphale treated his books like were the most important things in the world for him. 

Gabriel paused and looked at Aziraphale who had his nose buried in a book. Again. Honestly, if Gabriel and Crowley didn’t help him shelving the book would take ages just because he had to crack open every one of them - and then he got distracted by reading.

Gabriel extended his arm and touched him. Aziraphale jumped and pulled away.

“I am sorry for what I did,” Gabriel said seriously.

“What?” 

“Just tell me how to fix it. Do you want me to leave? Give you some space?”

Aziraphale stared at him like he had grown a second head. “Gabriel, we have been over this. You already apologized for how you treated me in the past. I forgave you.”

“That’s not what I mean,” said Gabriel. “You are afraid of me.”

“What?! Of course, I am not afraid of you.”

Gabriel shook his head. “You are. Ever since I hurt you you’ve been going out of your way to keep away from me.”

Aziraphale’s brows knitted together in confusion. “What are you about? You didn’t hurt me.”

“I did. I shoved you the other day when we were baking. I didn’t want to do it, I just didn’t expect it and I overreacted. And you avoided touching me ever since.”

“Oh,” a look of astonishment came over Aziraphale’s face. “Well, I think I have been acting rather stupid.”

“Huh?”

“Gabriel, you never hurt me. I have never feared you’d hurt me,” after all being emotionally scathing was more Gabriel’s expertise, the physical violence, despite his huge body, was never his style. “I wasn’t afraid of you, but for you.”

“I don’t understand,” complained Gabriel.

“I am sorry if...if I upset you. I think I avoided touching you without really realizing I was doing it. When I tried to hug you, it was obvious that you don’t really like being touched. I crossed the line and I am who should be sorry. And I didn’t want to startle you again and make you uncomfortable but I overdid it.”

“No,” Gabriel disagreed. “I shouldn’t have shoved you just for hugging. That was wrong.” Hugging was supposed to be a friendly and natural thing. Not deserving of negative reaction.

“Gabriel, it was just a little push and no harm was caused. You had every right to put me in place. What in the world makes you think otherwise?”

“Well...I...Sandalphon…” Gabriel halted.

“Yes?” Aziraphale looked solemn as he encouraged Gabriel to continue.

Gabriel hesitated. Aziraphale wouldn’t be the first one he told it to. He already spoke to Michael about it and she was pretty appalled on his behalf. Haltingly, Gabriel described the incident when he pushed Sandalphon away for his sexual advances and followed after.

“Gabriel, that’s monstrous,” Aziraphale proclaimed with outrage. Gabriel lowered his eyes guiltily. “Monstrous that they made you feel like a villain just for defending yourself when Sandalphon tried to molest you, take advantage of you against your wishes. You had every right to react as you did.”

“You really think so?” He got so many cold shoulders for that from other angels that it was strange to hear he was in it right after all that time.

“Absolutely,” said Aziraphale resolutely. “No-one has the right to touch you when you don’t want it or when it makes you uncomfortable.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want you to touch me. Just not like  _ that _ .” It was curious that a being that should theoretically control his circulatory system could go pink around the ears.

“Of course. There are boundaries. Set them for yourself and say no when someone’s crossing them. Even me and Crowley.”

Gabriel’s mind didn’t immediately jump to Sandalphon but to Mrs. Brewster and others in the village. He tried to imagine shoving the old lady away. “Wouldn’t it be rude?”

Aziraphale sputtered. “You can let other people do things to you against your will just because refusing would seem rude. And you have a right to defend yourself. Remember that.”

“Alright. Okay.” Gabriel nodded. “Thank you.”

“Glad to be of service.”

Gabriel was silent for a moment. Then he spoke hesitantly. “But you can hug me if you want to.”

Aziraphale smiled. “Well, I think I’ll take you up on the offer.”

Slowly he stepped closer and put his hands around Gabriel, who returned the gesture. It was nice and Gabriel was relieved that it didn’t provoke any homicidal rage inside him.

“Hey, angel, about these books…” Crowley choose that moment to walk in. Belatedly he realized that Crowley would be angry at Gabriel for touching his lover? He tried to pull away but before he could extricate himself, Crowley dropped the books and was on them. “What’s that? A hug and no-one invited me? Move over!” 

And that’s how they ended up in a group hug.


	27. interlude: slice of life

“That isn’t what I expected,”

“And what did you expect?” Gabriel asked, his voice tinted with mild irritation.

“Well, to be honest, I expected you to get something fast and more suited to a race track than English roads. Italian, maybe.”

This was no Ferrari or Alfa Romeo Crowley had envisioned for Gabriel.

“What would I do with the fast car if there are speeds limits?” It didn’t make sense to Gabriel to get a car that could go over two hundred miles per hour if maximum speed anywhere was barely over a hundred. Plus he discovered that sports cars weren’t that comfortable for people as tall as he was. 

And Mr. Robbinson, an old man who lived at the edge of the village and whose house Gabriel frequently passed during his runs, swore by this car. Apparently it was very good to the terrain. Every twat could drive on the road, Mr. Robinson proclaimed, but it takes real skill to drive in mud and over big lumps of dirt. And Gabrel was interested in not being a twat.

Crowley suppressed a groan. Aziraphale insisted that Gabriel actually familiarize himself with road rules and ever since then he had become the most obedient little driver - and much less fun about speeding, in Crowley’s opinion. 

“Well, I think it’s a perfectly acceptable car and I think it fits quite well into the environment.” Aziraphale came over Gabriel’s side. “Plus it’s Gabriel’s car, he can choose whatever he wants.”

“But it’s Range Rover. It’s bloody huge. Are you sure you are not compensating for something?” Crowley turned to Gabriel.

“No?”

“There are bigger cars around,” Aziraphale muttered to him. Crowley had to nod. Luckily Gabriel didn’t look further afield for his new toy. With something the size of these trucks they had across the pond Gabriel would truly become a menace of narrow country roads.

“There’s more space than in Bentley,” Gabriel bragged. 

“Oh, good,” Crowley replied with a grin. “I suppose you can then haul all the shopping and the books and the like since you have all this space.” Crowley hated having use miracles to make more space inside his beloved car.

“Sure, I can take you shopping,” Gabriel readily agreed. It was nice to feel useful.

“Well,” Aziraphale hesitated, thinking of the cooling cup of tea he left inside.

“I do need some more soil for my greenhouse,” Crowley considered.

“Again?” Gabriel and Aziraphale asked at the same time and then exchanged the awkward look.

“Yeah,” said Crowley sheepishly. “The last one was too acidic. I think Gabriel won’t mind taking us to a restaurant after,” he told doubtful Aziraphale. “I heard there is a very good Italian place in the town.”

That perked Aziraphale’s interest. “Gabriel?”

Gabriel shrugged. “If we get some privacy?” He was used to Aziraphale eating and Crowley drinking, but he had no interest to observe and listen to other people loud chewing, slurping, spitting, burping, and so on. Some people had no manners.

“Done,” said Crowley, snapping his fingers. “Angels, let’s take this baby for a spin.”

They all piled into the car. 

“There is still one thing I am not entirely clear about,” said Crowley as he sprawled on the front seat, ignoring his seat belt and other safety measures. “I didn’t know they made these in purple.”

Gabriel smiled in satisfaction. “They do now.”

  
  


*

The first notes of the piece sounded through the concert hall and Crowley groaned.

“Angel, you couldn’t pick anything else that screamed get on your knees and pray to God than this?”

“Shush.” came Aziraphale’s disapproval from his left.

“I mean, Bach? A little bit on the nose, don’t you think?”

This time  _ shush _ came from both his sides.

*

“Here it is.”

Crowley whipped out the DVD from behind his back. Gabriel leaned forward and squinted at the cover. What he saw was a drawn picture of a lion and a title.

“The Lion King?”

“Oh, yes. One of the beloved classics.” Crowley confirmed.

“I must admit that I am quite fond of the Lion King,” said Aziraphale, sitting on the sofa beside Gabriel.

Crowley raised his finger to silence them. “But that isn’t all.” He took out another DVD and handed it to Gabriel. He frowned at it. This time the picture of the lion was a bit more realistic.

“The Lion King again?” he looked up to Crowley with a question in his eyes. 

Crowley rubbed his hands together. “This is one of my greatest achievements in this century.”

“That there are two movies called the Lion King?”

He looked at the DVD boxes with doubt. They looked like kid movies, especially the animated ones. But Gabriel guessed appearances could be deceiving. Maybe Crowley hid some demonic message inside.

“Not that!” Crowley shook his head. “Well, maybe a little.”

Gabriel turned to Aziraphale. Maybe Aziraphale might be more comprehensible. The angel in question sighed. “They are not the same movies but they are the same story. The newer one is a remake.”

“What’s a remake?”

Crowley waved his hands around. “Never mind that. It’s Disney! The point is that the company that’s supposed to bring joy to the world is rotten to the core.”

“Crowley used to be a big fan of Disney,” Aziraphale told Gabriel. “Adored Scrooge McDuck.”

“Did not!” Crowley protested.

“There is some merchandise somewhere still to prove it.” 

“Wait a moment! Disney? Didn’t you receive a commendation for that? There was something about creating inspiring stories for children.”

Aziraphale turned slightly pink. Then he looked offended. “Excuse me, I had nothing to do with _ this _ .”

“But I did! And I received  _ two _ commendations for it. Even old Buggy was impressed. Guess they had never seen such a soul-sucking corporate lack of creativity, so much heteronormativity, so much greed. Not to mention remakes that spit into the face of classics.” 

Gabriel barely understood every second word of it. “And that’s a good thing?”

Crowley wilted. “I guess not,” he gave the DVDs in Gabriel’s hand a glare as if they had personally attacked him. “And you don’t even know what they had done to Star Wars.” 

After a moment he brightened again. “Still, the classics have their merits, even if they aren’t without their flaws. And Disney movies are a big part of human culture so you should see at least some of them.”

Aziraphale nodded in agreement. “The Lion King has some nice songs. You’ll like it.”

“Yes, and after we’ve have watched all the movies…” Crowley adjusted his sunglasses. “Angel, when was the last time you were in Paris?”

Aziraphale shook his head. “You know that it’s not technically in Paris.”

Crowley waved his hand dismissively. “Details.”

“To be honest, I would prefer just to go to Paris.”

“Of course we can go to Paris. We can show Gabriel the place where you almost got executed-”

“Huh? What?” interrupted Gabriel. He didn’t remember anything like that mentioned in reports.

“I’ll explain later,” said Aziraphale, resigned. 

“...and then we can go there after that,” Crowley finished.

Aziraphale crossed his arms over his chest.”Well, I’ve read some bad reviews about the place.”

“Angel, I didn’t know you read reviews.”

“Well, how else I’d know which restaurant to visit,”

Meanwhile, Gabriel’s eyes flitted from demon to angel. He coughed. “I am sorry, what are you talking about?”

Two voices answered him, one excited, one weary. “Disneyland!”

A long explanation had to follow.

*

“Come on, Gabriel! You can take him!” Aziraphale shouted as Gabriel shot past them. He turned to Crowley who clapped along with the crowd. “Oh, dear I hope he isn’t going to be too disappointed.” 

“Why he would be disappointed? He looked like he is enjoying himself. And if he really wanted to win, he could just help himself.” Crowley mimed snapping his fingers for a miracle.

“Hush, Gabriel would never cheat like that. The most annoying thing about him always was the fact he is the stickler for the rules, even if the rule in question doesn’t make any sense.” Aziraphale shook his head. “No. But Gabriel is a competitive person. I am just worried he will be angry if he doesn’t win. And blames me since I suggested he participates in this charity Christmas run in the first place.” Aziraphale worried.

“Angel, if he does anything like that then the archangel we’ve lived last few months was an impostor. And he has another thing coming from me.”

“Hush, I don’t actually think Gabriel would be mad at me. It’s just old anxiety of mine.”

“Well, here he goes,” Crowley pointed at Gabriel. The archangel was weaving through the crowd of people gathered around the finish. He was flushed red form extension and he was grinning happily.

“How was it, dear? Not too tired?” Asked Aziraphale cautiously.

“Nope. It was great! Why did no-one tell me running against other people was so fun?”

“Well,” Aziraphale puffed out his chest, denying his previous worries. “I had an inkling you might enjoy it.”

Gabriel smiled fondly down at him. “Yeah. But I have to train harder. So I can win the next one.”

*

“Dammit,” Gabriel swore and felt immediately guilty. He was an angel, albeit damaged one, and he shouldn’t swear. 

He twisted his arm again but the stubborn feather refused to dislodge. He even tried to use miracle - not advised thing since wings themselves were pure undiluted miracle - but met with no success. 

Gabriel sighed. He had two options. Continue sitting here and try bend in the way that would allow him to reach to his back, or ask for help.

Because he liked to make his life difficult, Gabriel continued twisting around for few more minutes before he resigned himself. He padded on his bare feet to the door and open them a crack. Soft music came from downstairs but Gabriel couldn’t tell who was listening to it. It wasn’t Aziraphale’s favorite classical music nor the rock Crowley favored.

He took a deep breath to give himself courage. There was nothing to it really. It was just wing grooming. At the same time, it wasn’t just wing grooming.

He went down the stairs, his wings lifted neatly behind him as not to drag them on the ground.

Aziraphale was alone in the living room. Gabriel had to cough to get his attention.

“Gabriel, what’s...oh,” he spotted his unfurled wings. “Do you need any help?”

Gabriel nodded sheepishly and colored a little. He knew that asking someone to groom his wings was a big request which you made only your closest friends. “My scapulars are bothersome,” he explained. “So if you just had a look at them for a short moment.”

“Sure,” Aziraphale raised form his armchair. “Crowley! Gabriel needs help.”

A moment later Crowley emerged. “Huh? Oh, I see. Scapulars are giving you problems? Well, hop on,” he miracled a plain wooden chair and indicated that Gabriel should sit on it backward. Gabriel hesitantly obeyed.

“Trust me, dear,” said Aziraphale who noticed Gabriel hesitating. “Crowley is better at grooming wings than I could ever hope to be.”

Gabriel couldn’t help but be tense nonetheless. It wasn’t because of Crowley. He would be equally tense if it was Aziraphale or Michael or practically anybody else at his back. Last time someone- not someone, Sandalphon - stood behind him with his wings exposed he didn’t exactly enjoy the experience despite Sandalphon doing nothing to hurt him.

“Relax,” Crowley murmured as he carefully ran a hand over his wings, searching for feathers that needed to be pulled. 

Aziraphale moved into his field of vision and smiled softly. Gabriel tried to focus on him. 

Crowley’s touch was different. Careful, more careful than was strictly necessary, and efficient. Sandalphon always tried to be sensual, to turn wing grooming sexual, but Crowley was nothing like that. He was almost detached. As it continued unchanged Gabriel found himself relaxing, listening to Aziraphale’s calming idle chatter. 

By the time Crowley proclaimed “Here, done,” all the tension left his body and Gabriel startled to discover that he felt like falling asleep.

“Thank you.”

“Glad to be of service. Feel free to ask any time you need your wings groomed.”

Gabriel nodded. “I can return the favor if you want.”

Crowley winked at him. “I don’t need to right now. But I get back to you.”

Aziraphale clapped his hands together. "Now I have an idea. Next time we should all groom each other's wings."

*

When they returned form the latest outing - lunch and drinks for Aziraphale and Crowley and visit to RAF museum - the letter wasn’t an exactly welcome surprise.

It was from Heaven, that was clear from the fine stationery and fact that it was slipped under the front door instead of the mailbox even if it didn’t have a slight whiff of a miracle clinging to it.

“Seems it’s for you,” Crowley told Gabriel.

“It looks official,” commented Aziraphale with a tint of worry. He didn’t like an official post from Heaven in his house.

Gabriel picked up the paper. “It’s from Michael,” he said. But why would Michael contact him this way? Michael had no problem sending him private letter when she needed to contact him. His blood froze when it occurred to him that it could be official summoning back to Heaven. He was on Earth for half a year already and that wasn’t counting the time he spent running form Sandalphon. 

Gabriel didn’t know what he would do if Michale would order hi back to Heaven. He suspected he might even refuse and defy Heaven and that barely bore thinking about. 

With these thoughts, he opened the envelope and read it with a frown.

“Well?” Crowley inquired.

“Michael and Uriel want to come down and speak to me.”

“About what?” Aziraphale demanded.

“It doesn’t say,” said Gabriel, confused and uncertain.

“Well, I don’t think they just want a pleasant chat or they wouldn’t resort to being so formal. It won’t be anything nice. I don’t like it.”

Gabriel had to agree with Crowley. Michael and Uriel could talk to him at any time. That they contacted him in an official capacity meant they wanted to leave a paper trail and that meant that it was Heaven’s business, nothing personal. 

“I suggest we just refuse,” said Crowley.

“I don’t think that would work,” after all Aziraphale had plenty of experience with that.

“I’ll guess I’ll just have to meet with them and find out what this is about for myself,” said Gabriel.

But he had a bad feeling about it. So he readily agreed when Aziraphale and Crowley insisted to come with him.


	28. invitation

In the end, Gabriel decided to invite Michael and Uriel to the cottage for the next day. They were his closest family after all, so why would they meet somewhere impersonal like a restaurant or a public park? Gabriel wasn’t afraid of Michael or Uriel, he could invite them to a place he decided to call home.

Still, there was an advantage to being on home ground. Crowley and Aziraphale would be with him without the need to create excuses. He could just evict Michael and Uriel if he didn’t like what they had to say (he trusted that that won’t be the case). And most importantly he could feel comfortable in his home.

Still, on the appointed time, he brewed plenty of tea - he knew that during their infrequent meetings Uriel had become fond of green tea - cleared up the clutter that accumulated when three supernatural beings got comfortable in a place and then sat down on the sofa determined not to look out of the window repeatedly. He couldn’t quite hide his nervousness.

Aziraphale sat down next to him. 

“It’s going to be alright,” he assured him.

“I know. I just wish Michael specified what she wanted to talk about.” Gabriel would be equally relieved and furious if it turns out she just wants him to sign some paperwork. During the twenty-four hours since Michael’s missive arrived his mind imagined countless horrible scenarios of what she wanted and he was starting to stress about it.

The doorbell rang. Gabriel froze while Crowley opened the front door. He heard voices - Crowley’s had a sneering quality to it - but he couldn’t distinguish what they were saying until Crowley came into the living room with Michael and Uriel in tow.

“Gabriel, you look well,” Michael spread her arms and Gabriel rose to return the hug and embrace Uriel in turn. He wanted to say the same about Michael but although she looked the same as always he sensed the wearied edges and tiredness around her being. With a guilty pang, Gabriel realized that with Sandalphon imprisoned and Gabriel away the two remaining archangels in Heaven had to have a double their usual workload. But he didn’t feel guilty enough to want to return to his duties.

“Tea?” he offered instead and returned to his seat. Crowley flopped next to him so Gabriel was framed by him and Aziraphale on both sides. It left Michael and Uriel pair of armchairs on the opposite side. Uriel glared at Gabriel’s companion, Michael was more subtle, only slight pursing of her lips showed her displeasure. Gabriel could sense the question in the air. _Do they have to be present?_ But the question remained unvoiced. It would be almost heartwarming that Michael and Uriel had got used to his preferences and didn’t fight him on them even if they disagreed. But right now Gabriel had different worries.

“How are you?” Michael asked.

Gabriel shrugged. “I am well enough.”

“I am glad to hear that.”

An awkward silence followed.

“Alright,” said Crowley, “could we get to the point of your visit? Gabriel has been freaking out since he got your message.”

“Oh, sorry about that,” said Uriel. 

“It’s a matter better discussed personally, not in the letter,” Michael added. 

“Okay, and what’s the matter?” Gabriel asked.

“It’s about Sandalphon,” Uriel started cautiously

An icy hand closed around Gabriel’s insides. “He didn’t get out, did he?”

“No. Nothing of the sort.” Gabriel hurriedly assured him. “He had been put on trial.”

“Okay?”

Next to him, Crowley scoffed. “Trial. Now that’s something I would pay to see.”

Aziraphale nodded. “Trials aren’t exactly Heaven’s style.”

Michael gave them an annoyed look. “I assure you that the trial was conducted with every effort to reach justice and prove Sandalphon’s guilt even to his most hardline followers.”

“Was? Does it mean that verdict has already passed?”

Uriel nodded.

“And?” asked Gabriel.

“He was sentenced to complete destruction,” Michael said.

For a second Gabriel didn’t understand what that meant. Then it became clear to him. Death sentence. His mind flashed back to the time when another angel was sentenced to the same. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He wanted Sandalphon gone but this...this seemed so final. “Isn’t it a bit drastic?”

Michael looked at him half exasperated half resigned. “Gabriel, you know very well that without God Sandalphon can’t be Fallen. And Heaven doesn’t have facilities to keep Sandalphon indefinitely. It’s simply too dangerous. We have to change the guards periodically just so he doesn’t get under their skin. He didn’t express any remorse over his actions.”

“In fact, it was quite the opposite,” Uriel interjected.

“The jury made a decision and it will be carried out.”

It was eerie how Michael’s word almost perfectly copied the argument presented before the Archangels decided on Aziraphale’s execution. Come to think of it, wasn’t it Sandalphon to say it?

“Alright, but what does it have to the with me?”

Uriel and Michael exchanged a reluctant look and Gabriel knew that he wouldn’t like what would come next.

“In our research into the trials, we learned that it’s customary to grant the condemned prisoner one last wish. It was extended to Sandalphon.” Michael hesitated, “His last wish was to see you.”

Distantly Gabriel felt Aziraphale holding his hand and Crowley shooting. “This is bullshit.”

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” Uriel assured him. “We made it clear that it’s your choice and your choice only.”

Gabriel shook his head to clear it and calm himself down. “But? That can’t be all. Neither of you even mentioned to me that Sandalphon is on trial and you had plenty of opportunities. So what’s up?”

“We simply wanted you to focus on your healing and not to stress you more with talk about Sandalphon.” Uriel defended their actions. Gabriel understood their intentions but the fact was he was already stressed anyway.

“I know that I’m not the most observant person but I did run Heaven’s bureaucracy for centuries. You didn’t need to go to such lengths to have an official meeting with me if you can just casually drop by. You need a paper trail that you met me. Why?”

“There is a growing feeling in Heaven that we Archangels run Heaven according to our wishes, not what would Almighty want. We are creating a new framework to govern Heaven until Mother returns. There are many who are observing if we will abide by our own rules or if we discard them at the first sign of inconvenience.”

“Oh, I see,” Gabriel felt slightly guilty for abandoning Michael to Heaven’s fragile unstable state now. Discovery that God wasn’t present threw everything upside down. 

The lower-ranked angels should just listen and follow Michael without question, Gabriel thought angrily. Didn’t they do so for six thousand years? But the Archangels’ mandate to govern came from God and She was ~~gone~~ away. And if Gabriel's ordeal proved anything, it was that the Archangels weren't God. That they were fallible, easily suborned, prone to making terrible mistakes. And in the case of Sandalphon, even worse.

“I am sorry, Gabriel. I admit that if you choose to come it would make the whole matter much easier, but you are in no way obligated to come. I won’t make you face Sandalphon if you don’t want to see him.”

“Yeah,” sneered Crowley. “If the old Sandy wanted to have his wish fulfilled he should have chosen something more realistic.” 

“I must say this is very unfair to Gabriel. He had no idea any promise like this was on the table.”

It was obvious that the angels and the demon were just about ready to start snapping at each other. Gabriel raised his hands to demand silence.

“I need to think about it,” he said.

“Of course.” Michael rose from her seat and Uriel followed. “We’ll leave you to it so you can do that without any pressure. Just don’t think too long about it. We want to have this matter disposed of before Easter.”

Once Michael and Uriel had left Gabriel rubbed his forehead agitatedly.

“You know that we are here if you need any help, advice or just support,” Aziraphale said.

“I know. Thank you.” 

But Gabriel already knew what would both Aziraphale and Crowley advise. They looked worried and it was obvious they didn't want him to go. 

He took a deep breath. “I think I need to run on it first.”

  
  
  
  
  


Problem was that a familiar old itch now started in Gabriel’s very being. It was a need to please those he loved and admired, desire to win their regards and approval, to prove that he could do whatever was required of him.

“I don’t want to see Sandalphon,” he declared once he returned.

Until now he didn’t realize that he was moving past him. Sandalphon was still a big shadow looming over his life but that seemed to be fading. In the beginning, he was always looking over his shoulder, expecting Sandalphon to show up and criticize everything Gabriel was doing. And as no real Sandalphon materialized, the Sandalphon in Gabriel's head fulfilled this role. It still happened occasionally but less and less as time passed. The moments of blind panic gripping his body if he only thought of Sandalphon were also becoming less frequent. Gabriel was excising the other archangel from his life and he didn’t particularly want to invite him back.

“Good,” said Crowley with palpable relief. “Then there is nothing to worry about.”

“But I think I should,” Gabriel dashed Crowley’s hopes.

“Why?”

“I just feel it’s right. Sandalphon will be destroyed in a few weeks anyway, he will never get to hurt me again. And...and I worry that I will regret it later if I won’t go to see him now.”

“You might end up regretting going to see him,” Aziraphale cautioned.

“Yeah, plus Michael said he didn’t show any remorse. He probably just wants to fuck with you one last time for his own twisted pleasure. I wouldn’t expect any apologies.”

“I know. But,” Gabriel paused. “I think I just need to close the door behind him for one last time. And if it helps Michael at the same time…” 

“Oh, fuck Michael,” said Crowley with an uncharacteristic amount of vitriol.

“Crowley, she is Gabriel’s sister.” Aziraphale turned to Gabriel. “You know that I would recommend you don’t go to see Sandalphon at all. I am worried that it will end up upsetting you and setting back all the progress you have made in the last few months. But if that’s what you decided then I accept it.”

“Thank you,” Gabriel licked his lips. “I hope...Will you come with me?”

“Of course,” said Aziraphale.

Crowley nodded along with him. “Yeah, but I reserve a right to say I told you so if it goes pear-shaped.”


	29. condemned

Aziraphale and Crowley were flanking Gabriel on both of his sides as if they were his honor guard. Or bodyguards. That was probably a more honest comparison. He was glad for their solid presence either way. Without them, he probably wouldn’t be able to set one foot into the room that functioned as a makeshift cell.

“You only have to spend a minimum time in there,” Michael told him earlier in the day when he sat in her office his mind on the thought that he wanted this to be over already. “He was promised only that he would get to see you, but not specifically for how long. You can be in and out in a second.”

Gabriel knew that wouldn’t cut it. Michael was no God. She had to prove that she was the one who should be in charge of Heaven in Almighty’s absence. Even those that didn’t care about Sandalphon’s fate were observing keenly if she fulfills her promise or if she backs out the moment she or one of hers was inconvenienced. Going only half the way would only make a mockery of the whole thing and that was the last thing Michael needed.

“Just remember, he can’t hurt you, he’ll be restrained the whole time. He only has words on his side,” Michael continued in her reassurance after Gabriel failed to respond. Michael should know better. Words could have incredible power. Didn’t Mother create the Universe just with a word? And Sandalphon’s words could cut deeper than any blade. Gabriel had long since healed from all physical injuries he received from Sandalphon but his words still had an effect on his confidence, his doubts, his relationships. What did it matter if he was restrained if he wasn’t also gagged?

And restrained he was. Cuffs suppressing his power tied his wrist together. Another shackle led from his ankle to the wall. Kushiel waited just beyond the door ready to intervene should Gabriel only call. 

Across the room, Sandalphon didn’t sneer. He didn’t verbally attack Gabriel, he didn’t try to get to close to him. There was only a small softening of his face. “Gabriel, you came.”

Gabriel didn’t know what to say to that so he fell back on a simple “yes.”

He tried to prepare for this the best he could. He had several difficult conversations with Aziraphale and Crowley when he talked about his treatment at Sandalphon’s hands more than he felt comfortable with, so they could devise strategies to deal with whatever Sandalphon may come up with.

“I think he will try to pretend that he is the wronged party, that he is a victim of injustice, conspiracy even, that he was only trying to help you and that you misremember or misinterpret his actions. He may even try to emotionally manipulate you so you speak out against the execution and he can be freed,” said Aziraphale. 

Crowley was of a different opinion. “I think he will just try to torment you further so he can get one last kick out of it. He’ll try to crush you and stomp all over you so he can go to his execution knowing that he managed to hurt you for one last time.”

Since neither of them could actually see into Sandalphon’s mind (thank god!) and tell what he was planning they have to largely operate on guesswork. They drew up several options Sandalphon might attempt to get under his skin and leave one last scar there and devised ways Gabriel should react if any of them occurred. They even tried roleplaying some of them but these efforts usually ended prematurely with breathing exercises, extended time spent on the sofa watching mindless action flicks, and on one occasion a comforting hug. 

Gabriel still didn’t feel ready for this. When Aziraphale asked him a mere five minutes ago, when they were on the way into this miserable room, if he was he couldn’t but answer with a humorless laugh, “No.”

 _You can leave anytime you want,_ Gabriel repeated to himself. _Nothing is keeping you here. Nothing physical at least._

It would be easier if Sandalphon sneered. If he launched into a venomous diatribe about how Gabriel is weak and incompetent and needs someone to take care of him. If he just launched himself at Gabriel from his seat intent on tearing him apart. If he only just showed himself as a terrible monster Gabriel knew he was. 

But Sandalphon kept sitting meekly in his place, his body devoid of any tension, head slightly lowered. It reminded Gabriel of times before. If it weren’t for the chains they could have been back at the upper offices, discussing some work matters, Sandalphon ready to listen to any of Gabriel’s ideas and comply with his wishes. Was it possible that things used to be like that? 

“I was worried,” Sandalphon licked his lips nervously. “Worried that she wouldn’t even tell you that I wanted to talk with you. That she would just take off my head without letting me see you.”

It was clear that he meant Michael. Rather than put a burden of killing a fellow angel on some hapless underling Michael had appointed herself as the executioner. No-one contested her choice. No-one wanted this role and worry-lines around Michael’s eyes indicated that neither did she. But she would do it because duty dictated so. 

Sandalphon smiled. It was a smile that made Gabriel blink. It was simple and he couldn’t see any kind of twisted pleasure behind it. “But you are here, thank the Almighty.” It was as if Sandalphon was simply happy to see him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Gabriel could see Aziraphale giving him a significant look. _Be careful,_ he reminded himself, _he is a conniving bastard._

“Well, I am here,” said Gabriel cautiously.

“I know that you probably expect me to do something to hurt you, but I am done with that. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

That...truly wasn’t what Gabriel expected. “Alright.”

“And to apologize.”

That made Gabriel open his mouth and then immediately shut it. He didn’t anticipate it, none of them did. An apology was the last thing he expected to happen. He didn’t prepare for it. He had to make sure that he heard right.

“Apologize?”

“Yes. I am sorry, Gabriel, for any harm I’ve caused you. It wasn’t my intention but it has got out of control. I am sorry.”

Gabriel didn’t know what to say to that. “Why should I believe you?” he forced out eventually.

“Believe me that I love you. I always loved you. I still love you, despite everything. I only wanted to help you, to make you the best version of yourself you could be. I just...got frustrated.” 

That was a little bit more familiar territory. “I didn’t ask to be beaten,” Gabriel said but his voice lacked confidence he wanted it to have.

Sandalphon shook his head. “I know. It’s on me. But I wanted you to know. To know that I loved you, that I didn’t set out to hurt you because I hated you somehow.” Sandalphon turned his pleading eyes toward Gabriel.

Crowley couldn’t keep quiet anymore. He sneered. “You claim that you genuinely regret your actions?” 

Gabriel gave Crowley a little glare. When they talked about this encounter, both Aziraphale and Crowley promised not to interfere unless it went horribly wrong. Gabriel didn’t feel they got into the point yet. Gabriel was mainly confused but he wasn’t crying on the floor or raging uncontrollably. 

“Yes. Yes, I do.” Sandalphon gave Crowley a little offended glare. “What do you even know about regret, demon? You don’t feel any,” he added bitterly. “I hurt the person I love the most even if I didn’t want to. I have no choice but to admit it to myself and bear the consequences. Perhaps I even deserve it.”

What was Sandalphon’s play there? Could it be that he really was sorry? It was too unbelievable to be true, yet Gabriel felt a rising doubt. He had to compose himself and repeat in his mind that he wasn’t what he appeared to be. 

“That isn’t what Michael said.”

Was there a hint of something ugly in Sandalphon’s eye when he mentioned Michael? It was so brief that Gabriel wasn’t sure.

“What did Michael say?”

“That you have no remorse,” said Gabriel.

“Michael would say that,” Sandalphon sounded bitter.

“What do you mean?” Gabriel could feel ire rising in his chest. Did Sandalphon want to turn him against Michael? If it was what he wanted then Gabriel wouldn’t let him.

“Nothing. It’s between me and her. I don’t intend to spend my last moment with you talking about unimportant things.”

Gabriel knew he was unobservant. He never looked at people properly and never bothered to wonder about their true intentions. He also knew that he was getting frustrated that he couldn’t figure out Sandalphon’s intentions right now. That was why he now looked at him intently as if an explanation for his strangely remorseful behavior would usefully pop out above his head. Was there an expectant gleam hidden in Sandalphon’s eyes? Maybe he really just wanted Gabriel to believe him and forgive him. But Gabriel wasn’t ready to fold yet. Sandalphon used that time to continue talking.

“You know I wish we just stayed friends. Then nothing of this would have happened. It seems you have an uncanny ability to bring out the worst in me.”

“I didn’t make you into a monster,” Gabriel ground out.

“I know, I know,” Sandalphon tried to raise his hands in conciliatory gesture but his cuffs made it awkward. “I just...the day you told me you would like a relationship with me was the happiest day of my life and look at me know. Chained, about to be killed by Michael’s sword. It’s harsh but I accept it.”

Gabriel wanted to be angry. Sandalphon once again made everything about himself, pretended that he was punished for something that was out of his control. But at least he acknowledged that he had done wrong to Gabriel. But Gabriel didn’t feel it was enough. He wanted to shout at Sandalphon that he was feeling sorry for himself while he took so many things from Gabriel. His trust, his virginity, his illusion, his faith in the Almighty, his certainty that everything was as it was meant to be. But if he did he would leave guilty. He would end up regretting losing his temper when Sandalphon was by all appearances attempting to at least partly atone for his deeds. Gabriel should be the bigger man and just tell Sandalphon that he forgives him even if it wasn’t the case just to ease his mind before his very permanent death. Sandalphon had only a few days left to live. Gabriel might have disagreed with the way it was presented but at least Sandalphon tried for an apology and Gabriel would regret forever if he….

It hit him suddenly. He couldn’t help it. He started to laugh. Sandalphon startled back in his seat and even Aziraphale and Crowley gave him alarmed looks.

“Good try,” he looked down on Sandalphon and gave him his best manager Gabriel sneer. “But I don’t actually believe any of this bullshit.”

“Gabriel…” Sandalphon started but Gabriel raised his hand.

“I don’t believe you are sorry. All other evidence suggests otherwise. Experience suggests otherwise. You just want me to feel sorry for you.”

He was pretty sure he knew what Sandalphon wanted. He could have just taken one last swing at him, tell him all the abusive ugly things he had previously. But Gabriel had an eternity to get over them, he was already getting over them. No, he wanted to leave him with regret. Regret that he somehow got Sandalphon into the situation. Was he subtly needling him to lose his temper with the repeated suggestions that Gabriel somehow caused Sandalphon’s downfall? So that he’d lash out and later feel sorry that he behaved like this when poor Sandy just wanted to apologize before dying?

“I won’t fall for it.” Gabriel was surprised that his voice was actually calm. “I don’t think I will miss you. And I am certainly not going to stay awake at night and wonder if you could have been redeemed, wonder what I could have done to save you.”

Sandalphon clearly didn’t like what he was saying. His face twisted in anger.

“You say that now, trying to look so strong. But time will come when you will regret I am gone when you mess up again. You’ll be sorry you didn’t stick with the good thing you had once I am no longer here to protect you. And it will be sooner rather than later given the company you keep nowadays. You at least used to have standards, Gabriel, but a traitor and a demon? You really had sunk low.”

“Keep them out of it,” growled Gabriel and took one step towards him. Only Aziraphale’s hand on his arms stopped him from going any further and grounded him to reality.

“What? Do you think they helped you from the goodness of their hearts? That demon doesn’t even have a heart. Are you really that desperate?”

“They have never beaten me, they have never raped me, they have never berated me. They have accepted me the way I am and they showed me so many things. They are a hundred times better people then you… and me. Even the demon. Especially the demon.”

Sandalphon blinked at him. Then he smiled mockingly. That was the smile Gabriel waited to see from the beginning. “Oh dear,” he said full of condescension. “Are you fancying yourself in love with them? Do you delude yourself that they could possibly love you back? They are just using you for their own gain.”

Gabriel could deny it. He should deny it. His relationship with Aziraphale and Crowley wasn't like this. And the love between two of them was so deep and pure, how could Gabriel get into the way of that? Not that he had any chance. They had each other, why would they ever need Gabriel?

But Sandalphon already stoked the fire inside Gabriel. So he said grandly. “I could only be lucky if they loved me the half I love them.”

Sandalphon only sneered at him. There was a sudden and deep silence in the cell. Gabriel fought to regain momentum. “And since you don’t have anything to say worth listening to, this meeting is over.” he turned around, avoiding looking at Aziraphale and Crowley, banging at the door. “Kushiel, let as out.”

He was the first one out of the door. 

“Gabriel, one thing was true,” Sandalphon called after him. “I really did love you.”

But the door had shut and Gabriel was no longer listening. 


	30. no rush

They didn’t speak much on their way back, to Gabriel’s relief. Not that they had many opportunities. First, Uriel had waited for them just outside the door wanting to know if Gabriel was alright. Then Michael accosted him for some last administrative issues Gabriel barely paid attention to - something about who he thought should replace Sandalphon in his job and Gabriel blurted out a name - and by the time they took stairs down to Earth the silence had settled around them like a fog. 

Only when they arrived back to the cottage did Gabriel turn to Aziraphale and Crowley who were watching him expectantly.

“About what I said to Sandalphon…" he started and fell silent again. What should he say? Should he just deny everything, laugh it off, claim that he only said what he said to upset Sandalphon? 

This could change everything. And Gabriel wasn’t prepared for another change. What if they’ll reject him? They had every right to do that. One thing was tolerating him as a housemate, another was Gabriel intruding on their relationship. 

He should just deny it. He should get used to the idea himself first since the first time he realized it was the truth was when he had spoken it out loud. But denying wouldn’t make the feelings go away. And it would make him a liar and a coward, the two things Gabriels strove not to be. 

“It’s all true.” he rushed out before he could lose his courage and waited for the inevitable reaction. 

Crowley raised an eyebrow at him. “That’s nice to hear. Could you be more specific?”

That was his last chance.

“I love you.” 

Time seemed to have stopped for a moment. Then Aziraphale took his hand and when he didn’t flinch away he had full arms of the angel.

“Oh, Gabriel. I didn’t want to say anything before you were ready. Of course, we love you too.”

Gabriel felt as if he was hit over the head with a hammer. “Wait...I am sorry...I didn’t mean…” Aziraphale lifted the concern filled eyes to him.

“What didn’t you mean?”

“I...It isn’t like that…?” It was more of a question than a statement. 

“Maybe he meant he loves us more like friends,” suggested Crowley from behind Aziraphale. He had his sunglasses pushed down his nose and he was giving Gabriel an intense searching look that wasn’t entirely comfortable.

“No!” denied Gabriel. “I just…” How was he to explain the warmth he felt towards Aziraphale and Crowley, one that was nothing like what he had felt with Sandalphon? It was new and foreign and Gabriel wasn’t sure he even understood it. If he ever felt something close to it, it was a long time ago, before the dawn of time, when he was still new and full of wonder.

Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged a look. “You seem confused,” said Crowley.

“I am sorry,” Gabriel hanged his head.

“Don’t be sorry,” said Aziraphale. “Feeling can be confusing.”

“Yeah, you can trust us at that,” said Crowley with a little glare in Aziraphale’s direction. “It took us six thousand years to admit our feelings to each other.”

“Let’s just sit down and figure it out together,” Aziraphale suggested.

Gabriel took the lead to the sitting room and seated himself in the armchair. Aziraphale took the second one and Crowley arranged himself on the sofa.

“You love me?” he asked before either of his companions could start.

Aziraphale nodded. “Yes,” he gave him a sheepish smile. “To be honest, a long time ago I really fancied you. I wanted desperately to please you so you would think well of me.”

Gabriel understood what happened instead. He had become an asshole and Aziraphale started to think less of him instead.

He gave a curious glance to Crowley.

“Don’t look at me. I have just this stupid weakness for angels. And I must say you’ve grown on me in the last few years. Don’t know where it goes.”

“Of course you don’t have to reciprocate if you don’t feel the same,” Aziraphale assured him.

Gabriel closed his eyes. “I think I don’t feel the same. I like you,” he said quickly. “But I don’t want to do things with you that people in love are supposed to do."

“And what things are these?” Crowley asked.

“You know, things,” when Crowley gave him a blank stare Gabriel was forced to elaborate. “Like kissing and touching in, um, places. And sex.” He went a bit pink in the face.

“Gabriel,” Aziraphale started slowly, “love and sex are two different things. You can love someone, romantically, and not have sex with them.”

“Or have sex with someone without loving them,” added Crowley.

“Yes, that too. Point is you can be in love without ever thinking about sex.”

“But Sandalphon said sex is a way to prove your love.”

Crowley actually growled. “Well, I think we’ve already pretty much established that anything Sandalphon said is bullshit that should be buried in a very deep hole preferably together with nuclear waste.”

Gabriel turned to Aziraphale. “But in all these books you gave me and the movies we’ve watched always had a couple going to have sex when they fell in love.”

“You must understand that most of the fiction isn’t true to reality. It tends to be romanticized or exaggerated. It’s like a misshapen mirror ging a skewed view of reality. Just because it commonly happens in books doesn’t mean it a universal experience.”

“Plus humans aren’t exactly good at representing things that aren’t mainstream,” said Crowley.

“I assure you that there are people who don’t experience any sexual attraction and they can love as deeply as the next person. They are called asexuals.”

“Really?” asked Gabriel doubtfully.

“Yes. There are different ways to love. There are people who only want to have sex with people who they have deeply connected with. There is a lot of information out there about it. If you are interested we can go through it and see if it fit what you feel.”

“But what if I am like this?” asked Gabriel with trepidation. He felt a bit stupid. Didn’t the Almighty create him to be a being of love? Love should be his expertise but most of the things Aziraphale said were completely new to him.

“Gabriel, it changes nothing about my feelings. Or Crowley’s. If sex is something you don’t want, then we won’t ever force you into it.” 

“If a relationship is something you even want,” said Crowley. 

“It’s has been barely half a year since you left Sandalphon,” said Aziraphale seriously. “You don’t have to rush into a relationship if you don’t feel ready. We can wait. We can take time to see if it’s something we all feel comfortable with.”

Gabriel looked between the two of them. “I think It’s something I’d like. To try it. Slowly.”

Despite his earlier warning, Aziraphale gave Gabriel a bright smile. “Alright. We can go slowly. But tell us if we are going too fast or you don’t want to do something.”

Gabriel nodded. “The same applies to you. You can tell me if I am being weird.”

“Alright.”

A moment of silence followed. Gabriel felt that such a momentous change in his life should be accompanied by some great sign - angels bursting into a song and fanfares or lightning striking nearby at the very least - but everything seemed as it was ten minutes ago.

“What now?” he asked cluelessly.

Crowley shifted on the sofa. “I don’t know about you, but I think the relationship should start with a good date. Plus Gabriel deserves to be taken our for how he dealt with that disgusting creep.”

Aziraphale’s eyes shone. “Yes, a date. And maybe some handholding after.”

They both turned questioningly to Gabriel.

“I think I can manage that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all guys. There is of course more that could be written about a/c/g evolving relashionship. I imagine that the three of them sre happy and settled eventually. 
> 
> Thank you all who had clicked, gave kudos and above aĺl commented. It was a great motivation.

**Author's Note:**

> Tagging is a great thing, but no-one is perfect. If you feel that I should tag something don't hesitate to drop me a line in the comments and I'll add it.
> 
> Edit: Someone pointed out that notifications don't go out properly if the work is posted anonymously, so from now it's going to be de-anonned. Hopefully, it will fix it.


End file.
